Those Who Have Left Alcoholic Partners - Tell Us How Great It Is!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 756
My life is CALM. I don't worry about money anymore, I am in complete control of myself, no having to make sure I'm back from grocery shopping in the allotted amount of time. I can go to sleep without worry of being woken up at 2am to blaring music played on repeat. the house is quiet, I don' t have 6 fishtanks making constant noise.
Needless to say, I am much happier.
Needless to say, I am much happier.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Can I include escaping an A parent as well? No, children do not have a choice, but as adults we often end up sucked into the dysfunction and are right there taking the beatings, too. The day I left home was so freeing. I did battle guilt and feeling like I had to still jump through hoops, but that slowly faded away and I was finally able to find myself and stop the chaos. Life has never been better. I (mostly) sleep at night, and I'm not constantly wondering why I'm such a horrible person, or why I caused such-and-such to happen. It took 30 years, but I finally feel like I am worth something and I still have a whole lot of life ahead of me.
I also left an emotionally-turned-physically abusive relationship after five years, long before I left the hell of my FOO. Getting out of that was a new lease on life, and then I went and fell even further into the pit of alcoholism at home.
I also left an emotionally-turned-physically abusive relationship after five years, long before I left the hell of my FOO. Getting out of that was a new lease on life, and then I went and fell even further into the pit of alcoholism at home.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 50
I am sitting in front of the fire surrounded by my two cats. Last week I closed on my very own house and will be moved in before the end of the year. Today I went to my church and listened to an organ recital of Christmas carols. After taking a load of boxes to my new house this afternoon the early setting sun painted the sky the most glorious shades of pink and blue. I am alone much of the time but never lonely. I was often lonelier in my marriage. Life is peaceful and I am healing. I am blessed that I did not have the financial issues that many leaving spouses have. Tomorrow I will drive for 7 hours to a family members house for Christmas with the family. I get up when I want, go to bed when I want, eat what and when I want. I hike, I do yoga, I go to concerts, movies, play bridge, read, and travel( I am retired). I may or may not start dating again but at age 60 with 2 marriages behind me it is OK if I don't find another life partner. I am comfortable with myself and returning to who I really am deep down rather than one half of a very dysfunctional relationship. I have only recently started to feel joy again. I left my AH over 2 years ago basically fleeing in the dark with visiting family members after an incident that could have ended in loss of life. I'm not sure that without that crisis I would have had the strength to make a conscious decision to leave and am in awe of those that do. In my case it was a true wake up call and a safety issue.
Were the last 2 years easy? Hell no. I moved into 3 different rentals. I have had possessions in storage units for last year and a half. I have felt like a refugee. I went through the legal issues many do including AH trying to get alimony and very bitter responses from him once he realized that in fact I was gone. Before the divorce was final he suffered a bad fall and died a little over a year ago...........before the divorce was final............in the end it was complications of the alcoholism. I then had to grieve all over again as it hurt as much as it would for anyone who loses a spouse. I also grieved the loss of all the dreams of what was supposed to be. I was left with a legal nightmare of settling with his heirs, selling our house and a host of other complex issues which just within the last couple of weeks are finally nearly settled.
I did counseling and some al-anon but SR was my lifeline. I have no other alcoholics in the family and now with more than a year since AH died I still come to SR to continue my healing.
I am at peace and enjoying the Christmas season for the first time in several years. My rental unit is calm and is my haven. My new home is up in the mountains and will also be a refuge. It seemed like I would never get here. It does get better but the only way to get here is through the darkness and uncertainty. There were many days of crying and those still occasionally pop up but very infrequent. I turned everything over to God and he never failed to provide what I needed just when I needed it............supportive friends, places to live. It does get better. Wishing you peace and the strength to do what is right for you.
Were the last 2 years easy? Hell no. I moved into 3 different rentals. I have had possessions in storage units for last year and a half. I have felt like a refugee. I went through the legal issues many do including AH trying to get alimony and very bitter responses from him once he realized that in fact I was gone. Before the divorce was final he suffered a bad fall and died a little over a year ago...........before the divorce was final............in the end it was complications of the alcoholism. I then had to grieve all over again as it hurt as much as it would for anyone who loses a spouse. I also grieved the loss of all the dreams of what was supposed to be. I was left with a legal nightmare of settling with his heirs, selling our house and a host of other complex issues which just within the last couple of weeks are finally nearly settled.
I did counseling and some al-anon but SR was my lifeline. I have no other alcoholics in the family and now with more than a year since AH died I still come to SR to continue my healing.
