What is wrong with me??? I feel worthless
 

I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like I must be impossible to live with and just a terrible person. I've been trying anything to make my marriage work. I've tried to stop nagging him, I quit asking about AA because I know he thinks it's silly. I quit asking about therapy because I knew he'd always find an excuse not to go. I don't ask him for anything anymore. Every little argument turns into him screaming at me and telling me to "f off" as loud as he can. I can't do anything right for him, ever. He gets especially mad if I bring up that he's slapped me 2-3 times and says I'm a drama queen. He's been drinking at home lately, every couple of weeks, and getting really drink. I've been worried and I probably hover over him trying to make sure he's not going to do it again because I hate it and because he's missed work twice lately.

I've been trying to make it a good christmas, got him and the boys presents and today I baked for the bake sale and we went to our preschooler's christmas show tonight. After we got home and started a fire, he got up and said "I'm nipping out, back in a bit." I kind of panicked and said "where? Are you going to drink?" Because if he was, I wanted to go to my parents'. He started screaming at me, saying he was testing me and I failed, that I'm oppressive and he can't take me anymore. He said probably the only way to get rid of me would be to kill himself. I got really upset, asking how he can be like this to me and what have I done to deserve it. He called me a **** and said he wants to he his own man. He laughed at me when I started sobbing. (The boys are with grandma tonight btw).

I told him he is heartless and he just kept yelling at me to F off. I he said he can't be the man he wants to be with me and with me in his life, that he'll be a better dad if we are divorced. He said I'm not the girl for him.


I work full time, I do all of the cooking/cleaning and taking care of the kids (he does help with the kids sometimes). I don't complain that he's not affectionate. I put up with the yelling. I comfort him when he's a mess. He has zero respect for me. What hurts the most is that after 7 years and two kids, he thinks so little of me that he can treat me this way. I feel like something is seriously wrong with me that I even care what a person like him thinks. But I keep thinking, this person knows me better than anyone, and he can't stand me even after I've stuck by him this long. Am I oppressive because I worry about his drinking? He has a suspended license right now because of drinking, he is a mess when he drinks. What have I done to him to deserve this?


We've been here before, many times. I feel so little confidence. I'm afraid of what my life will be like when we divorce. I don't know what to do. I love my job so much, but I have no support system here (maybe 2 friends), and my family lives two hours away. I don't know what to do, but I'm 32 and I need to be a mom. I've been holding on with a death grip, believing divorce is wrong and bad for my kids. I'm afraid there will be nothing left of me to give if I stay in this. Even now as I write this, I'm thinking "the stuff he says sounds worse on paper. I'm being dramatic. I drive him crazy, maybe I haven't been a good enough wife. Maybe I'm too oppressive." I don't know what I think anymore.

I'm not asking for help. I don't even believe in my own ability to respect myself and get out of here. Any sane person would have left years ago. I just need to calm down because I can't stop crying. He can hurt me so much with his words. What did I do to deserve for this to be my life? I got married too quickly. We had kids too quickly. I wouldn't wish the way I feel right now on anybody.

Just write it here and get it out of your system.
You are not a bad person.
He is out of control. No woman, no person, no child should be subject to or SEE this.
Think of your kids.
Your boys will think this is how men treat women, just as my dad "taught" me (and my mom actually said it...you can't deny a man his drink")
What will your lovely boys believe?
You can't deny a man slapping his women?
Two good friends are a treasure. It's obvious your man is not one of your friends.
I am so terribly sorry you are going through this. You don't need to.

I know, you're absolutely right. When I took the boys to a hotel last weekend while he was drinking, they both kept asking where daddy was. It kills me to think they might blame me for taking them away. But you're right, I often think to the future and imagine them being older and seeing it, seeing him scream at me, and I think about how they'll learn from that (even now), and I think I could be dooming my future grandkids to this same life. Also the insecurity my boys will feel, and probably already do to some extent, with their dad acting this way.

A big sigh and a big hug Emmy. There are people here so much more well spoken than I and with much more experience to help you. I am just sorry. I know what it's like to feel trapped, and neither my AH nor my XAH were abusive. I can't imagine the spot you feel you are in.
Another hug.

You do not deserve this abuse Emmy. You did nothing to cause it either. It is all from his alcoholism. Your children are seeing this and you know if you keep them there, like you said, your grandchildren may be doomed to this life by what your children have witness from their father abusing you physically, verbally, emotionally and spiritually. They may even pick up an addiction as well just to numb their pain of watching daddy treat you so horribly. Those babies are going to grow into young children and they will start using their voices. What if they start talking to you the way Daddy does? What if they say something to him and he hauls off and belts them? You have no idea what he could do to you let alone them in 10 years time! You have to break the cycle and find safety. He's already hit you.

Can you go back to your family? I know you love your job but lets love our self and the children first and foremost. I know this is difficult but I feel like he's a loose cannon after reading your post. You are living in a nightmare.

