Can I give him a book on alcohol?
 

I buried this question in a king winded post yesterday fancy me doing that! Someone, I am sorry, I can't remember who, gave their BF a book called "under the influence"
. And extremely LOGICAL book on alcoholism,
Since my AH's drinking is not out of control at the moment, since he is white knuckling it until we are home, and maybe further and maybe not. Is this an appropriate gift if I truly believe it MIGHT help him. I doubt he would pick up the Big Book if it was dipped in silver,
Input very welcome

I looked it up on Amazon when someone else mentioned it here and it has mixed reviews (or it seemed like it had mixed reviews.) Anyhoo, I thought about buying it for AH but thought it would come off as condescending...kind of like giving an obese person a workout video. But that might just be because my AH is a turd. It could totally be well received by your guy. IDK.

I feel like I should read it, I started and it's very good at explaining the physiology which is totally different from anything I read. I could be wrong and it could be rubbish, but I feel if I have the info why not pass along? However I totally understand the fat comparison. LOL

Big Book helped me and my wife
 

that's too bad because
the AA Big Book explains alcoholism almost perfectly
when I was running a much my wife called my Sponsor
he recommended that she read the Big Book
she did read it while I was out doing my drunk routine
she has always said since "it helped her to understand a lot about the drunk"

To be honest, no. It is better for you to find yourself a book about codependency. Getting sober is an inside job and he needs to have that interest himself. Once he chooses recovery and hopefully a program, there will be an abundance of literature to read.

It is an excellent book, as is Sober for Good. However, unless he wants to get sober, then neither will do him much good.

When my now RAH first attempted sobriety about 18 months ago I bought him 2 of the smart recovery books and he inhaled them.

I don't think it's a bad idea at all.

Booo---this is from my personal experience with trying to give "helpful information" to other people. It is generally a crap shoot with many variables. Some of the biggest variables being: how much in denial they are about the issue; how much they view you as a threat; How much they view you as trying to control their behaviors; how much they view you as being judgmental, etc.

If you are dealing with someones' addiction--they are, invariably, resistant--they view anything that tries to come between them and the addiction (drink, in this case) as the enemy and will react to it as the enemy. Anything from outright anger to just politely and passive-aggressively ignoring it.

The exception might be if you catch them at a point where their denial is crumbling to the point where they have realized, for themselves, that they need to give up the addiction--they might be open to some enlightnment.

Unfortunately, the statistics are not in your favor--of getting him to suddenly "see the light". You are in a tough position---as tough as his is. He desperately wants/need to continue to drink--and, you, desperately want/need him not to.

I like what littlefish said--that once he chooses recovery and a PROGRAM--there are mountains of literature to read.

"Codependency No More" might be helpful for you to read, at this point, if you haven't, already. I found it to be very, very helpful.

By the way--it won't hurt him one way or another to give him a book--but, it might disappoint you--if you have your hopes up that you can influence him.

You have my empathy.

dandylion

This ^:tyou

My ex may still be with me if I would have picked up a few books when I was white knuckling through a few of my attempted stops. I'm sober now, mainly because I came to a self realization for it and recognized the control it had over me and the fact that it grabbed my soul and self, and turned me into someone else, someone who couldn't look at themselves in the mirror.

She would cry and ask me to stop so I'd quit for a while and be right into a binge. I didn't have the tools, knowledge or right outlook. I think one thing that may have rung my bell would have been if she wrote me a letter, a long heart wrenching letter about how my drinking was affecting her and making her feel. Of course with some live in it as well. Perhaps talking about why you fell in love with him and how he has changed as a person with examples of his behavior.

A little support would have gone a long way too. We don't want a ticker tat parade when we stop, or any " I'm proud of you", at least that wouldn't go well with me. But maybe just a few questions, how do u feel not drinking, do u still feel like drinking, etc. just once in a while.

The choice of books would be important. Under the influence is good from the scientific perspective. There are other books that may help more though - changing white knuckling to
Giving up the drink for good. There are many different recovery paths and choosing the right book for his type if personality would be very important . Does he have an external locust of control or internal? Is he truly commuted to stop? If you let me know more about his persona, I could help with some recommendations. Rational Recovery the new cure for addiction is what completely changed my feeling to addiction, it is mainly about recognizing the addictive voice and choosing permanent abstinence. A different approach then taking things day by day and struggling through a life of recovery, meetings etc. it is pretty strong against the recovery group movement. I'm not here to offend anyone in AA. Whatever works for you and him is all that matters.

I think something all addicts deal with when initially stopping is that they are giving up their drug and things associated with it instead of seeing that they are truly only gaining life and not losing a thing. That's the mindset I feel that is one if the differences between white knuckling and truly quitting and moving on to a meaningful life. I wish she had given me a book. I wish I had quit 3 years ago, but I was lying to myself, addicted, protecting my addiction, and not at terms with it's ugly controlling nature.

I commend you for your love and compassion and support for your relationship. Some if us addicts can make the change quite easily and successful. Some can't or don't want to.


Be kind to yourself.

What is your motivation for giving him the book?
Is it because he doesn't know how to pick out books on his own?
Is it because you hope to find a magic bullet to solve his addiction?

