Question about detachment
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Originally Posted by cgfox 
I've been reading your answers and it's very informative. Detachment for me is detaching yourself from what the your significant other is doing (or didn't do) and about learning how to react to it "in a good way". It's a way to protect yourself. My issue is that I'm detaching from good AND bad stuff. Trying to anyway, because I'm far from applying it 24/7. Sometimes it feels like I'm detaching myself completely from everything -including my love for him.
Recovered People Pleaser
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Heart of Dixie
Posts: 391
Detachment may be necessary to stop enabling but it is a different process. We can detach from a situation (like a rant) such as worry or emotional manipulation.
Detachment is the process by which we stop taking on emotions/responsibilities that do not belong to us. There is a difference between compassion or empathy & actually taking on anothers emotions. If you are angry I do not have to be angry too. The same is true for pain, depression or grief.
Detachment is the process by which we stop taking on emotions/responsibilities that do not belong to us. There is a difference between compassion or empathy & actually taking on anothers emotions. If you are angry I do not have to be angry too. The same is true for pain, depression or grief.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Originally Posted by Stung
Oh, the lies. He lied to me last night and I called him out on it. He then claimed that he "misspoke" to which I suggested that we look up the definition of a lie, and then he apologized for lying to me.
My husband lies, about big things, little things and a hundred other things that I don't even care about. He exaggerates too. But I'm either overly confident or naive but I think he's actually honest when he tells me how he feels about me. I think. I hope. :/
My husband lies, about big things, little things and a hundred other things that I don't even care about. He exaggerates too. But I'm either overly confident or naive but I think he's actually honest when he tells me how he feels about me. I think. I hope. :/
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
Hey Stung,
I'd quote but you said interesting things in 57 places, lol.
If you can figure out an excel macro that discards all the negatives and keeps the positives I'll put it in a pivot table and get all the formatting nice ;-)
Maybe detachment is something different, detachment kinda implies decoupling. What I think I hear you saying is that you want to stay closer to neutral or maybe I'm hearing that because it was and is a big theme for me personally and for us as a couple.
Personal - praise and criticism matter too much and I need to do the mental equivalent if the rubber band snap on myself and try to give less weight to both and more to being able to step back and ask myself what I think and allow myself an appropriate degree of satisfaction or disappointment.
Couple: so alcohol goes away but doesn't always take drama with it. I'm a dramaphobe, I hate it. If we graph it ( thank u for being an accountant, soooooo much easier to describe in terms of quants not qualms!) and let's say our mood is graphed with time along the x axis and emotional expenditure plotted with zero as neutral and positive five is you got a promotin the same day your ex and his/her attorney go skydiving before writing you out of the will and neither chute opens AND. You have an alibi. And negative 5 is well, the kind of day that leads folks here.
So going back and forth from 5 to -5 looks like a roller coaster, mountains, BIG, swings.
Happy periods in life are more like a straight line between 1 and 2 with blips to 3-4 or down to -1- -2 but generally easing back to steady, predictable, sitting by the fire with a good book and a sleepy puppy level of emotion... Life is good, it's a little predictable but good and steady.
Omg if anyone followed that....
Ok so what I am getting at is steady state, generally happy.... That has been the goal. Year one of recovery was the up down up down exaggerated highs and lows and disproportionate responses, frantic effort to drag life to normal and nail it there. That just wears your butt out! If year one had ten 5's and twelve -5s then year had four and three.... And the second half of year two has stayed around 1 with peaks and valleys of only one or two levels before returning to normal instead of zipping right by normal to the opposite side.
Ok now I confused even myself.
Make any sense at all? I'd rather be at 1 90% of the time and sacrifice the highest highs in exchange for avoiding the lowest lows and being able to predict the next week and get it right 90% of the time.
Those roller coaster swings are too exhausting. I crave peace and comfort and gentle slopes rather than spikes. ...because then what used to cause a huge swing doesn't
Pivot tables would have made this easier. Boring is good. Frodo said something about hobbits not liking adventures because it makes you late to dinner? Too late at night to go hobbit on this one.
I'd quote but you said interesting things in 57 places, lol.
If you can figure out an excel macro that discards all the negatives and keeps the positives I'll put it in a pivot table and get all the formatting nice ;-)
Maybe detachment is something different, detachment kinda implies decoupling. What I think I hear you saying is that you want to stay closer to neutral or maybe I'm hearing that because it was and is a big theme for me personally and for us as a couple.
Personal - praise and criticism matter too much and I need to do the mental equivalent if the rubber band snap on myself and try to give less weight to both and more to being able to step back and ask myself what I think and allow myself an appropriate degree of satisfaction or disappointment.
Couple: so alcohol goes away but doesn't always take drama with it. I'm a dramaphobe, I hate it. If we graph it ( thank u for being an accountant, soooooo much easier to describe in terms of quants not qualms!) and let's say our mood is graphed with time along the x axis and emotional expenditure plotted with zero as neutral and positive five is you got a promotin the same day your ex and his/her attorney go skydiving before writing you out of the will and neither chute opens AND. You have an alibi. And negative 5 is well, the kind of day that leads folks here.
