I need help to get out.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
I need help to get out.
I am stuck and I need a push to get myself out of this situation. I just want to write down what I'm thinking.
For the last few months, my husband has been deteriorating. Every other week or so, he gets wasted drunk. He doesn't get mean or aggressive toward me anymore, just annoying, weepy, self-pitying, delusional. Sunday morning he started early, sipping scotch at 10AM (he's never been an at-home drinker, so I'm worried). I told him "see ya," and took the boys to a hotel so they wouldn't have to see him drunk. I just put him out of my mind and took care of them. He ended up not going to work the next day, which is a really bad thing for him because he runs his own business and it's just him, so if he bails on one of his clients they are screwed. The day after that, he was extremely down, and telling me over and over again how sorry he is and how he hates himself. After that, he started talking about us moving to another state, somewhere less expensive and with more space. I just laughed it off.
I'm just over it now. I have run out of empathy and patience. I've been busting my BEHIND working and keeping our house running. I am the one who gets up early and gets the boys to school and appointments, makes lunches, etc. I'm trying to make this a good Christmas, and he's ruining it. Last year, my Christmas card from him said he promised me we'd have a better year in 2013, and that he'd make me happy (he'd just gotten a DUI). So much for that.
He's now at the point after a bender where he is just awful to be around. Last night he called me on his way home from work and sounded annoyed, so I asked why. He said he couldn't believe I left to a hotel the other night, and that he wasn't bothering me and I could have just gone in the other room. I told him that's ridiculous, I only wanted to remove myself and my children from being around a drunk person. He then went into a screaming rant. Which he does on a daily basis now. I mean screaming at the top of his lungs like a psycho.
I am really, really happy at work now. I found a job at a great little firm. The people I work with are amazing and supportive and this gives me hope for a good future. I could move out now and get an apartment. What I am afraid of is (1) he will drink himself to death; (2) I'll always worry when he has the kids (I can't imagine him drinking while taking care of them, but who knows?; (3) the custody issues and messiness. It's like because we have kids, I'll never be able to have him out of my life. Also, he's from the UK, so in the back of my mind I think what if he got mad and tried to take them? Although I'm close to his family so I doubt they would support that, but still, it's a concern.
I am tired of being treated like this and being stressed. It's draining and I can't take it anymore. My kids need a relaxed, happy environment. I don't believe his promises anymore.
For the last few months, my husband has been deteriorating. Every other week or so, he gets wasted drunk. He doesn't get mean or aggressive toward me anymore, just annoying, weepy, self-pitying, delusional. Sunday morning he started early, sipping scotch at 10AM (he's never been an at-home drinker, so I'm worried). I told him "see ya," and took the boys to a hotel so they wouldn't have to see him drunk. I just put him out of my mind and took care of them. He ended up not going to work the next day, which is a really bad thing for him because he runs his own business and it's just him, so if he bails on one of his clients they are screwed. The day after that, he was extremely down, and telling me over and over again how sorry he is and how he hates himself. After that, he started talking about us moving to another state, somewhere less expensive and with more space. I just laughed it off.
I'm just over it now. I have run out of empathy and patience. I've been busting my BEHIND working and keeping our house running. I am the one who gets up early and gets the boys to school and appointments, makes lunches, etc. I'm trying to make this a good Christmas, and he's ruining it. Last year, my Christmas card from him said he promised me we'd have a better year in 2013, and that he'd make me happy (he'd just gotten a DUI). So much for that.
He's now at the point after a bender where he is just awful to be around. Last night he called me on his way home from work and sounded annoyed, so I asked why. He said he couldn't believe I left to a hotel the other night, and that he wasn't bothering me and I could have just gone in the other room. I told him that's ridiculous, I only wanted to remove myself and my children from being around a drunk person. He then went into a screaming rant. Which he does on a daily basis now. I mean screaming at the top of his lungs like a psycho.
