New Here, hoping you can provide help and feedback!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 9
New Here, hoping you can provide help and feedback!
Hi, I'm new here and I really, really need some advice and your thoughts on something I need to do tomorrow.
My husband is an alcoholic, he is in a bad way physically (CHF, High Blood Pressure and I believe his brain is not functioning like it used too).
My husband has sobered up and relapsed so many times in the past 1.5 years.
Every time he's quit drinking and relapse, he's getting more aggressive and intimidating. Yesterday, he pulled out a gun and waved it at my 27 yo son, threatening to shoot him. When I got home I asked him to go to his brothers, he wouldn't go, a lot of pushing and shoving occurred. My son grabbed him after my husband pushed me and he fell to the ground.
I called the police, they did arrest him, but ended taking him to the hospital instead of jail because of his high blood pressure. He won't even spend one night in jail, he'll go before the judge and probably get released.
My plan was to get an order of protection, no I don't think he really was going to hurt anyone, the gun wasn't loaded but for the past week he's been shoving a knife at me and threatening to stab me.
I'm feeling guilty now! What's up with that???? And I'm thinking of not getting an order of protection but I want to because I'm hoping it will force him into rehab.
Should I get the order of protection? I know the answer, I really do, but why do I feel so bad about it.....because I really don't think he's going to hurt me, or am I just kidding myself.
HELP ME PLEASE....talk some sense into me.
Thanks for listening to me....I have no one to turn to and I don't want to burden my grown up children.
Kim
My husband is an alcoholic, he is in a bad way physically (CHF, High Blood Pressure and I believe his brain is not functioning like it used too).
My husband has sobered up and relapsed so many times in the past 1.5 years.
Every time he's quit drinking and relapse, he's getting more aggressive and intimidating. Yesterday, he pulled out a gun and waved it at my 27 yo son, threatening to shoot him. When I got home I asked him to go to his brothers, he wouldn't go, a lot of pushing and shoving occurred. My son grabbed him after my husband pushed me and he fell to the ground.
I called the police, they did arrest him, but ended taking him to the hospital instead of jail because of his high blood pressure. He won't even spend one night in jail, he'll go before the judge and probably get released.
My plan was to get an order of protection, no I don't think he really was going to hurt anyone, the gun wasn't loaded but for the past week he's been shoving a knife at me and threatening to stab me.
I'm feeling guilty now! What's up with that???? And I'm thinking of not getting an order of protection but I want to because I'm hoping it will force him into rehab.
Should I get the order of protection? I know the answer, I really do, but why do I feel so bad about it.....because I really don't think he's going to hurt me, or am I just kidding myself.
HELP ME PLEASE....talk some sense into me.
Thanks for listening to me....I have no one to turn to and I don't want to burden my grown up children.
Kim
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Kim, you need to get away from him or have him removed. ANYONE wielding a gun or knife at someone is not stable and should not be trusted!
We just had a father and 2 sons in the news. All of them were drunk. The son shot and killed his brother over a roll of nickles in front of their dad.
We just had a father and 2 sons in the news. All of them were drunk. The son shot and killed his brother over a roll of nickles in front of their dad.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 85
Hi Kpez, so sorry you are going through this and all your family. Maybe think of it as if this were happening to a good friend of yours, a sister, a daughter, what would you advise them? Get a little distance to think clearly.
You have nothing to be guilty for. What is the right thing to do for you and your children. What do you need to do to make sure you are all safe. None of this is easy and you are in pain and upset. You will find support here but can you get face to face support? Have you tried Alanon? I hope you stay safe and I'm thinking of you and your family.
You have nothing to be guilty for. What is the right thing to do for you and your children. What do you need to do to make sure you are all safe. None of this is easy and you are in pain and upset. You will find support here but can you get face to face support? Have you tried Alanon? I hope you stay safe and I'm thinking of you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I'm sorry you're feeling guilty, but you shouldn't. You haven't done anything to cause your husband to drink and subsequently act erratically and nonsensical.
