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Hypothetically, if reconciliation occurs how do you repair the damage done?

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Hypothetically, if reconciliation occurs how do you repair the damage done?

Old 12-23-2013, 02:06 PM
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Originally Posted by marie1960 View Post
I needed a firm foundation.
Firm Foundation.

THAT is the word.

OUTSTANDING, Marie.

Stung -- you need a Very Firm Foundation. You can go, do, attack, whatever later.

But NOW, get the firm foundation.

That is The Program, Alanon, Get Prayed Up.

After that, it all gets a LOT easier.

Preacher was showing THIS picture below in Church on Sunday.

THIS Foundation withstood the Hurricane.

Get YOUR Firm Foundation First.





You have to see this picture. It's so messed up that it looks fake . . . but it's not. It's a neighborhood in Galveston, Texas, where Hurricane Ike hit hardest last week. It shows a lone house with nothing around it but utter devastation.

--The house belongs to Pam and Warren Adams, who built it in February 2006 after their first home was destroyed by Hurricane Rita. They asked the contractor to build a house that could withstand a Category 5 hurricane. Looks like they got their money's worth.



CD 105.9 MORNING SHOW: September 2008
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Old 12-23-2013, 02:13 PM
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I just sent this to my husband. I feel like I just told a bully that they cannot have my lunch money. And of course, I sent this via text because I know he'll freak out on me otherwise. I don't know where my lady balls went but I need them back.

I'm going to ask you for something and I need you to do two things for me in conjunction with my request: 1. Listen to me. 2. Respect me.
I need space and time away from you. I have a lot of pain and hurt feelings from the events over the last year. I need space away from you to heal, form new habits and relearn who I am and how I've gotten to this place in my life and ultimately, where I want to go from here.
I am not your mother, your parole officer or (as pegged by you) the prison warden. You need to follow whatever program, therapy, counseling that you deem is the best fit for yourself and I need to do the same for myself. What we share in common at this point is our daughters. THEY are my top priority at this moment in time and if I am healthy and happy then they can be healthy and happy, likewise with you.
Please stop with the text messages repeating the same message and please stop with your phone calls about your progress. You have a support system backing you that you can share your progress with. At this point in time, I am NOT your support system.
You agreed that you would not see our children until you have been sober for 30 days and I hope you're a man of your word not for me but because its healthy for YOU and, most importantly, our daughters. I will not and cannot hold you accountable. I tried to do that in the past and that was a mistake on my part. You have a group of like minded men who will keep you honest and hold you accountable. They know your struggles, they know your journey you have ahead of you and they can relate. I cannot. My empathy and sympathy for you has faded at this point. You don't yet understand the heartache and grief that you have caused me, Maddie and Ellie. Until you do, your sorrys mean nothing. I am not in love with you, and I think you're probably not in love with me either. I think you're just scared of losing what we had...it's already gone. I will always love you but right now, I don't want you as a part of my day to day life. It's not healthy for either of us. I hope you understand and please, DO NOT ask me any stupid questions about divorce and start freaking out. I'm not saying this is FOREVER so please don't jump to extreme conclusions. You're a man. A grown ass, 32 year old man. Your WIFE is communicating with you and pleading that you listen. Please listen to what I'm saying. Please feel free to communicate with me in regards to our children, as long as you're sober, I don't want to shield them from you. But if you relapse, it is my DUTY as their mother to protect them. I hope you understand and respect my feelings.
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Old 12-23-2013, 02:30 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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And I got this back, this is good. I feel good about this.

I understand the courage that took. I am grateful for the communication. I will continue my program and I will stay away for 30 days, sober. I can't control anything other than my attitude and behavior. I'm positive and I'm grateful for your communication.
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Old 12-23-2013, 02:37 PM
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Originally Posted by Stung View Post
I don't know where my lady balls went but I need them back.
Sounds like "Everything [including your lady balls (egad) ] is right where it should be right now."

