OnawaMiniya

Hi all.

I know everyone is busy with the holiday season, and many of you are struggling during the holidays because of alcoholics. I hope things are running as smoothly as as peacefully as possible for all of you. Thank you for everything I've learned, am learning, and for always being there with support and concern.

I feel sorry of silly even posting this. Usually I deal with it on my own (actually have been to a counselor a few times now, LOVE her).

The reason I'm asking for encouragement and support is that I know I must leave my husband. I've known that. It will take me a chunk of time to get to a place where that is possible. The biggest reason for this is that my health is not so good (serious chronic pain and degeneration, mobility/physical ability to be active impacted. If you need/want more info just ask).

I'm not able to do jobs I used to do that earn me enough money to at least rent a room somewhere, especially with a dog (I know some people will understand that and some won't, but I'm NOT losing her, and that's not a negotiable position for me).

I tend to get promoted to management positions, and I'm sure I could be again if I find a job with room to move up (hence, better pay), though that takes a while. Though frustrating, taking time to be promoted and earn more money isn't my biggest concern, actually - it's being able to physically work full/over time. A part time job isn't going to cut it.

My last job, I worked A LOT, and in a somewhat stressful position requiring fast thinking, little room for error, unpredictable hours, being so busy there LITERALLY WASN'T TIME TO PEE, and taking a lunch break wasn't an option 99% of the time. Unless you count shoveling food into my mouth quickly while working so I could get back to the work I was still doing lol.

Point is, my husband has hurt me so much. Been so cruel and abusive. I take responsibility for my poor choice in marrying him. Doesn't mean I'm not still disgusted at his behaviors. Maybe once I've left him, which I will be doing as soon as I can, I will talk more in depth about the things he has done to me. He really can be a monster. And though I know I will eventually be leaving him, the thing that's so hard for me now is the wait.

This isn't just someone I'm annoyed at, someone who "just isn't for me", etc. This is one abusive *******. A liar. A coward who can't face anything, and who I have zero respect for. Getting through every day living with this ******* is such a struggle because I'm done in my mind, and just thoroughly repulsed by him. Yet, if I display those feelings, inevitably it makes life with him more stressful, as then there is more fightibyng, etc. So, I'm doing my best to be pleasant, to avoid adding even more stress to this awful situation. For MY sake, mind you.

I have $50 stashed. Not much, I know, but I've got to start somewhere. I just moved, so hopefully I can find a job around here. Once all of the stuff is out of storage and into the apartment, whether I have a job or not, I'm thinking I'm going to post an ad to be a live-in cook. With a dog (With everything out of storage, I can go through my stuff, whittle it down to the bare minimum, maybe sell some things I don't need.) If I could get a job doing that, it'd really speed up the time it would take to get away from my soon to be ex husband. Wow, that felt surprisingly good to write lol.

Any tips for making it through, when you know it's over, but can't leave immediately? Ways to make it easier to be pleasant for the sake of avoiding the creation of more drama and chaos, when I've been so abused by this SOB?

(Also, anyone have suggestions on how to stash away cash and important documents, etc? Do you trust security deposit boxes? I was ready to get one but read horror stories about other people with boxes stealing! I need to call the local post office, ask about cost per year or however that goes, and make sure I don't get mail regarding it that he could see.)

Thanks for listening, sorry I kinda rambled on there...part request for help, part vent, I guess! Thank you for any advice or tips you may have.

Peace.

Seren

I know, Onawa, that you like so very much to be strong, to keep your privacy and work to take care of the problems in your life on your own.

I hope that now you will try to reach out a bit and allow people to assist you IRL.

Have you been able to make copies of your important papers? Things like about 3 or 4 years worth of your tax returns, your birth certificate, a photocopy of your drivers license, your passport if you have one, a copy of your marriage license, etc.

Yes, a safe deposit box in your name would be very, very useful. You are the only one who would have access to it. Bank employees cannot even access them without another bank employee present. When you take out a box, you will need to sign on the line of a signature card. Each time you access the box, you will sign on a log sheet. No one else can have access to it's contents but you or with your explicit written permission (I used to work at a bank).