I don't think you can force your husband into rehab, but I do think you can force him to stay away from you which will give you time to think about whether you want to stay in a relationship with someone who tries to stab you and threatens to shoot your son.
I don't think you can force your husband into rehab, but I do think you can force him to stay away from you which will give you time to think about whether you want to stay in a relationship with someone who tries to stab you and threatens to shoot your son.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 9
So I'm overthinking this? I need to stick to my guns and not cave on this...because this is about me and making sure I'm safe and that everyone in the house is safe...I need to not think of him or his issues.
I've been to about 4 al-anon meetings but I just wasn't comfortable and I was afraid to talk about my situation with anybody....so I've read so many books on co-dependence and yes I admit I do have a problem. I can't believe my resolve is crumbling so easily...
Thank you for replying, I really just need a gut check....
I've been to about 4 al-anon meetings but I just wasn't comfortable and I was afraid to talk about my situation with anybody....so I've read so many books on co-dependence and yes I admit I do have a problem. I can't believe my resolve is crumbling so easily...
Thank you for replying, I really just need a gut check....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 85
Something I heard and learnt in Alanon is 'do the next right thing for you' don't think too far into the future but you know what the next right thing for you to do is. So do whatever keeps you and your family safe. There are great people here who you can talk to and get support from.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: RhodeIsland
Posts: 175
It is said a genuine relationship with an active alcoholic cannot exist. I get the sense that protecting the lives of those around and self is important, but a fear of losing a husband is a hard thing to face. It doesn't sound as if a relationship at this point exists to be sacrificed in seeking a protection order. It's bad without the violence and threat of - but now with that present what good can come of this?
this is a decision we cannot make. I don't know all the details of the situation, the steps along which lead to this point. I hope things get better though.
this is a decision we cannot make. I don't know all the details of the situation, the steps along which lead to this point. I hope things get better though.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
kpez - Welcome to SR, though sorry for what has brought you here. I know I always felt guilty when I did anything to take care of me (I have three XABFs...slow learner).
Not only has he threatened you, he's threatened your son and your son had to intervene in an altercation.
You and your son deserve to not live in fear. Even if you don't really think he'd really hurt you, this forum is full of people who were harmed who thought the same thing.
For me, the guilt usually went away as I took back control of my life.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Not only has he threatened you, he's threatened your son and your son had to intervene in an altercation.
You and your son deserve to not live in fear. Even if you don't really think he'd really hurt you, this forum is full of people who were harmed who thought the same thing.
For me, the guilt usually went away as I took back control of my life.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Get an order of protection. Period.
Originally Posted by kpez 
Hi, I'm new here and I really, really need some advice and your thoughts on something I need to do tomorrow.
My husband is an alcoholic, he is in a bad way physically (CHF, High Blood Pressure and I believe his brain is not functioning like it used too).
My husband has sobered up and relapsed so many times in the past 1.5 years.
Every time he's quit drinking and relapse, he's getting more aggressive and intimidating. Yesterday, he pulled out a gun and waved it at my 27 yo son, threatening to shoot him. When I got home I asked him to go to his brothers, he wouldn't go, a lot of pushing and shoving occurred. My son grabbed him after my husband pushed me and he fell to the ground.
I called the police, they did arrest him, but ended taking him to the hospital instead of jail because of his high blood pressure. He won't even spend one night in jail, he'll go before the judge and probably get released.
My plan was to get an order of protection, no I don't think he really was going to hurt anyone, the gun wasn't loaded but for the past week he's been shoving a knife at me and threatening to stab me.
I'm feeling guilty now! What's up with that???? And I'm thinking of not getting an order of protection but I want to because I'm hoping it will force him into rehab.
Should I get the order of protection? I know the answer, I really do, but why do I feel so bad about it.....because I really don't think he's going to hurt me, or am I just kidding myself.
HELP ME PLEASE....talk some sense into me.
Thanks for listening to me....I have no one to turn to and I don't want to burden my grown up children.