I am at peace and enjoying the Christmas season for the first time in several years. My rental unit is calm and is my haven. My new home is up in the mountains and will also be a refuge. It seemed like I would never get here. It does get better but the only way to get here is through the darkness and uncertainty. There were many days of crying and those still occasionally pop up but very infrequent. I turned everything over to God and he never failed to provide what I needed just when I needed it............supportive friends, places to live. It does get better. Wishing you peace and the strength to do what is right for you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
If the poster only wants to hear about the good parts of leaving an alcoholic, well, personally, I think that is asking to be allowed to dream about the best possible scenario, and I don't know that we do that so well here.
As others have said, experiences vary and each situation and each day can be different.
I was ecstatic to get Xah out of the house because before that I thought he was literally about to kill me with our youngest two children as onlookers. Then I thought I would have a decent separation with enough money to live and that I would find a job and life would be peachy keen.
Would I have gotten him out even knowing the constant h**l he would put me and the children through afterwards? Yes!!! Better intermittent torment than living with someone who might kill me!!!
It was way harder than anyone warned me it might be. It would possibly have been better and more responsible of all the people who said, 'well divorce him then' to have given an indication of the further dangers and abuse that lay ahead.
Leaving an abusive alcoholic might be pretty straightforward or it could be dangerous. It could very well be dangerous. I feel like I am still fighting daily for my and the children's survival.
You want the truth so you can leave prepared? Or do you want to avoid knowing the possible difficulties ahead so you can get the courage to leave, come what may?
Do what you need to know, but don't lie to yourself.
As others have said, experiences vary and each situation and each day can be different.
I was ecstatic to get Xah out of the house because before that I thought he was literally about to kill me with our youngest two children as onlookers. Then I thought I would have a decent separation with enough money to live and that I would find a job and life would be peachy keen.
Would I have gotten him out even knowing the constant h**l he would put me and the children through afterwards? Yes!!! Better intermittent torment than living with someone who might kill me!!!
It was way harder than anyone warned me it might be. It would possibly have been better and more responsible of all the people who said, 'well divorce him then' to have given an indication of the further dangers and abuse that lay ahead.
Leaving an abusive alcoholic might be pretty straightforward or it could be dangerous. It could very well be dangerous. I feel like I am still fighting daily for my and the children's survival.
You want the truth so you can leave prepared? Or do you want to avoid knowing the possible difficulties ahead so you can get the courage to leave, come what may?
Do what you need to know, but don't lie to yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Northeastern US
Posts: 122
I feel lighter. I can do what *I* want. Me.
I don't feel as though I'm living with a joy sucking vacuum.
I still interact with him regularly, he's the father of my child. But whenever i need to, I can say, No, you've been drinking. I don't want you in my home like that. No, thanks, it seems that you've been drinking, we'll take the bus, thank you anyway!
He says I'm a fascist and a judge. Well I guess I'm a very happy gavel wielding fascist!
I feel as though not being in the relationship gives me the ability to be more direct about the drinking and safety issues (particularly regarding our child). Like, if he flys of the handle, and sometimes he does, I'm not dealing with it all night or week in my space.
I can buy stuff now. know this is silly but before, if I needed or wanted stuff, I would put it off. Because I didn't know when the next crisis would be and there was always a crisis building. But now...remarkably crisis free. IT'S SO GREAT!!! If I need stuff...I know how much money is in the bank.
Also, if I want to eat cereal or cheese and crackers for dinner, I can. No one gets offended and my kid LOVES cereal for dinner.
I really love being single. I know it's only been a little while. And I miss some relationship stuff (having another adult to talk to, for instance, hugs, companionship) but honestly, I'm realizing I've never had a healthy relationship ever. They've all been effed up. So, this is nice. I'm just figuring out who I am and how to be a healthy me. And it's awesome.
I don't feel as though I'm living with a joy sucking vacuum.
I still interact with him regularly, he's the father of my child. But whenever i need to, I can say, No, you've been drinking. I don't want you in my home like that. No, thanks, it seems that you've been drinking, we'll take the bus, thank you anyway!
He says I'm a fascist and a judge. Well I guess I'm a very happy gavel wielding fascist!
I feel as though not being in the relationship gives me the ability to be more direct about the drinking and safety issues (particularly regarding our child). Like, if he flys of the handle, and sometimes he does, I'm not dealing with it all night or week in my space.
I can buy stuff now. know this is silly but before, if I needed or wanted stuff, I would put it off. Because I didn't know when the next crisis would be and there was always a crisis building. But now...remarkably crisis free. IT'S SO GREAT!!! If I need stuff...I know how much money is in the bank.