Stung

I pretty much do everything electronically and store all of my important documents in Dropbox (tax returns, w-2s, 1099s, copies of SSN cards, etc.) and I can access them virtually from anywhere, anytime I need to. Obviously that won't work with birth certs or passports though. I would think storing those in a safe deposit box would be secure though.

Good luck to you in your job hunt! I hope you find something that suits your abilities and desired income.

JustAGirl1971

I'm sorry OnawaMiniya I don't have any advice. I'm in a holding pattern, too. Saving for when AH moves out and waiting for him to save enough to move out (or maybe I'm saving enough to move him out!) Either way, I totally relate on the dog. My cats are my babies and no way would I leave without them!!

TheMs

OnawaMiniya, I am so sorry - I don't know the answer to your question. I just want to send my support your way. I was in the same situation as you, and thought I had been clever in packing stuff, adding files to online storage like Stung mentioned. When I actually left, I was too scared to wake him up by dragging my stuff down the stairs so I left them there.

Please, please be careful and consider having the police present when you do move out.

Hugs!

dandylion

Onawa---have you ever talked to a domestic violence counselor. They exist to help with your kind of situation. By your post---you certainly qualify. You can talk to them in complete confidence, and they have sources for help at their fingertips.

Here is a number that can get you started---1-800-799-SAFE

dandylion

Seren

Hello Onawa,

Perhaps pack up and move just a little bit at a time, and once you get to the point where what you need to move will be obvious, you can do so when he is not at home. I do recommend, of course, that your 'final' move involve friends to make it quick and to provide protection in case he unexpectedly returns in the middle of the move.

Do you have a bank account (checking or savings) in your name only? Do you have anything that you can sell on E-Bay to help you add to your current funds?

formyboys

are you able to get spousal support where you live? In Calif. 10 yrs or more is considered long term and spousal support is awarded. If so, get and keep in a safe place, one of his check stubs....I know this sounds shadey and kind of dramatic but it has all the info the courts would need, wages, social sec. # etc.
I hope everything works out...I have found that its not easy but things really do fall into place. Maybe not the place you expected but they fall just the same.

Ruby2

I don't know whether this will help but might provide some food for thought. When AH relapsed and started doing his usual shady stuff like stealing my ATM card and making hay with the money I opened a second checking account and was intending to move all my stuff into that account. I did open it but the problem I ran into was that the bank would not send the paperwork to a different address despite my explanation of why I needed that done. I got around the problem because I am named on my parents checking account "just in case" something happens to them (my mother is a worry wort) and I need to gain access to their account to pay their bills, etc. because I was listed on their account I could have my paperwork sent to their house. If you do decide to open a new account is there someone you trust who could be put on the account in name only so that your paperwork could go there? I am unsure how post office boxes work though. Maybe the bank would accept that?

I am in the "move a little at a time" group with a final push with friends/family/police present, especially if AH is volatile and unpredictable.

OnawaMiniya

Thank you so much, everyone, for the supportive words and good advice.

Can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

Tomorrow is our one year anniversary...well, today, really, it's past midnight where I live. Hooray.


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Seren- You're right, I am fiercely private, to an unhealthy degree at times, and I'm stubborn about wanting to handle everything on my own. I've been through a good amount of difficulties in life and I am usually able to deal with it pretty well on my own...but I'm not good at reaching out when it really is too much. It makes me embarrassed, which is stupid, I know.

I am seeing a counselor now which has actually been really helpful.

Yes, I do have my own checking account. He could check it though, and he knows about how much money I have always due to current circumstances. So I think a SDbox is the way to go for me.

A visit to the counselor ended up costing less than I thought, so I pocketed the extra money (and told her so, and she was glad and told me to keep doing it lol), and then lucked out and was able to squirrel away another $30 after that. I'm looking for a job and then it'll be much easier to hide away some money. For now, I can do things like get a little bit of cash back when grocery shopping to tuck away, things like that. When I go see a doctor for my physical issues I intend to say it costs more than it does as well. If I get medication from the doctor, I can do the same.

Thank you for all of your advice and for the insider info from working at a bank, it's much appreciated.

