Breezie

Hi everyone! I am new here and grateful to have found this site. My apologies for the length, I can be an explainer

A little background on me, I have been in Al-Anon for almost two years now, have gotten through the steps and am currently working the traditions. I have an amazing 6 yo son, am a SAHM, and have been with my RAH for almost 15 yrs, since I was 18. He is a pill addict, been sober almost two years now also after multiple relapses since I sent him (lol) to rehab when I was pregnant, then again after our son was born. I have a great sponsor who I love dearly, and so many wonderful friends through the program. I feel very blessed about that . My sponsor and I have been leading our meeting's newcomer group for the last few weeks, and one asked me to be her sponsor recently which I am very excited about! I really get now what my sponsor means when she tells me "You help me so much", being in that meeting and talking with my sponsee has given me a chance to really reflect on so many things and see them from a different perspective.

When I walked into Al-Anon, I was definitely at my bottom. I had just found out my H was having a year long affair with a woman who was giving him pills. I wanted to leave him but didn't know how, it seemed like there were so many obstacles, I had no self esteem, was just generally beaten down and hated myself for being in this situation. I heard the recommendation to not change anything major for the first year, which I wasn't happy about and didn't expect to hear, but I followed it. A few months in I got why, I have completely bought into the program and know how much I have changed by following it, and have been blessed to know many AA/NA members who have undergone miraculous changes too. In fact, one of my closest friends now is a recovering pill addict who cheated on her husband, oh, the irony I have held out a lot of hope and faith that good things could happen with my H and our relationship too.

That faith has started to waiver, and I am getting to the point of thinking maybe it is time to throw in the towel. Warning: me taking my H's inventory coming . The good is we have a lot in common, we enjoy doing things together, are affectionate, he is a good dad...I would generally say we greatly enjoy each other's company. As long as there are no issues, things are great. The problems arise when I perceive him as crossing my boundaries or we are in disagreement about something. While he has maintained his sobriety, his behavior towards me during disagreements has not changed much from when he was using. I try very hard to use "I feel" statements and not assign fault, own my part...I am certainly not perfect and screw things up sometimes, but I make prompt amends and tell my sponsor everything as a second set of eyes to keep me on track, and she thinks I do well, so I believe her. My H tends to blame me and not take responsibility for his actions, tells me I am unreasonable, doesn't want to talk about anything and will give me the silent treatment after any of these conversations for the next few days.

A couple big problems that have arose that continue: he will not discuss his affair, I just need to "get over it", and I feel he is too close with a few women in his meetings, texting I love yous or xoxo, giving them rides places, stuff like that. He thinks I am unreasonable about the texting etc and that "everybody does it", well, I know that is untrue. He has said repeatedly he won't anymore after we go round and round about it, I actually left the house one time and said it crosses my line and I won't be in this marriage if it continues, then it happens again a few months later and the same I'm unreasonable conversation happens again. FWIW, I do not think he is cheating, what he has said is they do it first then he feels like he has to so he doesn't hurt their feelings and I am "stronger" and can "get over it easier". Hello, how about your wife's feelings! While he is not physically betraying me, it all makes me feel pretty insignificant to him. The last incident happened about a month ago, and when I said something about it a few days later he told me "that is in the past now, no reason to discuss it". It doesn't feel like the past to me when it is a behavior that continues to repeat itself.

I am also hurt that he has not really made amends to me. They were "I'm sorry, I have made some bad decisions and I hope we can leave that in the past and move forward." That's it. He has said the drugs made him do everything bad he has ever done. What he doesn't see is he still can treat me the same way he did when he was using. Not to the extreme of the verbal abuse that was going on, but I am still not ok with it. I don't know how I am supposed to have a relationship with someone who refuses to talk about problems, or when he does doesn't own his part. I have let a lot of my resentments of him go, and I don't want to get more, but it is really hard when we can't talk and work them out.

My lovely sponsor just keeps giving me suggestions on different things to try, but I'm getting tired of trying. Of course my son is a big factor here too, they adore each other and I would no longer be able to stay home with him which I think has been very beneficial to him (mommy brag that I can't take all credit for by any means, but he can read hard books and even newspapers, does hard math, and his teacher says he is a joy in every way. So proud of him <3). I don't want to uproot the life he has known. I told my sponsor this week for now I believe my indecisiveness is God telling me I don't need to make any decisions yet, and she thought that was reasonable. I would love to hear ESH from people who have been down this road. I have heard from people who left spouses active in their addiction but not much from those when both are in recovery, but anything at all is greatly appreciated.

(((hugs)))

Seren

Hi Breezie, Welcome to SR!

Sometimes it is great to just get it all down on 'paper' and read through it, right? Don't worry about long posts here...we have plenty of room

I don't really know that any of us can advise you on whether or not to leave your husband. That really is such a personal decision. I'm glad you have the face-to-face support of Al-Anon. I think, though, as you get stronger in your self-respect and self-care, you will know for yourself what you do and do not need in a husband--and whether or not your husband meets most of those needs.

