Christmas Boundary Report
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Missed this part.
It is her new addiction.
Had been 30 hours a week on a bicycle before rehab.
An addict is an addict is an addict is . . . .
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
\Certainly if my AH were out of the house 60 hrs per week it may change how I feel about things too.
Had been 30 hours a week on a bicycle before rehab.
An addict is an addict is an addict is . . . .
Not waving, but drowning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 423
Hey Hammer,
Thanks for the updates and explanations.
I find that since you have such an (ahem) distinctive voice on SR that I feel that I know you well, when in fact I don't. I fill in blanks where I don't have information about your situation and sometimes think I know what you should be doing, when in fact I don't. (Also pretty codie of me, but that's another story!)
Maybe it is a testament to your entertaining entries that I hope in particular that your kids have a better situation than they've had in the past. Again, I feel like I know them a bit. (It doesn't help that I have a brother, also an engineer, also married to someone with BPD traits, so I project some of that situation as well).
Okay, I'm rambling here. But where better to ramble than in a Hammer thread??
So thanks for updating on what your current thinking is---it makes more sense of some of your posts. And so glad you had a better Christmas than last year!
Danae
Thanks for the updates and explanations.
I find that since you have such an (ahem) distinctive voice on SR that I feel that I know you well, when in fact I don't. I fill in blanks where I don't have information about your situation and sometimes think I know what you should be doing, when in fact I don't. (Also pretty codie of me, but that's another story!)
Maybe it is a testament to your entertaining entries that I hope in particular that your kids have a better situation than they've had in the past. Again, I feel like I know them a bit. (It doesn't help that I have a brother, also an engineer, also married to someone with BPD traits, so I project some of that situation as well).
Okay, I'm rambling here. But where better to ramble than in a Hammer thread??
So thanks for updating on what your current thinking is---it makes more sense of some of your posts. And so glad you had a better Christmas than last year!
Danae
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
i hope you find happiness. it honestly sounds like the two of you are doing some sort of bizarre dance with each other. manipulating each other in a way. she lies to you and others (according to your previous threads). you gave her an if you are my wife, then i will... but you are still married in the same house and even in the same bed. for me these inconsistencies would be maddening on both sides.
are you happy with her? it really doesn't sound like you are. and conversely she doesn't sound too happy either if she is making statements about not being your wife. kind of juvenile. aside from the children bringing you together, why do you stay? are you scared to leave? are you hanging on to what if she gets better?
i am not asking you to answer those questions, but you always sound so strong in your posts for others. you sound like you are waiting on something (don't know what) for yourself.
i dont write this to make you mad, so please don't take it that way.
are you happy with her? it really doesn't sound like you are. and conversely she doesn't sound too happy either if she is making statements about not being your wife. kind of juvenile. aside from the children bringing you together, why do you stay? are you scared to leave? are you hanging on to what if she gets better?
i am not asking you to answer those questions, but you always sound so strong in your posts for others. you sound like you are waiting on something (don't know what) for yourself.
i dont write this to make you mad, so please don't take it that way.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by Danae
Hey Hammer,
Thanks for the updates and explanations.
I find that since you have such an (ahem) distinctive voice on SR that I feel that I know you well, when in fact I don't. I fill in blanks where I don't have information about your situation and sometimes think I know what you should be doing, when in fact I don't. (Also pretty codie of me, but that's another story!)
Maybe it is a testament to your entertaining entries that I hope in particular that your kids have a better situation than they've had in the past. Again, I feel like I know them a bit. (It doesn't help that I have a brother, also an engineer, also married to someone with BPD traits, so I project some of that situation as well).
Okay, I'm rambling here. But where better to ramble than in a Hammer thread??
So thanks for updating on what your current thinking is---it makes more sense of some of your posts. And so glad you had a better Christmas than last year!
Danae
Thanks for the updates and explanations.
I find that since you have such an (ahem) distinctive voice on SR that I feel that I know you well, when in fact I don't. I fill in blanks where I don't have information about your situation and sometimes think I know what you should be doing, when in fact I don't. (Also pretty codie of me, but that's another story!)
Maybe it is a testament to your entertaining entries that I hope in particular that your kids have a better situation than they've had in the past. Again, I feel like I know them a bit. (It doesn't help that I have a brother, also an engineer, also married to someone with BPD traits, so I project some of that situation as well).
Okay, I'm rambling here. But where better to ramble than in a Hammer thread??