I have read "Under the Influence". I highly recommend it. I also read the follow up "Beyond the Influence". I am a logical thinker, so having the facts of how alcohol can effect every cell of the body, was something I needed to help me understand my addiction.

I am Pelican, and I am a recovering alcoholic.
I am also the recovering ex-spouse of an active alcoholic.

I purchased that book after reading recommendations here at SR. I was married and I was newly sober when I purchased the book. I was married to an active alcoholic. My AH was not sober. I kept the book in the bathroom drawer. One day my AH starts talking about some of the facts he read in MY book. My hope soared!!!! Maybe this book will help him see the err of his ways and he too will choose sobriety.

My hopes were crushed. He did like most alcoholics ~ sober for a period and then binged right back into daily drinking.

What lasting effect did "Under the Influence" have on my husband? He is still active in his addiction today. What lasting effect did "Under the Influence" have on me? I am still sober, and thankful, today.

As a spouse of an alcoholic, I do recommend this book as a way to help understand how alcohol can effect alcoholics. Very informational!

I gave my boyfriend "Under the Influence" and "Sober for Good", as they are two books I read when struggling with alcohol years ago. I don't see how it could hurt, especially if he might be open to alternatives to AA. I personally would not give a recovery book to someone as a Christmas or birthday gift; I think it's more appropriate as an everyday kind of thing as far as a gift goes.

If he reads them that's his choice. Knowledge is power, and I don't think giving someone more information about alcoholism is a bad thing.

Wishing you much love and strength and a beautiful holiday. xoxoxo

Reader is right. I bought that book, for myself, and I found it quite informative. Its is more of a scientific way of looking at alcoholism. Its not a bad idea to give it to him. Its a neutral book. Not like the Big Book which is AA specific. He may not want AA. What works for some does not work for others. Im not a fan of many mainstream recovery groups but like I said, not everything is for everybody. He needs to find his own path. I also read "Inside Rehab" which as also a very good book on the different paths to sobriety, which HE has to take, on his own. Happy Holidays!

My posts are so long and I have described him in many other threads, but I am sure they are lost as I POUR out words when stressed..
so
He's brilliant
He is gentle
He is logical
He's an atheist
He is not abusive verbally or physically towards me.
He is more withdrawn when drunk, or overly pleasing.
(Which is not physically harmful, thank God, but annoying as hell)
He is in the mid stage of alcoholism if I had to guess (white knuckle for weeks even months)
Fine for a few night with a few beers then the progression downward starts.
It takes about a week to two weeks to a month to turn to spirits by the bottle.
He knows he needs to stop
Many many days he wants to stop
He cannot imagine not drinking.
He has tried AA, he has not found a meeting he likes.
Cannot find an HP. The God thing. Sad but I can't change that.
He may be working another program on his own and not telling me. It is entirely possible he is doing something online much like I am. He does not know I am on this board.
He does not like to talk about it. He stuffs his feelings.

As for me, I am reading and re reading nightly co-no-mo and looking for answers to specific questions here as we are on holiday with no local resources.
I am an ACOA, my first husband was an A and now an RA.
I have been to alanon quite a bit, worked the program over 10 years ago, but I myself have relapsed and gone Codie, which I am in withdrawal from myself.
have not gone to meetings recently.
We have an agreement that he needs to work a program of his choice by the end of January.
feel free to wade through any of my posts or threads for more details or ask if I have missed something.
It is the LOGIC of that book that appeals to me. I have never seen it or heard of it except on this board. I don't know the chances he would find it, this particular one, if I did not give it to him.
Maybe not for Christmas..but as a gift.
Thanks. Another long winded one I know.

FLAbeachguy Pelican and Reader. I thank you so much for your posts, not just because they give me a sort of "go ahead" but because you gave the reasons WHY. It's much appreciated.
In fact all of the posts here are helpful. How can I express my gratitude to all who have walked this path, ahead, beside or behind me. Thank you.

I gave a copy of the Big Book to my best friend a while back. I also bought him a copy of Rational Recovery because he says he does not like AA. I am really glad I did, the Big Book makes a great stand for my laptop when I am visiting, prevents it from overheating. I just wish I could find his RR book, would probably make a nice mouse pad ;)
My point is that you can get him the book but whether or not he even bothers to crack it open is up to him. Looking back, though I really use the BB as a computer stand lol, I probably should have bought my friend a scarf or a hat. It would have been more useful to him :(

Booo---This article helped me enormously--enormously to know where my As were.....Http://www.SoberRecovery.com/forums/...-reposted.Html (10 ways to tell when An Addict or Alcoholic is full of crap).

Maybe it will help you, also...

dandylion

Dandylion that's taking me to the main menus, can you help me narrow it down?

Booo, my opinion is go ahead and do it, just don't have any expectations about where it will lead, whether he'll like it or not or any of that stuff. Kind of like any present you give.

BTW, give yourself a present and start reading up on detachment. For me it was a big step in my recovery.

Have a happy holiday season from:

Your friend,

Booo--=go the the blue bar at the top of this page. Click on "search". Then, type in "10 ways to tell if addict or alcoholic is full of crap". It should come up.

If not--please tell me.... (let me know if you do find it!)

dandylion