the internet makes detective work easier
Guest
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the internet makes detective work easier
My fiance and I dated for 2.5 years before I admitted alcohol was a problem in our relationship, and that he didn't want to stop drinking. I told hiim to leave. He remained in drunken pursuit for 9 months and got his wake-up call - a DUI in the company car. This lead to the beginning of his explorations relative to sobriety. Four months later, I came back. Recently, I discovered that cell phone bills are available on the internet. During the last 4 months, work is slow, he has been relapsing when I - or he, is out of town. I discovered many drunken dialing incidents. He would arrive at an out of town hotel, tell me he was turning in at 11pm, and drink and dial until 3am. So now this guy is my fiance (as of Dec) and I discover that he has been captain of the barge riding down De Nial for the last year. I am nauseous. He claims he doesn't want to be a drinking man. He has agreed to go to rehab. My question is this...he is a binge drinker alcoholic. He can easily go for 7 days without the preoccupation, the 10th day or so his alcohol monster takes over his brain and leads him to his next binge. Do 28 day programs work for that? Or are they designed more for the daily drinker problem? Has anyone had any experience with the 7 Weeks to Sobriety book??? Do not despair, I am not managing his recovery - just not working right now and doing some of the legwork.
Member
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Florida
Posts: 6
Hi Penny-
I would check out the statistics of any rehab before putting someone there for 28 days. I know you are put off by your A's behavior, but does he really want to quit? What I mean is, many people caught with DUI's will comply with whatever to keep their license but don't think there is a drinking problem. To them, they have a getting caught problem!
I don't know your situation, but rehabs are costly and Project Match showed poor statistics for them.
If your A waits to be out of town or for you to be out of town before drinking, this shows he has remarkable control over when he drinks...
Best Wishes,
Quitter
I would check out the statistics of any rehab before putting someone there for 28 days. I know you are put off by your A's behavior, but does he really want to quit? What I mean is, many people caught with DUI's will comply with whatever to keep their license but don't think there is a drinking problem. To them, they have a getting caught problem!
I don't know your situation, but rehabs are costly and Project Match showed poor statistics for them.
If your A waits to be out of town or for you to be out of town before drinking, this shows he has remarkable control over when he drinks...
Best Wishes,
Quitter
Guest
Posts: n/a
My "A?" I guess I should get the lingo down. That was my first post. I have done a lot of reading on alcholism, but have never found any one theory/philosophy that matches him. He doesn't drink when his life is moving fast enough - which most times it does. He has an extremely demanding job for 7 months out of the year. When he has some down time - and it is not replaced with some heavy stimuli - he fills it with drinking - CAPTAIN DESTRUCTO DRINKING - at which point all bets are off. He wants to be a non-drinking man - the court thing is long since over - but harbors this obsession. He used to obsess about pot, and that just WENT AWAY. I think that is why I stick around - it is tough getting to the black and white of giving up hope and moving on.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hello Penny!
Welcome to the recovery forum!
Well, I'm curious. What is it that made you go looking at his telephone bills? Surely unless his behavior was suspect, there was no reason to do that. Perhaps you have been doing a little barging in that famous river yourself?
People quit drinking when they are ready to quit drinking. When that time comes, they find the method that will work for them. The rehab will work, if and only if your fiance' wants it to.
Now about you! The more you participate in the hunt for the great recovery, the less you will know about his sincerity. It's another way of putting on the blinders. If you're helping make his decisions it takes the attention off of the ones YOU need to make.
Please keep reading and posting! In this forum, we talk about how drinking and drugging by another individual has affected us and what we are doing to get over it. Tell us about YOU!
Hugs,
Smoke
Welcome to the recovery forum!
Well, I'm curious. What is it that made you go looking at his telephone bills? Surely unless his behavior was suspect, there was no reason to do that. Perhaps you have been doing a little barging in that famous river yourself?
People quit drinking when they are ready to quit drinking. When that time comes, they find the method that will work for them. The rehab will work, if and only if your fiance' wants it to.
