Are some of us programmed codie from birth?
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
I actually have this answer with myself.
Part anxiety disorder and part childhood.
I was raised around addiction ....I also was raised to play parent to my siblings and my childhood involved doing everything my mother should have and being controlled.
I remember as a teen a dark part of my life when I was suicidal....my mothers response to it was that I was an embarrassment.
I have moved on and forgave family and I take responsibility for myself...I just know where the seed was planted. Doesn't change how I have myself grow. Thats up to me.
Part anxiety disorder and part childhood.
I was raised around addiction ....I also was raised to play parent to my siblings and my childhood involved doing everything my mother should have and being controlled.
I remember as a teen a dark part of my life when I was suicidal....my mothers response to it was that I was an embarrassment.
I have moved on and forgave family and I take responsibility for myself...I just know where the seed was planted. Doesn't change how I have myself grow. Thats up to me.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
.........continued.....
Florence's words.....so concise and so true--"OUR FEELINGS ARE LEGITIMATE AND IMPORTANT" . When that is stolen from us, the foundation of codiehood is laid.
Recent words by Desert Eyes are burnt into my brain: "the slow erosion of the soul".
I can make a complete, complex sentence from these two concepts: When the world conspires to tell us that our feelings are not legitimate and important--and, if we believe that--then, begins the slow erosion of the soul.
I think this is the heart of the matter for most of us.
And, I don't think it is an exaggeration to say that coming to therms with this is the key to many "prison" doors.
dandylion
Florence's words.....so concise and so true--"OUR FEELINGS ARE LEGITIMATE AND IMPORTANT" . When that is stolen from us, the foundation of codiehood is laid.
Recent words by Desert Eyes are burnt into my brain: "the slow erosion of the soul".
I can make a complete, complex sentence from these two concepts: When the world conspires to tell us that our feelings are not legitimate and important--and, if we believe that--then, begins the slow erosion of the soul.
I think this is the heart of the matter for most of us.
And, I don't think it is an exaggeration to say that coming to therms with this is the key to many "prison" doors.
dandylion
Lord Have Mercy
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 242
I have thought about this quite a bit, because I thought I was normal to begin with and somehow I turned into a Super Codie!
Great Christian family, mom and dad and brother and me all very close. High achieving and normal and successful until "love at first sight" for me 20 years ago. XAW and I are now divorced after years of painful drama and me, hanging on and adapting in unhealthy ways.
Here is what I figured out: mom's dad was an A. A happy drunk who died in his 50's. Mom was the older sister who became quite controlling and ultra responsible.
She is a great woman and my father loves her deeply, and she was given the reigns of the family. One of her unspoken unwritten rules, I realize now, is no conflict, no freaking out, no anger (even if one has a reason to be angry), no disappointment or ill feelings (move on quickly when those feelings come). Just "it's OK! We'll make the best of any situation and who knows it might work out even better this way!"
Pretty much happy happy joy joy throughout my childhood which I felt pretty good about!
In conclusion, my mom's survival technique of putting a happy face on any situation, working to please everyone to create a conflict free and harmonious environment, and not discussing true feelings (especially negative or confrontational) - turned me into the WORLD'S GREATEST PEOPLE PLEASER. Being a "perfect" funny cool kid and making everyone happy, that is my childhood and I thought it was fun and it was fun!
Enter XAW. All the problems, as they happened and events unfolded, I tried to make the best of it. And tried and tried. I had no other arrows in my quiver like true honesty and telling people things that might not make them happy. I can hardly do it, and now I am a 46 year old man.
So that is the kind of analysis that worked for me, to figure out where the Codie comes from. Start with family members who became codependent, and watch it spread to others, especially children.
Blessings!
Great Christian family, mom and dad and brother and me all very close. High achieving and normal and successful until "love at first sight" for me 20 years ago. XAW and I are now divorced after years of painful drama and me, hanging on and adapting in unhealthy ways.
Here is what I figured out: mom's dad was an A. A happy drunk who died in his 50's. Mom was the older sister who became quite controlling and ultra responsible.
She is a great woman and my father loves her deeply, and she was given the reigns of the family. One of her unspoken unwritten rules, I realize now, is no conflict, no freaking out, no anger (even if one has a reason to be angry), no disappointment or ill feelings (move on quickly when those feelings come). Just "it's OK! We'll make the best of any situation and who knows it might work out even better this way!"
Pretty much happy happy joy joy throughout my childhood which I felt pretty good about!
In conclusion, my mom's survival technique of putting a happy face on any situation, working to please everyone to create a conflict free and harmonious environment, and not discussing true feelings (especially negative or confrontational) - turned me into the WORLD'S GREATEST PEOPLE PLEASER. Being a "perfect" funny cool kid and making everyone happy, that is my childhood and I thought it was fun and it was fun!
Enter XAW. All the problems, as they happened and events unfolded, I tried to make the best of it. And tried and tried. I had no other arrows in my quiver like true honesty and telling people things that might not make them happy. I can hardly do it, and now I am a 46 year old man.
So that is the kind of analysis that worked for me, to figure out where the Codie comes from. Start with family members who became codependent, and watch it spread to others, especially children.
