Tonight Is The Night When I Set Myself Free
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Winchester, TN
Posts: 62
Tonight Is The Night When I Set Myself Free
I am happy to say that I am going to try to do what I should have done years ago. With the help of this site....I have spent the better part of 2 days reading and asking for help...and receiving it, and the advise and loving encouragement of a couple of wise friends...I am going to detach from my 24 year old daughter's life. She is a recovering addict , and I have tried to control and fix, and will everything to be right for her. Only she can do that...I am sure she thinks I am a joke...The only one I am affecting at all is myself...and I have been literally making myself sick. I have problems with insomnia so there were some nights last week that I sat up until 4:00 AM worrying and obsessing. She is drinking and taking prescription drugs. She is not drinking very much but she is drinking. In fact, after she got out of rehab she never really completely stopped drinking. Like a fool, I try to stay on top of where she is going, who she is seeing, and what she is doing..impossible for a 24 year old. All it did was cause her to lie to me about the above things. I don't want her to lie to me, but I set it up so that she had to. I am not guilty for that, however, she makes her own decisions. I am going to join a health club tomorrow morning and work out 3 times a week...for me. I teach high school English so I am out for the summer..oh, goody, more time to obsess and worry. Not this summer. I have talked to a friend who is very involved in church and I am going to church this Sunday, there is much there to help me...prayer groups, Bible study...things i want to do and just never get around to. My daughter is a lost soul and my trying to control everything will not allow her to grow at all. She is like a stunted plant. I keep cutting her back when she doesn't do what i think she should do, date whom I want her to date (of course there are very few guys that I find acceptable). So she just lies and does what she wants to anyway. I am powerless to change her...but i can change myself. i am declaring my independence. Please pray that I succeed. I think my health and my daughter's future rests upon my success in this detaching. I have had 2 open heart surgeries, resulting in an artificial heart valve, and I do not need any more health problems..stress is most dangerous and that is what I am best at...a self induced hell of worry and stress that manifests itself with my calling and trying to run down exactly where my daughter is and what lies she has told me. I have neglected myself, my husband and our marriage...our lives have been put on hold to take care of hers. My eventual goal is to get her to move out and live on her own (we will have to supplement that but it would be worth it...right now of course, she refuses to even consider that). Again, I would appreciate any prayers as I at least begin to do what I should have done years ago.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Frannie
I have been there and done that with my son, and I promise you that letting go and letting God is truly the answer.
We can rest easier knowing we tried everything we knew how, and in the end the addiction is just bigger than we are and we really are powerless.
Each night I say a prayer for our children, and your daughter will be on the top of my list tonight.
Hugs and Prayers
Ann
P.S. Did you get my messge about the avatars?
I have been there and done that with my son, and I promise you that letting go and letting God is truly the answer.
We can rest easier knowing we tried everything we knew how, and in the end the addiction is just bigger than we are and we really are powerless.
Each night I say a prayer for our children, and your daughter will be on the top of my list tonight.
Hugs and Prayers
Ann
P.S. Did you get my messge about the avatars?
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Frannie...OMG God girl you have my prayers! You are right about it being a self induced hell. Join your gym...reconnect with your husband and have a life of your own. Keep in touch with us...if you have come this far in such a short time the sky is the limit! And we will be right here cheering you on when you succeed and handing you a tissue when you take a step back!
Hugs and pom pom's!!
JT
Hugs and pom pom's!!
JT
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
I wish you much serenity as a result of your decision. For many of us, just being able to believe we did all we could and are powerless is what we needed to let ourselves go free to live ur own lives.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Winchester, TN
Posts: 62
thanks for your good wishes and positive support...just think, when I made this decision only 2 people knew about it...2 dear and wise friends...no I have all of you for support too, and that really matters.
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
Frannie,
It seems so cold to detach from them, but its really the most loving thing we can do for our children. My dear sainted sponsor told me that I was HURTING and not helping my son by doing for him what he could and should be doing for himself. She told me I was getting in God's way as He had lessons to teach my son that he could only learn by his own experiences. That helped me so much.