So thanks for updating on what your current thinking is---it makes more sense of some of your posts. And so glad you had a better Christmas than last year!
Danae
I listen VERY Closely to your advice and comments. Thank you for when you share them with me, like this. I trust you and treasure you.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by MissFixit
i hope you find happiness. it honestly sounds like the two of you are doing some sort of bizarre dance with each other. manipulating each other in a way. she lies to you and others (according to your previous threads). you gave her an if you are my wife, then i will... but you are still married in the same house and even in the same bed. for me these inconsistencies would be maddening on both sides.
are you happy with her? it really doesn't sound like you are. and conversely she doesn't sound too happy either if she is making statements about not being your wife. kind of juvenile. aside from the children bringing you together, why do you stay? are you scared to leave? are you hanging on to what if she gets better?
i am not asking you to answer those questions, but you always sound so strong in your posts for others. you sound like you are waiting on something (don't know what) for yourself.
i dont write this to make you mad, so please don't take it that way.
are you happy with her? it really doesn't sound like you are. and conversely she doesn't sound too happy either if she is making statements about not being your wife. kind of juvenile. aside from the children bringing you together, why do you stay? are you scared to leave? are you hanging on to what if she gets better?
i am not asking you to answer those questions, but you always sound so strong in your posts for others. you sound like you are waiting on something (don't know what) for yourself.
i dont write this to make you mad, so please don't take it that way.
The military and work environs I sometimes deal in can be rather harsh, so even the very worst on here is very mild. We will sometimes call each other Stupid MF C s**kers across a board room table and think nothing of it.
But I do not do stuff like that at home, and not here, either. Guess I am saying I have a thick skin . . . and sometimes too thick of skull.
As far as Why Stay. I guess it does not make sense when I say I have my Mission Statement?
But that is it. I am a bit of an Emotional Robot. It is my Program. Maybe you have seen Terminator or something? Sort of like that. My Mission Statement.
I can see and hear my son saying it as if just a minute ago when I close my eyes -- "Hold The Family Together, Dad."
And the kids are okay.
So I will hold the family together. By God's Grace and God's Mercy.
As far as Juvenile. Yes. Both Mrs. Hammer and I are. Master Degrees and heading into PhD programs with the emotional levels of 6th or 8th graders. It is why my daughter sings "my song."
Emotionally ********, that's my Dad,
Cries when he's happy, laughs when he's sad . . .
It has been an unhappy year for both of us.
But her just merely being unhappy now is SUCH an improvement over falling, drooling, on the floor in a full-blown rage attack. Dunno if you have ever seen something like that? It is like a Seizure -- just Overwhelming Emotions based. But really falling down on the ground, cursing, sobbing, and shaking.
If she is just "unhappy" now from time-to-time . . . It is a Good Day, Praise God.
And we have have had WAY too much crap from people outside. Her mom, clueless sponsor, other folks she lied to because she was embarrassed and ashamed of being an addict. None of them understand the Mental Illness component at all.
Dunno if you tracked my other bonkers thread, or not -- about the countdown and all. She seems to have stabilized. THAT is what I was looking for. Now I think we are both working on getting better. Dunno.
By God's Grace and God's Mercy.
Not waving, but drowning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 423
Thanks Hammer.
Always nice to know.
My reactions to your posts are teaching me a lot about myself, and my knee-jerk thoughts. I live up North in an area where the G-word (god) is not commonly heard, so it always give me a shiver to see you use it so freely. Not in a bad way, it just is unusual in my circles.
I'm also living in a place where the idea of letting go of anything--("Let go and let God) seems alien as well. So I find your thinking along these lines to be a foray into new territory.
Really, I learn so much from SR, and most of all when I have to examine my own assumptions!
Always nice to know.
My reactions to your posts are teaching me a lot about myself, and my knee-jerk thoughts. I live up North in an area where the G-word (god) is not commonly heard, so it always give me a shiver to see you use it so freely. Not in a bad way, it just is unusual in my circles.
I'm also living in a place where the idea of letting go of anything--("Let go and let God) seems alien as well. So I find your thinking along these lines to be a foray into new territory.
