Child of an alcoholic mother-please listen
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 2
Child of an alcoholic mother-please listen
Hello everyone =) My name is Christina and I am the 20-year-old-daughter of someone who has a drinking problem or is an alcoholic. No matter how you word it, I am affected by her drinking. My mother is a lightweight and definitely abuses alcohol, and she becomes a very different person when she drinks. There was one horrible incident my senior year of high school where she threw up all over her bedroom and got a severe wound from bumping her head. Earlier that night my brother had punched a window because he was upset at her drinking, and my dad had to take him to the hospital, so I was in my room when she bumped herself and was throwing up, and she was all alone until my dad found her. I was just very emotionally scarred from this incident, and there have been more minor incidents since then.
I am now a college student and I live at college, and I find during the semesters I feel much happier because I am not constantly worrying about my mother. My younger bother will be in college starting in August, and my dad has to travel sometimes for business. I joined this forum tonight because I just started having upsetting thoughts such as, "What if she falls down the stairs while very drunk and no one is home to save her?" I think I have mild anxiety from wondering if she'll hurt herself or die from drinking. I wonder what would happen if my dad died in a freak accident--I wonder if she would just kill herself from drinking if something like that happened. I have done a little research and I understand that no one can stop an alcoholic if they are intent on drinking. I just, for some reason, feel so responsible especially if she died all alone in the house or something like that. It haunts me. What can I do? Is there anything I can do? She doesn't abuse alcohol every day, and that one horrible night was already two years ago, but especially on the weekends she has a hard time stopping at just a couple drinks, and I always feel the need to watch her or monitor her even if I can't do anything to convince her to just not to drink period. Any advice in general for me? =) I really appreciate it.
I am now a college student and I live at college, and I find during the semesters I feel much happier because I am not constantly worrying about my mother. My younger bother will be in college starting in August, and my dad has to travel sometimes for business. I joined this forum tonight because I just started having upsetting thoughts such as, "What if she falls down the stairs while very drunk and no one is home to save her?" I think I have mild anxiety from wondering if she'll hurt herself or die from drinking. I wonder what would happen if my dad died in a freak accident--I wonder if she would just kill herself from drinking if something like that happened. I have done a little research and I understand that no one can stop an alcoholic if they are intent on drinking. I just, for some reason, feel so responsible especially if she died all alone in the house or something like that. It haunts me. What can I do? Is there anything I can do? She doesn't abuse alcohol every day, and that one horrible night was already two years ago, but especially on the weekends she has a hard time stopping at just a couple drinks, and I always feel the need to watch her or monitor her even if I can't do anything to convince her to just not to drink period. Any advice in general for me? =) I really appreciate it.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Hi, glad you found this forum though I'm sorry for your upsetting experiences that brought you here.
I'm sorry for the pain you feel.
Maybe you could ask your father to look into whether Life Alert Medical Response System or a similar system can be used in her circumstances, if she regularly finds herself in dangerous circumstances due to drinking. I don't know if that's really a viable option, but couldn't hurt to ask your father to look into it.
Hope you stick around and continue posting. It helps.
Take care of yourself.
Peace.
I'm sorry for the pain you feel.
Maybe you could ask your father to look into whether Life Alert Medical Response System or a similar system can be used in her circumstances, if she regularly finds herself in dangerous circumstances due to drinking. I don't know if that's really a viable option, but couldn't hurt to ask your father to look into it.
Hope you stick around and continue posting. It helps.
Take care of yourself.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
And by the way, it wouldn't ever be your fault if she put herself in a position that ended unfortunately, as you fear. I know that's of little comfort and that, in tragic circumstances, people tend to think those things about themselves. But the truth is it could never be your fault.
Peace.
Peace.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello christiina, Welcome to SR!
I'm sorry to hear about your Mom....sorry for her illness, sorry that you and your brother have grown up in a home with active alcoholism.
The really sad truth is that your mother will not stop drinking until she decides she is ready--when the pain caused by drinking is greater than the fear of living without it.
This is one of the posts I read early on in my membership at SR, and it helped a lot!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Another sub-forum here you might find helpful is this one. You are not at all alone as someone who grew up in a home with active addiction.
Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Please make yourself at home here....
I'm sorry to hear about your Mom....sorry for her illness, sorry that you and your brother have grown up in a home with active alcoholism.
The really sad truth is that your mother will not stop drinking until she decides she is ready--when the pain caused by drinking is greater than the fear of living without it.