Also, if I want to eat cereal or cheese and crackers for dinner, I can. No one gets offended and my kid LOVES cereal for dinner.
I really love being single. I know it's only been a little while. And I miss some relationship stuff (having another adult to talk to, for instance, hugs, companionship) but honestly, I'm realizing I've never had a healthy relationship ever. They've all been effed up. So, this is nice. I'm just figuring out who I am and how to be a healthy me. And it's awesome.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Originally Posted by PohsFriend 
Sorry I offended you (again) as that was not my intention.
I certainly hope and pray that you find the strength you need and the happiness you seek. There are some wonderful ladies here like ShootingStar who expressed it much more eloquently.
So sincerely, I regret upsetting you and I am sorry I did. I am sure you are having a very tough time getting ready to do a very hard thing and I didn't mean to suggest your life won't be better and I surely hope that it will because everyone deserves to be happy and nobody should ever lose hope.
I only meant to say that if you leave you may find that you are scared, you may mourn the loss of what once was or might have been or never was but you wished it would have been. I hope day one is instant joy, relief, fun... but if it is not then don't be disappointed. It took a long time for the dreams and hopes you had to get to this point and when we've been hurt and beat down it can take time to make it all the way back but if you are a little closer to being happy and whole again today than you were yesterday it was a great day.
I wish you the best and very sincerely I'd like you to know that our misunderstanding about how we make and own our choice every day was not an indictment on those who stay in a bad situation. I truly meant the opposite - don't let it make you feel powerless because that takes away your hope and without hope? Well, we're kinda screwed without hope.
Today you chose to move closer to that big step, at some point before today you chose to start on that path. YOU chose to and that means YOU have it in you to be happy and have a quiet, content and serene life with that little doggie on your feet with nobody yelling at you or putting you down. If you don't take that big step tomorrow it's OK. You chose to handle things in a certain way and when ready you will chose to make that next step.
When you do, I hope it is great. If it isn't great but it is better then that's OK too, as long as you are pointed toward happy and determined not to let anyone divert you from it then you will be ok.
Sorry We hit each other's exposed nerves earlier but written words don't convey feelings well and I truly wish you luck and strength on the road ahead and believe you can do it, we all can, what we can't do is accept that things will never be any better than they are today or that we don't deserve to be happy. We do.
Apologies for commenting after you told me not to but hopefully you'll accept the peace offering in the spirit intended.
Good luck
I certainly hope and pray that you find the strength you need and the happiness you seek. There are some wonderful ladies here like ShootingStar who expressed it much more eloquently.
So sincerely, I regret upsetting you and I am sorry I did. I am sure you are having a very tough time getting ready to do a very hard thing and I didn't mean to suggest your life won't be better and I surely hope that it will because everyone deserves to be happy and nobody should ever lose hope.
I only meant to say that if you leave you may find that you are scared, you may mourn the loss of what once was or might have been or never was but you wished it would have been. I hope day one is instant joy, relief, fun... but if it is not then don't be disappointed. It took a long time for the dreams and hopes you had to get to this point and when we've been hurt and beat down it can take time to make it all the way back but if you are a little closer to being happy and whole again today than you were yesterday it was a great day.
I wish you the best and very sincerely I'd like you to know that our misunderstanding about how we make and own our choice every day was not an indictment on those who stay in a bad situation. I truly meant the opposite - don't let it make you feel powerless because that takes away your hope and without hope? Well, we're kinda screwed without hope.
Today you chose to move closer to that big step, at some point before today you chose to start on that path. YOU chose to and that means YOU have it in you to be happy and have a quiet, content and serene life with that little doggie on your feet with nobody yelling at you or putting you down. If you don't take that big step tomorrow it's OK. You chose to handle things in a certain way and when ready you will chose to make that next step.
When you do, I hope it is great. If it isn't great but it is better then that's OK too, as long as you are pointed toward happy and determined not to let anyone divert you from it then you will be ok.
Sorry We hit each other's exposed nerves earlier but written words don't convey feelings well and I truly wish you luck and strength on the road ahead and believe you can do it, we all can, what we can't do is accept that things will never be any better than they are today or that we don't deserve to be happy. We do.
Apologies for commenting after you told me not to but hopefully you'll accept the peace offering in the spirit intended.