Now about you! The more you participate in the hunt for the great recovery, the less you will know about his sincerity. It's another way of putting on the blinders. If you're helping make his decisions it takes the attention off of the ones YOU need to make.
Please keep reading and posting! In this forum, we talk about how drinking and drugging by another individual has affected us and what we are doing to get over it. Tell us about YOU!
Hugs,
Smoke
Guest
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My search for the great recovery is born from much experience. My best friend recently confronted a similar problem, and is achieving success (2 weeks and counting) with a program that has a program of vitamin supplements to help heal deficiencies caused by drinking. She hasn't had any cravings. I have been interested in alcoholism, and have monitored my own drinking, because my father was an alcoholic - dead at age 51. Anyway, I have no opinions on any recovery strategies but have intuitive beliefs that contradict some of them. My search is of the "when do I walk" variety.
Paused
Join Date: Oct 2001
Posts: 6
The "when do I walk?" question is something that many of us struggle with during our recovery. So, what about your recovery? How is that going? Have you attended Al-Anon meetings, gotten a sponsor, begun working the steps? That stuff helps us learn to deal with our A's recovery (or lack thereof).
Paused
Join Date: May 2002
Location: United States
Posts: 39
Hi Penny, I too am very new to this forum by accident. However, I couldn't be more thankful for this site!!
When I met my A he was in rehab (first clue) for his 3rd DUI conviction. Our relationship was perfect while court/jail was hanging over his head. He stayed sober and I fell madly in love with him. Then once court went away the alcohol became a frequent occuarnce. Instead of getting out of the realtionship I started hiding, lying and doing whatever I could to keep HIS secret. You see everyone, I mean everyone thought he was still sober (even his sponsor). What was the next step, of course move out with him because I can control his drinking if we live together. Well, the drinking got worse, the fighting got more frequent and I took a second job just to get away from him (and also try to pay off our debts). I gave so many empty threats it was ridiculous. "If you don't stop drinking, I'll leave"! Then, one day I woke up so empty and sad I couldn't breathe. I couldn't even cry anymore. It felt as if I was 100 years old (I'm only 23) and drowning (and I hate self-pity!!). On April 9, I took him to work & called in sick. I went home and packed all my stuff. I couldn't do it anymore. I had lost my identy.
You see, I thought I could fix him and just like you, I did the leg work for my A when it came to rehabs. That didn't work because he didn't want to get sober yet. When I left my A, he did his own research on sobriety. As of today my A has 39 days sober. He (key word HE) checked himself into a rehab facility (in another state) and got the help he so much needed. I know he did not get sober for me/us becuase I told him I would NEVER go back. I needed to know that if he got sober it was to save his life not our realtionship. Sorry, this post is so long. I just wanted you to know there is someone who went through what you are going through right now. No one can tell you what the right choice is. Only you will know the right answer. Listen to your head and pray about it. I strongly suggest attending an Al-Anon meeting. I've only been to two but I plan on starting my steps this week.
When I met my A he was in rehab (first clue) for his 3rd DUI conviction. Our relationship was perfect while court/jail was hanging over his head. He stayed sober and I fell madly in love with him. Then once court went away the alcohol became a frequent occuarnce. Instead of getting out of the realtionship I started hiding, lying and doing whatever I could to keep HIS secret. You see everyone, I mean everyone thought he was still sober (even his sponsor). What was the next step, of course move out with him because I can control his drinking if we live together. Well, the drinking got worse, the fighting got more frequent and I took a second job just to get away from him (and also try to pay off our debts). I gave so many empty threats it was ridiculous. "If you don't stop drinking, I'll leave"! Then, one day I woke up so empty and sad I couldn't breathe. I couldn't even cry anymore. It felt as if I was 100 years old (I'm only 23) and drowning (and I hate self-pity!!). On April 9, I took him to work & called in sick. I went home and packed all my stuff. I couldn't do it anymore. I had lost my identy.
