28 years and so tired-how do you leave?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: CO
Posts: 2
28 years and so tired-how do you leave?
I have never posted here and thank you for reading and sorry if it skips around, but here goes, my AH of 28 years drank when we got married so did I. For most of our marriage we had the kids and work to keep us busy, he worked full time and was always the major bread winner. Although he always drank a lot, for the last 10 years or so he started drinking at 6:00 a.m. the last seven he has been going through a 30 pack of beer a day and barely working. I drank minimally and not at all for most of that time while raising the kids and still do not drink much. In July I told him I was not doing this anymore. Tired of watching him drink himself to death while I work and take care over Everything! Not to mention babysitting him and building his ego so he would even try to get a job. Of course interviewing while smelling like a street drunk not many jobs came through.
He would be gone already except he said he wanted to quit drinking and get a job for me to save the marriage. So because everyone told me “but you have been married 28 years and he is trying so hard you should give him a chance”, not to mention I blindsided him (in his haze everything was just fine, didn’t see any of this coming) against my better judgment I said OK. So he dried out in the camper for a week and then wanted to move back in. So ok he did, a few more weeks in the camper here and there when he gave up and drank because I wouldn’t say I love you and give him hope.
I have not told him I love him since July which he pushes me on. I really just don’t think I do anymore. He recently had a health issue and instead of concern all I felt was resentment that he was racking up medical bills. If we have a semi pleasant conversation in the evenings he thinks everything is ok. We are so stilted and on guard together. I don’t know how to relax and have fun around him. He has to try to hold my hand every night like he’s trying to hold on to me and it drives me crazy. We went to a marriage counselor 3 times when she asked if we wanted to come back AH said he didn’t see the point if things weren’t going to be any different in a month.
He drinks non-alcoholic beer around me and he starts that at 6:00 a.m. He hasn’t changed the behavior
He is drinking again anyway, and has been drunk everyday for the last 4 or 5 days for sure, but thinks he is covering it well. He asked the kids to cover for him, I told them they don’t need to. The smell, dropping his cigarettes over and over, slurring his words, argumentative, etc. I don’t bother saying anything. I’m just waiting to implode.
He won’t go the AA, he says all they talk about is the last time they had a drink. He won’t get new friends because he says sober people are boring. He has no spiritual life, never really has. Thinks he can make it with me as his inspiration.
I told him in the beginning I needed more space and friends, but he has made me the center of his universe because he has no one to hang out with and tried to join us at the hip. I am a virtual prisoner, if I am not paying attention to or with him all of the time I am ignoring him. I have gone out with my sister who is my only friend three times in the last 3 months, twice were to go to evening church and hang out which caused a fight. He is so jealous of my time and threatened by my sister because I told him I thought I should go stay with her for a while, of course he said no because that means we are separated and everyone he knows that has separated got divorced. That is what he threatens me with is if we separate in any way it is irreversibly over.
Tells me he wants equal time, if I do something with her I have to give him equal time. But we don’t really have anything in common we like to do together anymore.
He hasn’t been violent or verbally abusive, never screwed around etc. OK he hasn’t been violent for the most part, he has never hit any of us, but there have been so many fights and one night last winter my middle son and I had to wrestle a gun he was in the process of loading to threaten said son with away from him. Our two youngest boys in their 20’s live with us. We don’t fight much now because I don’t bother. Although we do snipe at each other a lot. His brain is fried and he is not the same smart person he was years ago.
So why am I still here? Guilt! He acts so hurt and I feel partially responsible for not saying something years ago and letting him become this dysfunctional. I just thought he should be able to look at how things were and realize they were unacceptable. I can’t say that I never said anything. I used to tell him he needed to quit drinking and get a job or at the very minimum get a job, any job, but I never put the relationship on the line. And he was always too drunk to comprehend what he heard anyway. I feel like the marriage ended years ago. I am tired of being embarrassed at family get togethers and social situations where he starts an argument with family or is falling down drunk.
He is acting like a whipped puppy right now. He won’t fight, he is being too nice, tells me he knows he screwed up but is trying to make it better, he is fixing everything around the house he has been letting go for the last several years. He is always low key not starting fights unless it is about me not spending time with him, not saying I love you or not holding his hand first. Wanting to do things together (suffocating). He got a job that will work out long term and train him to be a plumber (if he can keep it now that he is drinking again). We got the studio apartment rented out after doing the repairs. It sat empty for 2 years because it needed repairs but we couldn’t afford them and it wasn’t his priority as long as I got the bills paid somehow. So have extra income. So why isn’t everything better even in the spurts where he isn’t drinking? My sister and boss tell me I am just being manipulated.
