positivechang

I was the poster whose AH assaulted me before Thanksgiving after a weekend vodka binge....

Well, my AH is still in jail. There is still a No Contact Order in place.
His mom went to visit him last week, for the first time and some interesting things came to light.

My AH told her that he doesn't remember a thing about the assault. The last thing he remembers is chugging a bottle on his walk, and then all the sudden waking up in a cell wondering-"what the bleep did I do!?" He asked the staff what happened, and all they would tell him was his charges and about the no-contact order. I was racking his brain to remember anything.

So, he was telling his mom this while crying. His mom told him he messed up big time, and he had punched me in the face. I guess once he heard this he sobbed in disbelief. He just found out a few days ago! Wow! He is very remorseful about his actions.

This confuses my heart. Makes me wonder if this was his bottom. Could he possibly get sober for the long haul now? How would we even salvage our marriage at this point? I'm lost. I wasn't expecting his reaction....

positivechang

*oops, he was racking HIS brain...not I....

RhodeIsland

He could remember it and pretend not to.

It makes him much more sympathetic than "yeah I hit her but I was realllly pissed"

I sense manipulation.

djayr

I would just give it some time and try to enjoy the heck out of your peace and freedom you have while he is jail. My experience with AW is she does get nice, and even sorry, when she is sober.

But what is your AH going to do about alcohol in the short and long run?

choublak

I'm calling BS.

RhodeIsland

the most important factor should that you remember it

OnawaMiniya

Don't let your heart be confused, love.

Ask yourself is it better for your heart to take action based on whether he shows (what may be fake) remorse after the fact, or to take action based on the fact that he assaulted you?

Just post here when you are confused.

And take care of you.

Hugs.

Peace.

Charmed3

8 years ago my STX did something to me that I was certain was his bottom. To avoid clear recognition of my case I won't say what he did but it was something that has affected me deeply since and I now realize I should have ran and not looked back. He also claimed blackout and went to treatment to prove his intention stop drinking and to save our marriage. He did well for a while but then relapsed time and again and though he never did anything as bad as the 8 yr old event the combined damage left in his wake has taken it's toll on me.

In the last 3 years it was clear he well remembered and the blackout was the easy excuse. At the time I had really thought because he had so much remorse that we could work through it. This time I left for good because he was threatening to do the same thing he did during his supposed blackout.

I do believe he was remorseful back then... However, I now KNOW he is an active alcoholic, never REALLY worked a program and therefore is incapable of having any kind of true remorse.

Back then .. I wanted to, believed I could .... help him because he wanted help.

If only I knew then what I know now.

lillamy

Babe,

I'm on my phone and can't get links to post right now but your story gave me goosebumps. I read a story recently about a man who woke up in jail and wondered when his wife would be there to pick him up. He's now serving a life sentence: he shot his wife in front of his children during a drunken rage and claims to have no memory of it.

Sorry to be harsh but you're lucky it's only beating you he can't remember. It could have been killing you.

The only thing there really is to be confused about is why you're talking to his mother. I don't often say this but I will now: stay the eff away from that dude. Seriously.

Stung

I bet its not his bottom if you're still willing to take him back. If you're even still considering it, it's not his bottom. I think when he finally does something that turns you off of him once and for all, then he might hit his bottom.

My AH claims that he's hit his bottom everytime he has one of those next morning remorse sessions. And yet everytime he subsequently gets blackout drunk again he seems to find a new low. He's now thankfully out of our home for at least the next 30 days but I know he can and will find a new low again.

PippiLngstockng

First time xah was in trouble for being abusive towards me, he came out of jail crying. Turns out those crocodile tears were for himself. Not me. He hired an expensive vicious lawyer when it went to court but I just stood before the judge and said before the disbelieving crowd that it was just a misunderstanding.

Fast forward four years and it had gotten worse. Four years of being stifled, isolated, scared.

Don't believe the tears mean what you want them to mean, no matter how much you don't want to face the truth.

If we have anything on this board, it is Hard. Earned. Wisdom.

BoxinRotz

Does it confuse your heart when he locks you out of the bank acct? Because that is just plain malice right there, when your HUSBAND locks YOU out of resources because he's showing you who the man of that house is. He's a JOKE. I wouldn't believe him if his tongue came notarized.

theuncertainty

Positive, I can only share my experience. My XAH was always sorry after he did whatever he did *that* time. He may have been truly remorseful for his behavior, or he coud have been sorry he had to suffer consequences, or he could have been sorry that the friends we were out with thought he was an a-- and *I* made him look bad... I don't know.

I do know his remorse didn't last long. It was never strong enough to make him realize he needed to change. It wasn't enough to keep him from 'behaving badly' again.

