What does the brain say?

Old 12-20-2013, 11:06 AM
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What does the brain say?

I'm just being silly, I heard that "What does the fox say?" song and thought "that's about what my brain says..." so now I walk around singing "what does the brain say?"...

And I wanted to share what my brain says, because I don't really think I'm that terribly unique and I thought maybe it would be comforting for someone else who thinks they're crazy to know that hey, if they ARE crazy, at least they're not alone...

So I had to face AXH in court again. I handle the actual court part OK. But what happens is -- I call it "forced codie relapse" because I can't choose to NOT appear in court, and at the same time, it kicks my PTSD into high gear and I spend anywhere from a couple of days to a couple of weeks after each encounter having a fistfight within myself.

Here's what the brain says:

"OMG. Did you see him? Did you see the wreck he has become? You know, he could be right. Maybe you really did leave him without warning. For no reason. Take the kids away from him. Maybe you are exaggerating how bad it was. Making things up. Blowing things out of proportion. Maybe he never really did rape you, it was just that you weren't clear that you didn't want to. Maybe he wasn't abusive, like he says. Maybe you just didn't make it clear to him that you didn't like it when he yelled at you and called you names. Maybe you should have explained better when he woke you up at 3 am to give you the Spanish Inquisition about that new guy int he office that he was sure you had an affair with. So that he wouldn't have had to do that. You and he were the only ones who were there. On the inside of the marriage. How can you trust that you're right? How do you know that he's not right and that you're not the one who's delusional?"

That's what my brain says. Insert panic attacks and hyperventilating and 3,000 pound lead guilt on head here.

In reality, I know that he is the delusional one. There are several criminal court decisions to prove it. And civil. I know that. When I don't have to see him, I can live in the real world where things make sense. But the second I have to see him -- I'm pulled right the eff back into the shadow world of manipulation and control and gas lighting that he created.

There's no point to this post. I know this happens every time. Some times it's easier to snap back than others. Right now I'm having a rough time seeing clearly. But I just wanted to share. Four years after the divorce, I'm still fighting these demons. And it's OK. Because it gets better. All the time.
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Old 12-20-2013, 11:31 AM
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Thanks for sharing this, lillamy. Now I have that song stuck in my head! But that's good, I think, to recognize the crazytalk that our brains sometimes feed us, and to give it a singsongy beat. Good for you in identifying what's true and what's not.

The quote beneath your signature is a good reminder: Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable.
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Old 12-20-2013, 11:32 AM
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Thanks, lillamy (LOVE that character, btw). I have been going through some of the same stuff for the last week.

I also go a little further sometimes, by telling myself that maybe, even if I don't deserved it, I should have stood by him since he has so many problems and issues, such a rotten childhood, etc. I am embarrassed to tell my family about these thoughts, good to know I am not alone in this. Hugs!
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Old 12-20-2013, 11:50 AM
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Ha! That song is in my head now too. He's delusional. You made the right choice, don't look back.
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Old 12-20-2013, 12:17 PM
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When the brain talks like this - pretend you only here Charlie Brown's teacher.

Charlie Brown Teacher Speaking - YouTube

Not trying to make light of your situation at all. I wonder if this type of doubt and reaction is part of the codie issues or if it is more akin to brainwashing.

My brain talks to me like this on the hour. Every.Single.Day. I haven't left yet, but it is one of the things I am hoping resolves itself with distance.
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Old 12-20-2013, 12:19 PM
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I'm gonna need you to go ahead and stop reading my thoughts mmmkkkay?

Good for you tho on recognizing the thought patterns and taking steps to tell those thoughts where to go stick it.
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Old 12-20-2013, 01:38 PM
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Sorry, fed up, they were so loud...
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Old 12-20-2013, 03:18 PM
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You nailed it, Lillamy. After my XAH does something nice, which he has been lately, those very same thoughts that you describe go round and round my head like a virus that no antibiotic will cure.

I KNOW better. But I STILL find myself responding as if I was wrong and single-handedly destroyed the marriage of the universe and caused HIM so much pain that I should make amends....

The worst recently was when he wanted to commission me to design a ring with a chocolate diamond for his new lady who "made me feel fabulous, exactly like I felt when I met you 20 years ago"... Eventually I responded that brown diamonds used to be considered debris after the real diamonds are found and cut, and most of the stones marketed as "chocolate diamonds" are really just quartz. I've had to be in contact over the last financial items fom the divorce, and, like you, it stirs up stuff that should just stay on the bottom of the emotional ocean floor.