So going back and forth from 5 to -5 looks like a roller coaster, mountains, BIG, swings.
Happy periods in life are more like a straight line between 1 and 2 with blips to 3-4 or down to -1- -2 but generally easing back to steady, predictable, sitting by the fire with a good book and a sleepy puppy level of emotion... Life is good, it's a little predictable but good and steady.
Omg if anyone followed that....
Ok so what I am getting at is steady state, generally happy.... That has been the goal. Year one of recovery was the up down up down exaggerated highs and lows and disproportionate responses, frantic effort to drag life to normal and nail it there. That just wears your butt out! If year one had ten 5's and twelve -5s then year had four and three.... And the second half of year two has stayed around 1 with peaks and valleys of only one or two levels before returning to normal instead of zipping right by normal to the opposite side.
Ok now I confused even myself.
Make any sense at all? I'd rather be at 1 90% of the time and sacrifice the highest highs in exchange for avoiding the lowest lows and being able to predict the next week and get it right 90% of the time.
Those roller coaster swings are too exhausting. I crave peace and comfort and gentle slopes rather than spikes. ...because then what used to cause a huge swing doesn't
Pivot tables would have made this easier. Boring is good. Frodo said something about hobbits not liking adventures because it makes you late to dinner? Too late at night to go hobbit on this one.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
Abraham Lincoln said "Most people are as happy as they make up their mind to be."
For me, detaching means consciously watching myself as I take in words, people and events that would distract me from this goal. I want to be happy.
To do this, I apply a lot of stepping back and evaluating and applying tools I've learned here at SR and at Alanon.
It also means that I've lost a lot of expectations.... a key one being, I do not expect my alcoholic husband to act in any way like a non-alcoholic husband. It took me a long time to get there. It's not a free pass for him, but an attitude adjustment by me and new boundries.
It's been easier to feel compassion and empathy when unrealistic expectations are left behind. I am not angry all the time. What a relief, and what a giant step towards my goal.
Just my experience.
For me, detaching means consciously watching myself as I take in words, people and events that would distract me from this goal. I want to be happy.
To do this, I apply a lot of stepping back and evaluating and applying tools I've learned here at SR and at Alanon.
It also means that I've lost a lot of expectations.... a key one being, I do not expect my alcoholic husband to act in any way like a non-alcoholic husband. It took me a long time to get there. It's not a free pass for him, but an attitude adjustment by me and new boundries.
It's been easier to feel compassion and empathy when unrealistic expectations are left behind. I am not angry all the time. What a relief, and what a giant step towards my goal.
Just my experience.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
So going back and forth from 5 to -5 looks like a roller coaster, mountains, BIG, swings.
Happy periods in life are more like a straight line between 1 and 2 with blips to 3-4 or down to -1- -2 but generally easing back to steady, predictable, sitting by the fire with a good book and a sleepy puppy level of emotion... Life is good, it's a little predictable but good and steady.
OMG!! Yes!! When we first met and fell in love I was between 4 and 5 every day! Then as things progressed and my little cloud that I was floating on steadied I was basically between 2-3 with occasional peaks and valleys. This past year and especially the last 7 months have been a steady zero with valleys in the -3 to -5 range and peaks at maybe a 2. It blows. Which sucks because having our second daughter and leading up to that, there were definitely 5 peaks in there too but they were so fleeting. What a year. Ugh!
I want peaks and valleys because without the bad the good doesn't look nor feel as wonderful. But I need the bad to be less extreme. To me, detachment will allow me to consistently stay in the zero to 3 range. My emotions don't go from one extreme to another like this without active alcoholic drama in it. I too am a dramaphobe. I don't do drama or hidden meanings or saying things I don't mean to bait reactions. I want easy and upfront, then I can focus on having fun.
And that Lincoln quote is being written on my bathroom mirror. Very, very true.
Happy periods in life are more like a straight line between 1 and 2 with blips to 3-4 or down to -1- -2 but generally easing back to steady, predictable, sitting by the fire with a good book and a sleepy puppy level of emotion... Life is good, it's a little predictable but good and steady.
OMG!! Yes!! When we first met and fell in love I was between 4 and 5 every day! Then as things progressed and my little cloud that I was floating on steadied I was basically between 2-3 with occasional peaks and valleys. This past year and especially the last 7 months have been a steady zero with valleys in the -3 to -5 range and peaks at maybe a 2. It blows. Which sucks because having our second daughter and leading up to that, there were definitely 5 peaks in there too but they were so fleeting. What a year. Ugh!
I want peaks and valleys because without the bad the good doesn't look nor feel as wonderful. But I need the bad to be less extreme. To me, detachment will allow me to consistently stay in the zero to 3 range. My emotions don't go from one extreme to another like this without active alcoholic drama in it. I too am a dramaphobe. I don't do drama or hidden meanings or saying things I don't mean to bait reactions. I want easy and upfront, then I can focus on having fun.
And that Lincoln quote is being written on my bathroom mirror. Very, very true.
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