Ritual

Hello all,

I've been googling a fair bit the last few days to try to find some sense or plan with regard to my domestic situation. This is my first post here, and it's not a happy one, but I really feel the need to let a few things out before I explode.

So, about me first I guess. I'm a compulsive gambler, currently in recovery, and I've spent a fair bit of time (probably not as much as I should have) with the 12 step program. My recovery has been more successful than not, but I've had my moments, and for sure I have caused problems, some of them pretty bad. I share this because it has bearing on the rest.

I live with my girlfriend and our 3 year old daughter, who is the sweetest little girl on the earth. I have to say that - I am her daddy

My GF is a drinker, and a bad one. Her tipple of choice is wine, and without exaggeration, she gets through between 2 and 3 bottles per day. Every day. It starts fairly early in the afternoon most days, so by evening she's a slobbering mess. It's at the point now where she doesn't stop until she passes out.

Being an addict myself, I have tried very hard not to project the signs I expect to see from addicts. I doubt myself very badly in this regard. Getting down to the brass tacks of it though, I can't ignore the fact that she's drinking enough to do very serious damage to herself, and she is absolutely not interested in hearing from someone else about it.

This is the part where I am probably reacting incorrectly. I've read lots of articles on Al-Anon's site, and loads and loads of posts here. I have REALLY tried to absorb the "I can't control it, I can't stop it and I didn't cause it" message, because I really want some peace of mind, but it's very hard. I tend to put up with it until it gets extreme, and then I'll blow up and there's a huge row. And naturally, it's always my fault. The row, the drinking, everything.

Given my own performances when I was in the throes of my addiction, I could believe this, if not for the fact that she was a problem drinker long before I came on the scene. I didn't know this at the start of course. I found this out from her family. However, she has legitimate ammunition, and insane as this sounds, it's easier for me to believe it than to rise above it.

I won't go into any specific behaviours or tales of horror, as you've all heard them or something similar/worse, and the basic problems are the same as anyone living with an addict has.

I want to leave. I really really do. I have had enough, and I no longer trust myself to be able to keep my reason around this. I have come so close to thumping her on a couple of occasions after particularly nasty episodes. I'm furious with her just about every minute of every day now, and it's extremely obvious that she could not care less. The alcoholic has completely taken over, and it's not letting the real her out to be my GF anymore. It's also compromising my own recovery. I fell off the wagon the other day for the first time in months, and am now disgusted with myself as well as her. I have been down this road, almost to it's end before, and I can't face that old life I had again. It'd kill me this time.

The problem is that if I leave, I have no rights under law in this country (Ireland) to take my daughter with me. And of course, I absolutely can't trust her care to my GF. That may sound dramatic, but a small example of what I mean. My GF starts early in the day. She does not usually eat before she starts. Alcohol is a powerful appetite suppresant, and in her addled head, she thinks that if she's not hungry nobody else can be. Which basically means that she doesn't think to feed the little girl until she's crying with hunger. I can usually head this off at the pass because I know now what to expect, but I work - I can't be there 24 hours per day as it is. I am lucky enough to work from home, and I spend my day running up and down our stairs to check on little one while trying to get my work done as well. It's hard even living here.

I'm basically completely trapped. I cannot risk the health or safety of my daughter to this woman, and if I stay much longer I am concerned that I will either go insane (and I am not joking about this), or, more likely, fall back into my old ways - bankrupt my family, lose everything, and ultimately...well, I am sure many people know what a gambler's "ultimately" is. I'm also concerned about my anger level. It's rising every day, and I don't trust myself not to become physical when I'm taking the nightly torrent of abuse.

I have no idea what to do. What prompted me to finally post is Christmas. I am certain that I am not the only one who is experiencing misery this year on this day, but like I said at the start, I have to let some of it out, even if only in typing.

Before I go, I do want to say that this site and these boards have been eye-opening for me. Not only do I have some understanding of what I can expect and what I should do, but I begin also to understand what I must have put people through myself.

Thanks for reading, and I sincerely wish a very Merry Christmas to those who can have one.