I am really, really happy at work now. I found a job at a great little firm. The people I work with are amazing and supportive and this gives me hope for a good future. I could move out now and get an apartment. What I am afraid of is (1) he will drink himself to death; (2) I'll always worry when he has the kids (I can't imagine him drinking while taking care of them, but who knows?; (3) the custody issues and messiness. It's like because we have kids, I'll never be able to have him out of my life. Also, he's from the UK, so in the back of my mind I think what if he got mad and tried to take them? Although I'm close to his family so I doubt they would support that, but still, it's a concern.
I am tired of being treated like this and being stressed. It's draining and I can't take it anymore. My kids need a relaxed, happy environment. I don't believe his promises anymore.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you best help is a good attorney. make an appoointment. lay out your concerns, go for full custody.
if he does drink himself to death, do you really want you and the kids there to watch? no. he's depressive, abusive, neglectful, irresponsible...and it will only get worse.
don't look back with regret 5 years from now for what you could have done today.
if he does drink himself to death, do you really want you and the kids there to watch? no. he's depressive, abusive, neglectful, irresponsible...and it will only get worse.
don't look back with regret 5 years from now for what you could have done today.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Emmy, of course your concerns are valid.
Currently, you are worrying about things that have not even happened yet. Often it is our thinking process that keeps us stuck.
I agree with Anvil, consult an attorney, find out what your rights and obligations are, and take it from there.
knowledge is power, my friend.
You obviously are a good mother, I commend you for getting the kids out of the home when needed.
I can only suggest, concentrate on the matters YOU can control.
The whole "future tripping" thing can really keep us stuck in a bad situation.
((((hugs))))
Currently, you are worrying about things that have not even happened yet. Often it is our thinking process that keeps us stuck.
I agree with Anvil, consult an attorney, find out what your rights and obligations are, and take it from there.
knowledge is power, my friend.
You obviously are a good mother, I commend you for getting the kids out of the home when needed.
I can only suggest, concentrate on the matters YOU can control.
The whole "future tripping" thing can really keep us stuck in a bad situation.
((((hugs))))
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
you best help is a good attorney. make an appoointment. lay out your concerns, go for full custody.
if he does drink himself to death, do you really want you and the kids there to watch? no. he's depressive, abusive, neglectful, irresponsible...and it will only get worse.
don't look back with regret 5 years from now for what you could have done today.
if he does drink himself to death, do you really want you and the kids there to watch? no. he's depressive, abusive, neglectful, irresponsible...and it will only get worse.
don't look back with regret 5 years from now for what you could have done today.
why don't you give him for Christmas an envelope with
the same card inside that he gave you last year
then suggest to him that he needs to try the AA Program
let him know that you are getting tired and very serious
MountainmanBob
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
mountainbob, did you miss this part?
I only wanted to remove myself and my children from being around a drunk person. He then went into a screaming rant. Which he does on a daily basis now. I mean screaming at the top of his lungs like a psycho.
nobody needs to live like that, not adults and especially not children. it is no longer a safe sane environment. he's a danger to himself and others. she's at the end of her tether dealing with HIS bs.
I only wanted to remove myself and my children from being around a drunk person. He then went into a screaming rant. Which he does on a daily basis now. I mean screaming at the top of his lungs like a psycho.
nobody needs to live like that, not adults and especially not children. it is no longer a safe sane environment. he's a danger to himself and others. she's at the end of her tether dealing with HIS bs.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
mountainbob, did you miss this part?
I only wanted to remove myself and my children from being around a drunk person. He then went into a screaming rant. Which he does on a daily basis now. I mean screaming at the top of his lungs like a psycho.
nobody needs to live like that, not adults and especially not children. it is no longer a safe sane environment. he's a danger to himself and others. she's at the end of her tether dealing with HIS bs.