Anyway, he thinks because he is working, fixing things and pretending not to drink our marriage should be fixed and I should tell him I love him, which makes me feel like a hostage. When we do argue and he sees he is losing me the tears start, he acts all hurt and I feel really mean and start to second guess myself and wonder if I am just having a midlife crisis, I’m 50 and I don’t want to spend the next 20 years like this. My upbringing was self sacrifice for others and their happiness, you’re not supposed to hurt other people’s feelings and marriage is supposed to be till death do us part, blah, blah, blah. I have reconciled the whole divorce issue and am fine with it spiritually. It is the actual leaving what I have known for 28 years and being single at 50 that I find scary and difficult, not to mention those damn tears of his.
There are options as to who keeps the house and I really don’t care either way. But if he wants to stay and the kids are there I am concerned for their safety if he is drinking because they can’t afford to move out right now. I have a good government job, secret checking and savings account with a little money, I have managed to get a couple of credit cards in my name he knows nothing about, a whole second wardrobe and have been moving things that really mean something to me to my sisters in case I am the one who leaves the house. I don’t want to pack with him there and I chicken out with the tears. I don’t know how destructive he might become drunk and depressed and if he will destroy my stuff. I worry about the dogs I would have to leave there too, he doesn’t really like them.
I have been working on my exit plan for almost 4 years and when I told him I wasn’t doing this anymore in July I really thought he would just leave and keep drinking, I wasn’t prepared for the whole trying thing. I didn’t expect him to be so attached to me, perhaps because I am not that attached to him. I know I am not trying, I am tired. I know I need to get to Al-anon and I will. But can somebody tell me how to just grow a pair and let go of the guilt and fear? Do I have to stay because he's "trying" and people will be disappointed?
He would be gone already except he said he wanted to quit drinking and get a job for me to save the marriage. So because everyone told me “but you have been married 28 years and he is trying so hard you should give him a chance”, not to mention I blindsided him (in his haze everything was just fine, didn’t see any of this coming) against my better judgment I said OK. So he dried out in the camper for a week and then wanted to move back in. So ok he did, a few more weeks in the camper here and there when he gave up and drank because I wouldn’t say I love you and give him hope.
I have not told him I love him since July which he pushes me on. I really just don’t think I do anymore. He recently had a health issue and instead of concern all I felt was resentment that he was racking up medical bills. If we have a semi pleasant conversation in the evenings he thinks everything is ok. We are so stilted and on guard together. I don’t know how to relax and have fun around him. He has to try to hold my hand every night like he’s trying to hold on to me and it drives me crazy. We went to a marriage counselor 3 times when she asked if we wanted to come back AH said he didn’t see the point if things weren’t going to be any different in a month.
He drinks non-alcoholic beer around me and he starts that at 6:00 a.m. He hasn’t changed the behavior
He is drinking again anyway, and has been drunk everyday for the last 4 or 5 days for sure, but thinks he is covering it well. He asked the kids to cover for him, I told them they don’t need to. The smell, dropping his cigarettes over and over, slurring his words, argumentative, etc. I don’t bother saying anything. I’m just waiting to implode.
He won’t go the AA, he says all they talk about is the last time they had a drink. He won’t get new friends because he says sober people are boring. He has no spiritual life, never really has. Thinks he can make it with me as his inspiration.
I told him in the beginning I needed more space and friends, but he has made me the center of his universe because he has no one to hang out with and tried to join us at the hip. I am a virtual prisoner, if I am not paying attention to or with him all of the time I am ignoring him. I have gone out with my sister who is my only friend three times in the last 3 months, twice were to go to evening church and hang out which caused a fight. He is so jealous of my time and threatened by my sister because I told him I thought I should go stay with her for a while, of course he said no because that means we are separated and everyone he knows that has separated got divorced. That is what he threatens me with is if we separate in any way it is irreversibly over.
Tells me he wants equal time, if I do something with her I have to give him equal time. But we don’t really have anything in common we like to do together anymore.
He hasn’t been violent or verbally abusive, never screwed around etc. OK he hasn’t been violent for the most part, he has never hit any of us, but there have been so many fights and one night last winter my middle son and I had to wrestle a gun he was in the process of loading to threaten said son with away from him. Our two youngest boys in their 20’s live with us. We don’t fight much now because I don’t bother. Although we do snipe at each other a lot. His brain is fried and he is not the same smart person he was years ago.
So why am I still here? Guilt! He acts so hurt and I feel partially responsible for not saying something years ago and letting him become this dysfunctional. I just thought he should be able to look at how things were and realize they were unacceptable. I can’t say that I never said anything. I used to tell him he needed to quit drinking and get a job or at the very minimum get a job, any job, but I never put the relationship on the line. And he was always too drunk to comprehend what he heard anyway. I feel like the marriage ended years ago. I am tired of being embarrassed at family get togethers and social situations where he starts an argument with family or is falling down drunk.