I'm glad you found us! Please make yourself at home

dancingnow

Hi Breezie, kudos to you for working a good program and for lovingly, guiding and encouraging your son along his learning path.

I recently became tired of my indecisiveness and after almost 2 years with RAH in recovery and our interactions minimally changed I made the decision to work on myself only and just let the relationship go on its own course. And I decided that even though my marriage is fairly dead I am not going to take divorce upon my shoulders right now. I am seeing a counselor to work on me, focus on me, the person I am with or without this relationship. Somewhere along the road I lost myself and it's starting to affect me big time.

Hmm, in a normal marriage deciding to only focus on myself would probably make a difference and be detrimental but somehow I don't see the dynamics between my RAH getting any worse because of this. For, I don't know how many years, I have been the one pushing and pulling for this relationship to work. Not anymore and if our relationships continues to wither and totally dies, well then, my decision is made and in the meantime I am gaining back myself and becoming a stronger person.

I think it's easy for moms to focus on everyone else and lose themselves, even more so with an AH who drains the joy out of marriage.

What I think I am saying is that I wasted a lot of time trying to make our relationship work and the outcome was losing myself. So just suggesting you give long, hard consideration into what you focus your energy on and yes maybe being indecisive about getting a divorce is ok but you might want to make other decisions about helping yourself as a person separate from your RAH.

Take care and (((HUGS))).

patientlywaitin

Sorry your still dealing with the behaviors when the excuse for them is gone. Kinda make you wonder if that's just not who he is? I ask myself that of my rah sometimes. I've had a lot of insecurities after he had a one nighter and still cope with the anxiety and mistrust on a daily basis. He was still active when this occurred and still active when he asked me why he couldn't remain friends with the woman... Since he is sober and thinking a lot clearer I made sure to explain to him my outlook on what cheating is. Men and women can see this topic very differently so it was important to me that I was very clear. This way if it happens again he knew and there is no excuse. My rule is do not do or say anything to another woman that you would not say to my face. Just imagine I'm standing there... It's been ok so far, to my knowledge anyway. He did have an instance where a fellow A asked him for a ride home to get spare keys when she locked them in her car but she didn't call or text, they are in the same class in college. He didn't volunteer this info to me until I mentioned I had seen him out while he made it appear he was still at school. None the less I didn't approve of it and made it clear that it is not acceptable. Part of my coping with his betrayal is that I have to have transparency. It will not work any other way because I am not ready to trust him yet. One thing we also did was get rid of social media. That really helped! It was difficult for me at first because I felt like I was being punished for his mistakes but it really helped us stay focused on us. I wouldn't change it for anything now....

IMO your h is crossing the line with fellow A's. Does his sponsor know that he does this? Are you guys in therapy? That seemed to help us the most, the Dr could say everything I felt and needed him to know without it sounding irrational just because it came from me.

If you are unsure let it be because of you and what you want, not your son. As a mother of 4 I understand your concern for his welfare and how he will cope with a separation but kids are resilient and it will be easier for him to grasp having two houses than two disfunctional parents.

lizatola

Hmm, sounds like your husband and mine were separated at birth. Similar issues actually for many of us here. You can read my most recent post and see that I am agonizing over separating from my AH. He's a good man with a kind heart but when it comes down to handling things with 'us' as a couple, it seems that it's his way or the highway. I should forget the past, it doesn't need to be talked about, even if it was repeated behaviors from 2 weeks ago he will see this as the 'past'. He constantly wants a clean slate and that is not how we're going to reconcile our marriage.

I have read a few really good books on this subject but they are not Al Anon materials. Like you, I have been in program for 2 years and I work my program well and if I slack off, I can feel it, that's how much a part of me it has become. If you would like to know more about the books, please PM me. Basically, I sometimes think my AH is more than just an addict, I think it comes down to an arrested development and an inability to be able to cope and handle emotions, especially other people's emotions. Looking back on how I was when I came into program, I can see where my own development was arrested, as well, but I feel that I've grown so much with my sponsor's help and with counseling. I 'see' things about myself that I never knew were there and man, I have some work to do, LOL!

Breezie

Wow, thank you all so much for your great posts! (((big hugs)))

It did feel good to just get it all out there at one time . I have done a pretty good job keeping the focus on myself until recently, I think part of the reason is because of working on the traditions. My sponsor and I work out of Paths and are also going through a workshop she did with her sponsor on how the traditions apply to our relationships. I love it and have learned a lot about myself and how I communicate and act in marriage and how I can do better. She pointed out this week that part of the reason I am probably questioning things more is because I am working so hard on my part of the relationship, it is becoming more apparent when I see him not doing the things I'm learning. I need to remember too that he hasn't had the benefit of doing what I am currently doing, so of course he doesn't see them as well as I am. I didn't a few months ago either. I need to refocus on just doing what I need to be doing and keep plugging along

