Katiekate

my brother spent 7 years in prison,

he was in a half way house for 3 months when he returned home,

he did not use drugs or get re arrested when he got there,

he made a decision to change his life,

he surrendered.

Upsetnneedhelp

How do you know he is in denial? You may be assuming a bit too much.

RhodeIsland

Keeps the money in your pocket lol

Upsetnneedhelp

That is amazing. How long did it take him to find a job? Did he ever talk to you about what prison is really like? Was he ever sent to solitary?

I bought my son the television for Christmas. Hopefully, he will be grateful for the gift. I do not believe I need the Families Anonymous meetings nor this board. I am not nearly as angry as some people I read on here. I place my faith in God and that is the most important person.

m1k3

Upset, I wish for you and your son a safe and peaceful Christmas. I also wish that you could find the compassion for others on this forum who are truly hurting as many of us have shown to you. ((((Hugs)))

Your friend,

m1k3

I think the point is that the forum is for her to help her work a strong recovery. Whether or not the A is active or in denial is moot.

Your friend,

Katiekate

He was in solitary many times, he did 3 30 day hits in solitary.

We talked a length about what prison was like, the year before he was released we talked on the phone a lot, it cost me a ton lol.

He has worked consistently since being out however it took him a couple of years to get settled.

6 years after his release his eldest son died of a drug overdose, there was not tough love , he just let him be, detoxed him many times, loved him and bailed him out , he still died.

His younger son is now in the drug addcition cycle, 8 years, my brother loves his son, he can't get him to stop, my relationship with my brother is so strained right now, his son's addcition is killing the love in our family in many ways.

I'm not angry, I am hurt for my brother, for the loss of our relationship, for the loss of my eldest nephew, this board has helped me a lot through this, and with ending the relationship with my xabf, no one ever mentioned tough love to me on this forum, this is my recovery, I too have surrendered, I was addicted to the alcoholic, my addcition allowed him to treat me and himself badly, nothing I ever did helped him, if you don't need this board thats cool, but there are people who benefit greatly from al anon, this forum, therapy, addcition is a social disease, addicts are very sick people, people that we love, that is why we are here, our greatest fear is that they will die, alone, loaded, in the street, there is nothing we can do to prevent that, the drugs are wayyyy more powerful than us.

Upsetnneedhelp

m1, I have never responded well being told what to do. I think I made a mistake by detailing my sons crimes. In addition to everything else, my son is anti-social. Yes, some people have been very nice and helpful to me while others not so much. I feel judged by my sons actions. Well, Happy Holidays to everyone.

OnawaMiniya

Upsetneedhelp,

I suspect that you have a lot of guilt over your son's drinking. I can't figure out why else you would be so bent on putting down the other people using this forum to help them sort out their relationships & past relationships with alcoholics/to work on themselves, while seemingly defending the alcoholics in their lives, whom you do not even know at all - not in real life, not even on a forum like this.

I say the following to you with concern for your well-being and health: I suspect you are projecting some kind of anger over the situation with your alcoholic son onto everyone here. What anger? I don't know; I'm not you. Maybe people in your real life, in addition to some people on this forum, have abused you to cut your son off, to not help him, etc. Maybe you are angry at being accused of enabling. Maybe you are confused as to where the line is between enabling and being nice in your particular situation.

Maybe you are angry at yourself. Maybe you feel responsible somehow for his drinking problem. Is that the case? If so, please talk about it...we will be there for you.

Peace.

OnawaMiniya

Sorry if I'm misunderstanding here...did you think m1k3 was ordering you around?

On here, in real life, or both? I seem to recall a post you made about being at a gathering and no one wanted to put their belongings in the room thinking your son may steal from them, is that correct?

I know he's your son, and the love you have for him is unconditional, unbreakable, and strong...but perhaps your love for him is blinding you from being able to have a more objective view of things. Do you think that could be a possibility?

Can you elaborate on that? What does he do that makes you say that?

Again, are you only talking about this forum right now? Real life? Both?

When I first came to this site, I was told some things I didn't want to hear...but I knew they were true. I'll acknowledge that sometimes, some people could have certainly shown more compassion in how they put things. I don't mind straightforward people, that's not what I'm talking about. Once in a while everyone on here has gotten a response that was unnecessarily snarky, condescending, etc.

I hope not, but it's possible that I've come across that way at times. Was never my intention, but the subjects talked about here are very emotional, deep, often painfully private, etc. So tension can run high here at times. I think that's normal for a forum that deals with such heavy matter.

No matter what forum you go to, there will always be someone who is unnecessarily condescending. Overall, I find this to be one of the most, if not the most, kind and caring forums I've ever had the pleasure of frequenting.

It helps to try and put your emotions aside sometimes and choose to read with your head more than your heart. It makes it a lot easier to tell the difference between who is being obnoxious and who is just telling you something you don't want to/aren't ready to hear.

Do I also remember correctly that you aren't from America (i know there are people all over the world posting here, but it seems to me that a good chunk of them are American)? Forgive me if I'm wrong, I just thought I recalled a conversation about the cultural differences you noted. If I'm remembering right, perhaps it would be helpful to explain how your cultural experience impacts how you feel with your son, and how it makes it difficult to talk about it in this forum. The more others understand, the better.

I know you do. Here, and in real life. I'm sorry you feel so burdened. It's not easy, I know. And I know it causes you great pain to see your son suffering.