He is acting like a whipped puppy right now. He won’t fight, he is being too nice, tells me he knows he screwed up but is trying to make it better, he is fixing everything around the house he has been letting go for the last several years. He is always low key not starting fights unless it is about me not spending time with him, not saying I love you or not holding his hand first. Wanting to do things together (suffocating). He got a job that will work out long term and train him to be a plumber (if he can keep it now that he is drinking again). We got the studio apartment rented out after doing the repairs. It sat empty for 2 years because it needed repairs but we couldn’t afford them and it wasn’t his priority as long as I got the bills paid somehow. So have extra income. So why isn’t everything better even in the spurts where he isn’t drinking? My sister and boss tell me I am just being manipulated.
Anyway, he thinks because he is working, fixing things and pretending not to drink our marriage should be fixed and I should tell him I love him, which makes me feel like a hostage. When we do argue and he sees he is losing me the tears start, he acts all hurt and I feel really mean and start to second guess myself and wonder if I am just having a midlife crisis, I’m 50 and I don’t want to spend the next 20 years like this. My upbringing was self sacrifice for others and their happiness, you’re not supposed to hurt other people’s feelings and marriage is supposed to be till death do us part, blah, blah, blah. I have reconciled the whole divorce issue and am fine with it spiritually. It is the actual leaving what I have known for 28 years and being single at 50 that I find scary and difficult, not to mention those damn tears of his.
There are options as to who keeps the house and I really don’t care either way. But if he wants to stay and the kids are there I am concerned for their safety if he is drinking because they can’t afford to move out right now. I have a good government job, secret checking and savings account with a little money, I have managed to get a couple of credit cards in my name he knows nothing about, a whole second wardrobe and have been moving things that really mean something to me to my sisters in case I am the one who leaves the house. I don’t want to pack with him there and I chicken out with the tears. I don’t know how destructive he might become drunk and depressed and if he will destroy my stuff. I worry about the dogs I would have to leave there too, he doesn’t really like them.
I have been working on my exit plan for almost 4 years and when I told him I wasn’t doing this anymore in July I really thought he would just leave and keep drinking, I wasn’t prepared for the whole trying thing. I didn’t expect him to be so attached to me, perhaps because I am not that attached to him. I know I am not trying, I am tired. I know I need to get to Al-anon and I will. But can somebody tell me how to just grow a pair and let go of the guilt and fear? Do I have to stay because he's "trying" and people will be disappointed?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: East Coast, The States
Posts: 12,162
First, welcome to SR. It is good of you to post and I hope you'll keep posting! It is very hard to see clearly in these situations.
Do you go to Alanon everyday? It seems to provide a lot of people in your position with some sober sanity to offset the crazy making mindset they get in with their Alcoholic loved one.
And if he resents you going to Alanon, that's all the more reason to demonstrate that that is where you SHOULD go, yes?
Do you go to Alanon everyday? It seems to provide a lot of people in your position with some sober sanity to offset the crazy making mindset they get in with their Alcoholic loved one.
And if he resents you going to Alanon, that's all the more reason to demonstrate that that is where you SHOULD go, yes?
Lord Have Mercy
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 242
When the pain of staying exceeds the fear of leaving, you will leave. I was exactly where you are, using words like trapped and suffocated to describe myself, where I did everything and XAW just mostly drank, and yet I spent so much time feeling guilty.
Then she cheated on me. That hurt so much, I finally said screw it. My life has been better since the minute I moved out in May 2011.
Working my tail off to take care of a person who just made me feel bad most of the time, basically sucked. I'm just now realizing maybe it could be quite a bit better with someone else. Someone nice who has their act together and not an alcoholic. Being alone has been so peaceful.
You will know when you have to leave. Apparently it has to hurt more than it does right now for you. But everyone is different. I wish you the best.
Then she cheated on me. That hurt so much, I finally said screw it. My life has been better since the minute I moved out in May 2011.
Working my tail off to take care of a person who just made me feel bad most of the time, basically sucked. I'm just now realizing maybe it could be quite a bit better with someone else. Someone nice who has their act together and not an alcoholic. Being alone has been so peaceful.
You will know when you have to leave. Apparently it has to hurt more than it does right now for you. But everyone is different. I wish you the best.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 274
I see so much of me in your post especially the health issues, feeling like a prisoner, and feeling stifled. Only you can make the decision but if he wont get help then sadly it will get worse, and you may end up as a carer. I too have a long marriage - 22 years but also a huge age gap. But if you were trying to get the gun of your husband, surely that is dangerous situation? All I can suggest is keep posting and keep reading and realise that many of us are in similar situations.
Take care
Take care
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 274
Just re read your post - you have dogs too. I stay for my beloved cats. You also have children who can't move out yet but is it worth getting legal advice? Maybe you can buy him out? I know the guilt thing only too well.