Really, I learn so much from SR, and most of all when I have to examine my own assumptions!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
thank you. i think i see where you are coming from.
relationships are really strange aren't they? you put all this energy, time and money into something that is supposed to be effortless and turns out to be far from that.
my perspective of relationships and marriage has changed so much over the years. i used to have very clear notions of what i thought i wanted. i kept getting versions of what i thought i wanted only to find that it wasn't all that when i had it. i am happy in my current relationship, but it is very different from what i thought i wanted before and relationships i had in the past (i never would have dated this man in the past. he isn't exciting enough for the old me. he would have been a friend only). i think i let some of the superficial stuff go and am attracted to and attract something a little more solid but less flashy now. i think the years following the chaos of the exA turned me into someone who runs from all drama and likes routine. if i want drama, i'll go on a trip.
relationships are really strange aren't they? you put all this energy, time and money into something that is supposed to be effortless and turns out to be far from that.
my perspective of relationships and marriage has changed so much over the years. i used to have very clear notions of what i thought i wanted. i kept getting versions of what i thought i wanted only to find that it wasn't all that when i had it. i am happy in my current relationship, but it is very different from what i thought i wanted before and relationships i had in the past (i never would have dated this man in the past. he isn't exciting enough for the old me. he would have been a friend only). i think i let some of the superficial stuff go and am attracted to and attract something a little more solid but less flashy now. i think the years following the chaos of the exA turned me into someone who runs from all drama and likes routine. if i want drama, i'll go on a trip.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by Danae
Thanks Hammer.
Always nice to know.
My reactions to your posts are teaching me a lot about myself, and my knee-jerk thoughts. I live up North in an area where the G-word (god) is not commonly heard, so it always give me a shiver to see you use it so freely. Not in a bad way, it just is unusual in my circles.
I'm also living in a place where the idea of letting go of anything--("Let go and let God) seems alien as well. So I find your thinking along these lines to be a foray into new territory.
Really, I learn so much from SR, and most of all when I have to examine my own assumptions!
Always nice to know.
My reactions to your posts are teaching me a lot about myself, and my knee-jerk thoughts. I live up North in an area where the G-word (god) is not commonly heard, so it always give me a shiver to see you use it so freely. Not in a bad way, it just is unusual in my circles.
I'm also living in a place where the idea of letting go of anything--("Let go and let God) seems alien as well. So I find your thinking along these lines to be a foray into new territory.
Really, I learn so much from SR, and most of all when I have to examine my own assumptions!
From my view, as far as Letting Go -- this is about like free-fall parachute jumping.
From my understanding, my parachute has been carefully hand packed and folded by my Angels under His direction and guidance. So it is Go Time.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by MissFixit
thank you. i think i see where you are coming from.
relationships are really strange aren't they? you put all this energy, time and money into something that is supposed to be effortless and turns out to be far from that.
my perspective of relationships and marriage has changed so much over the years. i used to have very clear notions of what i thought i wanted. i kept getting versions of what i thought i wanted only to find that it wasn't all that when i had it. i am happy in my current relationship, but it is very different from what i thought i wanted before and relationships i had in the past (i never would have dated this man in the past. he isn't exciting enough for the old me. he would have been a friend only). i think i let some of the superficial stuff go and am attracted to and attract something a little more solid but less flashy now. i think the years following the chaos of the exA turned me into someone who runs from all drama and likes routine. if i want drama, i'll go on a trip.
relationships are really strange aren't they? you put all this energy, time and money into something that is supposed to be effortless and turns out to be far from that.
my perspective of relationships and marriage has changed so much over the years. i used to have very clear notions of what i thought i wanted. i kept getting versions of what i thought i wanted only to find that it wasn't all that when i had it. i am happy in my current relationship, but it is very different from what i thought i wanted before and relationships i had in the past (i never would have dated this man in the past. he isn't exciting enough for the old me. he would have been a friend only). i think i let some of the superficial stuff go and am attracted to and attract something a little more solid but less flashy now. i think the years following the chaos of the exA turned me into someone who runs from all drama and likes routine. if i want drama, i'll go on a trip.
As for me. Going to do the Steps. Check the map, see where I and things are. And take it from there.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 765
What I want to know is this:
Where is God on this "recovery" board?
I hear a lot of people's minds trying to figure things out but no spiritual
Principles are anywhere involved.
The mind cannot solve the problems it created.
A therapist and cutting people off or running away doesn't work - we never get growth and it keeps repeating with them and/or others.
Until we look at our part and how much we hurt these people we think are the problem, we will never be free.