Blessings!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Long Branch, NJ
Posts: 253
Originally Posted by dandylion 
.........continued.....
Florence's words.....so concise and so true--"OUR FEELINGS ARE LEGITIMATE AND IMPORTANT" . When that is stolen from us, the foundation of codiehood is laid.
Recent words by Desert Eyes are burnt into my brain: "the slow erosion of the soul".
I can make a complete, complex sentence from these two concepts: When the world conspires to tell us that our feelings are not legitimate and important--and, if we believe that--then, begins the slow erosion of the soul.
I think this is the heart of the matter for most of us.
And, I don't think it is an exaggeration to say that coming to therms with this is the key to many "prison" doors.
dandylion
Florence's words.....so concise and so true--"OUR FEELINGS ARE LEGITIMATE AND IMPORTANT" . When that is stolen from us, the foundation of codiehood is laid.
Recent words by Desert Eyes are burnt into my brain: "the slow erosion of the soul".
I can make a complete, complex sentence from these two concepts: When the world conspires to tell us that our feelings are not legitimate and important--and, if we believe that--then, begins the slow erosion of the soul.
I think this is the heart of the matter for most of us.
And, I don't think it is an exaggeration to say that coming to therms with this is the key to many "prison" doors.
dandylion
Years later, exhausted and ready to collapse from trying to work full-time and support the family and take care of the baby single-handedly plus make sure the AH had dinner and laundry and whatever else he needed me to do, I broke down in tears and pleaded with my husband to help me figure out what we could do to change things before I fell apart. His response? "OH BOO-HOO-HOOOOOOOO, you have it SO bad..."
I'd married Mom, who didn't drink.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I was thinking as reading this thread again. Besides the fact that I grew up in djar's family of one important thing.
It does not matter where the codependency came from. I am grateful I finally got help and continue to make the choice to recover on a regular basis. We all are or we would not be here.
It does not matter where the codependency came from. I am grateful I finally got help and continue to make the choice to recover on a regular basis. We all are or we would not be here.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Originally Posted by firebolt
Life recovery. It worries me that if I can't see where my behavior comes from, that it will be harder to correct. Plus...I need a logical explanation for my insanity! Lol
I had to figure out my whys and wheres, but it is okay if they are not someone elses....as long as we continue to work on it, it will come to us.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801
I'd married Mom...
When I think about stuff like this it makes me wonder if its healthy fit us to be together period. OR maybe we just both need to be cognizant of the roles that we can slip into.
I have been scratching and clawing my way to independence from my mom for YEARS and that's why I am such an independent person naturally, I crave it. I'M IN CHARGE! I make my own decisions! With that in mind, I am and have tried to conscious of NOT bossing around my husband. I try hard to not nag him because I do want things done a specific way (because I'm weird. I like all of my silverware to point up in the dishwasher, glasses only go on top, dishes only go on bottom, laundry has to be separated by colors, etc.) BUT I KNOW that I'm weird about this stuff so I just ask that he not do certain household chores. Which was fine, it was great actually (because AH's mommy coddles him big time, he's the world's oldest baby and thus has NO life skills) until we had kids and our little odd personality traits started to get a little off kilter. Now for some reason AH is always trying to do the dishes or the laundry and it drives me bonkers, mostly now because I am a SAHM. Not only am I weird about that stuff but that's literally my JOB. I'm a very direct communicator and I've told him this stuff face to face, in marriage counseling, yelled it even, pretty sure I've said it through tears. Respect my weirdness hubby!
What does all of this mean? Dunno. I try to not pretend that I'm Dr. Phil abs diagnose myself or hubby. I feel bad saying my mom is even codependent because she's my mom and its not unhealthy to be attached to your children, IMO. Unless, you're like MIL who calls every one of her 4 children (ages 32-45) every. Single. Day. To make sure that they're alive. And if they don't answer you start calling spouses and any friends that you know of up make sure your babies are safe. And if course NONE of their spouses are good enough. Eye roll. She's the worst.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Originally Posted by Stung
Okay, I don't like to analyze myself but this is my problem. I come from a single parent household, oldest of two and my mom is heavily codependent on my younger brother and I. It's yucky having someone be codependent on you...but I just realized that my husband is too. I've thought for awhile that I married my mom (even more sick...my husband married his mom, because I'm authoritative and bossy and I DESPISE my MIL, she's the devil incarnate.)
When I think about stuff like this it makes me wonder if its healthy fit us to be together period. OR maybe we just both need to be cognizant of the roles that we can slip into.
I have been scratching and clawing my way to independence from my mom for YEARS and that's why I am such an independent person naturally, I crave it. I'M IN CHARGE! I make my own decisions! With that in mind, I am and have tried to conscious of NOT bossing around my husband. I try hard to not nag him because I do want things done a specific way (because I'm weird. I like all of my silverware to point up in the dishwasher, glasses only go on top, dishes only go on bottom, laundry has to be separated by colors, etc.) BUT I KNOW that I'm weird about this stuff so I just ask that he not do certain household chores. Which was fine, it was great actually (because AH's mommy coddles him big time, he's the world's oldest baby and thus has NO life skills) until we had kids and our little odd personality traits started to get a little off kilter. Now for some reason AH is always trying to do the dishes or the laundry and it drives me bonkers, mostly now because I am a SAHM. Not only am I weird about that stuff but that's literally my JOB. I'm a very direct communicator and I've told him this stuff face to face, in marriage counseling, yelled it even, pretty sure I've said it through tears. Respect my weirdness hubby!
