Hawkeye13

Duh--thanks Sparkle. I'm a bit dull this late.

Yep, Pippi, I'd be pi$$ed too.

PippiLngstockng

Hatching a plan with DD13. The kids sneak my stuff out to the road while Dad goes out. I park nearby. We work stealthily. Maybe in the moonlight if we have to wait til dark.

I've gone mad.

Upsetnneedhelp

pippi, it just seems like it would be easier to obtain even a low paying job than dealing with your ex-husband. The fact is he has the money to pay for a big shot lawyer. Big buck lawyers have the expertise to make your life very difficult. I think your ex has more problems than alcohol maybe psycological issues???

PippiLngstockng

A low-paying job won't pay for more than childcare.

Yeah. He's crazy.

Now we both are! :-)

PippiLngstockng

Suki - cleaned out my box. It's a new year!

Sorry bout that

PippiLngstockng

So DD13 is game, but I'm not sure she's up to much. This is a job for an adult. Or six or seven.

Upsetnneedhelp

I'm glad your kids are sneaking your stuff out. The fact is the court system is not fair. It never has been & probably never will. Thinking outside the box will help you much.

allforcnm

I really think you should give some thought to what you are doing to your children. Do you think it is right to get them involved in property disputes between their parents during divorce talks? Your asking children to go behind their fathers back and sneak around box up items and run them down the road so you can load them in your car and drive off to lock them in storage....the kids already sound way too involved in the marital issues IMO.

I was also wondering if there is more going on than just obtaining these items. I recall you saying how expensive it was to mail a book to the country your residing in. Are you really going to be able to move a storage unit full of goods to another country? I would examine my motives closely on this one.

suki44883

Oh wow! I totally missed that part about the kids sneaking things out.

Yeah, I agree. This is not something they should be involved in. This stuff is between you and your husband. I think it's totally wrong to use the kids this way. Sorry.

Hammer

We running on Pippi's Will and Pippi's Way?

How well has that served you in the past?

PippiLngstockng

They want their stuff, too. They sent lists of their belongings - their blankets, pillows, toys, photos, drawings - that they want out of the house and he ignored them.

He has already involved them by requiring these lists and then doing - nothing.

He has involved them by leaving them in the house when I arrived with the truck and he gave me one hour to sort through the disarray, pack and go.

He involved them by letting rain fall inside the house, damaging the ceilings and floors. By letting the family cat 'disappear'.

The next thing you know, the stuff will be damaged, go missing, or burn down with the house.

Then I will be to blame for seeing what is going on and doing nothing.

If I let him keep my stuff that is rightfully mine and bully me into poverty I am teaching my children that a man can abuse and the woman will have no choice but to suffer silently.

He, the court system, his parents, all the adults involved have allowed this to continue, this abuse. No one is stopping him. This is what my children are witnessing. And it is deplorable.

I want my children to be protected from this. If he had allowed me to get my things, pay my rent with my reliable support checks, have the time and peace of mind to get a job - the children and I would be super okay.

Getting the stuff out of the house is a step forward. Getting them on a boat is next.

What is my agenda? Freeing myself from his controlling grip and rebuilding my life, making a proper home for myself and the children. Integrating their past with their future, with memories of what was and a stability and peace for what is.

dandylion

Pippi---For quite some time you have survived and kept your family together by your tenacity and williness to think outside the box--in an often unhospitable world and hostile circumstances.

I say to continue to manage by your own pluck and resourcefulness. I completely agree that the buck stops with Pippi!!!!!

I'm on your side kid. If I were stranded on a deserted island--I would be happy to have you along!

dandylion

Hawkeye13

Me too.

MissFixit

hi pippi,

i hate that you are still having to deal with this man.

what about talking with the police and doing another (i forget the legal term) police escort to get your stuff? that way you do things the honest way and set that example for the kids and they don't get caught in the middle of mom and dad's war. having them sneak behind dad's back is one way to get your things, but it is not honest and it puts them in a really bad position of essentially deceiving one parent to appease the other.

fwiw when my parents split, they each interrogated me after i saw the other one. each one wanted info damaging the other. it was horrible and i was their child so did as i was told betraying each one to the other. looking back on that it makes me sick and i see them both as selfish manipulators for it. although i did not have those words at the time, it made me feel guilty and bad for a long time.