Patient, I really relate to a lot of what you shared. I do wonder if this is just who he is. I have had the conversation that a good litmus test is would he do this in front of me? Or can you try to put yourself in my position, flip the tables. How would you feel? He said his brain doesn't work that way, that didn't put my mind at ease very much. We are not in counciling, I do think that could be beneficial. I feel like a grown up on Charlie Brown sometimes, you know all he hears is blah blah blah when it comes from my mouth. . I don't know how much he talks to his sponsor about this stuff, or how much of the story he is sharing with him. When I have asked, what does your sponsor think his responses are "he says he's not a marriage councilor" or "I do what he tells me". I think he has a good sponsor from what I know of him, I like him and he is a councilor at a rehab facility, so he knows his stuff. It all makes me wonder sometimes how much he is really listening, or sharing (my sponsor wouldn't be that great if I only told her part of the story, right? That part is on me). You are right, kids are resilient and mine is too I'm sure, he always has been. He does not see the underlying issues very often, there have been a few times he has noticed the silent treatment but that's it. We have fun doing things as a family, do not discuss things around him and he sees plenty of affection, so I am pretty sure he is not too affected by it ATM. That always could change of course.

Liz, I so relate to your post also. My H is a good, sweet person til it's his way or the highway. I want to give him a clean slate, but I also think awareness and acknowledgement comes before acceptance and until he can acknowledge the problems they are very hard to just accept. I also think he has arrested development, I do really feel for him and the troubles he has faced in his life and know how hard that must be. His bio dad deserted him, his mom and step dad are both alcoholics and always put on a happy outside, but problems were never discussed. His older brother died of an overdose, his step dad suffered a stroke that has left him incapacitated, and most recently his mom died from the affects of her disease. But for the grace of God. It hurts my heart to think of the pain he has had. More than our relationship, I just wish for him to find peace however that may come. I certainly have had arrested development too, I have always walked on eggshells, will do whatever to please those around me to make them like me and have let fear rule my life. I love my sponsor asking me if I state my feelings, will lightning strike me dead? It hasn't yet, but shoot, I still wonder if it is going to sometimes . I have lots of work to do too!

Thank you again everyone, I suppose I look for the burning bush God is going to send me lol. Wouldn't that be easy? The program is simple, but in no way easy. I know if I keep working it, keep praying and following His guidance, the answers will come when the time is right. While I wish none of this on anyone, I am so grateful to know I am not crazy or alone. Well, maybe a little crazy lol(aren't we all?), but not as crazy as I used to feel.

AnvilheadII

so besides the fact he isn't taking drugs anymore, has much about him really CHANGED in the past two years? he sounds like he does what he wants when he wants and the hell with you and your needs. up to and including still actively engaging with women he is not married to in ways that at the very least border on inappropriate.

you say everything is "Good" unless there are issues. this is real life, there are ALWAYS issues. life issues. he could easily pass for Peter Pan, the boy that refused to grow up. that you two can't have a rational adult discussion about anything is really sad. especially for you, as the rational adult! you two aren't on the same wave length, same page. there is no give and take. you are not allowed to share your thoughts. how stifling! how demeaning.

so here he is two years out. might be as good as it gets. he's certainly not doing anything to change or grow.

sometimes indecisive is just that....unable to make a decision. or maybe unwilling. decisions usually require action. and i don't think it's really the decision making we avoid, it's the INTO ACTION part. if we keep the status quo, we are relieved from having to act, make changes. much like my favorite saying - There are no Problems, Only Resistance to the Solutions.

Breezie

Thank you for your post Anvil, you have touched on another big thing with me, I was (can still be) the queen of denial. I do wonder sometimes, is my indecisiveness just my denial showing back up in a little different form? I'm not sure. I love that saying, thank you

What has he changed? Well, he is more affectionate, will engage in conversation instead of ignoring or avoiding me, is going to a few meetings a week, takes me out on dates, is more engaged with our son, works full shifts, and takes more responsibility with every day things that need to be done. I do agree tho, I do feel like he is saying to hell with me and my needs. Most of his changes seem to be more surface things than really deep, meaningful, lasting changes.

Yes, there are issues in life and relationships! Sometimes it feels like he thinks we are a middle school romance if you catch my drift. This is what he was taught as a child watching his parents relationship, if you don't talk about it, there is no problem. He also never received any consequences growing up, mom and dad always bailed him out and I willingly took on that role later. Glad I know better now . While I am still not great on dishing out consequences when it comes to me, I at least am not fixing his screw ups any more.

I do question if this is as good as it is going to get? It is no business of mine how he works his program to stay sober, I do think how he works his program effects our relationship. I see a lack of empathy and humility, and I think those things are very important in having a good relationship. Do his actions affect me personally? Not so much, I feel happy with myself and grateful for the things I have. He does not ruin my day. I know I am a worthy and good person. These things are definitely hurting our marriage tho. That has been tough for me to explain to him, he says I'm trying to be his sponsor if I mention anything about his program, even if it is not inventory taking, just something as simple as the solutions to our problems are found in our literature. I certainly think they are, and I find it my responsibility to find my part in mine, and his responsibility to find his in his. I'm not gonna lie, I wish I could just open the BB and show him what he should be reading lol, but I'm not going to cross that line for sure.