vanishing at xmas...the cruelest cut
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 90
vanishing at xmas...the cruelest cut
Hi all,
Just posting here once again, hoping to find some strength to NOT contact him. If you read my previous posts, a few days ago, then you know he has been gone since Friday, and haven't heard a word from him since. I did break down on Sat and leave ONE vm, pretty much running over what I thought could be wrong.
Geezus, it sure feels awful to be on this end, esp. with xmas looming. I have presents bought for him, and I know he did buy for me also. I do believe whatever it is stems from me calling him out on something, which he in his warped state of mind, perceives as me trying to control him. It went from there. Also there's the little thing about spending xmas with my family that is most def weighing him down.
There is a mass we have attended on xmas eve together. It's my church also, but he is much more active than I. Should I go to the service? I really do want to, but there's a part of me afraid he will walk right by me and break my heart further. I know, it sounds so juvenile. I hate that he's making me feel like this. I don't know how in the world Im goin to get thru xmas with my relatives with this mindset. I'm struggling to keep myself busy, and all that jazz. God knows I have plenty to do. But I'm slowly sinking as each day goes by. In any event, he has ruined my xmas without a doubt.
Just needed to vent. I really appreciate the listening, and any advice/comments to help keep me from contacting him again. I am on the fence as to whether it will do any good. Everyone's advice is to NOT do any more. This really hurts.
Thanx for listening.
Just posting here once again, hoping to find some strength to NOT contact him. If you read my previous posts, a few days ago, then you know he has been gone since Friday, and haven't heard a word from him since. I did break down on Sat and leave ONE vm, pretty much running over what I thought could be wrong.
Geezus, it sure feels awful to be on this end, esp. with xmas looming. I have presents bought for him, and I know he did buy for me also. I do believe whatever it is stems from me calling him out on something, which he in his warped state of mind, perceives as me trying to control him. It went from there. Also there's the little thing about spending xmas with my family that is most def weighing him down.
There is a mass we have attended on xmas eve together. It's my church also, but he is much more active than I. Should I go to the service? I really do want to, but there's a part of me afraid he will walk right by me and break my heart further. I know, it sounds so juvenile. I hate that he's making me feel like this. I don't know how in the world Im goin to get thru xmas with my relatives with this mindset. I'm struggling to keep myself busy, and all that jazz. God knows I have plenty to do. But I'm slowly sinking as each day goes by. In any event, he has ruined my xmas without a doubt.
Just needed to vent. I really appreciate the listening, and any advice/comments to help keep me from contacting him again. I am on the fence as to whether it will do any good. Everyone's advice is to NOT do any more. This really hurts.
Thanx for listening.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Wybter--I know you are still in a state of "shock" and, yes, Christmas does seem like pouring extra salt into the wound.
I say--do only what you feel you can handle--if the church is too anxiety producing for you--why not go to another church for Mass? I don't think it matters which house of worship.....
Can you just tell your relatives that he is gone...that you are in shock...and just can't talk about it just now...?
Sometimes, the only thing we can do is "the next right thing".
Contacting him now--is likely to disappoint you further if you don't get the response you want/expect. Don' open yourself to more pain than you already have..is my suggestion.
dandylion
I say--do only what you feel you can handle--if the church is too anxiety producing for you--why not go to another church for Mass? I don't think it matters which house of worship.....
Can you just tell your relatives that he is gone...that you are in shock...and just can't talk about it just now...?
Sometimes, the only thing we can do is "the next right thing".
Contacting him now--is likely to disappoint you further if you don't get the response you want/expect. Don' open yourself to more pain than you already have..is my suggestion.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 368
I am so sorry you are going through this. If you are anything like me you are probably trying to carry on and stay strong. All I can say is it's ok to be hurt, to cry and to let people know you aren't ok. Sometimes we tend to try to manage things ourselves and feel lonely about it. I found it really helped to acknowledge that I wasn't ok and to tell people who asked that I wasn't coping. People can really surprise you with how understanding they can be, and it's less of a burden to be honest with yourself and to let yourself feel the pain for a while.
As regards mass, only you know whether your desire to see him is stronger than how hurt you'll be if he ignores you. I would probably go, but then I am a sucker for punishment.
Huge hugs sweetie, you don't deserve this. We're all here for you whenever you need us.
As regards mass, only you know whether your desire to see him is stronger than how hurt you'll be if he ignores you. I would probably go, but then I am a sucker for punishment.