Not so bad, huh?
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Old 12-23-2013, 02:46 PM
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stung,,
maybe it might be easier for you to leave and walk away from all those people who causes drama. but i had to go to counciling to help me learn how to control and deal with some of the past feelings and emotions. that might be very helpful for you.
it sounds like you are in a terrible relationship, i hope you make a decision that will be the best for you
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Old 12-23-2013, 02:52 PM
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Not so bad. Now, I feel like I can wait. I said my two cents. My conscious is clear and I feel like I directly and concisely let him know where I stand.

Ahhhhh...
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Old 12-23-2013, 02:55 PM
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i think sometimes being direct and honest is difficult but the best way
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Old 12-23-2013, 02:56 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Stung View Post
And I got this back, this is good. I feel good about this.

I understand the courage that took. I am grateful for the communication. I will continue my program and I will stay away for 30 days, sober. I can't control anything other than my attitude and behavior. I'm positive and I'm grateful for your communication.
His words need to match his actions. Now wait and see how he does in the next few weeks, months and possibly years. When someone with alcoholism is just mumbling the words we want to hear and drinking everyday, we know that the denial is still there and the alcoholism is progressing. But when we hear the words and see the changes that go along with those words... WoW

It's a good feeling. I don't know where you 2 are going to end up but I have high hopes that he can be a good father to those little girls.
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Old 12-23-2013, 02:56 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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stung have you thought of trying to go to the chat room, great people who you can talk too
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Old 12-23-2013, 03:00 PM
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BoxinRotz, I totally agree. But hopefully I won't hear anymore of his words for awhile. I think that's what I need. Yesterday he was telling me that he's been crying in his AA group all week long, and I don't know what to say to him, but my knee jerk reaction is to be sympathetic to him but that's not fair to me.
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Old 12-23-2013, 04:26 PM
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BoxinRotz, I missed your first post earlier. I very much relate to your situation. BUT, I'm a little younger than you. And I do want to go to concerts, I want to go out to dinner, I like dancing and having fun. I like doing those things with my sober husband. I'm really sad that I may never be able to do those things with him again.

Additionally, what I wrestle with is two fold.

1. I feel like if I don't stand my ground now, that I'm sending a message that what he did was okay or forgiven. It is not. I, personally, need amends to be made and he's not at a point where he can do that yet. Also, I think you and Poh have a quality that I admire very much, you can let things roll off your back. I can't. That's just not in my nature, whether that's right or wrong, I don't know. I'm just not one of those people.

2. How ever your hubby cut his alcoholic/toxic family out of his life, I'm sure it was his decision. I need my husband to make that decision on his own and he may want to keep them in his life even if I don't want them in mine. I don't want to ask him to cut people out of his life for me. That's not healthy and its not fair and on the flip side, I don't want to have people in my life who I feel have proven that they don't care about me or my children. Which was initially what my whole post was about. I try very hard to not nag my husband, and I don't want to control him, however I do like to control my own surroundings and the people I do allow in my life.

But that's a moot point for now. I'm happy with where things are at this moment in time.
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Old 12-23-2013, 04:59 PM
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Well, I'll be 36 in a week. I have things I like to do other than going out and being a social butterfly. That was never my cup of tea if you know what I mean. He's 55 and just turned into a dud. What more can I ask for?! lol

You want to know what's funny about the future and predicting whether or not you can do things? YOU NEVER REALLY KNOW! Live for today. One day at a time. Especially when you're living with an A. Tomorrow may come but it's never promised.
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Old 12-23-2013, 07:08 PM
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Ooops, I though you said you were married for 20 years in your first post. Yeah, you're not much older than me.
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Old 12-23-2013, 07:31 PM
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My husband was sober for 20 years and we share a 20 year age difference. That's about all the 20's I have left.
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Old 12-24-2013, 06:52 AM
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Boxin, you are a truly an inspiration! I used to wonder why my mom hung in there as well. She honored her vows and just like you, its a choice that she made long ago. You are 100% correct when you say "Individual mileage may vary"
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Old 12-24-2013, 08:25 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Stung View Post
BoxinRotz, I missed your first post earlier. I very much relate to your situation. BUT, I'm a little younger than you. And I do want to go to concerts, I want to go out to dinner, I like dancing and having fun. I like doing those things with my sober husband. I'm really sad that I may never be able to do those things with him again.