What does all of this mean? Dunno. I try to not pretend that I'm Dr. Phil abs diagnose myself or hubby. I feel bad saying my mom is even codependent because she's my mom and its not unhealthy to be attached to your children, IMO. Unless, you're like MIL who calls every one of her 4 children (ages 32-45) every. Single. Day. To make sure that they're alive. And if they don't answer you start calling spouses and any friends that you know of up make sure your babies are safe. And if course NONE of their spouses are good enough. Eye roll. She's the worst.
When I think about stuff like this it makes me wonder if its healthy fit us to be together period. OR maybe we just both need to be cognizant of the roles that we can slip into.
I have been scratching and clawing my way to independence from my mom for YEARS and that's why I am such an independent person naturally, I crave it. I'M IN CHARGE! I make my own decisions! With that in mind, I am and have tried to conscious of NOT bossing around my husband. I try hard to not nag him because I do want things done a specific way (because I'm weird. I like all of my silverware to point up in the dishwasher, glasses only go on top, dishes only go on bottom, laundry has to be separated by colors, etc.) BUT I KNOW that I'm weird about this stuff so I just ask that he not do certain household chores. Which was fine, it was great actually (because AH's mommy coddles him big time, he's the world's oldest baby and thus has NO life skills) until we had kids and our little odd personality traits started to get a little off kilter. Now for some reason AH is always trying to do the dishes or the laundry and it drives me bonkers, mostly now because I am a SAHM. Not only am I weird about that stuff but that's literally my JOB. I'm a very direct communicator and I've told him this stuff face to face, in marriage counseling, yelled it even, pretty sure I've said it through tears. Respect my weirdness hubby!
What does all of this mean? Dunno. I try to not pretend that I'm Dr. Phil abs diagnose myself or hubby. I feel bad saying my mom is even codependent because she's my mom and its not unhealthy to be attached to your children, IMO. Unless, you're like MIL who calls every one of her 4 children (ages 32-45) every. Single. Day. To make sure that they're alive. And if they don't answer you start calling spouses and any friends that you know of up make sure your babies are safe. And if course NONE of their spouses are good enough. Eye roll. She's the worst.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Truth be told, one of the reasons I dislike MIL so much is that she keeps acting like hubby is hers. She's very disrespectful of her kids having any relationship that might threaten the cord that's unwilling to cut between herself and her kids. Additionally, she's so majorly anxiety ridden that her kids are all afraid to tell her to back off. But I'm not. And I have. Major butting up heads but the old bat won't back up. Fine, I'm cutting the cord myself and she's not gonna like it. And I'm doing it damn it because I make decisions not her!
How's that for unhealthy? Again, I REALLY hate analyzing myself c
How's that for unhealthy? Again, I REALLY hate analyzing myself c
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
There is nothing wrong with analyzing ourselves. It's not always a lot of fun, but it's how we grow. By the way, I load my dishwasher the same way...and sort my laundry the same way.
MissFixIt is right. Huge breakthrough, I think. It wasn't until an awful separation from my xabf that I started to analyze myself. If I had done it a lot sooner, I could have saved myself a lot of heartache down the road. It would seem obvious to others, but I couldn't see that I was trying to replace my alcoholic dad who left us when I was little. My subconscious said if I could find someone like him to love me and not leave me, then all would be whole again. Ummm...not so much. But that's what analyzing myself helped me to figure out, and now I can put my focus on living a healthy life from here on out.
MissFixIt is right. Huge breakthrough, I think. It wasn't until an awful separation from my xabf that I started to analyze myself. If I had done it a lot sooner, I could have saved myself a lot of heartache down the road. It would seem obvious to others, but I couldn't see that I was trying to replace my alcoholic dad who left us when I was little. My subconscious said if I could find someone like him to love me and not leave me, then all would be whole again. Ummm...not so much. But that's what analyzing myself helped me to figure out, and now I can put my focus on living a healthy life from here on out.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Oh, I don't think there is anything wrong with other people doing it. I just don't know enough about "issues" to figure out what mine are. I had to ask Poh yesterday what NPD stood for, because I have the same defensiveness mechanism that he has...but he knows why. My mom totally isn't NPD.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Originally Posted by Stung
I just don't know enough about "issues" to figure out what mine are.
I didn't do all the hard work completely by myself. I had a talented counselor who led me in the right direction. The gift she gave was to guide me in the right direction so that I could find my own answers. She did all the right prompting after hours of listening and gentle questioning. It was pretty seldom that she came right out and told me, "Hey, you know what your problem is?" In fact, I don't remember her ever doing that. Her philosophy is that her clients know themselves better than she does. It's her job to help them find the answers that are within themselves. It worked for me.
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