And there it is
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 216
And there it is
Company left today . I was not approached about how well he was staying under his self imposed limit, which he set for himself.
Beer only.
I did not say a thing. Just went on with my good day. Which was quite lovely. He went out for groceries and the llike and actually got a lot of things done. He EVEN hit is financial deadline a shocking six weeks in advance. By putting money into my bank account.
But something was amiss. I could feel it,
While suffering a raging biut of insomnia, I remembered company had left a bottle of wine, and I don't drink as a rule. Just not my thing, but I thought it might help. Guess what had a quarte inch in the bottle?
He came downstairs for something and I said, "well I am not sleeping with you tonight because you crossed your OWN line. I knew something was up when you were down here without me. And he had the quack to say "that's not what I was doing" oh god really?
I opened it becaue he asked me to as he was cooking with it, and believe me the meal was not that big.
I said, You made your choice. I am making mine, I left the master bedroom and he came in got all his things and said I will sleep somewhere else, you can sleep in here Was I pissed? Yes. Was a yelling? No.
I just stated the fact.
Oh joyous holidays. Just like any other day that eventually involves the bottom of a bottle.
I am stuck. We have one car and he does need to go out to gather up some people today and give them rides.
I can't go anywhere, there are no cabs and I have the dogs. Holidays..there is not another room to stay in for miles, and of course there is another home office here. I just may not sleep tonight I am so gutted.
Beer only.
I did not say a thing. Just went on with my good day. Which was quite lovely. He went out for groceries and the llike and actually got a lot of things done. He EVEN hit is financial deadline a shocking six weeks in advance. By putting money into my bank account.
But something was amiss. I could feel it,
While suffering a raging biut of insomnia, I remembered company had left a bottle of wine, and I don't drink as a rule. Just not my thing, but I thought it might help. Guess what had a quarte inch in the bottle?
He came downstairs for something and I said, "well I am not sleeping with you tonight because you crossed your OWN line. I knew something was up when you were down here without me. And he had the quack to say "that's not what I was doing" oh god really?
I opened it becaue he asked me to as he was cooking with it, and believe me the meal was not that big.
I said, You made your choice. I am making mine, I left the master bedroom and he came in got all his things and said I will sleep somewhere else, you can sleep in here Was I pissed? Yes. Was a yelling? No.
I just stated the fact.
Oh joyous holidays. Just like any other day that eventually involves the bottom of a bottle.
I am stuck. We have one car and he does need to go out to gather up some people today and give them rides.
I can't go anywhere, there are no cabs and I have the dogs. Holidays..there is not another room to stay in for miles, and of course there is another home office here. I just may not sleep tonight I am so gutted.
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I'm sorry.
Sorry you're hurting. Sorry your hopes were crushed again. Sorry you& feel like running and have nowhere to go.
It's hard not to hope. That your A is the one who can moderate and stick to self-imposed limits. I just know that for my AXH, leaving him in a house with a bottle of anything alcoholic would be like leaving a hungry lion with a steak. It wouldn't matter what promises he had made God, me, or himself: he would not resist.
Sorry you're hurting. Sorry your hopes were crushed again. Sorry you& feel like running and have nowhere to go.
It's hard not to hope. That your A is the one who can moderate and stick to self-imposed limits. I just know that for my AXH, leaving him in a house with a bottle of anything alcoholic would be like leaving a hungry lion with a steak. It wouldn't matter what promises he had made God, me, or himself: he would not resist.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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I believe you sober hawk. But I am not the A around here, He thinks he thinks he thinks.
And there lies the problem. But I am not talking to him about this unless he approaches me. There is nothing I can do to help except me honestly encouraging, which I have been at home while he has been sober.
If he brings it up, I suppose that's on him.
He thinks he's normal.
Alcohol must feel like an amazing friend, the lengths one will go for it,
And there lies the problem. But I am not talking to him about this unless he approaches me. There is nothing I can do to help except me honestly encouraging, which I have been at home while he has been sober.
If he brings it up, I suppose that's on him.