JustAGirl1971

MissFixit, please keep telling me this! My AH is already telling the kids how I am to blame for this, that, & the other (& most especially for his drinking.) I'm already having difficultly keeping my lips zipped (especially since I am a loudmouth anyway), I know it's going to be infinitely more difficult to stay on high ground when I ask him to leave and the attacks become more frequent & more vicious. I so do not want to drag my kids in the middle.

PIPPI: Sorry for hijacking your thread. I say have the kids take all their stuff they can carry when they leave. Maybe even pull a wagon or five? No reason they shouldn't be able to take their stuff with them when they leave! You're on the home stretch now

goplayoutside

Hi. I"m new here and I don't know your entire situation, but I have been through a long divorce with an abusive and controlling man. I was part of a divorce support forum for many years.

I understand wanting your things back. They are yours, you have sentimental value attached to them. They are useful and you like them. However, they are just things.

Here is a different point of view. Is the stress you feel worth it? You are giving him control by stressing over it. He knows that it bothers you, so he will do everything possible to make it difficult. Do not give him that power.

Think of the divorce as a fire. You lost everything. You want to build a new life, build it with new stuff. I moved out with two suitcases and two kids. Now, I wonder where all the crap that I have came from.

You are strong, you can rebuild. Take the power away from him by not reacting.

Upsetnneedhelp

I don't think anyone should judge Pippi for having her kids take back their property. Pippi, has clearly tied to do things the right way. To continue to trust that the court system will help her is insane.

hopeful4

Hey Pippi question. It sort of worked when your mom talked to his mom and sort of shamed him. What if she were to explain to his mom that the kids have made lists of things they need and want to take back w/them? Would that do any good at all? I know it's a reach but it seems desperate at this point. You have involved your kids (by no fault of your own) so they know this is not your choice but his. Kids of that age can see things alot of times much more clearly than we can.

Keep marching!!!

theuncertainty

Pippi, just wanted to add, I get the 'I want my stuff' thing. I went through it with AXH. I still feel it occasionally when I realize where that-particular-item-that-I-thought-I-had actually is/was. And I didn't even have that nice of stuff left by the time I left him; though some of it was nostalgia from my childhood or DS's itty-bitty stuff. *sigh*

The court agreed to tell AXH to give me DS's toys (not my stuff, but DS's). AXH agreed and then on the last day he had to bring it, he brought a single bag of.... pretty much trash and an algae covered fish tank. The bag seriously looked like he'd pulled it out of a Salvation Army donation bin. It definitely wasn't DS's toys; none of it were items I'd ever seen before, much less ever owned. The fish tank, some here may recall, was the (AXH's) infamous tank where fish were consigned to death. The tank he'd spend money we didn't have for food on fish to replace the ones he'd boiled.

My stuff is gone. My childhood stuff. My high school and college memorabilia. DS's baby stuff (again my memorabilia ). The cats we'd had when together. DS's toys. Skis, furniture... Gone.

I hope it works out better for you. But if it doesn't, please know, one day it won't hurt quite as much. At least not every day. And please know, that if you do have to do without your old stuff, one day you will look around your home and feel such pride in having been able to get *all this* on your own. Of having been able to provide your kids with a safe home filled with light, laughter, small joys and great joys, love and respect, and maybe a few treasures. (((((hugs)))))

PippiLngstockng

Update to all you kind folks:

DD13 messaged me when she left the house with xah to go shopping.
She told me my good friend was at the house with DS10 and DD7 and her own kids. She had packed up a couple of boxes for me and gave me a head's up as to when xah would return.

So I drove to the house. Greeted everyone inside. Brought in a couple of empty boxes. DS10 was already gathering some things when I arrived. DD7 added to the pile. I found some of my grandmother's jewelry, happily. And a few items that were particularly meaningful to me.

Then I threw magic fairy dust on everyone present and gave them a strong memory erase.

They all gave me blank stares. All is forgotten.

Then I got in my non descript black rental car and drove out of town.