Rit.

thislonelygirl

Sorry . I just posted on this morning about my Christmas experience with my ah. Its not fun being with an alcoholic and its hell on earth if its the holidays.i too feel like I am losing my mind.any longer I wont have one. I too feel like my ah is a horrible parent. I dont know what you should do but I have been stuck as wel....asap I am leaving!

alba67

Dont really know how to advise you folks, I,d say yous have to get your partners to a meeting. Maybe you could leave some basic AA leaflets lying around in the hope that something they read plants a seed.

Ritual

@alba - at this point I'll try anything! I want my gf back, and I want my little girl to grow up free of the monkeys her parents carry on their backs. Thanks for your post

@lonelygirl - your posts today were heartbreaking. I truly hope that a way forward becomes clear for you. I know that offering sympathy can seem condescending sometimes, but you truly have mine. Stay positive

Hawkeye13

Well if things are desperate enough that you might be contemplating domestic violence or relapse into gambling, and you cannot legally take the little girl out of the home, perhaps you need to get social services on your side somehow--can you document or have them come see the state she is in at "passing out phase" and show that your daughter is not safe and cannot be left with her if you leave?

I know getting the state involved in anything can be dangerous, but if you are truly at your wit's end with this, than you have to take some sort of action. File for custody perhaps?

If you can work from home, you can take care of your daughter. If you are the breadwinner of the family and your girlfriend does no more than drink everyday, it seems you've got a case.

Perhaps consult a lawyer before anything if you haven't. Are you named on the birth certificate? Have you been with your daughter since her birth? Can you document this?
All of these things can help, but it still could be nasty and your own addiction will be brought up no doubt.

The most important issue here, however, as you seem to realize, is your daughter's welfare. Growing up with a severely drunk mother is no way to live. I did and it caused lots of harm.

Ritual

Thanks for your post, Hawkeye. I have considered getting the state involved before, but it scares the hell out of me. And of course it would mean that it's finally, irrevocably over. That is not what I want.

I know there's no easy solution. I think for the immediate future, I will get in touch with Al-Anon and seek some support and maybe advice.

I also think that you may be correct about starting to document things and possibly file them with my legal counsel.

I'm going to take some time to think this through before I do anything though.

Rit.

alba67

Good idea R on the al-anon, I was at an AA convention in Mayo recently and by pure accident I went into one of the anon meetings. This was a complete eye opener for my cause like yourself my partner is also an alcoholic.....I recommend you go to your next al-anon meeting, and again.....GLUCK...

Ritual

Thanks Alba

Danae

Others have documented with photos and videos and any texts or emails that may be relevant. Also keep detailed notes. And I agree, seek legal advice.

dandylion

Also, Ritual--keep all the receipts for the liquor, if that is possible.

dandylion

Ritual

Thanks Danae and Dandylion. I think at this point I have no choice.

Got up this morning (not too early, I admit - bout noon But it is my day off!) and she was already at it. So I just told her that I would be leaving.

It's going to take me a couple of weeks to sort out a new place and move work there, and I fully intend to bring little girl with me. I think I will need to see a solicitor VERY soon now.

Support here is great - thank you all.

Rit.

Hawkeye13

Please keep posting Ritual and let us know how things are going.

Best of luck to you with this--I know it isn't easy but your daughter deserves
a stable and happy childhood.

hopeful4

Good for you! You do not have to tolerate that. It will be easier for your little girl the smaller she is, I have found that out the hard way. I have waited too long and now it will be harder as my DD's are 8 and 14, I should have left years ago!

Yes with the solicitor! Go ASAP.

I wish you strength for you and your child during this journey!

PohsFriend

You noted the things that are out of your control and the things that are within your control. You also noted some things that seem questionable - like having no rights where your daughter is concerned. I'd echo the advice to educate yourself more on that one.

As a dad who raised his first child solo for many years I can tell you that the system is not fair and does not recognize that a father is every bit as much a parent as a mother and that plumbing doesn't have a damned thing to do with parental competency.

...but so what? knowing that the rules are different for a man I had two choices - rant or rage against the unfairness of the game or learn how it works, understand how to play it and play by the rules.