Not waving, but drowning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 423
No, you don't have to stay!
He isn't "trying" very hard. He is manipulating you. And trying to guilt you into doing what he wants.
He is isolating you and controlling you.
And...you and your son had to wrestle a gun away from him.
Does this sound like what you want? Of course not. I doubt you'd tell a friend she had to stay with her husband if that were the case.
If you are worried about the kids do see a lawyer about keeping the house and getting AH to leave.
You are allowed to be done! Please keep posting here for support.
He isn't "trying" very hard. He is manipulating you. And trying to guilt you into doing what he wants.
He is isolating you and controlling you.
And...you and your son had to wrestle a gun away from him.
Does this sound like what you want? Of course not. I doubt you'd tell a friend she had to stay with her husband if that were the case.
If you are worried about the kids do see a lawyer about keeping the house and getting AH to leave.
You are allowed to be done! Please keep posting here for support.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
wilddaisy---Please, please, do not leave the dogs with him!!!! And, while you are at it--find some way to "lose" that gun--and, any others that he might get his hands on. (many times, guns "accidently" fall to the bottom of the river).
I am usually not so direct in my postings. However, I am thinking of safety, first. The situation that you describe has a lot of opportunity--and probability of absolute disaster. The evening news reminds us of this, every day.
I defend the animals because they are the most helpless innocents. They give us so much--i see it as our duty to take care of them. Perhaps a no-kill shelter or foster homes? perhaps extended family members?
dandylion
I am usually not so direct in my postings. However, I am thinking of safety, first. The situation that you describe has a lot of opportunity--and probability of absolute disaster. The evening news reminds us of this, every day.
I defend the animals because they are the most helpless innocents. They give us so much--i see it as our duty to take care of them. Perhaps a no-kill shelter or foster homes? perhaps extended family members?
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
I agree--don't leave the dogs. He might hurt them to get at you.
Of course we cannot know about his emotional state really from a posting,
but perhaps his "attachement" is wanting to secure his alcohol supply and
a comfortable place to live?
If you quit paying for him, he'll have to fend for himself.
Whose name is the house in? Will he be able to keep up payments or
will you lose it if he stays? What kind of financial contribution will your sons make
to this or the new household?
I agree about the gun. My mother went bonkers when she got her final wake-up
"I'm not living like this anymore" talk from me, got a gun from her desk and started firing it off our porch.
She had never even handled it before to my knowledge. Your husband already has made a threat.
When I went to get it she pointed it at me and I told her "pull the trigger if you've got the guts"
and by golly she very nearly did. Nothing to mess with. Very stupid act on my part but I was 14.
Get thee to a lawyer posthaste and given what you've said, don't feel
obliged to stay with someone who is making you so very unhappy.
Of course we cannot know about his emotional state really from a posting,
but perhaps his "attachement" is wanting to secure his alcohol supply and
a comfortable place to live?
If you quit paying for him, he'll have to fend for himself.
Whose name is the house in? Will he be able to keep up payments or
will you lose it if he stays? What kind of financial contribution will your sons make
to this or the new household?
I agree about the gun. My mother went bonkers when she got her final wake-up
"I'm not living like this anymore" talk from me, got a gun from her desk and started firing it off our porch.
She had never even handled it before to my knowledge. Your husband already has made a threat.
When I went to get it she pointed it at me and I told her "pull the trigger if you've got the guts"
and by golly she very nearly did. Nothing to mess with. Very stupid act on my part but I was 14.
Get thee to a lawyer posthaste and given what you've said, don't feel
obliged to stay with someone who is making you so very unhappy.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
wilddaisy--(as one flower to another...LOL). I am with Hawkeye on this. I am impressed about the types of "exit" plans that you have begun--you, obviously, have put a lot of thought into this. Continue on this same path---with more to be done....of course.If you haven't seen an attorney, as yet, I suggest this to go on the top of your "to do" list. Just knowing your rights and legal obligations will help you, mentally. (the less unknowns, the better).
It seems that you two have been in the dependency dance for a long while (both equally involved)...and it will take a lot of awareness for you to break a pattern of behavior that has been so ingrained---but, make no mistake--IT CAN BE DONE! This is one area where alanon can be so helpful to jump starting you on a different path. You will need all the support you can get--do be kind to yourself and get all your peeps on board---Us at SR, of course...lol....an attorney, alanon, an individual counselor (at least, for a few sessions), etc.......
Did you notice the "stickies" at the top of this main page--just above the threads? You will find a virtual crash course on alcoholism and co-dependency by browsing through them. Knowlege is power. This is a big part of getting yourself prepared for your future.
