I feel like I'm a widower
 

I just want my old husband back, and I want him to give me a hug and tell me that everything is going to be okay. But I know things will never be the same. My old husband, Pre-addiction husband, is gone forever. I hate this new person that he is now.

I'm so sorry, Stung. Sending hugs.....

Sending you lots of hugs and support. I know how hard it is, so many of us have been there or are there with you today. Just know that you are not alone!

Stung...I think all of us can relate...

There is a Beetles song that goes something like this......"You can't always get what you want...but, sometimes, ....we get what we need....

dandylion

Al-anon literature has a great book called "Opening our Hearts, Transforming our Losses" that is essentially about the process of grief resulting from the loss of the version of a person we had or wished to have, that we no longer have. It is a wonderful resource through this agony of pain.

Sending encouragement,
CLMI

From observation -- down range.

Having now studied a few hundred of *us*

Seems to go like this:

1. What was. We then thought it "normal." Now we look back at like it was a happy dream.

2. Zombie. Where you are at now. Sort of looks like what was . . . but it aint.

What comes next . . .

3a. They keep drinking, drugging, die, and/or we dump em.

or

3b. They stop drinking, drugging, etc., and turn into a very nasty hostile person -- a dry drunk. Who may relapse.

or

3c. They stop drinking, drugging, and actually really work a/the program. They turn into really nice folks who are actually better than we started with. And hopefully *we* are working a/the program as well, and the same can be said of us.

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So what is ahead for you? Rehab from what I follow for you all is next. And then await your prize from behind door 3.

In that about the only thing you can do is really work YOUR program, and hope and pray HE does the same.

Happy Trails to You.

Stung, I relate to what you are going through. I used to want that so much from my AXB and sadly, I learned to not expect a thing as he was just not capable of giving. The progression of the disease is so heart breaking. It's important to remember to take care of you during these times. Try to find something you enjoy that will bring you peace and some serenity. How does he react to you if you talk to him about your needs? My AXB would get hostile. Just wondering if they all act that way. Wish they could see what they are doing to themselves and those around them.

Today was a rough day, on top of a few rough months. Today I learned that my two year old officially has a speech delay rather than a hearing issue, and it makes me feel like I've failed her somehow. I know everything will be okay, but I just wish I wasn't doing everything entirely on my own.

Hammer, I'll take what's behind door #3 please! Last week when he was sober for a few days I had 3b. I was not a fan. :/ I'll take 3c or fly solo.

Suncatcher, right now he tells me what he thinks I want to hear. I told him about DD and he asked what he could do to help, said that he'll do anything. Uh, hello, earth to AH, you can't even take care of yourself, how are you going to help me with DD?! A month ago he told me I was picking on her and he insisted that she was "perfect." Yes, voicing my concerns about her enunciating words to the pediatrician certainly comes across as picking on her.

I feel for you. I find the constant reminders of who my AW used to be are the hardest. She's moving out soon so asked for our photos/videos to be put on a DVD so she can have a copy.....I ended up watching a few home movies from xmas 2003/4/5 - She looks so similar....yet it's not her. She has lost the sparkle in her eye, the easy smile....the excited young person opening gifts.

They have died....yet you have to live with the corpse which still can pull of a good impression of the old them from time to time.

Dandylion, please don't think I'm being a know-it-all, but that song's by The Rolling Stones. LOL

Yeah, we have done a year of mostly 3b, Dry Drunk. She is back from Rehab a year, now. Just mentioning that because folks (like me, and even some A's who visit here, like DoubleBarrel), have a hard time scoping how long getting better can take.

Mrs. Hammer is looking better with the kids (mentioning that because I know that is most important to you, too), and she is so-so with me. She has not had a Scream Fit in a couple of months.

She is still having the Lying stuff on-and-off. And a really bizarre episode last weekend where she was going on that I must be having an affair when I would not tell her details of an Alanon event I was going to.