The problem isn't that there's something wrong with you. The problem is you're trying to have a relationship with an abusive, controlling alcoholic. A relationship with an abusive alcoholic is he11. I know, my parents had a relationship like that.

"I've been holding on with a death grip, believing divorce is wrong and bad for my kids. "

As one who grew up in an environment similar to that of your kids--my father was the abusive alcoholic who abused my mother and his kids--you are doing them no favor to stay in this relationship. As some have already said, the kids are learning that this is what a relationship is like. Is this what you want for your kids?

EmmyG--- feelings of "worthlessness" are a cardinal sign of depression. According to your postings, this has been going on for a long time without any improvement. Hon, you are l iving in an abusive relationship. Over time, an abusive relationship will rob you of your confidence, self-esteem---you begin to doubt your judgement and your abilitues.....and, feelings of shame and worthlessness are very common to the victims in this kind of situation.

Emmy, it is time to get some help. Time to take some first, baby steps. You have written that you are afraid of the future---but, staying in this situation without getting help will not protect you from bad things happening to you and the kids.

Suggested first "baby steps"---- (1) talk to the domestic violence counselors and tell them your story--they have l ots of resources to help you, right at their fingertips. You don't have to go to the shelter to get help--although they will help you in any way that you need. Phone number---1-800-799-SAFE. (2) talk to a lawyer (3) go to an alanon meeting---this will help enormously with your feelings--and, sorting yourself out (4) make an appointment with a counselor for your own support.

I know that the first steps are the hardest--but, you will see that you start to feel better once you start taking some action on your own behalf.

One note of caution---it is not a good idea to confront an alcoholic who is angry and has already shown that he will be physical with you. This will cause the violence to esc alate---alcoholics can be very unpredictable when drunk or when wanting to drink. It is best to detach or leave the premises in such a situation.

dandylion

EmmyG :hug:

You deserve peace, joy, and a stable home for your children. You deserve that....they deserve that.

The conflicts with your husband and in your marriage that result in violence....that is all on him.

You DO NOT deserve to be screamed at. You DO NOT deserve to be hit. None of his behaviors are your fault or are within your control. None. It's like blaming yourself for the weather--not your deal.

Thanks so much, you're all right! How long can you hold out hope that someone is going to change? It becomes silly after awhile. Especially when kids are involved. I work for a law firm, I'm going to get a referral to a family law attorney on Monday and make an appointment. It won't hurt to speak to one. I've also emailed the therapist who we were seeing for awhile because I really liked her and she said if I ever wanted to come see her by myself, to call. She probably knew I wasn't ready then. I feel scared, but I also feel negligent for being here, when it comes to my boys. It's not fair to them and they need me to be mature and stop going back and forth and living in delusion.

This is it exactly. They cannot help themselves in this situation; it's up to you as the adult to look out for them. Growing up in an alcoholic household is incredibly damaging--if you have any doubts, just check out the "Adult Children of Alcoholic Parents" section of the forum here: Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Your kids need ONE sane, mature, loving parent. From what you've posted, it looks like it's up to YOU to provide that. As others have mentioned, Alanon will be tremendously helpful for you. Not sure how old your kids are, but Alateen may be great for them also.

Stop wasting your time on an addict who has no interest in getting sober and put all the energy you've been spending on that into getting a new, healthy life for you and your kids. Others here have done it and so can you.

Wishing you clarity to see your path and strength to follow it.

All wonderful steps forward, Emmy! I'm glad you liked the therapist you have worked with previously. A good relationship there can be invaluable.

One small step at a time!

Emmy,
You sound like a wonderful woman that a rational, non-addict, non-abusive man would be lucky, and appreciative to have. It sure sounds like you really do the best for your children.

The one thing you can't give them is their father sober - that's a choice he had to make for himself. But you can take them out of an environment where their mother is verbally, and potentially physically abuses in front if them. You did nothing to cause his behavior. I've known wonderful, lovely women dating addicts who chose drugs and alcohol over a stable life. I have known upstanding, loving, intelligent, hardworking men whose wivrs chose addiction at the cost of their marriages and children. It's not your fault. It's not something which reflects upon you at all

Your children will go through the normal stages of recovery when you leave. There will be some anger, and there will be tough times. But they will come out of it better for you leaving. The results will not be immediate, but they will come. I'm 30 now and am just getting to the point where I can say I'm "ok." Nobody got me out. Nobody stood up for me and said, "Hey, you're ruining your daughter's life!" I didn't get what your children are getting, and what this is, is a wonderful gift of love. We teach our children by example. You are showing them the worth of a woman, mother, and human being, and THEIR worth. That is HUGE for children of alcoholics. HUGE.