Keep posting!!!!!! and, welcome to the forum!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
I could have written your story. Probably lots of folks here could have. 26 years for us. I divorced him at 21 years. He was also a 30 pack a day drinker. He went to AA, quit, got into church, we remarried. Fast forward 5 years....he is drinking 1-2 fifths of vodka a day and his health is starting to deteriorate. I'm not really in a place to give you advice outside of this: Alanon saved me the first time around, and when I stopped going my relapse was no less devastating than his.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: CO
Posts: 2
So he moved out almost two weeks ago
So he decided since I replied to why I had my alarm clock set on a day off in what was probably a snotty tone he decided he should move out (he’d been drinking all week thinking I didn’t notice). So the day we decided this he left and came home drunk, hung his truck up on a power pole support line cutting power to the neighbors and of course the kids and I go into cover his ass mode and clear the alcohol and get the truck of the line and parked before the state and local law enforcement as well as the power company showed up. Long story but they never even talked to him or asked his name and there were no repercussions. I told my kids afterwards, how sad is it that as a family unit we just react and take care of his mess. This was almost two weeks ago.
He said he would quit his job, cut off all ties with his kids, parents, family and friends because they all remind him of me. He called his parents and my dad to tell them this.
He stayed that night and although he threatened to quit his new job he has kept it and moved in with one of his co-workers. The new co-worker I am told drinks some but not like him and is encouraging him to go to church.
While that sounds good. He has decided for now he is cutting down on the drinking (not quitting) and might go to church. I am told this through the boys. I know everything he is doing is in the hopes of coming home. Which is why between him and the kids I have trouble starting the divorce procedure although I know that is what I want. Is it strange that I pray for him to find a girlfriend?
As far as the house I can stay or he can, I don't care. He is choosing to stick me with it. The beauty of that is I have the dogs and time to deal with it. We went through a bankruptcy a few years ago and we have never reaffirmed the loan since I was never sure we would be able to continue payments with him barely working. Which means that if and when he or I cannot make the payment we can walk away. Although things are weird I know there are no financial repercussions with the house either way and we have no other debt.
As much as I want to be done I still feel guilt with the whipped puppy act where he is supposedly doing everything for me because I am the center of his universe. But I know his motivations are all about his comfort zone and feeling like a failure with his parents.
My family is so supportive and all have asked what took me so long.
Thank you! You are wonderful because seeing some of you say my words back to me it shows me how insane what I and my kids consider normal is. I’m still struggling but my sister is going to go to Al-Anon with me next week. As capable as I feel about things I still am afraid to go by myself. I still go into panic mode hourly-relief, panic, relief, panic, etc. Just determined to do nothing right now and not let him back in just because.
He said he would quit his job, cut off all ties with his kids, parents, family and friends because they all remind him of me. He called his parents and my dad to tell them this.
He stayed that night and although he threatened to quit his new job he has kept it and moved in with one of his co-workers. The new co-worker I am told drinks some but not like him and is encouraging him to go to church.
While that sounds good. He has decided for now he is cutting down on the drinking (not quitting) and might go to church. I am told this through the boys. I know everything he is doing is in the hopes of coming home. Which is why between him and the kids I have trouble starting the divorce procedure although I know that is what I want. Is it strange that I pray for him to find a girlfriend?
As far as the house I can stay or he can, I don't care. He is choosing to stick me with it. The beauty of that is I have the dogs and time to deal with it. We went through a bankruptcy a few years ago and we have never reaffirmed the loan since I was never sure we would be able to continue payments with him barely working. Which means that if and when he or I cannot make the payment we can walk away. Although things are weird I know there are no financial repercussions with the house either way and we have no other debt.
As much as I want to be done I still feel guilt with the whipped puppy act where he is supposedly doing everything for me because I am the center of his universe. But I know his motivations are all about his comfort zone and feeling like a failure with his parents.
My family is so supportive and all have asked what took me so long.
Thank you! You are wonderful because seeing some of you say my words back to me it shows me how insane what I and my kids consider normal is. I’m still struggling but my sister is going to go to Al-Anon with me next week. As capable as I feel about things I still am afraid to go by myself. I still go into panic mode hourly-relief, panic, relief, panic, etc. Just determined to do nothing right now and not let him back in just because.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Every time you save him from the consequences of his drinking, you may be keeping him from the very thing that would be his bottom. Let him explain things to the cops.
His talking right now is just quacking to keep you mired in guilt. He has shown you, loud and clear, who he is. Believe him. He doesn't need a girlfriend for you to decide to take your life back.
I'm glad you're going to go to AlAnon. Don't let him back in. Take all the time you require to think this all through. Say the Serenity Prayer.
His talking right now is just quacking to keep you mired in guilt. He has shown you, loud and clear, who he is. Believe him. He doesn't need a girlfriend for you to decide to take your life back.
