Rose56

Good Morning. It is Friday and I am feeling pretty good this morning. I started a new routine yesterday morning - I started exercising before I came to work. I usually exercise after work but I have been having trouble lately getting myself there. So I decided to turn over a new leaf and exercise before work. Anyway I feel pretty good.

I am really looking forward to my vacation in July. I am going on a cruise with my sister and my daughter. Two of my most favorite people in the world. No men allowed. It will be a wonderful 7 days! Then the second week, my sister and her husband are taking my daughter and I to Ocean City, MD for a week at the beach!!! I will get a chance to play with my niece and nephew in the Ocean!!! I really need this break, away from my husband and our problems.

My husband and my son fight very often. My son is a bit obnoxious and disrespectful. He is 17 and just trying to learn to be a man. So he and my husband yell and fight with each other. And yet, yesterday when my husband was stuck with his work truck on the highway, my son when out to find him right away. Well they missed one another and then were yelling later because of the misunderstanding. Each thought the other was unreasonable. This situation makes me very upset and I feel that I have to get in the middle of their arguments and help them to communicate and be reasonable. I realized last night that this is male testosterone stuff going on and I don't need to be a part of it. My son will have to learn to get along with his father on his own and vice versa. This will be a hard attitude to maintain but I know I need to stay out of it. Because I don't do much good when I get involved anyway. But this is a familiar pattern in our house. I hope I can change it.

Thanks for listening and I hope you all have a good weekend.

lolly112166

Trust me Rose, and believe me I have experience with this. Your leaving them on their own for a bit is a great idea. They will be forced to communicate on a closer level. All my Mom and I ever got was in the way. Had we left my brother and father alone, they might have forged some sort of relationship.

But, as the "repair person" in my family, I just couldn't leave it alone. And my poor Mother couldn't leave well enough alone either...which caused her misery until she died.

I hope you have a wonderful trip! Don't forget to bring yourself back some sand.

Lolly

JT

Hi Rose,

What you are talking about is something that I have alot of experience (strength...hope???) in.
I should have been issued a black and white striped shirt and a whistle in my survival kit. That is a circle that is so hard to stay out of...and even tho Ward and the Beav do not live together anymore it is still a tough one.

One thing I did start doing in the beginning was to leave when they got going...run an errand, go for a walk, go to the library. I would get my keys and walk out...and for some reason they would stop. I still have no clue what that is about...but all would be quiet when I got home. They returned to their corners when no one was around to referee.

I learned in Al Anon that they have the right to thier own relationship without interference from me, whatever that may be, Just as I have a right to a relationship with the Beav and Ward without comment from the other one. Does this make any sense? It was hard, but it helped to stop one of our ugliest cycles...

Rose56

Thanks Lolly and JT for sharing your experience. I think I am learning to stay out of it too. Someone in my al-anon said yesterday that when he felt responsible for the outcome, then he spent a lot of energy trying to control. I am trying to let go of responsibility for the outcome. This really is a wonderful program. I am learning things and making small changes. It may not be earth shattering but they are important changes that can lead to something, I can just feel it. I really appreciate all of you. This is a wonderful support system.
O and by the way.....I am loving this new puppy, my son named him Icarus(the mythical boy that flew too close to the sun and plunged into the ocean). He is so joyful and playful, and my older dog loves him too. The nine year old dog plays with the puppy, it is so fun to watch.
"Lucky I'm still sane after all I've been through... I can't complain but sometimes I still do....Life's been good to me so far...."

Morning Glory

Rose,

Your vacation sounds wonderful, I wish I could go with you!

Thanks for letting me know that today is Friday,

MG

Rose56

Hi Morning, glad to hear from you this morning. I hope you can have a restful weekend. We must have fun this weekend!!! I am going to see the movie "Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood" this weekedn with my daughter. I read the book and it was great!! Take care.........

Ann

Hi Rose

My son NEVER had those kind of confrontations with my husband..oh they would get miffed with each other, then they would complain to ME, like I could fix it. My son knew, that if he spoke to my husband like he spoke to me sometimes, that he would be instantly booted out. He never spoke to me like that when my husband was around, except once when he didn't know he was there. My husband just looked in the room with that "look" and he stopped an apologized.

I learned to put up boundaries with my son, if the "conversation" gets heated or sarcastic...it is OVER - on the spot. We can talk again when tempers cool.

I agree with JT - just physically remove yourself and let them work it out. Your example will speak for itself.

And have a wonderful vacation in July. You deserve some relaxing, fun, time for yourself.

Hugs