Hammer

I guess in a Holy-Roller Church . . . this might be called a Praise Report, or some such. So Praise God.

Well, Christmas THIS year went MUCH better than last.

Last year, only a few weeks back from Rehab, "My Little A" did a Total Shock and Horror meltdown in front of the kids in the middle of her Mom's kitchen, the day after Christmas. (called an Emotional Dysregulation for mental health types).

Pretty horrifying thing to watch. Especially if it is your mom.

So bad that the kids still sort of reference that as a low point. We (the kids and I) talked about what to do different this year, so we would not have to go through anything like that, ever again.

I even suggested that I would not go to Granna's, but the kids No Go-ed that.

They still want the Big Happy Ending to this Horror Movie, bless them, and I suppose if God hears their prayers (He does) that may be the way things go, and for my part I am just in Go With Him mode.

The kids and I have been watching the rubber bands and duct tape that hold My Little A's brains together getting stretched tighter and tighter the last few weeks with Christmas coming on. That is why she has been demoted from "Mrs. Hammer" to "My Little A" -- last week she was doing a Not-Really-My-Wife routine. Ok, I will treat you as you require.

So what we wound up doing was I took the kids to her dad's house to visit first, with her showing up too late (predictable) to visit much, on Christmas Eve.

Then off to her mom's (Granna) for Christmas Eve Night, and Christmas Morning. That all went well. Did the Big Lunch Dinner thing, and I was out mid-morning today, before a Create-A-Crisis could be started. My Little A's sister comes in tomorrow, they visit for a day and then head home to here.

Pretty much following THIS plan . . . . still working . . . .

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post4154264

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The mental health boards tell me this . . . . First thing is to not make things worse. Dunno.

hopeful4

I am glad it went better this year Mr. Hammer! I decided to replace bad memories with good this year. While it did not work out in every single situation for the most part it did happen and I am so thankful for that. I don't want to dread the holidays for the rest of my life and I feel like it robs my children too.

May it be a happy and peaceful 2014!

Seren

Interesting, and exhausting sounding, dance you and the kids have to do, Hammer. How are you and they feeling in all this, by the by....?

Hammer

Well, for my part, I am off to my first Men's Meeting in about 10, 9, 8 minutes.

Clock. Slow. Down.

See this stuff here, Seren?

I am sort of starting to figure out there is kind of an a-hole around here, even when I am the only one home.

And that has NOTHING to do with Mrs. Hammer / My Little A, or the kids.

I should do something about that.

lillamy

Hugs, Hammer.
You're a trooper.
Hope the meeting was great

BodkinVanHorn

Holy crap, I wish I had read this *before* christmas. There are mental health boards??? For people dealing with mentally ill people???
Guns were drawn HOURS before presents were opened (no one physically hurt). By the end of yesterday, I was just shaking and shell shocked. Smile. Nod. Hug. Get the eff out.

Stung

That does sound exhausting but I am glad that your kids weren't subjected to another breakdown from their mom. I do wonder how healthy it is for you all to plan and coordinate and conspire around what her wants/needs are, especially without any input from her. Like its you guys versus her rather than whats best for your family as a whole. Does she know how your kids feel about last years Christmas?

Seren

I hope it was a good and helpful meeting, Hammer. I hope you and the kids had some peace and joy this Christmas! I hope Mrs. H had some peace and joy, too.

FeelingGreat

Hammer you and the kids sound like seasoned veterans, and I'm sure your gutsy humorous attitude helps them a lot.
There was a drama at my Christmas Day between my DIL and me over who makes the best trifle. (do you have trifles in the US?)

Pamel

Hey Hammer! As usual you impart a good message with humour!! ...and thanks for admitting to some bad behavior yourself.

Things are quite good between the bf and I now that I am sober and doing everything to maintain my sobriety. In addition, however, he must feel more comfortable now, because he is starting to "own" some of his behavior that has driven ME crazy! One of the really vexing things about being the "A" is that (we) feel like we must take ALL the blame because no-one can beat our drama. You normies are lightweights when it comes to drama

I am glad your Christmas was better, and thanks for hanging in there with Mrs. Hammer (or "My little A"). Good luck in the New Year!

Hammer

We do not tend to. Considered a bit upper end, and not so much Texas.

Our most exotic thing was Tofurkey. (a Tofu Turkey).

The kids love it.

Turtle Island Foods, Tofurky Holiday Products

Should have done Figgy Pudding, thinking about it. Our 9 y.o. Cub Scout requested that the year before last and enjoyed it. Will maybe do Figgy Pudding for New Year's Eve for him.

Hammer

You are joking?

Here on SR >>>

Mental Health - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

And for our household. >>>

BPDFamily.com - Boards

Also NAMI has quite a bit >>>

NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness | All Discussion Groups

He who turns and runs away,
Lives to fight another day.

