Questions about Children
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,427
Hi crazed;
I know you have good intentions here and want to help.
I grew up with a single alcoholic mother and I was extremely damaged from it.
Part of that was serious anger and hurt. That just doesn't go away
when mom goes into recovery.
Also, I didn't trust my mother would say recovered and after years of sucker punches
when I would open myself to her during her sober moments I learned better through pain
it was a bad idea.
So I understand their reactions, quite frankly, to their mother now.
Her recovery is her own as is theirs. But I don't think they are being selfish.
Just trying to be safe. When you grow up unsafe you do that.
Try to understand that it isn't their job to make her feel better.
She did some serious damage and that doesn't go away with her remorse
and a relatively short period of recovery. You choose to be there as an adult
but the kids were trapped. It is a horrible, helpless, feeling to grow up with.
Take care and best wishes in your own recovery as well.
I know you have good intentions here and want to help.
I grew up with a single alcoholic mother and I was extremely damaged from it.
Part of that was serious anger and hurt. That just doesn't go away
when mom goes into recovery.
Also, I didn't trust my mother would say recovered and after years of sucker punches
when I would open myself to her during her sober moments I learned better through pain
it was a bad idea.
So I understand their reactions, quite frankly, to their mother now.
Her recovery is her own as is theirs. But I don't think they are being selfish.
Just trying to be safe. When you grow up unsafe you do that.
Try to understand that it isn't their job to make her feel better.
She did some serious damage and that doesn't go away with her remorse
and a relatively short period of recovery. You choose to be there as an adult
but the kids were trapped. It is a horrible, helpless, feeling to grow up with.
Take care and best wishes in your own recovery as well.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
Dear Crazed:
I am glad that you posted. As others have said, I hope that you realize that the passion in some of the replies is due to being trigger by reading your post. Growing up in an alcoholic home can affect you for a lifetime. I am in my early 50's, my parents divorced when I was 15, and my alcoholic father passed away three years ago. Lots of therapy and working on my own recovery has helped me a great deal, but I still struggle with the effects. So do my brother and did my recently deceased sister.
If you talk to my mother, she swears that she protected us from the actions of our dad and that we were unaware. It is not true. A home with an alcoholic affects EVERYONE in the home. The chaos, the inconsistency, the blaming yourself, the embarrassment, the secrets, the wanting to fix things, the wanting to be NORMAL. The alcoholic also consumes so much of the family's energy and focus. Not only was my dad not available, but my mother wasn't available because she was constantly thinking about my father.
After they divorced, we would still see my father on a semi-regular basis. Mostly on holidays and birthdays. Each Christmas he would "surprise" us by taking us to the home of his newest girlfriend. They were all nice enough. I actually remember feeling sorry for them because they obviously had yet to see his true colors. These gatherings were painful because it just reinforced how messed up my family was. There are no Norman Rockwell paintings of having Christmas breakfast in an efficiency apartment with dad drinking a beer and a stranger trying to be nice to you.
I think it was wonderful that you were able to be in her daughter's lives for as long as you were and I hope that being with you and your extended family gave them some sense of what a "normal" family could be like. I can tell you that I have wonderful memories of spending time with the families of my friends.
I don't think you should take it personally that the girls are not communicating with you anymore. Teens and young adults tend to pull away from their family because they are trying to create their own identity. You are their mom's ex-boyfriend. Their connection with you was through their mom. Things are complicated enough in divorced families. I would give these girls a break. Also, even if you feel like you helped raise them they are not your children and you do not have a right to say anything to them about their behavior.
My father never did stop drinking. As I said above, he passed away three years ago. He was only 71 years old and he died from complications of spending most of his life drinking and smoking in bars.
For most of my life we had a superficial relationship. I ended up moving to another state and would try to visit with him every couple of years. We had a couple periods of time when we were estranged. This happened after I got one too many drunken phones calls telling me how much he loved me. I did help find a nursing home for him when he could no longer take care of himself. I think I was finally able to forgive him before he died, but boy did it take a lot of work on my part.
My mom remarried and the home that she created with my stepfather was peaceful and secure. When we saw my father it was a reminder of our chaotic past. Something that I wanted to forget.
Mostly wanted to just shared my experience. Sorry if I rambled a bit.
I am sorry that you are hurting.
I can understand your desire to continue to protect and help your ex-girlfriend, but this is really a path that she will have to walk alone. The relationship between her and her daughters is something that THEY will have to work out over the course of their lifetimes.
I too would recommend Al-Anon for you.
