Crazy-making
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 156
Crazy-making
Abf decided to get drunk @ his co Xmas party and started to rant on me about everything. This happened because at the end of the night I then invited him to another party which he accused me of "pity inviting." Snowballing into dumping on me for all his insecurities, insulted my friendship with someone and my job randomly too.. I walked away.
Next day he calls to say he wants to talk and woke up depressed that we fought. We can never talk, (it is pointless anyway with a's) bc he is always drinking again the next day before we can anyway. Happened here. To make a long story short he was suppose to take me out for my birthday this past weekend and treat ME. We couldn't do that bc my bottom has been raised- and once he insulted me drunk on Thursday - and drank Friday- I just didn't see the fun in it for me to have to spend the morning saturday trying to discuss an issue and then rush for his unprepared butt to find something to treat me to- just all seems so fake to me- and more for him to feel decent thAn for me to feel celebrated. Sat he even argued with me in the am and hung up on me so I cut him off and had plan B! I tried to call him that night and he clearly was out drinking which he did Sunday night too and didn't need to call me of course. After the party is over I get a call the next day- today- and he starts his bull: he calls to tell ME he is going to start making some changes if things stay like this. . Bc this is not a relationship and is just not working for him the way things are now with me just doing whatever I want. (Threats) he feels like he does not have a girlfriend, is not able to reach me, and I just cut him off and cancel everything whenever I feel like it...... Hah. Wasn't bothering him on Sunday when he was having a "day off" to get wasted.
Is this quacking? I know it is crazy-making. I see him upping the ante here obviously bc I quit chasing him and harping on him to be a normal boyfriend. I've let go quite a bit but in my heart I have felt a tremendous loss. Among resentment and anger.....(deep breath.)
Is this suppose to make me come back running. I'm even more resentful now, more than when he screwed up my weekend that was suppose to be about me. I just told him I can't give him what he wants when he isn't himself anymore. And when I am in the corner licking my wounds. . U can't scream at me when I don't stand up and dance for you. This isn't a dictatorship. Then he accused me of "lecturing him." If I don't say a word, or if I do, I lose. I got that by now.
Gross. The holidays are coming and I cannot even begin to think about New Years with him. And I am feeling real extreme anger for the first time in a long time. Deep seated anger. The worst kind.
Next day he calls to say he wants to talk and woke up depressed that we fought. We can never talk, (it is pointless anyway with a's) bc he is always drinking again the next day before we can anyway. Happened here. To make a long story short he was suppose to take me out for my birthday this past weekend and treat ME. We couldn't do that bc my bottom has been raised- and once he insulted me drunk on Thursday - and drank Friday- I just didn't see the fun in it for me to have to spend the morning saturday trying to discuss an issue and then rush for his unprepared butt to find something to treat me to- just all seems so fake to me- and more for him to feel decent thAn for me to feel celebrated. Sat he even argued with me in the am and hung up on me so I cut him off and had plan B! I tried to call him that night and he clearly was out drinking which he did Sunday night too and didn't need to call me of course. After the party is over I get a call the next day- today- and he starts his bull: he calls to tell ME he is going to start making some changes if things stay like this. . Bc this is not a relationship and is just not working for him the way things are now with me just doing whatever I want. (Threats) he feels like he does not have a girlfriend, is not able to reach me, and I just cut him off and cancel everything whenever I feel like it...... Hah. Wasn't bothering him on Sunday when he was having a "day off" to get wasted.
Is this quacking? I know it is crazy-making. I see him upping the ante here obviously bc I quit chasing him and harping on him to be a normal boyfriend. I've let go quite a bit but in my heart I have felt a tremendous loss. Among resentment and anger.....(deep breath.)
Is this suppose to make me come back running. I'm even more resentful now, more than when he screwed up my weekend that was suppose to be about me. I just told him I can't give him what he wants when he isn't himself anymore. And when I am in the corner licking my wounds. . U can't scream at me when I don't stand up and dance for you. This isn't a dictatorship. Then he accused me of "lecturing him." If I don't say a word, or if I do, I lose. I got that by now.
Gross. The holidays are coming and I cannot even begin to think about New Years with him. And I am feeling real extreme anger for the first time in a long time. Deep seated anger. The worst kind.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Yes, he is quacking, and yes, this is what they do. They put the blame on you for everything. How did you really think your birthday would turn out with him? It was all about him who might put a show on for you, or not. It wasn't about you at all. It was about him.
(((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))), and belated happy birthday!!!!!!
(((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))), and belated happy birthday!!!!!!
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Only one real question to answer.
And it would likely be to you and ideally from you.