Alanons have distorted thinking and we are so certain it's the other person. The harder thing to do would be to go through the steps, look at our own Adult Child issues (no, your family wasn't perfect), see what we did to our own kids and why they're the way they are instead of blaming them, make amends to those kids (no, not a passing "I'm sorry" or just "stopping it", but listing and admitting our faults and giving them back their reality that we stole) or the whole family including ourselves stays sick.
My guess is maybe one person on this board will do it.
And that's why there are so few workers for God today -- and it's why our world is so sick...everybody's egos wanting to "win".
Where is God on this "recovery" board?
I hear a lot of people's minds trying to figure things out but no spiritual
Principles are anywhere involved.
The mind cannot solve the problems it created.
A therapist and cutting people off or running away doesn't work - we never get growth and it keeps repeating with them and/or others.
Until we look at our part and how much we hurt these people we think are the problem, we will never be free.
Alanons have distorted thinking and we are so certain it's the other person. The harder thing to do would be to go through the steps, look at our own Adult Child issues (no, your family wasn't perfect), see what we did to our own kids and why they're the way they are instead of blaming them, make amends to those kids (no, not a passing "I'm sorry" or just "stopping it", but listing and admitting our faults and giving them back their reality that we stole) or the whole family including ourselves stays sick.
My guess is maybe one person on this board will do it.
And that's why there are so few workers for God today -- and it's why our world is so sick...everybody's egos wanting to "win".
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
Hammer you and the kids sound like seasoned veterans, and I'm sure your gutsy humorous attitude helps them a lot.
There was a drama at my Christmas Day between my DIL and me over who makes the best trifle. (do you have trifles in the US?)
There was a drama at my Christmas Day between my DIL and me over who makes the best trifle. (do you have trifles in the US?)
I am a trifle fanatic since I lived in Oz many years ago.
Please give some details for both recipes (unless secret of course)
as well as any learned "trifle wisdom" you care to share as it is a foodstuff
we colonists just can't make it better than you lot. . . .
I want to try both and see for myself, you see.
It is a legit reason for putting more yummy sugar and creme in my body,
but by gosh none of it is fermented or distilled (or is it?)
Not trying to hijack topic, but trifle can soothe the savage beast in just about anyone.
If you send a great recipe, we will make it here in the U.S. within 48 hours I assure you--
Might be a good New Year's Eve strategy to try Hammer
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Originally Posted by BuildWithMe
What I want to know is this:
Where is God on this "recovery" board?
Where is God on this "recovery" board?
https://www.facebook.com/TheGoodLordAbove?fref=ts
The rest of us here are just muddling through and helping each other.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
My guess is maybe one person on this board will do it.
And that's why there are so few workers for God today -- and it's why our world is so sick...everybody's egos wanting to "win".
well, how's that working in YOUR OWN life? you've stated in different posts that you feel like you are DYING, your health has fallen apart, your family is estranged, your reputation is shot, etc etc. you got a involved with a dangerous sociopath who had time in prison for murder.....i'm not so sure the coming here and blasting the rest of us about OUR lack of faith or spirituality is really the issue here. pretty sure that's taking another's inventory.....?
nobody here talked about winning. people DID suggest that if your HEALTH is failing, seeing a doctor would be a appropriate response to that. if your head is messed up, spending some time with a good counselor or therapist can help untangle the mess. these are only suggestions. we share what has worked for us.
And that's why there are so few workers for God today -- and it's why our world is so sick...everybody's egos wanting to "win".
well, how's that working in YOUR OWN life? you've stated in different posts that you feel like you are DYING, your health has fallen apart, your family is estranged, your reputation is shot, etc etc. you got a involved with a dangerous sociopath who had time in prison for murder.....i'm not so sure the coming here and blasting the rest of us about OUR lack of faith or spirituality is really the issue here. pretty sure that's taking another's inventory.....?
nobody here talked about winning. people DID suggest that if your HEALTH is failing, seeing a doctor would be a appropriate response to that. if your head is messed up, spending some time with a good counselor or therapist can help untangle the mess. these are only suggestions. we share what has worked for us.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Originally Posted by Lulu39
God is very busy over on Facebook. If you want to speak with God try him here:
https://www.facebook.com/TheGoodLordAbove?fref=ts
The rest of us here are just muddling through and helping each other.
https://www.facebook.com/TheGoodLordAbove?fref=ts
The rest of us here are just muddling through and helping each other.
lmao
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