I only wanted to remove myself and my children from being around a drunk person. He then went into a screaming rant. Which he does on a daily basis now. I mean screaming at the top of his lungs like a psycho.
nobody needs to live like that, not adults and especially not children. it is no longer a safe sane environment. he's a danger to himself and others. she's at the end of her tether dealing with HIS bs.
sorry - I just can't see that the exact way in which you do
getting out of the situation - yes - I agree
but - to tell someone you don't even know to jump at divorce I see as a wrong
MB
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Mountainman.....just for the sake of discussion.....Emmy can get a separation without actually becoming divorced (if she chooses it that way). At least, it would get the children out of that traumatic living environment,for the immediate.
dandylion
dandylion
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
once we call lawyers in their job 99.9 % of the time is to
file for divorce
most attorneys would never advise counseling (which in some cases works out just fine)
thus advice to contact an attorney should always come later in the game (last resort)
MB
file for divorce
most attorneys would never advise counseling (which in some cases works out just fine)
thus advice to contact an attorney should always come later in the game (last resort)
MB
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
I understand what you're saying, Mountainmanbob. It's very hard because he's in pain, I can see that. He seems to have no clue how to deal with emotion. It's not black and white. I hold him accountable, but I also feel empathy because he has good qualities, too. We have a friend going through cancer, and my husband is the person he calls for support and encouragement. He works very hard for our family and would go without (and has) to make sure we have what we need. He called a counselor today about making an appointment and he says he'll start with AA meetings and he means it this time. I want to support him without breaking my family apart, but I can't hold on forever. He's never mean to our kids, but he's so miserable that it's stressing me out and affecting how I am with the kids. I don't want to abandon him, he has no family here. At the same time, when do I know he gets it? He has evolved, he would never admit to having a problem and lately he is. This is hard.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,414
Bob, spousal verbal abuse/verbal violence can be as bad, or worse, than physical abuse.
Unless you've been in that situation (and I have) I really don't see how your experience is relevant here...and I don't see how you can speak with any authority on it.
Your concerns are valid Emmy and I also suggest consulting an attorney - it does no harm at all to see what the legal standpoint is, and what your legal avenues are, for you and your children.
D
Unless you've been in that situation (and I have) I really don't see how your experience is relevant here...and I don't see how you can speak with any authority on it.
Your concerns are valid Emmy and I also suggest consulting an attorney - it does no harm at all to see what the legal standpoint is, and what your legal avenues are, for you and your children.
D
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
one thing for sure - you will find much support here
Originally Posted by EmmyG
He works very hard for our family
He called a counselor today about making an appointment
he says he'll start with AA meetings and he means it this time
I can't hold on forever
my wife also got to the point where she could not hold on forever
here's an important thing to do
----- let your husband know that just as my wife told me -----
she set us up for counseling and I went
I did exactly what the Elder requested (didn't wish to lose my marriage)
also knew that drinking had taken me to the dark places yet once again
went to AA and church
all has been sober and well for 6 years now
not to blast others
but
this is why I chime in so heavy at times when ones mention lawyers
my wife went to Al-Anon for a short while
she did not like the advice given to her there
it went directly against what she felt in her heart
not to bash Al-Anon ( a worthy organization)
just to point out
from reading a short statement from one in pain
or in a meeting hearing one share for a short while
should we suggest real (marriage) life changing remedies ??????????
I'm just not sure
one thing for sure - you will find much support here
MountainmanBob
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Emmy....I'm so sorry you are going through this again with your husband. If memory serves he has hit you before, and to me that is certainly unacceptable on any level.
I know that you have both been to counseling together in the past and that when you came here you spoke about his binge drinking and behavior while drinking.
I will never recommend someone get divorced or not get divorced. I do believe that the most important thing is for you and your children to be safe from someone who is still capable of abuse. Whether or not you divorce is entirely up to you. If speaking with a lawyer will make you more comfortable because you will understand your options with more clarity, then that is what you have every right to do.
Certainly, the counseling does not seem to have helped him much so far.
I know that you have both been to counseling together in the past and that when you came here you spoke about his binge drinking and behavior while drinking.
