What I have learned in a decade
Silver Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Colorado
Posts: 28
What I have learned in a decade
I just looked for the date of my first post on SR and it was 8/2003.
My struggle with my wife's drinking hasn't changed much at all during most of that time but maybe now I really can do what I know is the right thing to do.
That last sentence really says it all. "I've struggled with her drinking." That's what has to finally come to an end. It's not my struggle, its hers. There is no fixing this problem by anything I can do. I've read what Melanie B. and others have to say, I've visited SR (which has kept me sane and whole, thank you all) so what have I concluded after a decade...Live my life, detach, and most of all, don't let her drinking get me so down. When I see the bottle, the glass, or the hidden coffee cup, choose happiness and find something positive to do.
This detaching thing is tricky business. It can be seen as not caring and a growing rift. I've learned it's good to explain to her what's going on (in the morning). I let her know I love her but I just can't be around her when she's drinking.
Obviously this has not been bad enough for me to leave, but our marriage could be so much stronger and happier without the nightly fermented grape interloper. That is my real sorrow. I don't think there will ever be a rock bottom. I'm very worried about her health in the future.
So, in the next 10 years that button has been removed and can no longer be pushed.
Wish me luck, and good luck to you all.
My struggle with my wife's drinking hasn't changed much at all during most of that time but maybe now I really can do what I know is the right thing to do.
That last sentence really says it all. "I've struggled with her drinking." That's what has to finally come to an end. It's not my struggle, its hers. There is no fixing this problem by anything I can do. I've read what Melanie B. and others have to say, I've visited SR (which has kept me sane and whole, thank you all) so what have I concluded after a decade...Live my life, detach, and most of all, don't let her drinking get me so down. When I see the bottle, the glass, or the hidden coffee cup, choose happiness and find something positive to do.
This detaching thing is tricky business. It can be seen as not caring and a growing rift. I've learned it's good to explain to her what's going on (in the morning). I let her know I love her but I just can't be around her when she's drinking.
Obviously this has not been bad enough for me to leave, but our marriage could be so much stronger and happier without the nightly fermented grape interloper. That is my real sorrow. I don't think there will ever be a rock bottom. I'm very worried about her health in the future.
So, in the next 10 years that button has been removed and can no longer be pushed.
Wish me luck, and good luck to you all.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I never had that much control over my feelings when I was married to an alcoholic. But I do wish you luck, and peace of mind, and good friends to fill the void created by the lack of intimacy.
Try not to over-protect her. It just gives the disease a comfortable place to grow. It's very difficult to love someone and to accept that that individual must face suffering in life, as we all must do. Alcoholics wish to escape the difficult and painful challenges of life which force a person to mature and to become stronger. And often those around them volunteer to help them out in that escape by taking on the responsibilities rightfully belonging to the alcoholic, thus preventing any kind of personal, and painful, transformation in the alcoholic.
But you know all this, since August 2003, and maybe longer.
You are doing your best. More will unfold. I hope 2014 is a positive year for you, no matter what.
Try not to over-protect her. It just gives the disease a comfortable place to grow. It's very difficult to love someone and to accept that that individual must face suffering in life, as we all must do. Alcoholics wish to escape the difficult and painful challenges of life which force a person to mature and to become stronger. And often those around them volunteer to help them out in that escape by taking on the responsibilities rightfully belonging to the alcoholic, thus preventing any kind of personal, and painful, transformation in the alcoholic.
But you know all this, since August 2003, and maybe longer.
You are doing your best. More will unfold. I hope 2014 is a positive year for you, no matter what.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
Hi Firefighter;
I wish you peace in the coming season.
It sounds like it has been a long lonely struggle and may still be unless you change your situation even more.
I hope you can find a way to create more happiness for yourself in 2014.
I dealt with an alcoholic mother for nearly 40 years before I finally stepped away and took back my life. I only wish I had put myself first sooner.
I understand love and obligation, but please remember that self-love is not selfish.
Best to you and your family.
I wish you peace in the coming season.
It sounds like it has been a long lonely struggle and may still be unless you change your situation even more.
I hope you can find a way to create more happiness for yourself in 2014.
I dealt with an alcoholic mother for nearly 40 years before I finally stepped away and took back my life. I only wish I had put myself first sooner.
I understand love and obligation, but please remember that self-love is not selfish.
Best to you and your family.
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