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Stung- I like that idea of Dropbox, I'll have to look into it. That sounds very convenient to be able to access it any time and place. Thanks for the well wishes, too.

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JustAGirl1971- Thank you for your well wishes and I'm sorry you are in the same position. A holding pattern - that made me chuckle, thanks But hey, there's a lot to look forward to after this, isn't there? After darkness, light. Thanks for relating as far as pets go. I love my dog so much. And she loves me so much, too. Couldn't imagine having to give her up!

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TheMs- Thank you for reaching out to offer empathy, and I'm so sorry you were once in this position. How horrible to be too frightened to get your things...big ******{hugs}}}} to you. I'm so sorry that things were that bad. And so happy for you that you had the strength to leave. That's awesome and inspiring

And thank you (and everyone else) for advising me to have someone present. It's gonna be weird, because we live where he works (he's maintenance at an apartment complex). So it will be tricky - if I leave while he's working, the office staff is here, people are out and about (and I'm friendly with several of the neighbors already, and obviously he knows a lot of the tenants here), and he will definitely see me doing it.

If I leave on the weekend, the staff isn't here, but still tenants will see the drama.

I'm thinking I might have to sneak out during the night...hopefully he will be drunk and passed out, and not wake up.

It's not so much that I care if tenants or office staff see me leave him; it's that if he handles it by losing his mind, it would make me worry that his job would be on the line. When I leave, I'm hoping he's still employed here in good standing, because if he's down and out by then, or soon after I leave, he will have nothing else to do with his time than harass me. So I want to avoid as much drama as possible when leaving.

That also makes me hesitant to involve police, though I want to...maybe I can get some friends involved... Again, if he does anything to threaten his job, he will have more time to bother me. And I'm already afraid...I'm praying he doesn't pull some crazy angry stalker thing. He's hurt me before. I know that leaving can often be the most dangerous time for someone's safety when getting out of an abusive relationship...ugh.

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dandylion- Thank you for the number. I've looked into it in the past, but never too deeply as having a dog was always a problem. However, I'm glad you brought it up because it's worth looking into more deeply, there are other things besides shelter that they may be able to help me with, after all... When he goes back to work Monday, I'll give that number a call.

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formyboys- You know, he's such a **** that it crossed my mind to just stay for ten years, just to get support and some social security when I'm older, LOL! As far as I've been able to research, having only been married a year, I can't get spousal support But you know what? The jerk has a child that he doesn't have anything to do with, he doesn't even pay child support! In fact, he's so tired of hearing me say that he really should be paying, that now he straight up insists he doesn't have a child! What kind of crazy **** is that?!?! Like I'm going to go,"Oh! Well, never mind then!" So I wouldn't get anything from him, anyway. He has literally built a shack in the wilderness before, he's a lunatic. He would do anything to not pay me, including dropping off the grid so he doesn't get paychecks in his name. Believe it. Lol.

Thank you for the encouragement. I'm a lot less scared of how things will work out once I leave than I was to start. It can't be worse than this!

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Ruby2- That's s good idea, with the PO box, thank you! I'm going to look into that. I'd prefer to keep important papers and items in a safety deposit box (including pictures I have taken of my physical injuries over this post year...), but I'd prefer to put cash in an account if I can. If like to switch banks anyway because of the monthly fee at mine. I could use that as an excuse/opportunity to open a secret account without looking suspicious by being gone too long. Yes, he'd wonder what I was doing. You know, because I just give him SO MANY REASONS to be suspicious of me. Well, that's the logic of a guilty person I suppose...
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Thank you again, everyone. It means a lot to me to have support and people on my side, as I find it incredibly difficult to reach out. Sorry this is so long. Hope you are all having a peaceful night and that you have a great day. Take CARE of yourselves.

Peace.

OnawaMiniya

Oh dear HEAVENS, this is gonna be the longest feeling wait of my life, isn't it?

Literally starting a drunken fight with me within a minute of me walking out of the bedroom! Had been in there while he was drinking.

Someone tell me how much better their life is now that they have left....I need something to look forward to....

Peace.