I will never recommend someone get divorced or not get divorced. I do believe that the most important thing is for you and your children to be safe from someone who is still capable of abuse. Whether or not you divorce is entirely up to you. If speaking with a lawyer will make you more comfortable because you will understand your options with more clarity, then that is what you have every right to do.
Certainly, the counseling does not seem to have helped him much so far.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
just to clarify, I NEVER said GET A DIVORCE. I suggested with vigor to see an attorney and know the lay of the land. what options are. anytime one's life is tangled with an unstable erratic angry individual and CHILDREN are involved, I cannot condone just hanging on and giving him/her a bit more time, maybe another "talk" - the situation has moved beyond that. counseling is a long term affair, there are no immediate solutions or reprieves. why should everyone WAIT for the abusive addict to come 'round? why aren't the other lives involved of equal importance?
emmy, I wish you the best. you deserve a rich full happy life without drama and chaos. your children deserve a peaceful home that is safe ALL the time. void of raging screaming maniacs. our home should be our haven.
emmy, I wish you the best. you deserve a rich full happy life without drama and chaos. your children deserve a peaceful home that is safe ALL the time. void of raging screaming maniacs. our home should be our haven.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I also suggest consulting with an attorney unless you already have a general idea of child custody laws in your state. Kids do make leaving an alcoholic messy and difficult and scary. I've been trying and trying and trying to work things out with my AH simply because I don't want him to have joint custody if he can't achieve and maintain being sober. The thought of my kids being alone overnight with one drunk parent terrifies me.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
I'll pray for you, your family and your husband. I know how hard it is to have to leave just to find peace and settle the kids, in my case dogs. We got to the point where we were walking sideways wondering what was going to happen next.
He can change though. It's not to late but he's got to want it! Our family is just falling back into a normal routine here. The dogs are finally acting normal and that is a good thing.
Pray for him. That's what I did for my husband. Every time I thought of him, I prayed for him. I told him I was praying for him. I prayed for myself too. I prayed for our marriage and that God would preserve my love for him and save us both.
I will pray for you and yours.
He can change though. It's not to late but he's got to want it! Our family is just falling back into a normal routine here. The dogs are finally acting normal and that is a good thing.
Pray for him. That's what I did for my husband. Every time I thought of him, I prayed for him. I told him I was praying for him. I prayed for myself too. I prayed for our marriage and that God would preserve my love for him and save us both.
I will pray for you and yours.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 407
I view a visit to an attorney as simply a way to educate yourself about the situation. If something happens that forces the OP to leave quickly, then she should beprepared for all possibilities and be able to view her future through a clear set of lenses. Even though my AH is acting fairly decent lately, I plan on visiting an attorney as well during my Winter break. He could go back to unacceptable behavior at any time.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 214
Originally Posted by Mountainmanbob
not to blast others
but
this is why I chime in so heavy at times when ones mention lawyers
my wife went to Al-Anon for a short while
she did not like the advice given to her there
it went directly against what she felt in her heart
not to bash Al-Anon ( a worthy organization)
just to point out
from reading a short statement from one in pain
or in a meeting hearing one share for a short while
should we suggest real (marriage) life changing remedies ??????????
I'm just not sure
one thing for sure - you will find much support here
MountainmanBob
If the OP is concerned about her husband taking the kids overseas, or even that he might use that as a threat, you can set their passports aside in a safe deposit box or with a trusted friend. If they don't have passports, it is a process you would need to sign off on.
I second the advice to see an attorney. Not because I encourage divorce, but because knowledge is the first step in self-empowerment, and attorneys have knowledge, and often give free consultations.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
All of the thoughts here are spot on. I just want to reinforce that even though he's not mean to the children, they are still absorbing every bit of what's going on in the home. Kids are way more perceptive than anyone will give them credit for. Make sure that if you do divorce, you've got enough child support to help pay for their therapy (speaking from the experience as one of those children). The children deserve so much better than to live in an abusive home. Remember that little rhyme we are all taught in grade school? The sticks and stones one? It should read "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words last forever."
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