He thinks he's normal.
Alcohol must feel like an amazing friend, the lengths one will go for it,
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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Ah, he just approached. "So you don't want me to even drink beer anymore"
Oh, like we had a convo ever about his "just drinking beer" ??
that was a limit he told me he gave himself. we never had a convo about any of this.
I had told him, because he had asked, if that was OK with me and I had said it's just asking for trouble. this was well over a month ago. We have not talked about any of this. But in another thread, I mentioned that I knew it would come to this, as it always does. I am still reading co-no-mo. My light vacation reading.
I feel a bit detached, with love. I do, but I told him I am not going to be his booze police. I am done dumping bottles Nd counting glasses, this was on him, and if he makes the choice to drink, There are consequences.
Oh, like we had a convo ever about his "just drinking beer" ??
that was a limit he told me he gave himself. we never had a convo about any of this.
I had told him, because he had asked, if that was OK with me and I had said it's just asking for trouble. this was well over a month ago. We have not talked about any of this. But in another thread, I mentioned that I knew it would come to this, as it always does. I am still reading co-no-mo. My light vacation reading.
I feel a bit detached, with love. I do, but I told him I am not going to be his booze police. I am done dumping bottles Nd counting glasses, this was on him, and if he makes the choice to drink, There are consequences.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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You don't have to look too deeply into the Alcoholism forum (and sometimes the Newcomers to Recovery forum as well) to find a lot of threads about attempts to moderate. I have found them very enlightening, and very sad. And they all end pretty much the same way.
Not that you can do anything with that info (it doesn't change the fact that the decision to quit has to come to from him), but it might help you gain perspective on where his head is at right now, and to not take his drinking personally. Just the cunning part of the addiction at play.
Not that you can do anything with that info (it doesn't change the fact that the decision to quit has to come to from him), but it might help you gain perspective on where his head is at right now, and to not take his drinking personally. Just the cunning part of the addiction at play.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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Thanks SK I will check out the threads over there. The sad part is, I am sure I amnot alone here, my dad was a drunk, my ex husband was a mean drunk,(in recovery now for about 20 years) and my AH is a meek drunk. Unmean!
The most amazing man sober.
So I know the pattern allllllllll to well!
Here is the issue. I have ignored his Beer drinking this trip because he was not YET out of control. But last night....the escalation began. It may stop now, again, for a while.
This is where I get so confused.
He is not a big falling down slobbery drunk (yet). If I had slept in the same bed last night, he would have taken that as an "ok" to keep going. There was no big scene. No yelling. Just "ok, you drank a bottle of wine" I am not sleeping in the same room as you.
I FEEL LIKE THE BOOZE COP. I don't want to be the booze cop, but I have my boundaries. I have to do what's best for me at a certain time right? Do I now make that same sort of call if he has one beer? Although one beer will not effect him the fast escalation of it will.
It took less than a week from nothing to drinking a beer to a few beers to a bottle of wine. Hiding the vodka is next on the list if I say nothing.
I cannot continue to be in the same bed for the holidays At what point do I say. Skarewww this!
I do not let it dominate my thoughts (that is reserved for this board) and I am having a good time. Much needed R and r is what this trip is all!about.
This really feels like a predicament.i can't go and leave the dogs here with him, there are no cabs, I don't have a car, and my shame is that to tell a friend (the closest here at this moment is 30 miles away, and not a good enough friend I would like to dump out the family secrets) is to out his alcoholism to everyone and I don't think that is my job.
Thoughts?
The most amazing man sober.
So I know the pattern allllllllll to well!
Here is the issue. I have ignored his Beer drinking this trip because he was not YET out of control. But last night....the escalation began. It may stop now, again, for a while.
This is where I get so confused.
He is not a big falling down slobbery drunk (yet). If I had slept in the same bed last night, he would have taken that as an "ok" to keep going. There was no big scene. No yelling. Just "ok, you drank a bottle of wine" I am not sleeping in the same room as you.