Kim
My husband is an alcoholic, he is in a bad way physically (CHF, High Blood Pressure and I believe his brain is not functioning like it used too).
My husband has sobered up and relapsed so many times in the past 1.5 years.
Every time he's quit drinking and relapse, he's getting more aggressive and intimidating. Yesterday, he pulled out a gun and waved it at my 27 yo son, threatening to shoot him. When I got home I asked him to go to his brothers, he wouldn't go, a lot of pushing and shoving occurred. My son grabbed him after my husband pushed me and he fell to the ground.
I called the police, they did arrest him, but ended taking him to the hospital instead of jail because of his high blood pressure. He won't even spend one night in jail, he'll go before the judge and probably get released.
My plan was to get an order of protection, no I don't think he really was going to hurt anyone, the gun wasn't loaded but for the past week he's been shoving a knife at me and threatening to stab me.
I'm feeling guilty now! What's up with that???? And I'm thinking of not getting an order of protection but I want to because I'm hoping it will force him into rehab.
Should I get the order of protection? I know the answer, I really do, but why do I feel so bad about it.....because I really don't think he's going to hurt me, or am I just kidding myself.
HELP ME PLEASE....talk some sense into me.
Thanks for listening to me....I have no one to turn to and I don't want to burden my grown up children.
Kim
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Welcome to the forum, and I really hope you will continue to post here regularly. There is a lot of support here, and people who have had all kinds of experiences.
Number one priority is to keep yourself safe. You said he's been increasingly aggressive and intimidating... now he's waving an unloaded gun and threatening to stab you...How long before that escalates into something worse, God FORBID...
This is a dangerous situation. Take whatever steps you can to stay safe and even get away from him...this is the kind of situation where you do NOT want to be looking back on, wishing you had stuck to your guns and kept yourself safe, and wondering why you ever felt guilty or bad for this man.
Others will have advice on what you can do to stay safe I'm sure.
PLEASE take good, good care of yourself and STAY SAFE!!!!
Peace.
Number one priority is to keep yourself safe. You said he's been increasingly aggressive and intimidating... now he's waving an unloaded gun and threatening to stab you...How long before that escalates into something worse, God FORBID...
This is a dangerous situation. Take whatever steps you can to stay safe and even get away from him...this is the kind of situation where you do NOT want to be looking back on, wishing you had stuck to your guns and kept yourself safe, and wondering why you ever felt guilty or bad for this man.
Others will have advice on what you can do to stay safe I'm sure.
PLEASE take good, good care of yourself and STAY SAFE!!!!
Peace.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by RhodeIsland
It is said a genuine relationship with an active alcoholic cannot exist. I get the sense that protecting the lives of those around and self is important, but a fear of losing a husband is a hard thing to face. It doesn't sound as if a relationship at this point exists to be sacrificed in seeking a protection order. It's bad without the violence and threat of - but now with that present what good can come of this?
this is a decision we cannot make. I don't know all the details of the situation, the steps along which lead to this point. I hope things get better though.
this is a decision we cannot make. I don't know all the details of the situation, the steps along which lead to this point. I hope things get better though.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 9
Thank you to everyone who replied, I will go tomorrow morning to get the order. You all have confirmed and made me realize a few things and I truly appreciate all your thoughts. In some strange way I now feel a bit less anxious over the whole thing.
I need to take care of me and my other family members, I don't have to live in fear and to be intimidated.
I need to take care of me and my other family members, I don't have to live in fear and to be intimidated.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: PA
Posts: 695
One question- how guilty would you be feeling today had that scenario played out differently? If the gun and been loaded and he shot your son? Could you live with yourself if it doesn't turn out as well the next time? If the answer is no, then you need to get out or have him removed.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
I've been to about 4 al-anon meetings but I just wasn't comfortable and I was afraid to talk about my situation with anybody....so I've read so many books on co-dependence and yes I admit I do have a problem. I can't believe my resolve is crumbling so easily...
