Tips on re-entry?

Old 12-26-2013, 02:41 PM
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Tips on re-entry?

Posted an update a couple weeks ago, but used the app and think it ended up on the substance abuse board instead.

Nutshell: hubby was sober for 15 months following OP treatment, but no AA. 2 months ago I discovered he had a brief (1 time) sexual affair, had occasionally been sneaking alcohol and drugs over recent months, and in recent weeks had fallen fast and furiously back to drinking-1 day 1 beer, next 2, next 6 kind of thing. Went to I P treatment. We visited on day 10. Shortly afterwards I had a bad accident, which could have been much worse, but resulted in me being very banged up, gash on face, and shattered arm/wrist requiring surgery-11screws, 2 pins, titanium plate, etc. had to rely on friends and family heavily to care for me and kids (10&7) during his last 2 weeks of rehab. He nearly left rehab whenI got hurt-lots of guilt, but ultimately, thankfully, stayed.

He has been home a week. Doing 90 mtgs in 90 days, seeing his addiction counselor every 2 weeks, and just left to meet with a sponsor he recently identified. I saw my own therapist for the first time since August, today and plan to attend my first al anon mtg Sunday, while hubby attends AA (will get a sitter). We have an appointment with a marital counselor but couldn't get in for 3-4 weeks from now.

Unfortunately, I am struggling. There is this wedge and no intimacy between us (I get it that rebuilding the marriage will take time, but it's like he doesn't know what to do, so he is "giving me space" when space isn't what I really want-I want him to listen to me and understand me, but it's like he can't. I told him this, but...) I think I maybe resent him a little for not being here when I was hurt, and I feel he is not "trying hard enough" now to help me due to my hand or to "make me feel special" or loved. I think HE THINKS, "I took a leave from work, and left my family and went to rehab, and am getting up every morning at 6 am to go to meetings, and this is really hard and I don't have the energy to do anything more, and dealing with my injured and physically and emotionally needy wife right now is just about more than I can handle."

I get the 3 C's, and I get that only he can fix him and only I can fix me, but I struggle that it takes WE to fix WE -probably just need more time-like they couldn't do surgery on my arm right away until more swelling went down, and maybe I need to heal more myself, emotionally, before we can rebuild-I am just impatient. I just bought After the Affair and we are going to read it and work through it together as we wait for counseling to begin. I am also toying with buying Codependent No More, but find I am resisting. I am a strong, educated, successful professional, good mom, supportive family, etc. I don't feel like I fit the codependent stereotype, but I know I have traits-obviously, what I wrote above about me feeling sad/low as a result of his behavior/lack thereof, is probably the definition of codependent, right?

Anyway, the re-entry process is not the fantasy I guess I had built up in my mind while he was gone. He is not perfect and I am not perfect, and this is harder than I was expecting, as I thought there would be more happiness from all of us, especially with Christmas, but that ended up being harder for me than I expected-like I have my husband home and he is in recovery, but I am sad that our marriage is still in shambles, and I am depleted.

Venting helps greatly. Empathy and advice welcome
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Old 12-26-2013, 02:49 PM
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Sounds like your going to have to give time "time" L. al-anon may be a good idea for yourself, cause youv been through a lot also.
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Old 12-26-2013, 03:02 PM
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Time will tell. I so believe this. For some it gives space and allows healing. For others you see how they are truly going to act and if they are going to relapse or not. Some are "dry drunks" and act the same even though they don't drink. I think when someone comes out on the other side of addiction (both the addict and the spouse) it takes time to find out who you are now and if you even want to pursue a relationship anymore.

Time does always tell.

I hope you find peace. Being codependent even a little does not make you less of a person at all, admitting that means you are self aware and willing to put some work into YOU.

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Old 12-26-2013, 03:15 PM
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It will take some time.

I fully understand the back seat (kids, that is) part of your mind yelling, "Are We There, YET? Are We There, YET?"

Short Answer. No. You are not there, yet.

And considering the crap he has put you through, it may be a while before you are there.

A lot of us go through "Are We There, YET?"

Here is mine, fwiiw >>>

That was a few months, ago. And no, we are not "there," yet.

But it does seem better. As long as things are good for the kids, I have quit worrying about much of anything else in that regard.

AND from the other side -- a Repenting and Recovering A.

Same thing -- "Are We There, YET?"
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Old 12-26-2013, 06:45 PM
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I admire your strength. You are both going through a stressful time emotionally, and also physically, for you. All you can do is let him know what you need, but don't expect him to be able to give it right now.

Being codependent doesn't make you any less of a strong, educated, successful woman. It's probably just best for you to focus on your own healing now. It's great that you're going to couples counseling. Maybe it will help open the lines of communication between you and your husband and you can both start giving each other more of what you need.

Wishing you much love and quick healing.
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Old 12-26-2013, 08:42 PM
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Each time I start to get upset over AH not being there for me, I remember a post on this board about how an addict is unable to be there and I let go of it. I had my appendix out one year and AH was gone for work, and yes, drinking. Two weeks later and involved in his life, he kept forgetting I'd had an operation. A year later, he looked at my scar one day and asked what happened. Yep, totally forgot about it, like it never even happened. That one I have to keep letting go of. He was unable to give anything of himself then and in his mind I was taken care of and so he wasn't required to be there -- I told him that; my mom was visiting and stayed for a couple days to take care of me -- that's my own part in it. Telling people I don't need help. I sent her home before I should have, too. I'm just now starting (barely) to learn to build a support network around me so it's not all on him and me.

AH is newly sober (again - 10 days or so now) and is going to IP rehab tomorrow. Today has been super tough. I'm still not sure he'll be going in and sticking with the 4 weeks, or if he has the right mind-set for it at all. Several times he's said he wants to get better and knows he needs help, yet today he's been trying to think of ways out. It's posts like yours that help me realize how tough it's still going to be for a long time. One day at a time. Buy the book. It can't hurt. I haven't read it either, but maybe I should put it on my list. Family week in 2 weeks is bound to be interesting, whether or not I'm ready for it, it's coming up soon. Start building a support network, build up your mind, body and spirit, and then work on rebuilding your marriage. We're here with you. Prayers and good thoughts being sent your way. ((((hugs))))
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Old 12-26-2013, 10:52 PM
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Thanks for all your comments and the links-good reading. Lots of people with great insights here. I am feeling better-had time to reflect on a convo with hubby last night that in the moment didn't feel good, but has ultimately given better perspective to each of us, I think, good therapy appointment, and good reading here.

Read chapter 1 of the other book I ordered and ordered CoNoMore and read Chapter 1 also-see parts of myself in the examples. Reading SR while hubby reads the big book. Agree that time is needed for the US stuff, so might as well work on me in the meantime. I am still resisting the codie label and resenting "needing" to go to al anon, but I need to get over that, too. Has been helpful reading here that others have felt similarly, yet really found value in going. I asked hubby to stay open to help when he went to rehab, and have certainly learned some hard lessons about being open to help and willing to ask for help for myself in the past couple weeks post-accident, so time to embrace them and employ them now, I guess! I'm actually starting to believe this is all going to be good for me, which is probably a positive.

Thanks again!
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Old 12-26-2013, 11:34 PM
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hey there....maybe you just might need to give time time, and if you guys truly do love each other, and work your programs to the best of your ability....I beleive it might work out.
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Old 12-27-2013, 05:09 AM
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Sometimes, frustratingly, time just takes time.

Sending you hugs and prayers of support...I'm sorry you are down and struggling right now and hope your injuries will heal quickly!
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