I'm glad you're going to go to AlAnon. Don't let him back in. Take all the time you require to think this all through. Say the Serenity Prayer.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: The planet Earth, or at least that's what I've been told.
Posts: 130
Hi WildDaisy 
Alcoholism is a progressive disease if left untreated. That basically means that if he stays addicted, he will eventually die from it.
A lot of people say that addicts lie about trying their best. Personally, having being around many addicts, I think that they are telling the truth. You have to keep in mind that addiction is a physical disease. Meaning that the cells in the body literally depend on the substance. The substance could be alcohol, it could be heroin, it could be crack. The substances are different, but the need the body has for them is very similar.
The most successful form of treatment is a mix of inpatient long-term rehab and carefully planned nutrition. After many years of addiction, the body and brain have been ravaged by the disease. Proper nutrition and supplements help the body to gradually recover. Neurons in the brain form new connections, the liver detoxifies and rejuvenates itself, and over time the cells in the body stop craving the substance, because they can function properly on their own.
I hope this helps
Alcoholism is a progressive disease if left untreated. That basically means that if he stays addicted, he will eventually die from it.
A lot of people say that addicts lie about trying their best. Personally, having being around many addicts, I think that they are telling the truth. You have to keep in mind that addiction is a physical disease. Meaning that the cells in the body literally depend on the substance. The substance could be alcohol, it could be heroin, it could be crack. The substances are different, but the need the body has for them is very similar.
The most successful form of treatment is a mix of inpatient long-term rehab and carefully planned nutrition. After many years of addiction, the body and brain have been ravaged by the disease. Proper nutrition and supplements help the body to gradually recover. Neurons in the brain form new connections, the liver detoxifies and rejuvenates itself, and over time the cells in the body stop craving the substance, because they can function properly on their own.
I hope this helps
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by blessed4x 
Alanon saved me the first time around, and when I stopped going my relapse was no less devastating than his.
But now. Yes. Alanon saved me the first time around, and when I stopped going my relapse was no less devastating than [hers].
Me, too.
And your sig line . . . .
You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. You are the guy who'll decide where to go.~Dr. Suess
Just read that tonight for a Go To Bed Book with the 6 year old.
And the caution about being caught in a Lurch:
----------------------
You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.
And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.
----------------------
Made me think of us sort of stuck here.
The Waiting Place that follows is a entire topic of itself. I guess the inflection in my voice must have impressed our 6 y.o. -- because he stopped me and we had to talk about The Waiting Place.
The Waiting Place is where we often seem to find ourselves in this realm, and sort of what this whole thread is about.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
In reading Wild daisy's posts I can't see anywhere where she asked for information about what alcoholism is. She didn't ask about the biology of alcoholism or aetiology of alcoholism, or how alcoholism affects the body of an alcoholic. She didn't ask about treatment for alcoholism.
Why are YOU here Chantal88? What's your story? What's your reason for being on this board?
Most of us are here because we have a partner, wife, husband, child or other close family member/friend struggling with alcoholism. We help each other by sharing our experience, strength and hope. We don't give unasked for advice or "expert" opinions.
You have shown up on this board without an introduction about who you are and why you are here and have almost immediately started handing out unasked for advice. It feels patronizing to me.
Why are you here?
Why are YOU here Chantal88? What's your story? What's your reason for being on this board?
Most of us are here because we have a partner, wife, husband, child or other close family member/friend struggling with alcoholism. We help each other by sharing our experience, strength and hope. We don't give unasked for advice or "expert" opinions.
You have shown up on this board without an introduction about who you are and why you are here and have almost immediately started handing out unasked for advice. It feels patronizing to me.
Why are you here?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: The planet Earth, or at least that's what I've been told.
Posts: 130
Lulu39,
My father was an alcoholic and he passed away when I was 10. I grew up in a single parent household for most of my life, until my mother recently passed away several years ago from breast cancer. Since my mother's passing I've had to wrestle with some difficult questions. How would I cope with no parents? Would the things I had experienced in my childhood effect my ability to have my own family in the future? Would I follow in my dad's footsteps? I had so much anger towards my father for most of my life. Through his death he abandoned me and my family and left us to fend for ourselves. I resented him for it and became very bitter.
But after my mom passed away, I started to really investigate what alcoholism was. I felt that it was necessary in order to better understand who my father was and what he suffered from. I also started to see that there were people around me that suffered as well, and the need to educate myself became very immediate.
Around this time my best friend was in and out of the hospital because of alcohol addiction. I used the knowledge I had attained in my search to try to convince his family to get him into rehab. It took some time, but finally he went, and now he's been sober for almost 2 years
I have devoted myself to understanding my father's disease to the best of my ability and helping others understand it as well. I'm sorry if my posting in any way seemed patronizing to you. The fact that both my parents have passed, one from alcohol, the other from cancer is a sore subject for me and hard to share. I'm typically a reserved person and I don't usually open up that easily to people I don't know very well.
