Sad about separating, don't know why.

Old 12-24-2013, 09:56 AM
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Sad about separating, don't know why.

It looks like we are really going ahead with this separation. Of course now that we've decided that, we aren't arguing at all and our house is peaceful. That's good, because I wanted Christmas to be nice for the boys. We're still going to my parents' tomorrow to spend time with my family after we open presents.

I am all over the place with my emotions - crying one minute (only when I'm alone), feeling hopeful once I compose myself. I'm SCARED in a lot of ways. The boys will be with me primarily and see their dad as much as possible. The thing is, I kind of KNOW he's going to be a better person when we separate. I think he'll be a better dad, and I think he's ready to become a better man, but he has a lot of work ahead of him and time will tell if he's ready/willing to do it. I KNOW this is the right thing for the boys. But then I also keep thinking about how sad it is that we failed at this (then again, as he admits, he's caused 99% of our problems). I keep imagining what it will be like when it's the last night we spend as a family in this house. Those things just tear me up and make me so sad.

How do you emotionally separate yourself? Do you just focus on the bad? To be fair, most of the last several months has been bad. I know part of me is sad about losing something that wasn't that great to begin with. We had some great moments, but a lot of icky moments too. I'm so used to having him around and having him to talk to. Although like I said, his mood swings over the last few months have made it harder and harder to talk to him. He has also been hard on me, which makes me not want to spend a lot of time with him.

Is a year a good amount of time to do this? I see a lot of marriage counselors recommend six months. I just feel that with his problems, six months wouldn't possibly be long enough. I guess I'm just afraid that after a year, we will grow even further apart and there will be no going back. But maybe that's a good thing.
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Old 12-24-2013, 12:34 PM
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When I had brought this up to my AH several weeks ago, I had suggested 90 days...and I heard it from somewhere else but I'm drawing a blank right this moment (mommy brain strikes again!!) but I thought 3 months was a good time to check back in and see how we both felt after spending time apart.

Are you guys legally separating or just living separately and hoping that time apart will make things better? And is your AH going to have any overnights with your kids?
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Old 12-24-2013, 12:36 PM
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DUH! I heard it in marriage counseling. I had suggested that he get a studio on his own and then our counselor said maybe 90 days would be a good period of time. But that's when he was insisting that alcohol was no longer part of the equation. LIES!
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Old 12-24-2013, 12:39 PM
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The grieving process isn't negated just because the relationship is with an A. It's ok to feel these emotions just as you would with any other relationship ending. I think one year is a good marker for progress. Regardless of if you come back together or if you get farther apart, then I wager that you will probably be relieved because of changes that have occurred either way.
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Old 12-24-2013, 12:40 PM
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It's completely normal to be sad about losing someone you love, even if that person has done things to hurt you. I'm sorry. I hope you can enjoy Christmas with your family. You'll get through it. Hang in there.

Wishing you much love and healing. xooxox
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