His excuses ran the gamut from, 'I didn't mean to. I would never hurt you.' to 'I'd had a rough day....' to 'I'd had a little too much to drink. I didn't realize how close I was standing to you.' to 'I don't remember doing that. I'd had a lot to drink.'

I wanted to believe him so much. I loved him. He said he loved me. You don't mean to do stuff like that to a person you love, right? So I believed it was all an accident, the alcohol... He'd never do that sober.... Until he did. But I'd gotten so used to believing, that I kept on believing the excuses and I didn't see the pattern.

Watch to see what he does. Does he take responsibility for his actions? (And just a note of what I didn't understand when in the thick of it: saying sorry isn't taking responsibility.) Does he understand if your trust is shattered and give you the time and space you need to pick up the pieces? Does he respect the no contact order? Does he seek help - not just for his drinking, but for his behavior towards you? Does his behavior change? And not just an immediate knee-jerk reaction change, but an on-going, cognizant effort to better how he handles stress or raw emotions...

Give yourself time to observe not only his actions but also how you truly feel about all of this.
Sending hugs.

LadyinBC

It is pretty easy for us alcoholics to say "I don't remember". Personally I used that a lot to make excuses for my behaviour. I did remember things but because I didn't want to deal with it, I just said I was drunk and didn't remember.

Please don't be fooled by this and as much as want you, you can't follow your heart, this man punched you in the face. You look out for number one and that is yourself.

Seren

Hello positivechang,

As the others have said, I don't know that I would put too much weight on his 'jail house confession'. Even if he does not remember it, you do, and it did happen. Even if he does not remember it, it in no way minimizes what he did.

There are plenty of alcoholics who never, never, ever, hit anyone even in a blackout.

More important than any of this, however, how are you? How have you been feeling? What have your meetings with the DV Shelter couselors and advocates been like?

courage2

I don't know if as an alcoholic I'm welcome in this forum, but I read this thread & just wanted to say 2 things

positivechang, I'm sorry for what you're going through. I'm sure it's painful & confusing.

Blackouts are real, & I wouldn't be surprised if your husband truly can't remember. However, I don't think drunks do things that are completely out of character in blackouts. I've never believed other alcoholics who say that they were "another person" when drinking. Alcohol just allows bad character qualities that we otherwise try to hide to rise to the surface. In other words, whether he hit you drunk or sober, he's an abusive guy.

I hope it's not a problem for me to be here -- I'm a child of an alcoholic (and grandchild, niece, cousin, friend, etc) and I feel a lot of sympathy for what you folks go through with your friends & families.

LadyinBC

I'm an alcoholic and have always felt very welcome in this forum.

I like reading and participating in the threads here.

SparklingSeven

I woke up one late afternoon whilst staying at relatives.

No-one would talk to me as I had been very abusive to my wife(ex) while drunk - which was completely out of charater. I had ABSOLUTELY NO MEMORY OF IT AT ALL.

Didn't stop me drinking. Many, many years and similar/worse issues before that happened.

Hopeworks

Just about every alcoholic/addict expresses remorse and claim blackout when confronted with the reality that they deserve prison or worse!

Please someone share a story about a Asshat A who is arrested for abuse and is STUCK in jail that arrogantly claims the B deserved it???

I am in the criminal justice system. They all claim innocence of the charges against them except when the evidence is so overwhelmingly clear (bad facts lawyers call them) that they are guilty. Then we get a whole litany of excuses and remorse to try to get sympathy from the courts and victims.

Remorse is fine but it is a far cry from recovery which is an active program being worked by someone who wants to stop drinking more than their next breath and are willing to do whatever it takes...WHATEVER it takes.

Now... this guy had no interest in stopping drinking until he woke up in jail and if jail stopped A's we could lock em all up and solve the problem. But jail and handcuffs do not equal recovery and remorse can be a teeny tiny start... but recovery is a long, long road and the A needs to trudge it alone because then it MIGHT stick.

Run. Run fast. Hit the eject button. In a year take a peek at his life and see if he is working an authentic active program of recovery... even if he is it will always be Russian roulette because alcoholism is a lifelong disease and he does have abuse issues. Huge... HUGE red flag.

Lastly... you can wring the alcohol out of an asshat and all you have left is the asshat..........

We WISH they were Prince Charming and our dreams are often just fantasies that we feed.... if wishes were horses we would all be riding.

Good luck...

kudzujean

No, you said it right the first time. "I was racking his brain to remember anything."

As another poster said, he could remember it all and be lying about it.

Either way, he's trouble with a capital T.

I hope you get away from him.