Good luck
The holiday is upon us. So, another day.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
OnawaMiniya, just wanted to thank you for your post. I thought of a song since you are a fellow music lover. It was sad to listen to it sometimes after I moved but had a bittersweet feeling as well. Just thought you might enjoy it. I just listened to the Alice cooper song you posted on the music thread. I hadn't listened to that in years. Thank you and wishing you peace in whatever road you choose. I know it's never easy to make that choice. The song I was talking about is "Wild World" by Cat Stevens. Sorry I can't post the link from my phone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Originally Posted by PippiLngstockng
If the poster only wants to hear about the good parts of leaving an alcoholic, well, personally, I think that is asking to be allowed to dream about the best possible scenario, and I don't know that we do that so well here.
As others have said, experiences vary and each situation and each day can be different.
I was ecstatic to get Xah out of the house because before that I thought he was literally about to kill me with our youngest two children as onlookers. Then I thought I would have a decent separation with enough money to live and that I would find a job and life would be peachy keen.
Would I have gotten him out even knowing the constant h**l he would put me and the children through afterwards? Yes!!! Better intermittent torment than living with someone who might kill me!!!
It was way harder than anyone warned me it might be. It would possibly have been better and more responsible of all the people who said, 'well divorce him then' to have given an indication of the further dangers and abuse that lay ahead.
Leaving an abusive alcoholic might be pretty straightforward or it could be dangerous. It could very well be dangerous. I feel like I am still fighting daily for my and the children's survival.
You want the truth so you can leave prepared? Or do you want to avoid knowing the possible difficulties ahead so you can get the courage to leave, come what may?
Do what you need to know, but don't lie to yourself.
As others have said, experiences vary and each situation and each day can be different.
I was ecstatic to get Xah out of the house because before that I thought he was literally about to kill me with our youngest two children as onlookers. Then I thought I would have a decent separation with enough money to live and that I would find a job and life would be peachy keen.
Would I have gotten him out even knowing the constant h**l he would put me and the children through afterwards? Yes!!! Better intermittent torment than living with someone who might kill me!!!
It was way harder than anyone warned me it might be. It would possibly have been better and more responsible of all the people who said, 'well divorce him then' to have given an indication of the further dangers and abuse that lay ahead.
Leaving an abusive alcoholic might be pretty straightforward or it could be dangerous. It could very well be dangerous. I feel like I am still fighting daily for my and the children's survival.
You want the truth so you can leave prepared? Or do you want to avoid knowing the possible difficulties ahead so you can get the courage to leave, come what may?
Do what you need to know, but don't lie to yourself.
I'm going to be quite prepared, thanks.I've only been in this nightmare a year, and if not for my health, would have been out almost immediately. I'm no dreamer.
You are misunderstanding what went down.
I pointed out in my original post that I understand that life is life and will not be perfect.
As far as not wanting to hear any of the difficult side of leaving, you can look on this board on any given day read all about that.
I'm quite aware that I will face much difficulty upon leaving.
I'll address the misunderstanding another day. Holidays are here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
PeacefulMe, wow. I'm so sorry to hear at this: "I left my AH over 2 years ago basically fleeing in the dark with visiting family members after an incident that could have ended in loss of life." How frightening...I'm glad you made it out alright and had family there with you to help. Also sorry to hear about his passing, I'm sure it stirred up all kinds of feelings for you. Thanks for sharing your story.
Peace.
Peace.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Originally Posted by suncatcher
Sorry for the duplicate message I'm not sure how to delete one of themLol I've found that before. A moderator would have to delete it but it's no big deal.
My choice is made, it's just a matter of getting prepared. It's very difficult for me due to some health issues that impact me greatly. Certainly not impossible, but is making it very hard. I chose to marry this man. And I'm choosing to leave him as soon as I can.
I learned of that AC song because I heard Tori Amos's cover of it. Hasn't actually heard AC's original until I learned it was a cover.
I'll have to give the song you mentioned a listen!
Peace.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Originally Posted by NWGRITS
Can I include escaping an A parent as well? No, children do not have a choice, but as adults we often end up sucked into the dysfunction and are right there taking the beatings, too. The day I left home was so freeing. I did battle guilt and feeling like I had to still jump through hoops, but that slowly faded away and I was finally able to find myself and stop the chaos. Life has never been better. I (mostly) sleep at night, and I'm not constantly wondering why I'm such a horrible person, or why I caused such-and-such to happen. It took 30 years, but I finally feel like I am worth something and I still have a whole lot of life ahead of me.
I also left an emotionally-turned-physically abusive relationship after five years, long before I left the hell of my FOO. Getting out of that was a new lease on life, and then I went and fell even further into the pit of alcoholism at home.
I also left an emotionally-turned-physically abusive relationship after five years, long before I left the hell of my FOO. Getting out of that was a new lease on life, and then I went and fell even further into the pit of alcoholism at home.