Hi Emmy, just wanted to say that I'm sorry you have to deal with this abusive situation. No wonder you feel down. A marriage can only work with positive input from two people. If your husband isn't on board, then it's not going to get any better, regardless of you working yourself into the ground.
I hope typing out your post helped you relieve some of the depression and stress affecting you.

You haven't done anything. Us alcoholics beat down the ones that are with us. We take you along for the ride and you get the **** end of the stick. We take away your confidence so that we can manipulate you so that we can keep engaging in our addictions. The less confident you are the less likely you are to leave. The more we make you afraid that we are going to leave the more you will just behave the way we want you to and let us keep drinking.

Notice this cycle every time you try to stick up for yourself? We manipulate you so that you think that it is you that is the problem. It's a horrible cycle isn't it and one that isn't easy to get out of.

Truth is we need you guys more than you really need us. You have more power than you think, we just doesn't want you to think you have any.

Being an alcoholic, these posts can be hard for me to read sometimes and even answering them can be even harder. However, I make myself read them and respond if I can. Because admitting that I was that kind of person or could even go back to being that kind of person is scary.

Big hugs to you and I'm keeping you and your kids in my thoughts and prayers. Don't know why, but I am just feeling very emotional today!

Today was quiet and then he went to find his missing belt and he couldn't find it. I told him I saw his pants on the floor behind the door in our room and he started yelling at me saying it was my fault they were left on the floor, that he's sick of his stuff getting messed with. Those pants were on the floor because he was drunk and left them there. Then he just started screaming and he said the only way to escape me is if he kills himself, that he just can't get rid of me. I asked him why he's getting mad at me when I've done nothing to him today and he called me the c word and when I said don't say that he came charging at me and told me to shut up, then left to walk the dogs. I'm packing my bag now. I am supposed to work Monday and I can't afford a hotel for days and I can't commute from my parents. I don't want his issues to cost me my job but on the other hand, I don't feel strong enough to get my own place yet. This sucks, I just want a quiet peaceful life. I've tried SO hard to have a normal family. I cleaned today and tried to make the house nice but he still hates me.

Emmy---your local domestic violence organization can provide a safe place for you to stay until you can get on your feet. They can help you will the other practical issues of life, also.

dandylion

Emmy, this isn't about YOU. It never was. His drinking, his anger, his hatred of life... None of it has anything to do with you. He is an alcoholic and is doing what alcoholics do. You could scrub your floors until the cows come home and it won't make a lick of difference. You can't fix him. You can't fix a marriage that has been ravaged by alcoholism. You just can't, and you shouldn't have to think that you can. You didn't cause any of it, you can't control it. You are being abused, plain and simple. There are people and organizations that can help you. Please get in touch with a domestic violence center as soon as possible.

Hugs, Emmy. Gosh, you need about a billion hugs right now!

That interaction you posted is so familiar to me, it's extremely frustrating and confusing. For a long time, I wondered if I was the crazy one. Or, maybe I was just missing an important piece of the puzzle that would turn my perspective of the situation on its head. At some point though, the dialogue became absurd. Really no other word for it. And, I realized his brain had completely melted. The wires were so mixed up in there that he was just incapable of maintaining simple memories, understanding cause / effect, or problem-solving anything rationally. It was at that point, I started to grieve the loss of my husband. He had abandoned me, but in the most aggressive and antagonistic of ways. I needed to stop engaging with him. That was the only way I could protect myself from his abuse and to keep the interaction from escalating.

After a time, I came to understand that my mere existence in his life was actually enabling his behavior, because I was his scapegoat. So, I left. I did it to try to help him, to remove myself as his scapegoat for all things bad in his life, but he just found another one. When I left, I was scared and heartbroken, confused and disoriented. But, slowly, my eyes were opening to the truth of my situation. I was not the crazy one, and he had left me long before I got desparate enough to try leaving him. (BTW, my life is much more peaceful and fulfilling now!)

Emmy, have you been to AlAnon, or read any of the AlAnon literature? Have you read the threads on "Quackers"? You will save some of your sanity if you learn to recognize when your AH is blowing steam your way. Do not engage in the dialogue during those moments. Do not rebut his ridiculous verbal attacks and blameshifting. Walk away. And, try not to take it personally. You could be Queen of Sheba and he would still treat you the same way. You are his current scapegoat.

Wishing you strength and peace,
Fathom

Thank you so much for the support.

I downloaded "Why Does He Do That" tonight and I've been reading it ever since. What I am doing now is trying to break free of the mental prison I'm in and the thinking that has kept me here, and just open my eyes fully. I'm not crying, just thinking about how to get me and the kids out of here. I feel that he is just gone now. I see what's happening...he wants to be alone so he can drink. After his last binge and his promises to get help, he knows he doesn't want to stop. I'm in his way. I need to get over being sad about this marriage not working and just accept it for what it is. The only thing I care about now is the kids and I'm just bummed that I'll have to deal with him regularly, but that can all be worked out.