This is one of the posts I read early on in my membership at SR, and it helped a lot!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Another sub-forum here you might find helpful is this one. You are not at all alone as someone who grew up in a home with active addiction.
Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Please make yourself at home here....
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
You aren't responsible for your mother. You didn't cause it,you can't control it, you can't cure it. Is it possible for you to get counselling through your college? Are there any Alanon meetings near you?
Originally Posted by christiina 
Hello everyone =) My name is Christina and I am the 20-year-old-daughter of someone who has a drinking problem or is an alcoholic. No matter how you word it, I am affected by her drinking. My mother is a lightweight and definitely abuses alcohol, and she becomes a very different person when she drinks. There was one horrible incident my senior year of high school where she threw up all over her bedroom and got a severe wound from bumping her head. Earlier that night my brother had punched a window because he was upset at her drinking, and my dad had to take him to the hospital, so I was in my room when she bumped herself and was throwing up, and she was all alone until my dad found her. I was just very emotionally scarred from this incident, and there have been more minor incidents since then.
I am now a college student and I live at college, and I find during the semesters I feel much happier because I am not constantly worrying about my mother. My younger bother will be in college starting in August, and my dad has to travel sometimes for business. I joined this forum tonight because I just started having upsetting thoughts such as, "What if she falls down the stairs while very drunk and no one is home to save her?" I think I have mild anxiety from wondering if she'll hurt herself or die from drinking. I wonder what would happen if my dad died in a freak accident--I wonder if she would just kill herself from drinking if something like that happened. I have done a little research and I understand that no one can stop an alcoholic if they are intent on drinking. I just, for some reason, feel so responsible especially if she died all alone in the house or something like that. It haunts me. What can I do? Is there anything I can do? She doesn't abuse alcohol every day, and that one horrible night was already two years ago, but especially on the weekends she has a hard time stopping at just a couple drinks, and I always feel the need to watch her or monitor her even if I can't do anything to convince her to just not to drink period. Any advice in general for me? =) I really appreciate it.
I am now a college student and I live at college, and I find during the semesters I feel much happier because I am not constantly worrying about my mother. My younger bother will be in college starting in August, and my dad has to travel sometimes for business. I joined this forum tonight because I just started having upsetting thoughts such as, "What if she falls down the stairs while very drunk and no one is home to save her?" I think I have mild anxiety from wondering if she'll hurt herself or die from drinking. I wonder what would happen if my dad died in a freak accident--I wonder if she would just kill herself from drinking if something like that happened. I have done a little research and I understand that no one can stop an alcoholic if they are intent on drinking. I just, for some reason, feel so responsible especially if she died all alone in the house or something like that. It haunts me. What can I do? Is there anything I can do? She doesn't abuse alcohol every day, and that one horrible night was already two years ago, but especially on the weekends she has a hard time stopping at just a couple drinks, and I always feel the need to watch her or monitor her even if I can't do anything to convince her to just not to drink period. Any advice in general for me? =) I really appreciate it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Hi Christina,
I am an adult child of an alcoholic and I have experienced the anxiety you are feeling about my parents. I used to worry about both of them and feel like I had to "fix" the family and the reality is that the only person we can control is ourselves. We cannot make someone drink and we cannot make them stop. We cannot give up our own peace and sanity and sacrifice our lives by babysitting someone 24/7 because they will not deal with their own issues. In fact, if we do this (and I did) we actually cripple them from finding their own way out of the disease.
It took me decades to unravel the craziness of my family of origin and find a healthy balance and key to a life of serenity and peace. You can fast track it by what you are doing... hang out with us survivors and we will share our journey with you here on SR.
Read, read, read all you can on alcoholism and codependency. Find an alanon group near you that you like. Keep looking until you find one.
If you can find counseling on campus or in your area this can be a huge help...it was for me.
Once you have plugged all of these things in and processed everything you may find that you have some clear direction on how to handle your unhealthy family in a way that works for YOU!
Please, please take care of you! You are worth it and NOT responsible for other adults especially parents! Remember, you are not superhuman nor are you God... releasing those we love to our HP is so freeing!
And you my dear deserve to be free....
I am an adult child of an alcoholic and I have experienced the anxiety you are feeling about my parents. I used to worry about both of them and feel like I had to "fix" the family and the reality is that the only person we can control is ourselves. We cannot make someone drink and we cannot make them stop. We cannot give up our own peace and sanity and sacrifice our lives by babysitting someone 24/7 because they will not deal with their own issues. In fact, if we do this (and I did) we actually cripple them from finding their own way out of the disease.