Regardless of what your wife does, you have the ability and the responsibility to do whatever it takes to ensure the well being of your daughter. You can only fix you and the harsh but undeniable truth right now is that you are the only one who can ensure that she is OK and you either do whatever it takes to make sure she is OK or you don't. If you don't then whatever fate befalls her is on you and you alone.

That sounds harsh but my intention is anything but. There are a few things in this world that have the power to change a human being at their very core and enable them to overcome their worst demons. None is more powerful than to look into the eyes of your child and know that their future is in your hands and that if you fail then there will come a day when you get to answer the questions they will ask that start out "Daddy, if you knew... why didn't you protect me from...?"

That's a punch in the gut to think about but it sure helps one find the determination we need when things get tough.

My wife's continued sobriety is a testament to her desire to be a good mom but she has told me and I've heard her share with others when she's spoken in AA meetings that she knows her husband loves her with all of his heart just as she knows that if she were drunk and unable to provide for him properly then I would put her in a hospital or pick our son up and step over her on my way out the door but his safety and well being would come first over anything and everything and that certainty that she can have a family or a drink but not both helps her keep her resolve on days like today - she felt like taking it easy and doing stuff around the house but instead she is at a meeting because she skipped yesterday and does not like to go two days without a meeting because that keeps her sober.

Hang in there friend. Like all of us you have to work on yourself first and make sure that you and your little one are safe regardless of your wife's future path. Oddly enough, the evidence seems to suggest that this is also the best way to help an alcoholic find the strength to change their future - focus on yours.

CarryOn

Welcome, Ritual.

I echo the others...see an attorney (or solicitor) to explore your options for custody. Knowledge is power...we all can use all the knowledge we can get. I met with an attorney and the information she provided for my situation was invaluable.

Please always keep your little girl first, she deserves a calm and loving home, regardless of the number of caregivers or what their relationship. There are a lot of stories on the Adult Children board that can help you understand how important this is.

When it comes to dealing with AGF...I suggest using detachment & setting boundaries. One boundary I used with RAH when he was active was not to talk with him once he'd had four beers...conversation after he'd had that much was pointless and only ended in argument. There are a lot of tools that AlAnon and SR can help you learn that will make your life more peaceful, regardless of your living situation.

Please keep us posted on your progress & keep reading.

Ritual

PohsFriend....your post hit me hard. I'm still absorbing that. You have alot of good advice in there, and you're damn right that I have to think about my little girl's future, and the questions she might one day ask. I'll reply more when I've read it another few times...but thank you!

CarryOn, I'm almost afraid to read that board. I'm soft in alot of ways and when it comes to kids, the horror stories just get right under my skin. But you and Pohs both said the important thing - get educated, and get help.

Thank you both!

Rit.

feeling-good

Ritual

Just want to say I wish you the absolute best going forward. You absolutely have to do the best thing for you and your little one. I am a recovering alcoholic and currently live apart from my little girl, who is 8.5 years old, but see her several times a week. I am also just over the water in Scotland. My thoughts are with you.

Ritual

Thank you very much feeling-good

Your post made me smile, and for that I confer on you the title of Honorary Irishman (or woman!) - although in fairness, the Scots kinda already are

Rit.

PohsFriend

Glad you took it as intended and it doesn't take a rocket surgeon.. or brain scientist or whatever, to guess the one thing in this world most likely to put steel in your spine when your knees go a tad wobbly - those daughters... man do they ever teach us what it means to be willing to kill or die for something.

You are stronger than you know my friend, there's nothing like imagining your daughter watching you to shame/shove/motivate you to making sure she is proud.

Hang in there brother, you guys can pull off wearing a skirt and make it look tough ;-) you can do this and you know you can because you have to and somehow "have to" makes a lot of those nagging fears and self-doubts go away. When she reaches dating age and the boys show up just let us know, we'll bring rope and some shovels and deal with that too.

Stung

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I agree that knowledge is power when it comes to custody. If/when I leave my alcoholic husband, I have enough recordings of his abusive, inappropriate, out of control behavior to protect my daughters from him. Definitely educate yourself, make a plan and stay focused on achieving the best outcome for your daughter.