Huge hugs sweetie, you don't deserve this. We're all here for you whenever you need us.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Wybter – you post as much as you need to!!!
I noticed in your post you seem to be accepting the blame for HIS disappearing. You called him out on something – and you have every right to do that to anyone who is lying and trying to deceive you. His reaction and the way he handled the situation by running away is extremely immature. Also, the fact he’s feeling weighed down by having to spend time at the holidays with your family – still doesn’t justify HIM running away.
You accepting the blame for HIS actions is just NOT ACCEPTABLE!!! If you could only have that much power over people, he’d be cured of his disease by now – right??
I agree with dandylion, do what “feels” right for you, if you want to go to church then go and if you don’t then don’t. As she said keep doing the “next right thing” for yourself and that SHOULD NOT include phoning him again!!!! ( (hugs))
His addiction is a like a stone wall that stands to keep him in, and the rest of the world out.
I noticed in your post you seem to be accepting the blame for HIS disappearing. You called him out on something – and you have every right to do that to anyone who is lying and trying to deceive you. His reaction and the way he handled the situation by running away is extremely immature. Also, the fact he’s feeling weighed down by having to spend time at the holidays with your family – still doesn’t justify HIM running away.
You accepting the blame for HIS actions is just NOT ACCEPTABLE!!! If you could only have that much power over people, he’d be cured of his disease by now – right??
I agree with dandylion, do what “feels” right for you, if you want to go to church then go and if you don’t then don’t. As she said keep doing the “next right thing” for yourself and that SHOULD NOT include phoning him again!!!! ( (hugs))
His addiction is a like a stone wall that stands to keep him in, and the rest of the world out.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
YOUR Christmas will only be ruined if you LET IT BE. no, it might not look the way you had imagined, but you can still make it yours.
i seriously doubt with the build up, the picking of fights, and then his hasty exit that you will be seeing him in or anywhere near a CHURCH m'dear. if you want to go, GO. spend time with your family, share as much or as little of the latest as you need to.
and can i say this? what an @SS. did ya take any of those presents back yet for a refund???
final suggestion...don't think you know what caused this from his end. or that you know his mind. cuz you don't. not now.
i seriously doubt with the build up, the picking of fights, and then his hasty exit that you will be seeing him in or anywhere near a CHURCH m'dear. if you want to go, GO. spend time with your family, share as much or as little of the latest as you need to.
and can i say this? what an @SS. did ya take any of those presents back yet for a refund???
final suggestion...don't think you know what caused this from his end. or that you know his mind. cuz you don't. not now.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 182
I might not be popular for this but Christmas (religious beliefs aside) is just a day. It really is. 24 hours will pass and then it will be the next day.
I was very ill and in hospital one Christmas we had a "special" day with gifts and turkey in the February when I got home. It made me realize that we all endow what is really just a day with lots and lots of hopes and dreams.
Please don't let "that day" be what this is all about. Would it be better if it had happened at another time? How would you have handled it differently? If you would have been stronger about not contacting him in the heat of the summer then conjure up that feeling now.
I'm sending you positive thoughts and good wishes at Christmas wynter but they are the same ones I'm sending for the day after and the one after and the one after that.
I was very ill and in hospital one Christmas we had a "special" day with gifts and turkey in the February when I got home. It made me realize that we all endow what is really just a day with lots and lots of hopes and dreams.
Please don't let "that day" be what this is all about. Would it be better if it had happened at another time? How would you have handled it differently? If you would have been stronger about not contacting him in the heat of the summer then conjure up that feeling now.
I'm sending you positive thoughts and good wishes at Christmas wynter but they are the same ones I'm sending for the day after and the one after and the one after that.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
I'm so sorry you're going through this. My BF has disappeared for days at a time and it's heartbreaking and makes my anxiety levels go through the roof.
I don't really have any advice for you except to take care of yourself and spend time with people who love and uplift you.
Wishing you healing and strength. Hugs to you.
I don't really have any advice for you except to take care of yourself and spend time with people who love and uplift you.
Wishing you healing and strength. Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I wish I had the answers for you, but I do encourage you to go to mass somewhere and I also agree, spend time with people who know what is going on that will keep you in their warm embrace.