I went to an alanon-type meeting once and I didn't care for it. Some will say I should try another one, maybe a different group. Eh, I just didn't like it. Right now I am seeing a counselor, though, and that is helpful. There are counselors available on sliding scales if you think you can't afford it.
As far as your resolve crumbling, it's hard when you live in an abusive situation. You walk on eggshells. You become afraid. I understand. My husband is extremely abusive and I can't wait until I have things set up so I can leave him. Fear is a horrible feeling to have all of the time. It makes you give in when it's not good for you. But I see in your posts that you want to change all of that, and that's good.
I think I just don't want to admit that there really is no relationship, or that it is only one sided
********{Hugs}}}}} I feel for you. I know how heartbreaking that is, to think that you have given so much GENUINE love and care, that you have been thoughtful of them, that you saw a future..to think that your partner only thinks of themself, to think that alcohol is more important than anything, to see that they actually aren't thoughtful of you and if they are it's usually because they want something, etc.... That is a sad place to be.
The good news is that you can be FREE of all of that. Oh, how I can't wait for the day I can leave mine! Yes, I might get lonely...but think about it...don't you already feel lonely with them? I swear I feel more alone with him than I do when I'm actually ALONE. Know what I mean?
You can look forward to PEACEFULNESS. No fight-picking, no abuse, no drunken ramblings that are nonsensical. Just PEACE from all of that.
Thank you to everyone who replied, I will go tomorrow morning to get the order. You all have confirmed and made me realize a few things and I truly appreciate all your thoughts. In some strange way I now feel a bit less anxious over the whole thing.
I'm glad you are going to get the order. Stay strong! You can do this!
Glad too that you feel less anxious over it all. It helps to know there are others that understand how you feel, and others that have been there, doesn't it?
I don't have to live in fear and to be intimidated.
No, you don't!
Good luck!
Keep posting.
Peace.
I went to an alanon-type meeting once and I didn't care for it. Some will say I should try another one, maybe a different group. Eh, I just didn't like it. Right now I am seeing a counselor, though, and that is helpful. There are counselors available on sliding scales if you think you can't afford it.
As far as your resolve crumbling, it's hard when you live in an abusive situation. You walk on eggshells. You become afraid. I understand. My husband is extremely abusive and I can't wait until I have things set up so I can leave him. Fear is a horrible feeling to have all of the time. It makes you give in when it's not good for you. But I see in your posts that you want to change all of that, and that's good.
I think I just don't want to admit that there really is no relationship, or that it is only one sided
********{Hugs}}}}} I feel for you. I know how heartbreaking that is, to think that you have given so much GENUINE love and care, that you have been thoughtful of them, that you saw a future..to think that your partner only thinks of themself, to think that alcohol is more important than anything, to see that they actually aren't thoughtful of you and if they are it's usually because they want something, etc.... That is a sad place to be.
The good news is that you can be FREE of all of that. Oh, how I can't wait for the day I can leave mine! Yes, I might get lonely...but think about it...don't you already feel lonely with them? I swear I feel more alone with him than I do when I'm actually ALONE. Know what I mean?
You can look forward to PEACEFULNESS. No fight-picking, no abuse, no drunken ramblings that are nonsensical. Just PEACE from all of that.
Thank you to everyone who replied, I will go tomorrow morning to get the order. You all have confirmed and made me realize a few things and I truly appreciate all your thoughts. In some strange way I now feel a bit less anxious over the whole thing.
I'm glad you are going to get the order. Stay strong! You can do this!
Glad too that you feel less anxious over it all. It helps to know there are others that understand how you feel, and others that have been there, doesn't it?
I don't have to live in fear and to be intimidated.
No, you don't!
Good luck!
Keep posting.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Keep remembering what you said, each time he sobers up then relapses- he becomes more aggressive. If that aggression is building where will it end, you don't know and certainly don't want to find out for yourself or your son.
You are making a wise decision by getting the protection order.
You are making a wise decision by getting the protection order.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 41
kpez, I don't have anything to add to what the wonderful posters above me already has said, other than: Please listen to them!