Was going into some Lying stuff yesterday morning. With the Lies, now I just present the truth. That is one of my boundaries. Told her it looked Dry Drunk, asked her to get a strong local sponsor, really work the program, and get competent help.

She resents that pretty hard, she will or she will not, but that is not my problem.

Agree on 3c or Solo. Once you work the Program, you are not likely want nor tolerate less.

:MusBand::MusBand:OOOPS!!!! Thanks, readerbaby. The stones are my favorite rock group (of all time). You are absolutely right.......I must be getting feeble-minded......

No offense taken, at all.....LOL

Since we are on the subject....I heard it rumored that The Stones are planning another
world tour.....if this is true, can you believe it?

I relate to this a lot.

This is the thing that makes me saddest -- this dead man walking. We had some good times -- they're over forever. I miss the guy I married.

I relate to what you have put Stung - I feel like the man I used to worship died along time ago. No easy answers sadly but I am thinking of you. We mourn but the person we mourn for is still alive. It is a living hell and unless he gets help, it won't get better. You are SO young and have so much of your life ahead. Do take care.

The way I view it is one night, sometime in the past and I don't know exactly when, my wife crawled into a vodka bottle and drowned.

Someone or something crawled out, it had her memories and even at times bits of her personality but it wasn't her, not even close.

Your friend,

Quish, I feel so old!!! And I know that AH's shenanigans and drama have taken years off of my life. Stress!

He is getting help and he talks about his new group enthusiastically but it's like I just don't even care to hear about it. I don't care about his group or the other people in it. To me, AA is a bandaid. He needs to go speak with a therapist for me to feel equally enthusiastic about his "progress." IMO all he's gained is a network of men who understand the allure of a bottle. I want him to find a professional that helps him understand WHY he's seeking that out in the first place. I feel sorry for him that he's missing out on the best things in life because he's too whatever he is to enjoy our otherwise charmed life.

On Sunday, we went to the aquarium, DD1 was dragging AH all over the place to look at the fish and sharks. She was on cloud 9. Then we got home, and he left to go to AA and came home completely tanked. Who does that?! Who goes out has a really wonderful first half of the day with their beautiful family and then decides to go get hammered?! THIS is not the man I married. The man I married would have talked ad nausium about how much fun our kids are and how cool it is that she knows so much about different fish, sea creatures, etc. not lie and then go drink himself silly.

Having a Case of Sane Moms Envy or something.

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Just came back from the boys' (1st and 3rd grade) Christmas Parties at school.

Lots of parents. Mostly moms. And for some reason, as I was walking down the halls doing the meet and greet, I kept thinking . . . . She looks sane. and the next one, She looks sane . . . on and on.

Did the room visits, texted Mrs. Hammer some pictures, and then walking out, the "Sane" thing started up in my head, again. Wound up walking down all the halls to check the various Lost and Founds (our 3rd grader lost a jacket, recently). Down one end hall I saw a mom. Hunched up in a ball, crying, in a corner talking and texting on her phone -- and just thought . . . oh. She must be "one of us." dunno. Just my projection.

Walked out thinking -- GOD! WHEN I ASKED YOU TO SEND ME A WIFE WHY DID YOU SEND ME A CRAZY ONE!?!?!?!

Could use some real Step 2 Return to Sanity Right Now.

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Step Two: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

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For me, our family, Mrs. Hammer, Mrs. and Mr. Stung . . . and everyone here . . .

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Dear God,

Please restore us to Sanity.

Amen.

And I feel like he's stealing this special time with our kids from me. He has put this dark cloud over our family and its ruining my time, and I'm so frustrated that I keep allowing him to do this. Honestly, I think it would easier to cope if he had crawled into a bottle, drowned and was just never seen again. At least then it would be one, contained problem and I would clearly understand where I stood in life and where to go from here.

Are you married to my AH??

You have written my thoughts completely & I don't know what the H*** to do about it. He's almost become repulsive to me now. I hate this.