I FEEL LIKE THE BOOZE COP. I don't want to be the booze cop, but I have my boundaries. I have to do what's best for me at a certain time right? Do I now make that same sort of call if he has one beer? Although one beer will not effect him the fast escalation of it will.
It took less than a week from nothing to drinking a beer to a few beers to a bottle of wine. Hiding the vodka is next on the list if I say nothing.
I cannot continue to be in the same bed for the holidays At what point do I say. Skarewww this!
I do not let it dominate my thoughts (that is reserved for this board) and I am having a good time. Much needed R and r is what this trip is all!about.
This really feels like a predicament.i can't go and leave the dogs here with him, there are no cabs, I don't have a car, and my shame is that to tell a friend (the closest here at this moment is 30 miles away, and not a good enough friend I would like to dump out the family secrets) is to out his alcoholism to everyone and I don't think that is my job.
Thoughts?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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booo, the thing is...this BOTHERS you. TROUBLES you. CONFUSES you.
you have addressed this with your husband, in some form or fashion, more than once. and right now the "best" he can do is try to moderate and control his drinking. he knows it's an issue. and yet he still does it.
it could be cigar smoking, or yelling in movie theatres...yes drinking/alcoholism is a bit more serious than that, but it is still a behavior that disagrees with you. and it HAS gone on for a long time and continues to. with a definite pattern. nothing to beer to wine to vodka.
as the saying goes, one is too many and a thousand never enough. he CANNOT have A beer. his body/mind doesn't allow for that. he will never be a "normal" drinker. so yeah, that first beer IS your queue. cuz there WILL be more.
you have addressed this with your husband, in some form or fashion, more than once. and right now the "best" he can do is try to moderate and control his drinking. he knows it's an issue. and yet he still does it.
it could be cigar smoking, or yelling in movie theatres...yes drinking/alcoholism is a bit more serious than that, but it is still a behavior that disagrees with you. and it HAS gone on for a long time and continues to. with a definite pattern. nothing to beer to wine to vodka.
as the saying goes, one is too many and a thousand never enough. he CANNOT have A beer. his body/mind doesn't allow for that. he will never be a "normal" drinker. so yeah, that first beer IS your queue. cuz there WILL be more.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 182
Do you really need to share with the friend why you are leaving? Couples fall in and out for lots of reasons all the time. I'm not advocating you should keep it secret that's up to you but if you want to why not just say "I'd rather not talk about it"
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Right. NOw I can't leave as we are in the middle of a holiday. We have the dogs with us. There are no rooms to be had, I don't have a car and I just am not close enough to anyone here to feel like I can leave with or without reason.
At home, I could kick him out, as hard as that will be, and we have an agreed upon deadline.
Anvil you are right. Even if this was not alcoholism, it could be anything else and we would just be "not be right for each other". Which so so hard for me to accept. It's so hard, he's such a good man otherwise.
I know he can't have one beer. He is still in the mindset that he can
I suppose my mindset now has to be that I won't be with him after one beer.
That is not going to be easy.
At home, I could kick him out, as hard as that will be, and we have an agreed upon deadline.
Anvil you are right. Even if this was not alcoholism, it could be anything else and we would just be "not be right for each other". Which so so hard for me to accept. It's so hard, he's such a good man otherwise.
I know he can't have one beer. He is still in the mindset that he can
I suppose my mindset now has to be that I won't be with him after one beer.
That is not going to be easy.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 216
Update.
Shortly after that post he came into the bedroom, I asked him if he was still ok with the dinner plans wed made, he said yes and that he would only have one beer, he wanted to run that by me.
I told him I would be FINE with one beer if that did not start the escalation again, but he had to face that it would, AGAIN as it has every other time, and he would have to make the choice.
He claimed he had stocked up on the beer for our house guests and got tired of it switched to the wine. and NEVER thought of moving on to the vodka left behind. I had to stifle a laugh.
Long story short, we revisitd our conversation from a few moths back...when he was crying and begging for my help.
I reminded him that our deal and this time frame and there are only two Conditions.