Additionally, what I wrestle with is two fold.

1. I feel like if I don't stand my ground now, that I'm sending a message that what he did was okay or forgiven. It is not. I, personally, need amends to be made and he's not at a point where he can do that yet. Also, I think you and Poh have a quality that I admire very much, you can let things roll off your back. I can't. That's just not in my nature, whether that's right or wrong, I don't know. I'm just not one of those people.

2. How ever your hubby cut his alcoholic/toxic family out of his life, I'm sure it was his decision. I need my husband to make that decision on his own and he may want to keep them in his life even if I don't want them in mine. I don't want to ask him to cut people out of his life for me. That's not healthy and its not fair and on the flip side, I don't want to have people in my life who I feel have proven that they don't care about me or my children. Which was initially what my whole post was about. I try very hard to not nag my husband, and I don't want to control him, however I do like to control my own surroundings and the people I do allow in my life.

But that's a moot point for now. I'm happy with where things are at this moment in time.
Well, I am older than both of you - lol. But that doesn't mean that I want to sit on the couch and age into it. I have a lot of life left to live and if rH can't or wont live, I cannot make him, but I can choose not to live his life.

For years, I wouldn't do things because he would drink. He hid it so well, I was always off balance. We would go somewhere, have a nice time and on the drive home I would realize that he was completely blasted off his @ss, so I just quit going anywhere with him.

Now, at 10 months sober, he does nothing. Has no desire to do anything. Content to sit and eat 1/2 gallon of ice cream every night. We don't talk (on the good side, we don't fight either), but I am not going to "grow old gracefully" I have too much life left to live. I am not talking about clubbing or extremes, but just doing normal life stuff, out to dinner, a nice vacation, an afternoon drive or working on the house.

It has always been extremes with him. For 18 years he couldn't do anything without drinking, now he won't do anything because he is not. I think maybe (subconsciously) he is "punishing" me. I don't know, nor do I care anymore.

THIS IS NOT LIVING.
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Old 12-24-2013, 08:30 AM
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I want to go on a hunt to Iowa, Illinois, Kansas, Montana, omg that's my kind of fun!
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Old 12-24-2013, 08:50 AM
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I want to see places. Grand Canyon, historical places in the south. I have never been to New Orleans or Vegas. I haven't been to Yellowstone since I was a child.

Box, you should look into elk hunting in Idaho.

Hammer, that picture brings back horrible memories. 14 days without electricity or water and dealing with drunks and an enabling MIL all living in my house.
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Old 12-24-2013, 09:06 AM
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I would if I ever hit the lottery Lyssy! Those guided hunts are a small fortune!
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Old 12-24-2013, 10:53 AM
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Originally Posted by Lyssy View Post
I want to see places. Grand Canyon, historical places in the south. I have never been to New Orleans or Vegas.
Exactly! I LOVE to travel and I plan on taking my kids to as many places as I can while they're young. Every year I budget for our family to take 2 vacations, once in summer and once during the week between x-mas and New Years (which obviously isn't happening this year. Last year we went to Maui and Vancouver/Whistler. This year we went to Lanai (was supposed to be Spain but AH had too much anxiety about flying with a pregnant lady [me] and our toddler. Killjoy.) and that's it.

I know traveling can be just as fun WITHOUT any drinking involved, but even when we went to Maui last year we hired a nanny and spent an afternoon at the swim up bar at our hotel. It wasn't anything crazy, but it was nice to relax with my husband, child free for a few hours. I guess I'm hoping that if things work out, that these situations aren't going to be overly tempting for him or awkward for me. I don't know how this stuff works.

P.S. I ended up buying my AH a few Christmas presents and gave them to him last night when he dropped off gifts for the girls. The irony...he bought me a book...about traveling. It's hard to tell if I'm stupid and he's still being manipulative or if I'm lucky and he really is trying to make things better.
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