It took me decades to unravel the craziness of my family of origin and find a healthy balance and key to a life of serenity and peace. You can fast track it by what you are doing... hang out with us survivors and we will share our journey with you here on SR.
Read, read, read all you can on alcoholism and codependency. Find an alanon group near you that you like. Keep looking until you find one.
If you can find counseling on campus or in your area this can be a huge help...it was for me.
Once you have plugged all of these things in and processed everything you may find that you have some clear direction on how to handle your unhealthy family in a way that works for YOU!
Please, please take care of you! You are worth it and NOT responsible for other adults especially parents! Remember, you are not superhuman nor are you God... releasing those we love to our HP is so freeing!
And you my dear deserve to be free....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
Hi, Christina. I'm sorry you have to be here. I'm also the adult child of an alcoholic (in my case, my father.) Now that he's in his 70s, he does drink less but still drinks every day. Have you looked into al-anon? If your area has one, an adult child of alcoholic (ACOA or ACA) meeting might be helpful.
Al-Anon meetings
ACOA meetings
Al-Anon meetings
ACOA meetings
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello my dear. Congratulations on going to college and getting away from that insanity. I understand how you feel, but you cannot take this upon yourself. She is a grown adult, you are the child. It is not your job to be her mother. You did not cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot cure this.
I encourage you to speak to your dad and family about how you feel. Ultimately, she has a problem she is only going to deal with when she is ready for herself. You will have to accept that that may be never. It may be tomorrow. We just really never know. However, you have no influence over it and would not even if you lived there. It would simply be one more person being miserable.
Hugs and many blessings to you. I hope you go forward and have a successful college experience. I encourage you to seek out therapy in college. Many times it is free or a very reduced cost and could really help you sort through your feelings about all of this.
God Bless. Keep posting, you are not alone!
I encourage you to speak to your dad and family about how you feel. Ultimately, she has a problem she is only going to deal with when she is ready for herself. You will have to accept that that may be never. It may be tomorrow. We just really never know. However, you have no influence over it and would not even if you lived there. It would simply be one more person being miserable.
Hugs and many blessings to you. I hope you go forward and have a successful college experience. I encourage you to seek out therapy in college. Many times it is free or a very reduced cost and could really help you sort through your feelings about all of this.
God Bless. Keep posting, you are not alone!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Naples Florida
Posts: 23
Hi Christiina,
That is very hard to deal with I am sure. One thing that maybe you could consider is that she still needs to know that you care about her and you support her. YOU DO NOT SUPPORT her drinking, but you should tell her that you will be right there with her if she seeks help. In fact, it might be good for you to take the first step so she sees that you are willing to help her by going to a counselor or getting outside help.
Another thing is trying out Al-anon.
You mentioned she becomes a different person when she drinks. I have studied the brain for some time and may be able to offer you some insight to what is happening. Alcoholics may seem like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
The brain has been described by neuroscience as a functioning “team of rivals.” This is because the brain is a multiple structured system in which the different structures fight against each other for dominance. In order for the brain to properly operate, it must be at balance. Long-term use of the addict’s drug of choice (Alcohol in this case), throws off this balance in which the rational part of the brain is “hijacked” by the pre-rational brain (the limbic system) that is associated with pleasure/rewards.
Research indicates that an addiction causes an imbalance of the brain in which the emotional part overrides the rational part because of the high psychological payoff that the alcohol provides to the addict’s brain.
A normally balanced brain becomes switched into a pathologically imbalanced brain. Science refers to this process as “hijacking.” Researchers believe that some experiences that are either very pleasurable or very frightening can even make the neural firing pathway become permanently imprinted just from a single and powerful event. These are called emotional memories. Neuroscience now recognizes that these emotional memories can be created by a very pleasurable experience such as a drug high or alcohol. This is why individuals in thier teens to mid 20s are particularly susceptible. The brain isnt fully developed until later in thier 20s.
this is why they may seem irrational at times or like completely different people.
That is very hard to deal with I am sure. One thing that maybe you could consider is that she still needs to know that you care about her and you support her. YOU DO NOT SUPPORT her drinking, but you should tell her that you will be right there with her if she seeks help. In fact, it might be good for you to take the first step so she sees that you are willing to help her by going to a counselor or getting outside help.
Another thing is trying out Al-anon.