I know that this disease of addiction is ugly and confusing. I know it too well. I only mean to pass on my knowledge in the hopes that it will help someone.
Best of everything,
C
My father was an alcoholic and he passed away when I was 10. I grew up in a single parent household for most of my life, until my mother recently passed away several years ago from breast cancer. Since my mother's passing I've had to wrestle with some difficult questions. How would I cope with no parents? Would the things I had experienced in my childhood effect my ability to have my own family in the future? Would I follow in my dad's footsteps? I had so much anger towards my father for most of my life. Through his death he abandoned me and my family and left us to fend for ourselves. I resented him for it and became very bitter.
But after my mom passed away, I started to really investigate what alcoholism was. I felt that it was necessary in order to better understand who my father was and what he suffered from. I also started to see that there were people around me that suffered as well, and the need to educate myself became very immediate.
Around this time my best friend was in and out of the hospital because of alcohol addiction. I used the knowledge I had attained in my search to try to convince his family to get him into rehab. It took some time, but finally he went, and now he's been sober for almost 2 years
I have devoted myself to understanding my father's disease to the best of my ability and helping others understand it as well. I'm sorry if my posting in any way seemed patronizing to you. The fact that both my parents have passed, one from alcohol, the other from cancer is a sore subject for me and hard to share. I'm typically a reserved person and I don't usually open up that easily to people I don't know very well.
I know that this disease of addiction is ugly and confusing. I know it too well. I only mean to pass on my knowledge in the hopes that it will help someone.
Best of everything,
C
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Chantal, I understand where you are coming from, I think we all have stories that read like that. The question I have for you is what are you doing for your recovery?
Understanding how alcoholism doesn't really help with dealing with the anger, rage, guilt, shame, and pain that we are suffering. I heard someone describe it as a long dark night of suffering.
For me, I didn't get better until I stopped trying to figure out why the A's in my life where the way they where and turned that energy into my own recovery. I am happy to say it worked and I am in a much better place than I have ever been. There is a Zen saying that covers this pretty well.
If you understand then things are just as they are.
If you don't understand then things are just as they are.
Or, as they say here in the south, it is what it is.
BTW, I think your avatar says a lot about how you feel.
Your friend,
Understanding how alcoholism doesn't really help with dealing with the anger, rage, guilt, shame, and pain that we are suffering. I heard someone describe it as a long dark night of suffering.
For me, I didn't get better until I stopped trying to figure out why the A's in my life where the way they where and turned that energy into my own recovery. I am happy to say it worked and I am in a much better place than I have ever been. There is a Zen saying that covers this pretty well.
If you understand then things are just as they are.
If you don't understand then things are just as they are.
Or, as they say here in the south, it is what it is.
BTW, I think your avatar says a lot about how you feel.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
A bit of a late welcome, but: Hi, Daisy!
I'm so glad that you've got support. I remember the panic-relief-panic cycle so clearly. It'll even out, truly. My sister seemed to have a sense for when it was getting bad and would show up for coffee, dragging me out to window shop....
You AH's comments about cutting off the kids, his family, everyone just because they remind him of you sounds a lot like a litte kid stomping back to his room after being told to do something he doesn't like. It sounds like a fairly juvenile attempt to make you feel bad and manipulate you.
Your kids are older, out of high school, right? Have you spoken to them about AlAnon or about how they feel cleaning up behind Dad's messes, pulling his truck off the power line? It may be that you're projecting your fear of disappointment about divorce onto them. As in: you may not actually need to worry about the kids if you decide to file for divorce. Maybe, like your family, they're wondering what took you so long.
Really, that's said (typed) with a smile and supporting hug, and I hope it comes across that way. I know it's sometimes hard for me to take my emotions or what I *think* DS is feeling out of the way to be able to really ask and listen to what he's feeling.
As far as anyone being unthinking enough to say, 'but why, its been 28 years,' please know that they do not know what those 28 years contained. YOU know. You know that you've spent years holding the family together; that this would not be a decision made in haste or without forethought. Don't let what you fear others might say or feel hold you back from making whatever decision you need to make, no matter whether it's letting him back or filing for divorce.
Welcome and best wishes!
(Not trying to sound snotty, but maybe Chantal can start her own thread for her q & a? So we can get back to Wilddaisy's?)
I'm so glad that you've got support. I remember the panic-relief-panic cycle so clearly. It'll even out, truly. My sister seemed to have a sense for when it was getting bad and would show up for coffee, dragging me out to window shop....
You AH's comments about cutting off the kids, his family, everyone just because they remind him of you sounds a lot like a litte kid stomping back to his room after being told to do something he doesn't like. It sounds like a fairly juvenile attempt to make you feel bad and manipulate you.