Take Care,
db
I am glad that you posted. As others have said, I hope that you realize that the passion in some of the replies is due to being trigger by reading your post. Growing up in an alcoholic home can affect you for a lifetime. I am in my early 50's, my parents divorced when I was 15, and my alcoholic father passed away three years ago. Lots of therapy and working on my own recovery has helped me a great deal, but I still struggle with the effects. So do my brother and did my recently deceased sister.
If you talk to my mother, she swears that she protected us from the actions of our dad and that we were unaware. It is not true. A home with an alcoholic affects EVERYONE in the home. The chaos, the inconsistency, the blaming yourself, the embarrassment, the secrets, the wanting to fix things, the wanting to be NORMAL. The alcoholic also consumes so much of the family's energy and focus. Not only was my dad not available, but my mother wasn't available because she was constantly thinking about my father.
After they divorced, we would still see my father on a semi-regular basis. Mostly on holidays and birthdays. Each Christmas he would "surprise" us by taking us to the home of his newest girlfriend. They were all nice enough. I actually remember feeling sorry for them because they obviously had yet to see his true colors. These gatherings were painful because it just reinforced how messed up my family was. There are no Norman Rockwell paintings of having Christmas breakfast in an efficiency apartment with dad drinking a beer and a stranger trying to be nice to you.
I think it was wonderful that you were able to be in her daughter's lives for as long as you were and I hope that being with you and your extended family gave them some sense of what a "normal" family could be like. I can tell you that I have wonderful memories of spending time with the families of my friends.
I don't think you should take it personally that the girls are not communicating with you anymore. Teens and young adults tend to pull away from their family because they are trying to create their own identity. You are their mom's ex-boyfriend. Their connection with you was through their mom. Things are complicated enough in divorced families. I would give these girls a break. Also, even if you feel like you helped raise them they are not your children and you do not have a right to say anything to them about their behavior.
My father never did stop drinking. As I said above, he passed away three years ago. He was only 71 years old and he died from complications of spending most of his life drinking and smoking in bars.
For most of my life we had a superficial relationship. I ended up moving to another state and would try to visit with him every couple of years. We had a couple periods of time when we were estranged. This happened after I got one too many drunken phones calls telling me how much he loved me. I did help find a nursing home for him when he could no longer take care of himself. I think I was finally able to forgive him before he died, but boy did it take a lot of work on my part.
My mom remarried and the home that she created with my stepfather was peaceful and secure. When we saw my father it was a reminder of our chaotic past. Something that I wanted to forget.
Mostly wanted to just shared my experience. Sorry if I rambled a bit.
I am sorry that you are hurting.
I can understand your desire to continue to protect and help your ex-girlfriend, but this is really a path that she will have to walk alone. The relationship between her and her daughters is something that THEY will have to work out over the course of their lifetimes.
I too would recommend Al-Anon for you.
Take Care,
db
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Crazed, when children grow up in a dysfunctional family, they have to develop survival tools. When our boundaries have been constantly trampled on, we end up erecting steel walls to save our souls. It never fails to amaze me the selfishness of alcoholics and their enablers to continue to demand special treatment from the very children that they abused. The other day my mother gave me the wrath for not taking off from work to take her shopping. Seriously. My father agreed with her. Just because we are your children, our relationship is a two-way street. (especially when we are adults) Frankly, I am very cordial with a lot of my extended family because I believe they were fully aware of the chaos and stress my sister and I lived through, yet they did nothing to help us. So, you reap what you sow . . . .
Please, please do not diminish what these poor girls have lived through. If you acknowledge their pain and take full responsibility for your part in enabling it, you may have a chance for a relationship with them.
Just be proud that at a young age they have found the resources and strength to take care of themselves and protect themselves from the insanity. It has taken me 43 years to finally start taking care of my needs before my crazy parents' demands.
Please, please do not diminish what these poor girls have lived through. If you acknowledge their pain and take full responsibility for your part in enabling it, you may have a chance for a relationship with them.
Just be proud that at a young age they have found the resources and strength to take care of themselves and protect themselves from the insanity. It has taken me 43 years to finally start taking care of my needs before my crazy parents' demands.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Originally Posted by Crazed 
Thanks for the advice, for those that are really trying to help without harsh judgement.
When we spend so much time catering to the needs of others and we feel stressed we also often feel our efforts are not bringing us the results we seek and feel judged.
It would be no benefit to you if we didn't point out what we observe with what you share.
Posts you made days ago even you pointed out your codependency, so why hearing it from others is it now harsh?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