What do you mean regarding the last sentence? If you care to/want to elaborate.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
I didn't have any intention but to help you with my comments.
You want inspiration? The joy of saving your life! Then of finding that you are a whole lot stronger than you think!
Whether leaving an A goes smoothly or brings on more trouble than you've had before, you get to reclaim you. And God will be there beside you, whether you know it or not. I was never that aware of God's presence until I escaped living with my A. And then once he was out, there was me and there was God.
You want inspiration? The joy of saving your life! Then of finding that you are a whole lot stronger than you think!
Whether leaving an A goes smoothly or brings on more trouble than you've had before, you get to reclaim you. And God will be there beside you, whether you know it or not. I was never that aware of God's presence until I escaped living with my A. And then once he was out, there was me and there was God.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Onawa,
What is life like now without my XA? I am happier than I have ever been and changed my entire life once he was gone for good.
After 4 years of devoting all of time, energy and emotional health to "saving him" with zero success (relapse vacations were his specialty) I started to learn how to save myself.
The A careened around the country drunk getting into jail, car accidents, homelessness and worse for two long years. No one rescued him despite real fears that he would kill himself by either wandering across the strip in Vegas drunk or alcohol poisoning.
Instead... wonder of wonders. He finally had enough of his disgusting lifestyle and quit. Just like that. Poof. He decided and he did it. It now meant something to him and it wasn't tears, threats, judges gavels, jails. Dr. diagnosis's of certain death. He just wanted to break up with alcohol and Las Vegas finally lost its luster and twinkle.
I didn't have a thing to do with it. Never did. What a revelation.
So...now we talk. About recovery. He still wants me back. It's not an option. He's an alcoholic and for me... that isn't relationship material.
However, he is/was the love of my life... really. God created him to be charming, kind, loving, thoughtful, generous and gave him a gorgeous smile and body too. Alcoholism changed him into a monster... and that monster is only dormant as long as he doesn't pick up.
So.... I have said that I would meet him in Tahiti if he makes it a full year sober for a "date" and then we can go home to our respective homes 2500 miles apart after our "date".
He has never made it more than 8 months in his entire life so the odds aren't good and if he drinks again I will be sad.... but I will be safe and I will be happy for my life of peace, joy and serenity.
So my word to you ladies out there contemplating leaving your A... their HP can use your departure as a catalyst to something good but it may not happen immediately. It could take years before they actually wise up and grow up and get into authentic recovery. Or they may just drink themselves to death torturing everyone around them...
BUT... that their choice. And learning that freed me from the guilt, the worry, the anxiety, the fear and gave me hope... there is always hope they will find their way out alcoholism and I personally feel the odds are better if they have to find it ALONE.
Just my opinion and everyone's situation is different. WE are not cookie cutter situations and this is just what happened in my life with my A.
Best wishes to you on your journey my dear... take care of yourself and have courage. It will get better and can be wonderful!
What is life like now without my XA? I am happier than I have ever been and changed my entire life once he was gone for good.
After 4 years of devoting all of time, energy and emotional health to "saving him" with zero success (relapse vacations were his specialty) I started to learn how to save myself.
The A careened around the country drunk getting into jail, car accidents, homelessness and worse for two long years. No one rescued him despite real fears that he would kill himself by either wandering across the strip in Vegas drunk or alcohol poisoning.
Instead... wonder of wonders. He finally had enough of his disgusting lifestyle and quit. Just like that. Poof. He decided and he did it. It now meant something to him and it wasn't tears, threats, judges gavels, jails. Dr. diagnosis's of certain death. He just wanted to break up with alcohol and Las Vegas finally lost its luster and twinkle.
I didn't have a thing to do with it. Never did. What a revelation.
So...now we talk. About recovery. He still wants me back. It's not an option. He's an alcoholic and for me... that isn't relationship material.
However, he is/was the love of my life... really. God created him to be charming, kind, loving, thoughtful, generous and gave him a gorgeous smile and body too. Alcoholism changed him into a monster... and that monster is only dormant as long as he doesn't pick up.
So.... I have said that I would meet him in Tahiti if he makes it a full year sober for a "date" and then we can go home to our respective homes 2500 miles apart after our "date".
He has never made it more than 8 months in his entire life so the odds aren't good and if he drinks again I will be sad.... but I will be safe and I will be happy for my life of peace, joy and serenity.
So my word to you ladies out there contemplating leaving your A... their HP can use your departure as a catalyst to something good but it may not happen immediately. It could take years before they actually wise up and grow up and get into authentic recovery. Or they may just drink themselves to death torturing everyone around them...