Your kids are older, out of high school, right? Have you spoken to them about AlAnon or about how they feel cleaning up behind Dad's messes, pulling his truck off the power line? It may be that you're projecting your fear of disappointment about divorce onto them. As in: you may not actually need to worry about the kids if you decide to file for divorce. Maybe, like your family, they're wondering what took you so long.
Really, that's said (typed) with a smile and supporting hug, and I hope it comes across that way. I know it's sometimes hard for me to take my emotions or what I *think* DS is feeling out of the way to be able to really ask and listen to what he's feeling.
As far as anyone being unthinking enough to say, 'but why, its been 28 years,' please know that they do not know what those 28 years contained. YOU know. You know that you've spent years holding the family together; that this would not be a decision made in haste or without forethought. Don't let what you fear others might say or feel hold you back from making whatever decision you need to make, no matter whether it's letting him back or filing for divorce.
Welcome and best wishes!
(Not trying to sound snotty, but maybe Chantal can start her own thread for her q & a? So we can get back to Wilddaisy's?)
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Hi again wilddaisy--
I'm glad you are making progress and that he has moved out.
I imagine with that many years invested into a marriage, it will take a little time to process your next step.
Take your time and keep working on your own recovery--do look at the stickys dandelion pointed out if you haven't yet.
I was so used to living crisis to crisis with my alcoholic mother I really was at a loss
about what to do with my "free time" when I wasn't rescuing somebody else.
You may be having those kind of issues. I don't think you have any obligation
to stay in this situation--move on when you are ready
and leave his recovery (or not) to him. Not your problem.
Would it be possible to sell the house since both of your names are on it?
Sometimes a clean break can be best, but the dogs and the rental income
are also attractive.
Please do not bail him out of any other drinking situations. That is enabling, pure and simple.
Happy New Year to you and I wish you a productive and positive 2014 as you get
to know yourself again out of the alcoholic's toxic crazymaking orbit
I'm glad you are making progress and that he has moved out.
I imagine with that many years invested into a marriage, it will take a little time to process your next step.
Take your time and keep working on your own recovery--do look at the stickys dandelion pointed out if you haven't yet.
I was so used to living crisis to crisis with my alcoholic mother I really was at a loss
about what to do with my "free time" when I wasn't rescuing somebody else.
You may be having those kind of issues. I don't think you have any obligation
to stay in this situation--move on when you are ready
and leave his recovery (or not) to him. Not your problem.
Would it be possible to sell the house since both of your names are on it?
Sometimes a clean break can be best, but the dogs and the rental income
are also attractive.
Please do not bail him out of any other drinking situations. That is enabling, pure and simple.
Happy New Year to you and I wish you a productive and positive 2014 as you get
to know yourself again out of the alcoholic's toxic crazymaking orbit
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: The planet Earth, or at least that's what I've been told.
Posts: 130
Originally Posted by m1k3
Chantal, I understand where you are coming from, I think we all have stories that read like that. The question I have for you is what are you doing for your recovery?
Understanding how alcoholism doesn't really help with dealing with the anger, rage, guilt, shame, and pain that we are suffering. I heard someone describe it as a long dark night of suffering.
For me, I didn't get better until I stopped trying to figure out why the A's in my life where the way they where and turned that energy into my own recovery. I am happy to say it worked and I am in a much better place than I have ever been. There is a Zen saying that covers this pretty well.
If you understand then things are just as they are.
If you don't understand then things are just as they are.
Or, as they say here in the south, it is what it is.
BTW, I think your avatar says a lot about how you feel.
Your friend,
Understanding how alcoholism doesn't really help with dealing with the anger, rage, guilt, shame, and pain that we are suffering. I heard someone describe it as a long dark night of suffering.
For me, I didn't get better until I stopped trying to figure out why the A's in my life where the way they where and turned that energy into my own recovery. I am happy to say it worked and I am in a much better place than I have ever been. There is a Zen saying that covers this pretty well.
If you understand then things are just as they are.
If you don't understand then things are just as they are.
Or, as they say here in the south, it is what it is.
BTW, I think your avatar says a lot about how you feel.
Your friend,
What I do for myself is a mix of spirituality and self-discovery. I've been in counseling for the past 3 years or so. I attend church, I read, I have very good friends that support and love me.
I think life must be a mix of reaching out to others and nurturing the self. All one without the other leads to imbalance.
And my avatar is actually the symbol for a common archetype. It's the archetype of Eve, the woman who is closely connected to the snake. Snakes throughout history have been a symbol of knowledge, healing, temptation and intuition. The meaning of the symbol changes depending on the context. I chose to think that snakes have a great healing energy, which is why they are found on the side of ambulances...
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