I just wanted to add my support. I am so sorry you have to go through this. Hopefully, it can be the start of you taking your life back. Hugs!
I just wanted to add my support. I am so sorry you have to go through this. Hopefully, it can be the start of you taking your life back. Hugs!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 9
Just thought I'd update my original post, I did go for the order of protection, and it was granted.
I've now been crying on and off, but I guess I'm coming to realize I'm making my first steps forward and I'm afraid and very very sad. 29 years going down the drain, practically my whole life...this really does stink and he's the one that caused this, not me, ok, me a little I guess but I wish I didn't feel so horrible about the whole thing.
You know, when they granted the order, I actually thought to myself that he really was abusive and they would never grant the order if he wasn't...isn't that crazy, I don't even think that I'm in an abusive relationship....
Sorry for rambling, just wanted to let you know the outcome of the order of protection.
I've now been crying on and off, but I guess I'm coming to realize I'm making my first steps forward and I'm afraid and very very sad. 29 years going down the drain, practically my whole life...this really does stink and he's the one that caused this, not me, ok, me a little I guess but I wish I didn't feel so horrible about the whole thing.
You know, when they granted the order, I actually thought to myself that he really was abusive and they would never grant the order if he wasn't...isn't that crazy, I don't even think that I'm in an abusive relationship....
Sorry for rambling, just wanted to let you know the outcome of the order of protection.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Hi Kpez,
Don't look at this as a closed door but a NEW DOOR... to a better future. Your creating boundaries and not allowing outrageous, unacceptable, dangerous behavior to you or your son is a beginning of regaining your freedom to once again enjoy a peaceful and safe life.
By accepting bad behavior we establish how we will allow others to treat us... we train them to abuse us because they can and it gets them what they want from us. Your husband has a new reality that he must accept in that you were no longer tolerate his abusive behavior and now he must choose how he will react to that. He can choose to change his choices or he can choose the same path he is on... and you must know that alcoholism is a progressive disease and the next time the gun may have been loaded and he may shoot someone deliberately or even by accident!
In my case, my XA was a hopeless alcoholic and we split up 2 years ago. A few months ago he chose recovery 2500 miles away from me. He is doing fantastic and is a joy to talk to... reflective, remorseful, hopeful, kind, loving... the man I used to love! My turning him out gave him the opportunity to deal with life on its own terms and he decided he wants to live the rest of his life sober.
Your A may make better choices or he may not! Just take care of you and your own recovery and you can be happy no matter what he chooses! That is the miracle of self care and finding ourselves and our own way out of the disease of alcoholism.
Wishing you much peace and serenity this Christmas and give it TIME... time is your friend and more will be revealed in the coming, days, months and even years.
Don't look at this as a closed door but a NEW DOOR... to a better future. Your creating boundaries and not allowing outrageous, unacceptable, dangerous behavior to you or your son is a beginning of regaining your freedom to once again enjoy a peaceful and safe life.
By accepting bad behavior we establish how we will allow others to treat us... we train them to abuse us because they can and it gets them what they want from us. Your husband has a new reality that he must accept in that you were no longer tolerate his abusive behavior and now he must choose how he will react to that. He can choose to change his choices or he can choose the same path he is on... and you must know that alcoholism is a progressive disease and the next time the gun may have been loaded and he may shoot someone deliberately or even by accident!
In my case, my XA was a hopeless alcoholic and we split up 2 years ago. A few months ago he chose recovery 2500 miles away from me. He is doing fantastic and is a joy to talk to... reflective, remorseful, hopeful, kind, loving... the man I used to love! My turning him out gave him the opportunity to deal with life on its own terms and he decided he wants to live the rest of his life sober.
Your A may make better choices or he may not! Just take care of you and your own recovery and you can be happy no matter what he chooses! That is the miracle of self care and finding ourselves and our own way out of the disease of alcoholism.
Wishing you much peace and serenity this Christmas and give it TIME... time is your friend and more will be revealed in the coming, days, months and even years.
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