BUT... that their choice. And learning that freed me from the guilt, the worry, the anxiety, the fear and gave me hope... there is always hope they will find their way out alcoholism and I personally feel the odds are better if they have to find it ALONE.
Just my opinion and everyone's situation is different. WE are not cookie cutter situations and this is just what happened in my life with my A.
Best wishes to you on your journey my dear... take care of yourself and have courage. It will get better and can be wonderful!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Originally Posted by lillamy
I am sitting here two days before Christmas tearing up a little because I am so filled with joy and gratitude at the life I have.
When we realize at 10pm that we're out of milk, I have a husband who can run to the store because he's sober.
When I am sad and crying, I have a husband who holds me and lets me cry -- not one who tells me I have nothing to cry over compared to him because his life is so much worse and I should just STFU.
When I'm getting dressed for work and putting makeup on, my husband tells me I look wonderful -- I don't have a husband who throws a fit and asks me who I'm planning on f***ing since I'm getting so damn dolled up.
That's my life with a functioning marriage. A sane marriage. And for that, I'm grateful.
But I know that one of my fears before leaving was whether I would be alone for the rest of my life. (that was before being alone sounded one helluvalot better than remaining married to an alcoholic -- I hit that point and didn't care...)
So my single years? I've told y'all before how I was actively enjoying cleaning my house, stacking the dishwasher, doing laundry after I left AXH. I had no help with any housework -- but I never did. And not expecting anyone to help me, and not feeling like I was anybody's maid but doing all these things for me and the kids... that was a good feeling.
Single and remarried, I had and have the life I dreamed about when I was married to an A. Is it bump-free? Oh hell no. Kids are still struggling and in therapy and medicated. I'm still dealing with my PTSD. We still are short on cash and get head colds and such.
But we LIVE. We're LIVING, not just SURVIVING. We're ENJOYING things. Laughing. And not stopping because The Alcoholic comes home and suck all the joy out of the air.
Leaving may not be right for everyone.
It was for me.
I have never, not even for a fraction of a second, regretted leaving. Not one. Ever.
When we realize at 10pm that we're out of milk, I have a husband who can run to the store because he's sober.
When I am sad and crying, I have a husband who holds me and lets me cry -- not one who tells me I have nothing to cry over compared to him because his life is so much worse and I should just STFU.
When I'm getting dressed for work and putting makeup on, my husband tells me I look wonderful -- I don't have a husband who throws a fit and asks me who I'm planning on f***ing since I'm getting so damn dolled up.
That's my life with a functioning marriage. A sane marriage. And for that, I'm grateful.
But I know that one of my fears before leaving was whether I would be alone for the rest of my life. (that was before being alone sounded one helluvalot better than remaining married to an alcoholic -- I hit that point and didn't care...)
So my single years? I've told y'all before how I was actively enjoying cleaning my house, stacking the dishwasher, doing laundry after I left AXH. I had no help with any housework -- but I never did. And not expecting anyone to help me, and not feeling like I was anybody's maid but doing all these things for me and the kids... that was a good feeling.
Single and remarried, I had and have the life I dreamed about when I was married to an A. Is it bump-free? Oh hell no. Kids are still struggling and in therapy and medicated. I'm still dealing with my PTSD. We still are short on cash and get head colds and such.
But we LIVE. We're LIVING, not just SURVIVING. We're ENJOYING things. Laughing. And not stopping because The Alcoholic comes home and suck all the joy out of the air.
Leaving may not be right for everyone.
It was for me.
I have never, not even for a fraction of a second, regretted leaving. Not one. Ever.
I chuckled thinking how "normal" I was before AH and now if I met someone today they would think i'm "Nuts" lol. "(I ran into a friend the other day and I use to be very affectionate I loved HUGS. My friend gave me one and I was shocked I haven't felt a hug in so long) I have several things to work on myself now but wanted to tell you your post brings a smile to my face and i'm so happy for you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I'm so happy my post could bring some joy. In my language, there's a saying that goes "as long as there is life, there is hope."
I didn't think of meeting someone else when I left. I just wanted the pain gone when I started planning my escape.
Even if I had remained alone, it would have been better. Being alone was still peace, calm, and lack of drama and accusations and abuse.
I feared financial problems - but found that it was actually fun to find ways to make it work, whether that was baking my own crackers or drinking water with meals.
I didn't think of meeting someone else when I left. I just wanted the pain gone when I started planning my escape.
Even if I had remained alone, it would have been better. Being alone was still peace, calm, and lack of drama and accusations and abuse.