My family knows what is going on and if I did not have them I truly have no idea what I would do. For me and my girls, they make sure I know I am loved and that they are there all the time. They also keep me grounded when I feel like things are sort of spiraling out of control. It really helps to have people in my life like that. I hope you have a face to face support system. If not, I hope you seek out alanon or Celebrate Recovery. CR has made a huge difference in my life.
Blessings and Hugs.
My family knows what is going on and if I did not have them I truly have no idea what I would do. For me and my girls, they make sure I know I am loved and that they are there all the time. They also keep me grounded when I feel like things are sort of spiraling out of control. It really helps to have people in my life like that. I hope you have a face to face support system. If not, I hope you seek out alanon or Celebrate Recovery. CR has made a huge difference in my life.
Blessings and Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
Originally Posted by wynter 
Hi all,
Just posting here once again, hoping to find some strength to NOT contact him. If you read my previous posts, a few days ago, then you know he has been gone since Friday, and haven't heard a word from him since. I did break down on Sat and leave ONE vm, pretty much running over what I thought could be wrong.
Geezus, it sure feels awful to be on this end, esp. with xmas looming. I have presents bought for him, and I know he did buy for me also. I do believe whatever it is stems from me calling him out on something, which he in his warped state of mind, perceives as me trying to control him. It went from there. Also there's the little thing about spending xmas with my family that is most def weighing him down.
There is a mass we have attended on xmas eve together. It's my church also, but he is much more active than I. Should I go to the service? I really do want to, but there's a part of me afraid he will walk right by me and break my heart further. I know, it sounds so juvenile. I hate that he's making me feel like this. I don't know how in the world Im goin to get thru xmas with my relatives with this mindset. I'm struggling to keep myself busy, and all that jazz. God knows I have plenty to do. But I'm slowly sinking as each day goes by. In any event, he has ruined my xmas without a doubt.
Just needed to vent. I really appreciate the listening, and any advice/comments to help keep me from contacting him again. I am on the fence as to whether it will do any good. Everyone's advice is to NOT do any more. This really hurts.
Thanx for listening.
Just posting here once again, hoping to find some strength to NOT contact him. If you read my previous posts, a few days ago, then you know he has been gone since Friday, and haven't heard a word from him since. I did break down on Sat and leave ONE vm, pretty much running over what I thought could be wrong.
Geezus, it sure feels awful to be on this end, esp. with xmas looming. I have presents bought for him, and I know he did buy for me also. I do believe whatever it is stems from me calling him out on something, which he in his warped state of mind, perceives as me trying to control him. It went from there. Also there's the little thing about spending xmas with my family that is most def weighing him down.
There is a mass we have attended on xmas eve together. It's my church also, but he is much more active than I. Should I go to the service? I really do want to, but there's a part of me afraid he will walk right by me and break my heart further. I know, it sounds so juvenile. I hate that he's making me feel like this. I don't know how in the world Im goin to get thru xmas with my relatives with this mindset. I'm struggling to keep myself busy, and all that jazz. God knows I have plenty to do. But I'm slowly sinking as each day goes by. In any event, he has ruined my xmas without a doubt.
Just needed to vent. I really appreciate the listening, and any advice/comments to help keep me from contacting him again. I am on the fence as to whether it will do any good. Everyone's advice is to NOT do any more. This really hurts.
Thanx for listening.
I wouldn't suggest contacting him again. You left him a voice message, he knows you care, and when he wants to talk he'll find you. Don't set yourself up for more heart ache.
I know how hard it must be for you now, but do try to find a little joy in your holiday. Go to Mass, and go spend time with your family. Tell them what ever you feel you can right now, you might just feel a little better and less alone. Don't let him completely ruin your holiday.
Sending you hugs and much love!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 90
Thank you all. I don't know what I'd do without the kind people on this board. I'm going to take each and every one of your advice/comments to heart. I'm having a really really bad day today. Guess it's hit me finally that he may not be back. I vacillate between hurt and anger. A fine line between love and hate...but I know hating just keeps you stuck.
He has done this silence/withdraw things many times before. Summer, winter, you name it. It's almost embarrassing to admit how many times I've been crushed by this man. The last few times he did come back pretty quickly, and I refrained from any contact, so was happy with myself that I stayed strong.
This time, however, is tearing me up pretty badly. I just got a new job...one I had wanted for many years. I was so happy before this all happened. Was thinking how great my life was, how grateful I felt. Then This. Now I'm trying to hold it altogether so I can be good at work...difficult with lack of sleep.