Hammer

Part of her illness makes it a Very Painful thing to "look" deep into a mirror (metaphorically speaking).

While I could drop her in a second -- think of Don Quixote, Man of La Manchia -- do you recall how it ends? As a "cure" the Knight of Mirrors holds up the mirror/truth to Quixote, and it kills him.

My Mission Statement (from the kids) is very clear. It is so simple an 8 year old can understand it. That was who gave it to me. "Hold the family together, Dad." I confirm/ed the Mission Statement periodically (very indirectly) with both his Senior and Junior Siblings. It is clear across the board.

I have my Mission Statement.

This we shall defend.

MissFixit

hi hammer,

you are a loving dad and devoted husband. is there a point where you (as the parent) make an executive decision for the whole family and live with kids without drama from their sick mama (rhymed that on purpose to lighten mood)?

Stung

I agree with MissFixIt. Kids have a funny way of not being able to understand the long term effect of decisions that are made now.

Hammer

God is tending to handle THAT very well for now.

She is gone 60 + hours a week working with year-long rehab + severe addict / dual diagnosis folks. She said she was pretty sure THAT was where her HP was leading her.

I can find no argument with that. So I have been doing most of the parenting, and hopefully becoming better myself and better at that, as well.

This is not my role or goal . . .

The Knight of the Mirrors Scene from Man of La Mancha Movie (1972) | MOVIECLIPS

ShootingStar1

Hammer, not to be indiscrete, but what happened to your count-down of a year from your wife's rehab to her healthy recovery, or you were going to take the kids and live without her drama and chaos?

There is a way, (while it is clear that you are doing an admirable job of helping your children cope with their mother's distorted, painful behavior), that you are still keeping you all in the middle of coping around how she lives her life rather than just each living your own lives, free.

Shakespeare said "True compassion is ruthless". I am wondering if the constant adjusting your position in the battlefield is worth it.

ShootingStar1

hopeful4

Mr. Hammer, I think about you often. I wonder what it is that keeps you staying? I am certainly not being critical in any way, that is your decision for you and your family. I just wonder and wonder how it compares to the reasons I have stayed for so long. Certainly if my AH were out of the house 60 hrs per week it may change how I feel about things too.

I hope you do not find my question offensive as I truly and just wondering and looking for insight.

JustAGirl1971

Create-a-drama. I like that! I think I'll use it, lol. Thanks, Hammer.

I'm glad it was a better Christmas than last year. Hopefully, it's the beginning of a new trend - each Christmas better than the last

Hammer

All good and fair questions of dates, staying, etc. I take no offense at anyone here, if they are seeking to be offensive -- which btw, you all clearly are not.

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In short, she is doing much (much, much) better with the kids.

I drop in and out of discussion checks with them fairly frequently -- not direct questions, at all -- what do you think about doing this-or-that with Mom? or Did Mom see this-or-that school work, etc.

They had told me earlier in the year they were scared of her, etc.

I am getting none of that, now.

She is doing basketball with the 6 year old, and girl scout stuff with our daughter.

She did not even give me a hard time when she found out #2 is going to Alateen.

I do understand that the kids are more open and honest with me, and more guarded with her. But that is okay, I am the same with them, and try to create a sense of well-being in them where they can be open and honest.

The kids are pretty happy again. They will be fully happy when things are all better between Mom and Dad -- My Little A and me, that is.

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As far as between her and I -- I would say better, too. No longer trying to cut me off in conversations, nor find secret hostile meanings. Have not had to shut her down from trying to start a fight in about two months.

Like I was sort of joking above about Mrs. Hammer v. My Little A -- Both are my twisted terms of endearment. But since she is not sure if she wants to be my wife last week, I am going with the My Little A.

But that was something I started in that regard. Caught her trying to slip in some victim-status lying and called her on it. Asked her to get help with the Compulsive Lying -- a strong local sponsor, work the program, and get competent help.

Earlier in the year she would have totally exploded.

She is mad and has a lot of pride. She has walked around pouting, not wanting to be my wife. Then she came to bed wanting some make-up sex. I am disturbingly good in bed partly as a result of my own childhood abuse.

I asked if she is my wife or not. That is a God thing to me. She would not say yes, so I would not say yes. I will hold, pet, stroke, and snake cuddle, but not f her if she is not my wife. She is mad about that, too.

The bar is being raised for her. I hope she makes it.

But I have to raise for me, too. I hope I make it.

That was why I am shopping a strong local sponsor. Just like her -- I need . . . a strong local sponsor, work the program, and get competent help. In that regard, I am in no position to dictate terms to her when my sh1t is not all clean, either.

dandylion cautioned me early on in this. IF we leave each other, I would wish I had left earlier; IF we stay together, I will be thankful we never did leave each other.

Like my Muslim buddies tell me -- Allah is infinitely merciful. And I guess patient, too.