I feared financial problems - but found that it was actually fun to find ways to make it work, whether that was baking my own crackers or drinking water with meals.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Originally Posted by OnawaMiniya
What do you mean regarding the last sentence? If you care to/want to elaborate.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Originally Posted by OnawaMiniya
... So, PLEASE, those of you that have had the strength to leave your alcoholic partner, tell me how great it is. Tell me what you love about no longer dealing with that, and living with that, etc. Tell me the wonderful little and big things you now look forward to when you walk through your door into your home. ...
The physical benefits of life without an alcoholic are lovely.
I don't have to keep my blood pressure medications locked up, because there is no addict in my home that will steal them for some uncomprehensible reason. I got a raise I never expected, not from my employer, but because I stopped spending small amounts of money in a hundred different ways on covering up her addiction from the neighbors, from her boss, and on and on. I don't get calls from the post office, the gym, the employer, telling me some horror about what she did. Instead I get calls from friends wanting me to meet them for lunch, asking me to help start a new meeting, a new program.
The emotional benefits are sublime.
I used to find all kinds of reasons not to come home. I had no idea what emergency I would have to deal with, or where I would have to go to find her and bring her home. But I desperately _had_ to get home because there was sure to be some emergency that _had_ to be dealt with. It was a deep sense of helpless-ness. It didn't matter _what_ I did, go home or not go home, either way I would still feel that deep dread that lay on me every moment of my day.
Now I find all kinds of reasons not to come home. There's a new Italian restaurant somebody recommended, there's a friend who is going to be the main speaker over at a meeting, now that it's winter the sun sets right after I get off work and if I go up to the top floor of the parking garage the view is magnificent. If I do go home I will have a few emails from friends, my little old lady neighbor will wave at me and come over to chit chat for a few minutes, I have some good books I am slowly working through. It doesn't matter what I do, go home or not go home, either way I have something fun and interesting in my life every moment of my day.
What caught me by surprise was the difference in my soul.
Life with an addict was a very slow erosion of what I hold most dear. It happened so slowly that I never realized the damage being done. Towards the end of our marriage my wife was having affairs with married men. Three that I know of. I knew all of them. Two of the couples had been good friends for awhile. One of them had been clients of our business. When I first broke through my denial and realized what my wife was doing my first thought was to try and figure out how to get her to stop, how to keep the neighbors from finding out, how to protect our business.
It never ocurred to me that those thoughts were wrong. I never realized that my own sense of morals and values had been eroded by the unrelenting assault of addiction. I had no clue that _I_ had been changed for the worse.
Today I am single ( and loving it ). Once in a while I will meet a lovely lady, ask her out for coffee, later on a dinner, perhaps a movie. Then I find out she's married.
Deal breaker. I am not thinking of getting her to stop. I am not thinking of covering something up, of protecting a budding relationship. It's over. Done. Don't call me and no I won't call you. It's not a line in the sand, it's the Berlin wall.
Today I realize that leaving that marriage that had already died had _nothing_ to do with the physical act of moving, divorcing, healing. That was secondary. Leaving that toxic environment was about stopping the damage that was being done to my soul. My wife had become an addict, and she had become the kind of person I never wanted to be around. The deeper horror was that _I_ was becoming the kind of person I never wanted to be, and I was stone, cold sober.
It was not about leaving her, it was about saving me.
Mike
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Originally Posted by DesertEyes
Goodness, what a lovely request!
The physical benefits of life without an alcoholic are lovely.
I don't have to keep my blood pressure medications locked up, because there is no addict in my home that will steal them for some uncomprehensible reason. I got a raise I never expected, not from my employer, but because I stopped spending small amounts of money in a hundred different ways on covering up her addiction from the neighbors, from her boss, and on and on. I don't get calls from the post office, the gym, the employer, telling me some horror about what she did. Instead I get calls from friends wanting me to meet them for lunch, asking me to help start a new meeting, a new program.
The emotional benefits are sublime.
I used to find all kinds of reasons not to come home. I had no idea what emergency I would have to deal with, or where I would have to go to find her and bring her home. But I desperately _had_ to get home because there was sure to be some emergency that _had_ to be dealt with. It was a deep sense of helpless-ness. It didn't matter _what_ I did, go home or not go home, either way I would still feel that deep dread that lay on me every moment of my day.
Now I find all kinds of reasons not to come home. There's a new Italian restaurant somebody recommended, there's a friend who is going to be the main speaker over at a meeting, now that it's winter the sun sets right after I get off work and if I go up to the top floor of the parking garage the view is magnificent. If I do go home I will have a few emails from friends, my little old lady neighbor will wave at me and come over to chit chat for a few minutes, I have some good books I am slowly working through. It doesn't matter what I do, go home or not go home, either way I have something fun and interesting in my life every moment of my day.