Like you, it still takes me 2 days to 2 weeks to get that virus out of my head and get back to real.

Need to find the "What does the fox say" song.

When I visited Texas, being from the Northeast, I was very surprised to see roads with dips in them that were like very deep gulleys. When I asked why there were yardsticks stuck in the gulleys, some of them over 6 feet tall, I was told that it was so that drivers during flashfloods would know how deep the water was as it raged through those gulleys that had looked like such innocent dips in the road. Sometimes cars got carried away in those torrents and people drowned.

In New England, we would have built little bridges over them so that the road bed remained level.

That's how I still feel now and then. Like I thought the road was level now, didn't see the dip, or thought it was non-consequential, only to watch myself wash away in that unexpected current of emotions.

Hammer, I'm just waiting for the repartee response from the Texan engineer that I know you are.....

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Old 12-21-2013, 01:29 AM
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I can't even begin to express how much I needed to read your post, Lillamy. Thank you. It does help to know that it's not just me having those thoughts reverberating every now and then. Especially the maybe I just wasn't clear part.
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Old 12-21-2013, 01:55 AM
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This isn't just about things with my A. It's every stinkin thing in my life. What if I was wrong? What if I said something and nobody wants to tell me because I'm such a horrible person and now I've caused xyz to happen and- JUST.SHUT.UP.ALREADY. I hate my brain.
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Old 12-21-2013, 06:20 AM
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Grits, you know what I've discovered? (And I'm saying this because I know you're an ACOA and I'm not.) The ONLY time I obsessively second-guess myself is when it has to do with AXH.

For example -- he was supposed to get a copy of one of our kids' medical test results (don't ask me why, he doesn't know a thyroid from a hemorrhoid, but I digress). It was established with the lab that they e-mail it to two e-mail addresses, every time. Last two times, they didn't. And he's being paranoid and claiming I'm trying to deliberately keep important information from him when, in reality, it was someone at the lab probably thinking for themselves and going "I see no reason to waste 4 more seconds to type in a second e-mail address here" and that was it.

So do I see it that way? No!!! I have anxiety attacks about the next round of tests that we're doing this weekend -- what if they don't send them to him? What if he thinks I'm deliberately screwing with him? What if he takes that to court and gets full custody of the children (yes, because that'll happen *rolling my eyes at myself*).

My point?

It's the influence of the alcoholic in my life, the way I have incorporating his criticism of my every move, every thought, every action -- THAT is what's making me insecure and taking on the blame for everything on my shoulders.

Just thought I'd share that little bit too.
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Old 12-21-2013, 06:37 AM
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Loved your post because the brain also fascinates me on how it "tricks" us because it doesn't know any better! It's just an organ and chemicals that dumps how it has been trained to dump chemicals our whole life!

Have any of you been reading Dr. Amen's stuff? Change your brain and change your life and other books and articles? Controversial and it is all being sorted out but in the coming years we will be unraveling mysteries of our brains and our responses and behaviors with greater understanding.

It has always helped me to understand that what we "feel" isn't always what is true about ourselves or the situation at hand. Our perceptions our so biased by so many things and our family of origin and brain chemical responses in highly emotional relationships make it complicated.

Divorcing emotion and becoming more logical in reacting to the A's who are so toxic and manipulative because they KNOW exactly how to hit the buttons that cause our brains to dump the chemicals that get us anxious and second guessing!

When we know the brain is being "stupid" and our feelings are not valid or warranted can stop the chemical dump that causes the "feelings" or anxiety.

This has happened for me and I was one sick puppy and so entrenched with my XA that I still wonder at the insanity of it all. I am free... my brain has been retrained and I am good now! Daily reading here, alanon and just living a life of peace and serenity with my HP did the trick.

Time... time is our friend and stopping the brain in its tracks... what we think we become. Have to cast down the thoughts immediately and NOT entertain them to retrain the brain.
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Old 12-21-2013, 02:06 PM
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I understand where you're coming from. And my anxiety issues definitely stem from my FOO and my AM. I was at fault for everything. I was a disappointment and not good enough, and I was led to believe that *I* was the crazy one. I know what living with an A for any length of time can do to your mind. It's awful and no one deserves it.
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