They are HIS actions, though, not yours.

How do your cultural experiences impact that aspect of how you feel?

Wishing you peace.

Leana

I've read your posts on and off for a while, you seem to dwell on your son's criminal record more than anyone one here. A lot of people on this forum have legal issues, it actually is pretty common place when talking to a group of people with drug and alcohol problems. I've only seen compassionate responses to most people. Happy holiday's to you and your son.

Upsetnneedhelp

onawa, thank you for your post. I think you are understanding some of the issues I am having. Although I am fluent in English it is still not my first language. I think I misunderstand some things and do not understand jokes. I think I have angerment issues with people in my real life and bring that attitude on here.

OnawaMiniya

No problem. I understand.

Maybe it would be helpful to explain the differences in culture, regarding how someone is generally expected to handle having an alcoholic son where you are from, verses the ways people on here talk about handling it.

I can't recall where you are from, I apologize. Are there issues with feeling shame regarding your son's habits that you are dealing with?

Talking about such an emotionally upsetting issue is hard enough, and even harder when you feel that you may be misunderstanding things others say, and feeling misunderstood yourself.

This is a safe place to talk about how you feel inside. No place is perfect, but like I said, this really is one of the best, if not THE best, places I've ever come across to talk about things.

No need to carry so much anger inside - it just hurts you in the long run. A great quote (Buddha):

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."

Stick around and tell us about yourself.

Wishing you peace.

Take care.

Upsetnneedhelp

onawa, I come from Honduras. We lived in the lawless countryside. We came here as political refugees. In my country the village or community was very important. It was necessary for safety and, at times, for survival. We had what one could call here street justice. I find it ironic the US has laws for everything yet still has so much violence. Yes, my son has brought great shame on my family. The neighbors do not like me because of all the trouble my son brought. There are a lot of difference in my culture.

jessicajoe

Upsetneedhelp.
I am the mother of two boys whom I love very much.
If either of them found themselves where your son finds himself right now I have no idea how I would behave towards them or the rest of the world.
I know when they were little I was always very quick to defend or excuse their actions ("ah but he is tired,jealous,has a headcold" whatever)
When I read some of your posts I think I see you being like this and I think perhaps I would be just the same.
In my work and in my family I often have to be the organizer and the problem solver I know (because I have been gently told by someone I trust) that this can sometimes make me appear patronizing or condescending. That is me its who I am. We all have personalities.
I work hard here in SR not to behave like that. I read everything I'm about to post three times and worry how it will be perceived because I really want to learn and grow and the sharing and advice here (for me and my situation) is better than any I have had anywhere.
I'm glad you have SR. I think because you continue to read and post that you do get something from here so I'm glad that you have the forum and truly, I am glad that you are here.
I don't always agree with what you post but your posts do often make me think and consider things.
I'm sorry things are as they are for you and your son right now. I look at my boys and think it could easily be one of them.
I wish you a peaceful Christmas Upsetneedhelp and a happy future to you and yours

Upsetnneedhelp

Thank you Jessica. Happy holiday to you also. I will be going to my sisters house for Christmas and expecting the usual questioning of my parental skills. I know it will be less stressful because my son is locked up.

Hawkeye13

Hi Upsetnnedhelp;
I am also sorry for you and your son being apart at Christmas, and for the pain you are feeling.

I send you a warm hug and I hope do not let your sister and her questions hurt you.
People try to help and sometimes they aren't as careful as they should be.
Please take care and I hope you find some peace.
You are obviously a loving and caring mother.

JustAGirl1971

Upset, don't let them blame you. For that matter, don't blame yourself. You are not responsible for your son's bad choices or his addiction. Sometimes I think we parents like to judge other parents for their child's actions rather than admit that we could be that parent. None of us are guaranteed that our children will make the right choices when they grow up (actually, I'd argue that we're guaranteed the opposite - our kids will make some bad choices because they're human just like us.)

PohsFriend

As someone who may have been successful with tough love, in my case that meant taking my (now) wife to a family member when she would not go to a hospital and that was because I was out of ideas. Any toughness I had would have turned to jello if the choice was take her home or to jail.

Who's to say which of several impossible options is the least bad?

One of our friends lost a teen to drugs last week and I'm sure they will spend the rest of their lives second guessing every choice and every decision.

We do the best we can to make an impossible decision with the tools we have and we live with the outcome. Before I met my wife I never met anyone with a bad addiction issue. I met my second through hundredth through her group at AA.

I'm a thinker, I like things to make sense and be orderly and tidy. Addiction is not. I found the common thread I think - all of the addicts I have met, be it alcohol or another drug, were human. Most seem to be kinder than the average person. Black, white, rich, poor, smart, not so smart, male, female, family problems, no family problems, Christian, Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, Agnostic, Atheist.... give addiction credit, it has no bigotry and does not play favorites. It tries to kill anyone and everyone in it's path with an amazing ability to hate everyone equally.

Don't kid yourself about tough love, I can say things went the right way for my wife when she was out of options but I was out of ideas and could not cope and if I could have thought of another option I would have. I just beat her to rock bottom by a few hours.

I'm not so sure prison is the answer. As a society we put our addicts in prison where they can learn to be real criminals. They need hospitals not prison.

My opinion is worth about what you are paying for it but it sounds to me like you did your best - what else can anyone do?

lillamy

Yes.
This.