We are here, and as you can probably tell, there are a LOT of moms who can understand how you feel
Hugs and love
Barb
It seems so cold to detach from them, but its really the most loving thing we can do for our children. My dear sainted sponsor told me that I was HURTING and not helping my son by doing for him what he could and should be doing for himself. She told me I was getting in God's way as He had lessons to teach my son that he could only learn by his own experiences. That helped me so much.
We are here, and as you can probably tell, there are a LOT of moms who can understand how you feel
Hugs and love
Barb
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Frannie!
Hooray for you!!! You can do it! Lucky thing it's almost the fourth of July. You can pop by a discount store, grab some fireworks and celebrate your very own independence day! You go girl!
Hugs,
Smoke
Hooray for you!!! You can do it! Lucky thing it's almost the fourth of July. You can pop by a discount store, grab some fireworks and celebrate your very own independence day! You go girl!
Hugs,
Smoke
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Winchester, TN
Posts: 62
Thanks for the words of wisdom...I was especially impressed by the statement that i am getting in God's way by trying to do everything. I believe that is true...we stand in God's way to workHis plan on out children. I know that i was so busy tryingto have my will that God's will was rarely considered.
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: highland, IN
Posts: 9
Good job! I am so happy that you are standing your ground. Addicts need that. You are doing the best thing for her and yourself. God will help you. If he can help a junkie like me he can help anyone. Jesus never fades. If you surrender to Him He will be there for you always. I am reading a really good book that you might like. A Purpose Driven Life. It is a great book. It helped me see what life is really about. You sound like a get women. Your daughter is very lucky to have a mother like you! I hope everything is wonderful in your life. And God Bless your family. I will pray for you and your daughter.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Winchester, TN
Posts: 62
All of you who took the time to care and share...I really appreciate it. This morning I am doing fine. I have joined a health club (for me), only 5 minutes from my house, i purchased 2 books to help me when I can't get to the computer and to all of you...it is called "Codependent No More" and is supposed to be good. When i told my daughter about my plans to detach she just laughed...said I was too nosy to ever do that. i hope she is wrong. I talked to an acquaintance whom I admire tremendously (but do not know well) about her church...I have heard it is a good one. And i intend to start going...I have always wanted to belong to a womens Bible Study group and i am going to find one in this church and go! In fact, my higher power needs some real attention..I have put that on the backburner for too long. So far i can talk the talk...lets just hope that i can walk the walk....Thanks for caring...you are all amazing to me. Frannie
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Sulphur LA
Posts: 47
"So far i can talk the talk...lets just hope that i can walk the walk...."
Hon, set backs are inevitable. The important thing is that you don't let them hold you down. Just brush yourself off and continue on the same path. We'll be here to help you. All you need do is ask. Keep going forward and don't look back.
I keep hearing about that book (Codependant no more) and hope to some day read it. Hope it helps you. :-)
Hon, set backs are inevitable. The important thing is that you don't let them hold you down. Just brush yourself off and continue on the same path. We'll be here to help you. All you need do is ask. Keep going forward and don't look back.
I keep hearing about that book (Codependant no more) and hope to some day read it. Hope it helps you. :-)
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
You are taking great steps, everything you mentioned will help you to learn to live your life, and not live someone elses.
'Codependent No More' is fabulous. I recommend it all the time. I have just started it again, from the beginning, actually.
Each day you are able to focus a little less on them and a little more on you, you are making progress. The further I walk the path of recovery from codependence the happier my life becomes. I am glad you are coming along.
'Codependent No More' is fabulous. I recommend it all the time. I have just started it again, from the beginning, actually.
Each day you are able to focus a little less on them and a little more on you, you are making progress. The further I walk the path of recovery from codependence the happier my life becomes. I am glad you are coming along.
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