Anvil...he will most def be at that church. He's one of it's members, don'tcha know...front row with the rest of them. I've decided that I'm not going to subject myself to the huge possibility he would ignore me. If he hasn't contacted me by then that is what would happen. To go to the church and see him there all happy with his 'friends', acting like he didn't know me, would cut me to the bone. I will stay away so as not to hurt myself further.
He is an @ss...and worse. Lotsa gifts for the man he never was.
And you're absolutely right, xmas will be ruined ONLY if I let it. His will be fine, though, I'm sure. I sincerely hope it SUCKS.
Jessica...yes, thanks for that. It's just another day. I have adult children I love dearly. I have to focus on them. I don't get to see them all that often, and don't want to ruin their xmas. They don't know about this man, so I have to really keep a good game face on. Difficult.
Dandi...wish I knew what the 'next right thing was'...haven't made too many wise choices lately so hard to trust myself at this moment. Only thing I know, it's not HIM.
Atalose...I always do that. Probably b/c he puts it on me no matter what. Yes, I know this is on him, and I have analyzed it to death as to what he said/I said blah blah blah; where I could have gone and done it differently. Truth is he was up for a fight, wanted to hurt me (touche), and did his usual dance. I really shouldn't be surprised by this.
Lastly, I'll just say, believe it or not RA and I have been together for four years...it's not something short term. By now we should have worked through all of the rough spots. There's something seriously wrong here, and I know it.
I appreciate all of YOU. This board is the best.
He has done this silence/withdraw things many times before. Summer, winter, you name it. It's almost embarrassing to admit how many times I've been crushed by this man. The last few times he did come back pretty quickly, and I refrained from any contact, so was happy with myself that I stayed strong.
This time, however, is tearing me up pretty badly. I just got a new job...one I had wanted for many years. I was so happy before this all happened. Was thinking how great my life was, how grateful I felt. Then This. Now I'm trying to hold it altogether so I can be good at work...difficult with lack of sleep.
Anvil...he will most def be at that church. He's one of it's members, don'tcha know...front row with the rest of them. I've decided that I'm not going to subject myself to the huge possibility he would ignore me. If he hasn't contacted me by then that is what would happen. To go to the church and see him there all happy with his 'friends', acting like he didn't know me, would cut me to the bone. I will stay away so as not to hurt myself further.
He is an @ss...and worse. Lotsa gifts for the man he never was.
And you're absolutely right, xmas will be ruined ONLY if I let it. His will be fine, though, I'm sure. I sincerely hope it SUCKS.Jessica...yes, thanks for that. It's just another day. I have adult children I love dearly. I have to focus on them. I don't get to see them all that often, and don't want to ruin their xmas. They don't know about this man, so I have to really keep a good game face on. Difficult.
Dandi...wish I knew what the 'next right thing was'...haven't made too many wise choices lately so hard to trust myself at this moment. Only thing I know, it's not HIM.
Atalose...I always do that. Probably b/c he puts it on me no matter what. Yes, I know this is on him, and I have analyzed it to death as to what he said/I said blah blah blah; where I could have gone and done it differently. Truth is he was up for a fight, wanted to hurt me (touche), and did his usual dance. I really shouldn't be surprised by this.
Lastly, I'll just say, believe it or not RA and I have been together for four years...it's not something short term. By now we should have worked through all of the rough spots. There's something seriously wrong here, and I know it.
I appreciate all of YOU. This board is the best.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
wynter I am so sorry he's hurt you. I just couldn't imagine the pain after everything and he just ups and leaves. I know I would be devastated. I feel for you.
At this point, since this is a recurring theme for him, I want to say he's doing you a favor even though he is a gutless, man with no balls to look you in the face and say it's over. Take this time to take care of yourself. Spend time with your children and reassess the situation after Christmas or the New Year. And take his gifts back! That man doesn't deserve any one of them that you chose for him with all the love in your heart! How despicable! [rant] wow I'm mad for you!!! [/rant]
At this point, since this is a recurring theme for him, I want to say he's doing you a favor even though he is a gutless, man with no balls to look you in the face and say it's over. Take this time to take care of yourself. Spend time with your children and reassess the situation after Christmas or the New Year. And take his gifts back! That man doesn't deserve any one of them that you chose for him with all the love in your heart! How despicable! [rant] wow I'm mad for you!!! [/rant]
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