Would suggest you calmly stand in front of mirror whilst you ask it . . .
------------------------
From bird13 to bird13: Why do you want this crap in your life?
------------------------
What would you tell a friend who was telling/asking you this?
And it would likely be to you and ideally from you.
Would suggest you calmly stand in front of mirror whilst you ask it . . .
------------------------
From bird13 to bird13: Why do you want this crap in your life?
------------------------
What would you tell a friend who was telling/asking you this?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
You are not going to change him. This is who he currently is.
Thinking there is a silver lining in this sad story. You obviously know you deserve better. Best to stick with what you know.
It's ok to be angry, I've felt like you currently do. The anger and disappointment actually made it easier to make some healthy changes for myself.
He's not the answer, he isn't holding your future in his hands. YOU are. Time to start addressing your needs, and step back, and allow him to do the same.
Thinking there is a silver lining in this sad story. You obviously know you deserve better. Best to stick with what you know.
It's ok to be angry, I've felt like you currently do. The anger and disappointment actually made it easier to make some healthy changes for myself.
He's not the answer, he isn't holding your future in his hands. YOU are. Time to start addressing your needs, and step back, and allow him to do the same.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Yes. This is what they do and it is insane. Alcoholics have these huge stupid egos and they think they're smarter than the rest of us. Do yourself a favor and walk away. Spend your holidays like normal people do. Being without a boyfriend is better than being belittled, controlled and manipulated.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Do you remember when I told you about obligatory birthday and holidays? Please, please make plans for yourself for xmas and nye, because he will sure mess them up if you make them with him.
Remember, I'm here for you, btdt, don't want anyone else to
Remember, I'm here for you, btdt, don't want anyone else to
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I remember your post around Thanksgiving. He messed that up for you also. You broke up. I told you he would call your for the obligated birthday deal. He did.
Is this really the way you want to spend the rest of your holidays?
My birthday just past, it was on the 12th. I went out with my friends. Had a nice time. I tried that day to remember any nice birthdays, I had with my ex, I couldn't, tried to think of any holiday that stuck out as being nice with him, I couldn't. In all my 25 years that I was married and lived with him, and also the ones before getting married, I couldn't remember one that I enjoyed.
Save yourself from that. Please.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))
Is this really the way you want to spend the rest of your holidays?
My birthday just past, it was on the 12th. I went out with my friends. Had a nice time. I tried that day to remember any nice birthdays, I had with my ex, I couldn't, tried to think of any holiday that stuck out as being nice with him, I couldn't. In all my 25 years that I was married and lived with him, and also the ones before getting married, I couldn't remember one that I enjoyed.
Save yourself from that. Please.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Bc this is not a relationship
The best thing I heard you say was:
The holidays are coming and I cannot even begin to think about New Years with him. And I am feeling real extreme anger for the first time in a long time.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Amy55, I don't know if its sadder that you can't remember any happy holidays with your X over 25 years or that I can remember 9 years worth of happy occasions with my AH and feel certain that another one will never happen.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
bird13---just try to recognize that spending your energy trying to figure him out is a waste of time--an utter waste. I venture to say that everyone here on SR has tried to "figure out" our loved one who was doing us wrong. He is an alcoholic and his disease renders him incapable of treating you well--the way you deserve and crave for someone to treat you.
This is hard for us to come to terms with--either, out ignorance of this disease or our desire to hang on (and change him) keeps us in denial of the true nature of the relationship.
Is this the kind of relationship that you have dreamed of? If this is as good as it gets--are you willing to live the rest of your life like this--or worse?
At a certain point...we just HAVE to take off our protective blinders and accept the reality of the situation. I know how painful this is....but, hon, life doesn't give us any other choice,,,,if we want to have a happy, fulfilling life.
dandylion
This is hard for us to come to terms with--either, out ignorance of this disease or our desire to hang on (and change him) keeps us in denial of the true nature of the relationship.
Is this the kind of relationship that you have dreamed of? If this is as good as it gets--are you willing to live the rest of your life like this--or worse?
At a certain point...we just HAVE to take off our protective blinders and accept the reality of the situation. I know how painful this is....but, hon, life doesn't give us any other choice,,,,if we want to have a happy, fulfilling life.
dandylion
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
One more thing....LOL. I think you will have a better holidays if you heed the advice of Amy55 and make plans with your own friends for Christmas and New Year's EVE. He is virtually sure to PI** on both of them---if you give him half a chance.
Tell him that you will take him to dinner on Groundhog Day---If.....he is sober.
dandylion
Tell him that you will take him to dinner on Groundhog Day---If.....he is sober.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Ma
Posts: 3,553
Sometimes even when the alcohol is removed from a person,and they become sober.