What caught me by surprise was the difference in my soul.
Life with an addict was a very slow erosion of what I hold most dear. It happened so slowly that I never realized the damage being done. Towards the end of our marriage my wife was having affairs with married men. Three that I know of. I knew all of them. Two of the couples had been good friends for awhile. One of them had been clients of our business. When I first broke through my denial and realized what my wife was doing my first thought was to try and figure out how to get her to stop, how to keep the neighbors from finding out, how to protect our business.
It never ocurred to me that those thoughts were wrong. I never realized that my own sense of morals and values had been eroded by the unrelenting assault of addiction. I had no clue that _I_ had been changed for the worse.
Today I am single ( and loving it ). Once in a while I will meet a lovely lady, ask her out for coffee, later on a dinner, perhaps a movie. Then I find out she's married.
Deal breaker. I am not thinking of getting her to stop. I am not thinking of covering something up, of protecting a budding relationship. It's over. Done. Don't call me and no I won't call you. It's not a line in the sand, it's the Berlin wall.
Today I realize that leaving that marriage that had already died had _nothing_ to do with the physical act of moving, divorcing, healing. That was secondary. Leaving that toxic environment was about stopping the damage that was being done to my soul. My wife had become an addict, and she had become the kind of person I never wanted to be around. The deeper horror was that _I_ was becoming the kind of person I never wanted to be, and I was stone, cold sober.
It was not about leaving her, it was about saving me.
Mike
The physical benefits of life without an alcoholic are lovely.
I don't have to keep my blood pressure medications locked up, because there is no addict in my home that will steal them for some uncomprehensible reason. I got a raise I never expected, not from my employer, but because I stopped spending small amounts of money in a hundred different ways on covering up her addiction from the neighbors, from her boss, and on and on. I don't get calls from the post office, the gym, the employer, telling me some horror about what she did. Instead I get calls from friends wanting me to meet them for lunch, asking me to help start a new meeting, a new program.
The emotional benefits are sublime.
I used to find all kinds of reasons not to come home. I had no idea what emergency I would have to deal with, or where I would have to go to find her and bring her home. But I desperately _had_ to get home because there was sure to be some emergency that _had_ to be dealt with. It was a deep sense of helpless-ness. It didn't matter _what_ I did, go home or not go home, either way I would still feel that deep dread that lay on me every moment of my day.
Now I find all kinds of reasons not to come home. There's a new Italian restaurant somebody recommended, there's a friend who is going to be the main speaker over at a meeting, now that it's winter the sun sets right after I get off work and if I go up to the top floor of the parking garage the view is magnificent. If I do go home I will have a few emails from friends, my little old lady neighbor will wave at me and come over to chit chat for a few minutes, I have some good books I am slowly working through. It doesn't matter what I do, go home or not go home, either way I have something fun and interesting in my life every moment of my day.
What caught me by surprise was the difference in my soul.
Life with an addict was a very slow erosion of what I hold most dear. It happened so slowly that I never realized the damage being done. Towards the end of our marriage my wife was having affairs with married men. Three that I know of. I knew all of them. Two of the couples had been good friends for awhile. One of them had been clients of our business. When I first broke through my denial and realized what my wife was doing my first thought was to try and figure out how to get her to stop, how to keep the neighbors from finding out, how to protect our business.
It never ocurred to me that those thoughts were wrong. I never realized that my own sense of morals and values had been eroded by the unrelenting assault of addiction. I had no clue that _I_ had been changed for the worse.
Today I am single ( and loving it ). Once in a while I will meet a lovely lady, ask her out for coffee, later on a dinner, perhaps a movie. Then I find out she's married.
Deal breaker. I am not thinking of getting her to stop. I am not thinking of covering something up, of protecting a budding relationship. It's over. Done. Don't call me and no I won't call you. It's not a line in the sand, it's the Berlin wall.
Today I realize that leaving that marriage that had already died had _nothing_ to do with the physical act of moving, divorcing, healing. That was secondary. Leaving that toxic environment was about stopping the damage that was being done to my soul. My wife had become an addict, and she had become the kind of person I never wanted to be around. The deeper horror was that _I_ was becoming the kind of person I never wanted to be, and I was stone, cold sober.
It was not about leaving her, it was about saving me.
Mike
I am so glad that you saved yourself.
Oh----Merry Christmas!
dandylion
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