There was other help online he could find if he did not want to work an AA program, that he was smart, but not smarter than booze, that he could not out think this one. Never has, never will despite is case that he COULD control it "sometimes"
I told him all I knew for sure was that I knew that I was changing my behavior. I had my boundaries and I loved him and would support him, but that I can't really HELP him. I tried with a dad and an ex husband and that I did not plan on doing it anymore. Reminded him that my history with alcoholics is much longer than his and I could not do it anymore until he was a 70 year old bitter man and I would be the same, but much more tired of trying to hold it all together.
That I could not and would not control his drinking. I am not his babysitter or his drink police or his mother.
It's shocking when I stop and think how prevalent alcohol is. The moment we arrived to dinner they pushed the wine bottle towards us "here you need a drink" (it was quite a drive) and how the waitress wanted our drink orders right off the bat. He had two non alcoholic drinks...I didn't count, he told me.
So who's to say? Is it the first day of one day at a time? I am not sure.
But it is for me.
Anvil..I used your reasoning....that if it is something, anything that bothers me, sadly, maybe we are just not the right fit and we would both be happier (god it hurt to say it) if he was able to be with someone who would happily drink with him or was not bothered by his drinking and I could stop my episodes of booze watch.
I know I have issues that would be deal breakers for other men, and I understand that.
If a man had a pet boa he fed kittens too, I would not be with that person even if it did not happen around me. It would just not be an option, neither is alcoholism for me, not anymore.
Shortly after that post he came into the bedroom, I asked him if he was still ok with the dinner plans wed made, he said yes and that he would only have one beer, he wanted to run that by me.
I told him I would be FINE with one beer if that did not start the escalation again, but he had to face that it would, AGAIN as it has every other time, and he would have to make the choice.
He claimed he had stocked up on the beer for our house guests and got tired of it switched to the wine. and NEVER thought of moving on to the vodka left behind. I had to stifle a laugh.
Long story short, we revisitd our conversation from a few moths back...when he was crying and begging for my help.
I reminded him that our deal and this time frame and there are only two Conditions.
There was other help online he could find if he did not want to work an AA program, that he was smart, but not smarter than booze, that he could not out think this one. Never has, never will despite is case that he COULD control it "sometimes"
I told him all I knew for sure was that I knew that I was changing my behavior. I had my boundaries and I loved him and would support him, but that I can't really HELP him. I tried with a dad and an ex husband and that I did not plan on doing it anymore. Reminded him that my history with alcoholics is much longer than his and I could not do it anymore until he was a 70 year old bitter man and I would be the same, but much more tired of trying to hold it all together.
That I could not and would not control his drinking. I am not his babysitter or his drink police or his mother.
It's shocking when I stop and think how prevalent alcohol is. The moment we arrived to dinner they pushed the wine bottle towards us "here you need a drink" (it was quite a drive) and how the waitress wanted our drink orders right off the bat. He had two non alcoholic drinks...I didn't count, he told me.
So who's to say? Is it the first day of one day at a time? I am not sure.
But it is for me.
Anvil..I used your reasoning....that if it is something, anything that bothers me, sadly, maybe we are just not the right fit and we would both be happier (god it hurt to say it) if he was able to be with someone who would happily drink with him or was not bothered by his drinking and I could stop my episodes of booze watch.
I know I have issues that would be deal breakers for other men, and I understand that.
If a man had a pet boa he fed kittens too, I would not be with that person even if it did not happen around me. It would just not be an option, neither is alcoholism for me, not anymore.
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The wine probably sounded good after he cooked with it. Alcohol is alcohol. It can't touch his lips at all if he chooses to try sobriety. That whole "it all cooks out" thing is bs. I believe Hammer's wife's relapse was due to vanilla extract. It could be cough syrup, mouthwash, or anything with alcohol in it. He can't have it. Stick to your guns about your conditions for remaining in the relationship. If he chooses sobriety, great. If he doesn't, then I hope your expectations were set to zero from the start.
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