WMJ1012

I just read the sticky post on how the alcoholic abuses. But I'm seeing I did something that could be interpreted as abuse too. I'm not sure how to handle it.
I did not realize I was doing this at the time, but several years ago I tried to "save" someone who is a violent offender. I really thought I was helping him by telling him about recovery. I saw him for coffee several times a week and it turned into some kissing and a few teenage things like that.
He did time for killing a homeless man in a sober rage after his GF broke up with him. And I thought I could "help" him!
He never looked at what he had done and blamed other people. Anyway I got too close to him for a few months and then said I didn't want to continue it because he wasn't willing to get a program. He is sober many years but "dry".
Not very wise of me I know.

As a punishment to me he has destroyed my reputation by spreading lies about me all over our state. I know a lot of people and it had harmed family greatly. I have suffered horribly and many others have added to the abuse including my own doctors and even my family. Boy is it a sick world out there!

But I beat myself up so bad for this mistake and others have added to that. My health is failing and I really believe I'm going to die. I have trauma issues now with actual physical side effects.

The guy is doing great. He got a great amount of relief and a lot of accolades from his friends and thinks he's really tough. But now I see I was attracted to sociopaths!

Someone in AA told me that what I got was "Gods perfect justice." Is it? I just don't want to die for this person. My reputation is so bad I am completely alone and exhausted. Incredibly depressed and sick.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family Buildwithme!

I hope you will make yourself at home by reading, posting and venting as much as needed. We are here to support you.

I lived with my alcoholic 14 years. During that time, I turned into someone I didn't even recognize. Someone I am not proud of. I said and did things that left me feeling shame filled, guilt ridden and crushed.

I found myself finally reaching out for help through this website, and local Alanon meetings. I found out I was not alone. Others know the pain of having loved an addict.

Through their support I learned:

What other people think of me is none of my business.

I did the best I could at the time with the understanding I had at that time.

The addict's life is filled with false impressions of success. The addict is a master manipulator ~ they have had years of experience!

It didn't happen overnight, but I eventually learned to love myself. I learned that my life is important, my life has meaning, and I am loveable.

Your life is important!
Your life matters!
You are loving and loveable!

Please reach out for the help and support you need. You are worth the effort.

WMJ1012

I have been going to Alanon for quite some time now.
I believe that I need to set some boundaries openly ( in front of others) to let it be better understood what I will and won't accept today.

Raider

Whoever told you that this is God's perfect justice does not know God. God is not evil. I'm sorry this happened to you but you did what you thought was right. That's all you can do. Don't beat yourself up. Blessings to you.

Hammer

So what do you need your reputation for?

Recovering2

Dear BuildWithMe, most of us on here tried to "save" the A in our life. We learn the hard way that you can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. Many many people on here have had to leave those relationships and save themselves. That is not a crime, nothing to be ashamed about. You tried, it didn't work, you moved on with your life. I personally think it's best you didn't stay connected to a violent alcoholic.

Pelican said it best. You need to get to a place where you love yourself enough to not worry about what others think. You are giving people the power to hurt you. I dealt with a lot of backlash from my A's family members when I started setting boundaries. There are a few who still have issues. I've learned those are THEIR issues, not mine.

Keep posting. We "get it".

Seren

Hi BuildWithMe, Welcome!

I'm stunned and shocked that someone would dare to claim that they know anything about G--'s justice. None of us knows the mind of G--, and his love and mercy are boundless.

Please know that you are not alone. So many of us have tried so hard to be the one that saved the poor judged and misunderstood alcoholic. Sadly, active alcoholics are master maniuplators and will use what we say and do against us to get what they want. When they are actively drinking, all bets are off.

You are worthy of dignity and respect, and are loveable. Please never forget that.

Stick around, make yourself at home. You are definitely among friends!

mrschoices

Thank you.
I like what one person said about "what do you need your reputation for?" It's true, that's just my ego bothering me.
Also we do get back what we deserve, I hate to say it - even if we were doing the best we could. However I don't believe the punishment fit the crime. After all, there were TWO
of us there.
But I am the only one who had a program of recovery. So my bad more than his.

The good thing is I learned I had been gravitating towards people like him all my life. That's why I'm in Alanon!

NWGRITS

I believe we got back what we give with the intent in which we gave it. Either way, no one (especially not within the halls of AA or Al-Anon) has the right to tell you anything about what you "deserve" or what God is going to you or anyone else. You hold no responsibility for anything he did.

JustAGirl1971

Buildwithme, I, too, have said and done things that I regret (with/to my AH, and with/to other people.) We all have made mistakes. We're human. The thing is though, it's never to late to carve out the bad parts. About his sculpture the David, Michelangelo said "I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free." That's my prayer - God, carve me until the me you designed me to be is set free. I fully expect it will take my lifetime for him to accomplish this

As for what others think, if the relationships are important enough, repair them. If that means making amends, do so. If it means having an honest conversation and telling them gently how they've hurt you, do so. If, the relationship isn't important, let it go. Yes, that may mean that those people will continue to remember the bad about you, and/or think false/fabricated things about you. But, so what? If they're no longer in your life, does it really matter WHAT they think about you? I know it's easier said than done (I worry way too much what others think of me), but you CAN do this. You can rebuild your life and have a stronger, better, happier life.

I'm sorry you're hurting.

Hammer

Sorry, did not really mean to be that flippant.

More like -- is a professional reputation an important part of your career?

At the start of all this type stuff, folks may not know yet that deep, or severe, long-term alcoholism does not always tend to exist on its own.

There are often Mental Illness components that may even be driving the Alcoholism and/or Addictions.

When you are dealing with Drunk + Crazy, even if you take the Drunk part away, you still have Crazy to deal with.

Some Personality Disorders seem to cause the folks that have them to do what is called "Paint Black" (sort of make a bunch of lies) about folks that are having problems or separations from.

This is a standard part of the Mental Illnesses / Personality Disorders that are hidden below the surface of some Alcoholics/Addicts.

Had and Has NOTHING to do with you AT ALL.

So it is probably harmful and self-destructive for folks to try to take blame for someone else's Mental Illness and Bad Behavior. For now, just be glad they are gone from your life.

readerbaby71

"God's perfect justice"?????!!!!! What utter nonsense. That makes me very angry. You do not "deserve" to be humiliated and abused. Run, do not walk, from this nasty, judgmental person and maybe find a more supportive AA group. You can't change the way people think of you or what they say, but you know what your intentions were. To help. All that matters is what you think of yourself.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Wishing you much love and healing.

WMJ1012

This is why my continued sobriety is all about Alanon now: the love.
My Alanon issues are why I drank.
I have learned behaviors of not setting boundaries
I've stopped bringin people like that into my life
And what others say/think about me is NOT about me
I could give a darn!
I'm looking more at my fear of others opinions today
This that happened is good. It will help me push out of that fear