Katchie

So, I'm back from spending an early Christmas with my dad. It was a 6 hour drive both directions the drive was quiet but the silence was deafening and stressfull. And I think all the while that I love him and hate him all at the same time. The hate feeling is a lot more powerful here lately. He use to be the most intelligent person I knew. I admires him. Now, I can honestly say I've lost respect for him and find myself thinking his words are stupid even if he's speaking sober. Losing respect for him..is anyone else living with someone you've totally lost respect for? How did/have you handled that?

Hopeworks

My first husband was an addict and my two children have dealt with that their entire lives. I felt it was important that they never felt abandoned so I made sure I didn't sabotage the relationship and they he always had access during stable periods in his life. For the last 15 years he has owned his own business and managed to support himself and his pot habit but never helped with the kids financially and I never pursued him.

They completely disrespect him and the relationships are topsy turvey with my children acting in a parental role sometimes... they are successful and stable and he is always in crisis. He borrowed money from both of them years ago and have never paid them back. They are glad so they never have to loan money to him again... sigh.

They are kind to him... see him on holidays and speak on the phone on occasion but they have zero respect for him and his lifestyle. Right now he is sleeping with a married woman who was his high school sweetheart and married the stable guy instead of his wild behind. Now she is bored and they hooked up online and are planning to run off together in the near future.

Yuck. What a Loser. And I saddled those poor kids with him as a dad. Anyway... the great news is that you are not limited to anything because of your relatives and you can shoot for the stars.

If your dad is toxic you don't have to have him in your life if you don't want... my kids choose to keep a distant relationship as he would be devastated if he were to be rejected by them. They are sweet and kind but also very healthy and balanced in their relationships with others including dear old dad.

Katchie

I'm so sorry..I have been so caught up in my thoughts that I didn't clarify I'm speaking about my husband, tho your advice would still apply, thank you.

Hopeworks

Oh... I reread it and see you returned from a visit from your dad to your husband!

Well, I can testify to that too! I completely lost respect on the lying, cheating despicable XA a long, long time ago. I told him that if we were the last human male on the planet and all of humankind depended upon us reconciling I would rather see the entire race disappear.

Yep... it was that bad.

That was the first XAH and years later managed to enmesh myself with XA #2 who was not a cheater but was a liar, unreliable drunk and wasted many years with that fiasco. He is sober now and we are friends 2500 miles apart... phone buddies only. He is a good guy and in recovery but...hey... recovery is usally temporary with him so all bets are off and reconciliation is not ever happening in that I would entangle my life with his.

Katchie

I guess I feel guilty about feeling this way. He's not abusive in the classic sense if the word. He does drive w/the kids after drinking & has had a DUI while they were in his care. When he isn't drinking he's 'normal' w/the exception that he doesn't help me with the boys--he coaches them in their sport but doesn't really father, just a good-time-Charlie. I guess it doesn't matter how he behaves, I just can't stand it and have lost all respect. Not sure what to do about it.

atalose

I was with someone I lost respect for. And then I lost respect for myself, had to leave so I could get that back.

dandylion

For me, I found that respect and trust are very closely tied. When I lost trust, I lost respect. It is hard to love that which you neither trust or respect.

dandylion

Katchie

That makes so much sense. I just feel like running away.
I get alerts on my phone when a withdraw or purchase is made over $125. I noticed today I had an alert that a purchase for $3700 was made at a jewelry store. I'm assuming that's for me as a gift. I can't help but think all the tension between us, all my looks of suspicion if he's been drinking, etc, is a ploy to appease me. Isn't that awful to think these things??!! But that's what I feel ive been reduced to! I can't even enjoy the thought if this gift. I didn't get him anything.

dandylion

Katchie--you sound miserable. Please realize that you do not have to stay in a relationship where you are miserable. You can change your situation. You deserve happiness as much as anyone else on this earth.

I just read Desert Eyes's post (the one about life after leaving the alcoholic--about a toxic relationship causing "a slow erosion of the soul"...You might want to read that one.

At any rate, that is what your post brought to my mind.

I hope you can enjoy tomorrow as much as possible under the circumstances.

Merry Christmas

dandylion

kpez

I lost respect for my husband awhile ago, I was calling him or thinking nasty things and I then realized that this was wrong. I shouldn't be thinking or saying these things he's my husband....I think that was about the time I realized I needed to try to get back on my feet emotionally and try to figure a way out.

Good luck to you, I think I'm going through the worst part of my life and truly hope I can endure the upcoming heartache of the whole damn thing.