GrowingODAT

I've been in Al-Anon for 25 years and dealt with issues with my sisters and my ex-husband and then my son for the last 10 years. My sisters are dead. My ex is my ex. My son was managing until recently when he went into a fast downward spiral. He came out of detox on Friday and is living with his girlfriend who is new to dealing with alcoholism. He has no money and no job. He is diabetic and on insulin with enough for another month. He has an appointment for an assessment at a state-run rehab on Friday the same day his car insurance must be paid or lost. If paid, he'll have it until the end of the month. I'm willing to pay for rehab if he decides it will be good for him (it's a minimal amount). He's been to 3 AA meetings. Whether he goes into rehab or not, he will need to get a job quickly now or once out. He will need transportation. I do not want to enable, and I don't see how he gets on his feet without some financial help with his car. Looking for experience, strength and hope.

Many thanks.

ShootingStar1

In this case, I'd look at it as an investment. He's been to detox and if he is truly trying to make it with recovery, and has a long and successful recovery until recently, this could be welcome and useful support.

There are no absolutes here, just the best judgment calls we can make.

ShootingStar1

Hammer

mho. Less is more.

Let little birdie fly.

Can tell you our story in this regard.

Mrs. Hammer refused to work -- well actually did work 1-1/2 days -- in the year leading up to Rehab. Would not even help me in my business which I carried her on the payroll for. Worked 1/2 of a day, in the 100 days after coming back from Rehab. Meanwhile I took days and days off work -- totaled up over a month -- to cover her stuff.

So she went off to Rehab on our dime (obviously $thousand$), came back totally ungrateful and has been a Dry Drunk Ass since.

By contrast, when her sponsor went to that same Rehab a few years earlier, she got a job cleaning toilets in motels for 6 months to pay for it, and came out much better for it.

Meanwhile, our family was forced onto a tight budget to cover all of Mrs. Hammer's expenses, and she would go to her Mom to "borrow" money around the family budget and then announce that "we" owed her Mom money. When I put a stop to that, her Mom would send/mail sneak cash around the side and even credit cards.

Mrs. Hammer then went and lied to her dad telling him that I was refusing to buy her a new car to keep her from getting a job. He was suckered into buying her a car, and then later when he was going to "scold" me. I told him the truth, and then after he talked to her about that, she cut-off contact with him.

When my 10 year old tracked through all this while reviewing our family budget . . . she announced, "Dad -- You Should Have NEVER Paid for Rehab for Mom. She should have earned it herself."

I now agree. Maybe we should all be as smart as a 10 year old.

Are you smarter than a 5th grader? I was not.

Basically -- here is the rule:

A's are Users. They use Alcohol. They use Drugs. They use Things. They use People.

It harms the A and the People they use.

OnawaMiniya

Welcome to the forum.

He might try free or sliding scale clinics in the area for insulin. Could also try contacting the American Diabetes Association to set if they can point in the direction of programs or resources. Might also be pointed in the right direction by asking at hospital. Hopefully he isn't in the ER asking, waiting until it's that bad.

I've not been in your situation so I'm sure others can offer better advice than I can on the rest.

Keep posting. It helps. Maybe his girlfriend would like to post here as well. Could be awkward for you both. You'd have to figure that out between you two though.

Best wishes to you Hon.

Peace.

GrowingODAT

Shooting Star wrote:

There are no absolutes here, just the best judgment calls we can make.

There's a lot of wisdom in this. Thanks for the reminder. There is no one size fits all road to recovery. We learn all we can. We live life a day at a time. We listen hard for our Higher Power's direction. And, make the best choices we can.

Hammer wrote:

Can tell you our story in this regard...

Wow, Hammer. How maddening and frustrating that must have been. A strong warning. Thank you for sharing.

OnawaMiniya wrote:

He might try free or sliding scale clinics in the area for insulin. Could also try contacting the American Diabetes Association to set if they can point in the direction of programs or resources. Might also be pointed in the right direction by asking at hospital. Hopefully he isn't in the ER asking, waiting until it's that bad.

I've not been in your situation so I'm sure others can offer better advice than I can on the rest.

He's in the process of getting set up with assistance for medical issues and insulin. He can also have help with further addiction treatment. Has anyone had experience with providing their loved one with limited, specific financial help such as for car issues, so they can get to treatment and work? Something where they pay the provider directly? One of my son's strengths is that he likes to work.

Peace,
G. ODAT

AnvilheadII

has he ASKED you for help?

given the circumstances, if you do make the car payment, i'd suggest paying it directly to the bank or lender. but keep in mind....he did put himself in this position. and while active (?) managed to get himself a g/f and move in with her. presuming he was once employed, he "lost" it in some fashion...lack of attendance? fired?

so he is resourceful. and he's made some bad decisions. right now he seems to working on rectifying that. he might in fact get this turned around without your help. I guess keep in mind that any "help" you do offer guarantees nothing. if he goes to rehab, he's not going to be able to look for work. so the same issue of the car payment could very possibly come up again.

do what you can live with, and sleep well at night. wishing both you and your dear son the very best!!!