They're still unkind and selfish.
Could you be blaming the fact that your BF drinks as the reason he is the way he is?
Despite what some may say here. Not all folks that abuse alcohol or alcoholics are total jerks to their partners.
They're still unkind and selfish.
Could you be blaming the fact that your BF drinks as the reason he is the way he is?
Despite what some may say here. Not all folks that abuse alcohol or alcoholics are total jerks to their partners.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
"After the party is over I get a call the next day- today- and he starts his bull: he calls to tell ME he is going to start making some changes if things stay like this. . Bc this is not a relationship and is just not working for him the way things are now with me just doing whatever I want. (Threats) he feels like he does not have a girlfriend, is not able to reach me, and I just cut him off and cancel everything whenever I feel like it...... Hah. Wasn't bothering him on Sunday when he was having a "day off" to get wasted. "
He gave you an opportunity, and a gift, in this situation. Not working for him, feels like he does not have a girlfriend??? Great! So the best thing you can do for both of you is cut him loose. Leave him to his path, and head to 2014 free of drama.
He gave you an opportunity, and a gift, in this situation. Not working for him, feels like he does not have a girlfriend??? Great! So the best thing you can do for both of you is cut him loose. Leave him to his path, and head to 2014 free of drama.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 156
Yeah, I just realize that after I do that I have " irrational guilt." so I am really working on managing my emotions and knowing that doing or saying things leads to other things and can I manage how I will feel then? Am I ready for the consequences? ya know. That has helped me deal with life better and live more peaceful to where I truly am right now, and not with my ego and personal desires controlling my choices… But boy I am frustrated that I am not at the point where I just want to say, F OFF. FINE. and really know I won't come back. If he broke up with me to tell u the truth, I would absolutely not try to convince him otherwise. If he pulls the plug, easier on me.
I guess In the meantime I am just wondering how to deal with that anger. and resentment. I have discovered today that when I feel the need to say something bc it releases anger in me, that is not really as affective as saying " Ok. sure." or .. "fine. whatever." These short things release the anger much more, because I know that he knows. And he knows that I know. The truth. I did that today, when he came at me again for lecturing him last night, or told me he is a drunk who is going to die in a year and went the sarcasm route. I felt lighter after.
I am SO GLAD I made plans to leave for my real birthday last week and gave him the weekend after to do something. I did have plan b, on my real day and on his weekend. It was good for me. Doesn't mean I am not resentful. Or angry. man is that feeling strong like ever!!!
I don't even try to decipher the kind of person he would be sober. He is living with his head up his butt right now so far, that it is impossible to even try. I just face what is now, and he is totally not making any sense and was not this bad six months ago. those are the only facts I know. Not who he is at heart. He isn't working on sobriety so none of that is worth thinking about anyway. I am just trying to deal with my feelings and get to a point where I completely see him as just a total drunk who can't be reasoned with and leave for good whether it is him or me that does it.
I obviously must be detached to some degree if he feels I am just missing in his life. I feel more dignified like this than in his face with him making me feel stupid every second of the day. I did read a post on here about how we control our emotions so much, once they are gone we feel a flood of them. Wondering if I will experience this. thanks guys.
I guess In the meantime I am just wondering how to deal with that anger. and resentment. I have discovered today that when I feel the need to say something bc it releases anger in me, that is not really as affective as saying " Ok. sure." or .. "fine. whatever." These short things release the anger much more, because I know that he knows. And he knows that I know. The truth. I did that today, when he came at me again for lecturing him last night, or told me he is a drunk who is going to die in a year and went the sarcasm route. I felt lighter after.
I am SO GLAD I made plans to leave for my real birthday last week and gave him the weekend after to do something. I did have plan b, on my real day and on his weekend. It was good for me. Doesn't mean I am not resentful. Or angry. man is that feeling strong like ever!!!
I don't even try to decipher the kind of person he would be sober. He is living with his head up his butt right now so far, that it is impossible to even try. I just face what is now, and he is totally not making any sense and was not this bad six months ago. those are the only facts I know. Not who he is at heart. He isn't working on sobriety so none of that is worth thinking about anyway. I am just trying to deal with my feelings and get to a point where I completely see him as just a total drunk who can't be reasoned with and leave for good whether it is him or me that does it.
I obviously must be detached to some degree if he feels I am just missing in his life. I feel more dignified like this than in his face with him making me feel stupid every second of the day. I did read a post on here about how we control our emotions so much, once they are gone we feel a flood of them. Wondering if I will experience this. thanks guys.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Ma
Posts: 3,553
" I just face what is now, and he is totally not making any sense and was not this bad six months ago."