You see, I thought I could fix him and just like you, I did the leg work for my A when it came to rehabs. That didn't work because he didn't want to get sober yet. When I left my A, he did his own research on sobriety. As of today my A has 39 days sober. He (key word HE) checked himself into a rehab facility (in another state) and got the help he so much needed. I know he did not get sober for me/us becuase I told him I would NEVER go back. I needed to know that if he got sober it was to save his life not our realtionship. Sorry, this post is so long. I just wanted you to know there is someone who went through what you are going through right now. No one can tell you what the right choice is. Only you will know the right answer. Listen to your head and pray about it. I strongly suggest attending an Al-Anon meeting. I've only been to two but I plan on starting my steps this week.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Penny
Just a suggestion, but instead of managing HIS recovery, why not look into some recovery for yourself. Go to some meetings, Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, CoDA, snything that will help you get off this roller coaster ride you have been taking.
Your instince tells you that he is in trouble, and I believe you are right. Only he can get help for himself. I disagree with Quitter about him having any control. Binge drinking is an "out of control" situation. Don't want to debate this with anyone, it's my opinion based on many many personal observations. There ae "functioning" alcoholics who appear quite responsible and normal to the rest of the world, but who are, in fact, just as addicted as "non-functioning" alcoholics. Any they, too, get arrested, get sicker, and die.
I just noticed that I, too, am talking more about him than you, and apologize. You need help. We all do, and the sooner we get help for ourselves, the sooner we return to some semblance of sanity.
Good Luck.
Hugs
Just a suggestion, but instead of managing HIS recovery, why not look into some recovery for yourself. Go to some meetings, Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, CoDA, snything that will help you get off this roller coaster ride you have been taking.
Your instince tells you that he is in trouble, and I believe you are right. Only he can get help for himself. I disagree with Quitter about him having any control. Binge drinking is an "out of control" situation. Don't want to debate this with anyone, it's my opinion based on many many personal observations. There ae "functioning" alcoholics who appear quite responsible and normal to the rest of the world, but who are, in fact, just as addicted as "non-functioning" alcoholics. Any they, too, get arrested, get sicker, and die.
I just noticed that I, too, am talking more about him than you, and apologize. You need help. We all do, and the sooner we get help for ourselves, the sooner we return to some semblance of sanity.
Good Luck.
Hugs
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Posts: n/a
Thanks for your replies and your experiences. I don't want to set off a firestorm, but I went to Al-Anon as a kid because my Dad was an alcoholic. Nothing there ever resonated with me. I have been to meetings because I was ordered to (DUI.) All I really needed to do was be faced with someone I loved to see how alcohol was CAPTAIN DESTRUCTO in life. Now, happily, I don't really drink (maybe 5 glasses of wine this year) and don't have ANY cravings. I can't say this was true my whole life. I have definitely been through periods when I felt a frequent "happy hour" pull toward a fine Chardonnay. I don't know why, but that went away. Maybe I became more aware of life and its meanings, and less obsessed with wine and escape. I guess that's why I think it can happen for him. This is my first day to this forum (or any for that matter) and I have been reading the RR/AA posts - this is not a fake post. I have done a fair amount of reading over the years, and have seen many statistics about recovery/relapse/treatment/non-treatment. Probably don't have much confidence in the numbers, because I probably know many people who drink every night after work, get up the next day and do it again who aren't interested in why they are buffering their lives. I am sure these people aren't represented in the numbers. What I feel about any "program" is the same as I feel about organized religion. I am always suspicious when there is only one way to heaven, and you can only belong to one group to get there. That isn't a God I can believe in.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hello Penny,
It certainly can happen for him, but nobody here has a crystal ball. It is impossible to see into another person's heart. And you are the only one who will ever know when enough is enough for you. If you have been to alanon meetings, then your certainly know that our focus here is on getting past our own obsession with what addicts do, not on ways to fix them.
If you want examples of how we fix OURSELVES, there is a lot of experience, strength and hope here.
Smoke
It certainly can happen for him, but nobody here has a crystal ball. It is impossible to see into another person's heart. And you are the only one who will ever know when enough is enough for you. If you have been to alanon meetings, then your certainly know that our focus here is on getting past our own obsession with what addicts do, not on ways to fix them.
If you want examples of how we fix OURSELVES, there is a lot of experience, strength and hope here.
Smoke
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