You mentioned she becomes a different person when she drinks. I have studied the brain for some time and may be able to offer you some insight to what is happening. Alcoholics may seem like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
The brain has been described by neuroscience as a functioning “team of rivals.” This is because the brain is a multiple structured system in which the different structures fight against each other for dominance. In order for the brain to properly operate, it must be at balance. Long-term use of the addict’s drug of choice (Alcohol in this case), throws off this balance in which the rational part of the brain is “hijacked” by the pre-rational brain (the limbic system) that is associated with pleasure/rewards.
Research indicates that an addiction causes an imbalance of the brain in which the emotional part overrides the rational part because of the high psychological payoff that the alcohol provides to the addict’s brain.
A normally balanced brain becomes switched into a pathologically imbalanced brain. Science refers to this process as “hijacking.” Researchers believe that some experiences that are either very pleasurable or very frightening can even make the neural firing pathway become permanently imprinted just from a single and powerful event. These are called emotional memories. Neuroscience now recognizes that these emotional memories can be created by a very pleasurable experience such as a drug high or alcohol. This is why individuals in thier teens to mid 20s are particularly susceptible. The brain isnt fully developed until later in thier 20s.
this is why they may seem irrational at times or like completely different people.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Hi Christina nice to meet you and glad you found us. What a strong courageous young woman you are, how healthy for you to look into this issue that causes you such stress. Very proud of you for that!!!!
Worry brings about anxiety and stopping that worry takes some practice and time and a lot of patience with your self.
A long time ago when I first entered al-anon someone told me: stop making up lies in your head of things that have not happened. That sentence stuck with me and I applied it each and every time I began to make up those stories (lies) in my head of all the what if’s.
The other thing that helps very much is repeating the serenity prayer –
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Worry brings about anxiety and stopping that worry takes some practice and time and a lot of patience with your self.
A long time ago when I first entered al-anon someone told me: stop making up lies in your head of things that have not happened. That sentence stuck with me and I applied it each and every time I began to make up those stories (lies) in my head of all the what if’s.
The other thing that helps very much is repeating the serenity prayer –
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 2
Wow everyone, I am floored by all of your advice, support, and personal stories. I really really really appreciate it. Each of my family members deals with it their own way, and I suppose I'm lucky compared to some because this isn't an every day occurrence in my family--it happens too often for it to not worry me though. I'm going to check out the resources you all suggested, and find an Al-anon meeting in my town. You are all amazing.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: NC
Posts: 199
Hi Christina. I know the fear and anxiety you're talking about. Well. My 22 year old son is a recovering A. He lives in a condo an hour and a half away while finishing up college. When he was drinking I used to worry myself sick over the same thing. I'd worry about him falling down the steps and breaking his neck or passing out in the snow and freezing to death. I also made myself sick with fear that he's pass out and choke to death on his own vomit. Al Anon helped me immensely. I started working the steps and turned it all over to a Higher Power. It wasn't easy, by any means, but life became easier to get through and i found myself learning to worry less. One of the things that helped me was repeating the serenity prayer over and over and/or getting my mind off of it when those fears and thought crept in. It took time, but it got better. I finally realized that I just couldn't control what happened with my son and I had t let it go. I just couldn't let his alcoholism bring me down too. I also saw a counselor and he asked me how I'd feel about all the time I wasted worrying 5 years from now if none of those scenarios ever happened. That made sense to me. Fear is False Evidence Appearing Real. You don't know that those things you worry about are going to happen so why worry about them? Don't waste YOUR life on them. You can't control sweetie. I know it's difficult, but if you get to an AlAnon meeting they'll help you so much.
Kaleidoscope eyes
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London
Posts: 5,243
I'm not sure if I am supposed to post in this bit, but I was the alcoholic mother. Luckily I got well before the kids became adult although one was 16 when I was a mess, but it affected them badly. They still talk about it now and again and so they should as I hold myself accountable. You should NEVER feel guilty or over-worry yourself. I remember even saying to my kids when they were naughty, 'it's your fault I'm like this' and of course it wasn't that was a ludicrous and cruel thing for me to say. Now they have a healthy attitude about it and although we have a good relationship they know it was wrong and nothing to do with them. They also know that there was little they could do about it although they tried. My youngest daughter was three when she hid empty bottles so her father didn't find them. Don't worry about her so much. I know if I was still active, I wouldn't want my kids to feel responsible because it wouldn't be right. All you can do is hope something clicks with your mum eventually and she tries to get well. If not and it upsets you, keep your distance. She has the right to damage herself if she so wishes, but not you xxxxx
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