Just keep in mind that alcoholism is progressive. So it could and most likely will get worse.
I know,think of me as your BF that finally pulled his head out of his butt.
And said"I'm done with this!!!".
I hope that the BF will see where drinking will lead him before the illusion becomes even more of a trap.
I wish you all the best,bird13.
Cause you deserve it.
Just keep in mind that alcoholism is progressive. So it could and most likely will get worse.
I know,think of me as your BF that finally pulled his head out of his butt.
And said"I'm done with this!!!".
I hope that the BF will see where drinking will lead him before the illusion becomes even more of a trap.
I wish you all the best,bird13.
Cause you deserve it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 39
I'm sorry about the situation you're in. Reading what you shared... feels weird -really familiar actually. It made me remember what happened for my birthday last summer. Nothing about me, as he said it would be.
Anyway I don't have any advice, I just wanted to tell you I feel for you and I hope you'll sort your feelings out. I'm trying myself. It's not easy.
Anyway I don't have any advice, I just wanted to tell you I feel for you and I hope you'll sort your feelings out. I'm trying myself. It's not easy.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
" But boy I am frustrated that I am not at the point where I just want to say, F OFF. FINE. and really know I won't come back. If he broke up with me to tell u the truth, I would absolutely not try to convince him otherwise. If he pulls the plug, easier on me. " (bird13)
your above statement here, really jumped out on the page. Most of us here, have had our lives turned upside down by an active alcoholic. It appears to me, addiction is currently ruling your world.
It is so very easy to loose our way when we are consumed with the daily struggles of living in an addicted household.
Sorry to say, nothing is going to change until you take control of you and your situation.
Why are you allowing a person whose mind is currently controlled by a drug to make life choices and decisions for YOU ?
If you want to be healthy, you must make healthy choices for yourself. Nobody else can do this for you, it's all you.
your above statement here, really jumped out on the page. Most of us here, have had our lives turned upside down by an active alcoholic. It appears to me, addiction is currently ruling your world.
It is so very easy to loose our way when we are consumed with the daily struggles of living in an addicted household.
Sorry to say, nothing is going to change until you take control of you and your situation.
Why are you allowing a person whose mind is currently controlled by a drug to make life choices and decisions for YOU ?
If you want to be healthy, you must make healthy choices for yourself. Nobody else can do this for you, it's all you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: RhodeIsland
Posts: 175
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
WHAT are you GETTING out of this by hanging on to him?
It's pervasive amongst those of us who are/were codies.
bird13 love yourself enough to find someone who values your happiness as much as their own. you're not defective, nor unlovable to others. His continued selfish behavior doesn't have to impact or be part of your life.
bird13: Who deserves to be treated the way he treats you? Who deserves to be blown off on their birthday?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 156
I guess I'm leaving something important out of my posts. I have not been getting anything out of this lately,
For sure, which as I worked on recovery meant I was seeing him a few times a month at most. As the disease is progressive, I've noticed he is more checked out so I just naturally became more interested in other people again bc they are better company basically and I like the way I feel with them. When I broke up with him earlier in the yr I wasn't in the place I'm in now- so maybe if I left now I would be fine. Back then i was still afraid of so many things that now I could care less about. Because i had those fears that break up was a horrid time and i didn't want to go through those feelings again and go back to him again- so this time instead of making a proclamation of breaking up I decided to just phase out, and start living my life as such. Doesn't mean the crazy making is easy to deal w/ but I basically live alone like I am single already and am feeling unwilling to even call him unless it is great for me so I get less sucked into his madness. If it isn't fun for me I haven't been too interested lately and if he can't behave I have started to believe (not just say) he doesn't deserve me or my time. That took 1 year to believe. Def a process..
For sure, which as I worked on recovery meant I was seeing him a few times a month at most. As the disease is progressive, I've noticed he is more checked out so I just naturally became more interested in other people again bc they are better company basically and I like the way I feel with them. When I broke up with him earlier in the yr I wasn't in the place I'm in now- so maybe if I left now I would be fine. Back then i was still afraid of so many things that now I could care less about. Because i had those fears that break up was a horrid time and i didn't want to go through those feelings again and go back to him again- so this time instead of making a proclamation of breaking up I decided to just phase out, and start living my life as such. Doesn't mean the crazy making is easy to deal w/ but I basically live alone like I am single already and am feeling unwilling to even call him unless it is great for me so I get less sucked into his madness. If it isn't fun for me I haven't been too interested lately and if he can't behave I have started to believe (not just say) he doesn't deserve me or my time. That took 1 year to believe. Def a process..
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
