Greensleeves

Hello,

This is my first time to start a thread, so I hope I did it correctly. I'm a double winner, and my sister is an active A. She will be alone for the holidays this year (in another city). She recently quit her job and shares custody with her children, and she won't see them on Christmas day. My parents each have their own plans in other cities; they've invited her to join them but she declined. My parents encouraged me to ask her to my home.

We had planned on a quiet Christmas with just our immediate family. I feel like the right thing is to invite her so she won't be alone, but I was really looking forward to celebrating quietly and without any drama. My husband and I will be one year sober in January. What should I do?

SparkleKitty

Have the holiday you want to have. If you will be consumed with guilt for NOT inviting her, then invite her (but have an escape plan if there is drama). She had offers and declined, which might tell you she is all right being alone on Christmas. She is also capable of checking with you herself to see if you all want to be together, and she has not done that either. Life's too short to invite drama into your lives.

Congratulations on your almost-one-year-sober-together. That is a remarkable accomplishment!

BlueSkies1

I agree with Sparkle--especially about the part where your parents intervene about you and your sister.
You and your sister are both grown adults. Your parents need not intervene.
Should you or your sister wish to reach out to each other, then you will, all grown up like you are, and knowing how to use the telephone without your parent's help!

But back about what you want.
If you don't want her there--don't! Guilt-free! She's all grown up and knows how to find an open bar even on Christmas, if she must be at it that day. I'm not trying to be snotty, I'm being realistic...if she doesn't want to be alone, she won't be.

Greensleeves

Thank you, SparkleKitty and BlueSkies. You're both right to point out that my sister and I are adults with the power to pick up the phone of our own volition. I needed reminding that she's an adult, too, and can reach out to me if she wishes. It always seems like the other way around, and our parents have fed into that dynamic ("you really should call your sister"--spoken to me). I suppose I need to allow her to take responsibility too, and remember that the phone lines go both ways.

lillamy

Says who? She's been invited to celebrate Christmas (= not be alone) with two different parts of the family and declined. If she was concerned about not being alone, she could have taken either of those offers.

That trumps any guilt your (codependent) parents are trying to push onto you by "encouraging" you to invite her.

Celebrate Christmas with your husband and let your sister take care of herself would be my choice. And congratulations on a year sober.

Leana

I would say have your quiet family Christmas. Why don't you encourage your parents to invite her along with them?

Edit: Sorry you answered that (she declined), I read the post to fast. But I still agree- have the Christmas you want not the Christmas you feel guilted into having

Greensleeves

Thanks lillamy and Leana. I think my family would be really disappointed if I changed our plans and invited a houseguest. I also need to remember that I'm not responsible for ensuring a good Christmas for my sister. It's hard, though. I've been taught that what's right is to reach out, always, and to extend love regardless. It gets cloudy for me in situations like this and I end up confused about what is right and good.

ShootingStar1

What's most important is you and your husband's sobriety, and the fact that you are knitting together your immediate family again with community and without alcohol.

You don't need to invite the wolf into your den, even if your parents want to pretend its only a sheep.

Have a quiet, peaceful and celebratory Christmas!

ShootingStar1