choublak

Were you in a relationship with an asshat who lied to you and was mean?

I don't know, sometimes I have a hard time picturing people being mean to alcoholics; it's usually alcoholics being mean to the codies.

fluffyflea

Yes of course. It can go both ways.

Carlotta

A lot of women alcoholics are or have been in abusive relationships.
I am an alcoholic was in an abusive relationship with a raging drunk who was physically abusive, (I was sober and stayed sober).
Alcohol might contribute to abuse but I firmly believe that either someone is abusive or they are not. I had a girlfriend whose husband did not drink or use drugs but he would fly in rages and mistake her for a punching bag..
There are mean people out there, the majority of them are NOT alcoholics.

Seren

It definitely goes both ways, sadly. No one deserves to be on the receiving end of rage and verbal abuse--no matter what. How many times have you read about an F&F member losing their cool and screaming at the alcoholic in their lives, calling them names, telling them they are worthless, etc. Happens quite a bit.

When we stay in a relationship that is unhealthy, we become just a unhealthy.

choublak

I've read a lot on here, and the way I see it is...

It's the fact that the alcoholic completely ignores their partner when they told the alcoholic how it (the drinking) affected them, and what a jerk they were to them when they drank...the issue is not only the drinking, but ignoring how their loved one feels about it...

Seren

And such is an active alcoholic, I'm afraid. It seems to me that to protect the drinking is the primary purpose for most of the behavior of an active alcoholic.

Our choice is to stay and continue to endure the disrespectful and sometimes abusive behavior, or detach, refuse to engage in the arguments, or leave.

Rewired

I am two years sober. I usually don't post on here but always read the f&f. I have learned alot from everyone. My husband is emotionally abusive was before the drinking and still is now. I chose to drink over it. My choice totally. I had low self esteem and he always tried to make me feel like I didn't do anything right. Through recovery I have gained so much. I am still with him even though he doesn't talk to me I guess part of it is the fear he will make my life miserable. We have two kids and he is never around. The funny thing is I'm the alcoholic yet he goes to the bar about twice a week. He has said I wrecked his life. I did tell him he should have left me then. The thing is why would he leave I work take care of the kids and he can do as he pleases. I know I caused him pain I totally get that but he can never see what he does. As our girls get older I need to be there for them. I have an older daughter and he would call her useless I should have left then. She is now in college and doing wonderfully. She is now telling me to quit making excuses and leave him. Sorry for the ramble I guess I needed to talk. Thank you all for sharing your stories I can't even imagine what some of you had to go through. Not all alcoholics are evil just some of us are lost)). Some of us find our way back and I plan on being one of them.

suncatcher

I think it goes both ways. I am trying to own up to my mistakes I made with my XABF. I would try to talk to him about my feelings and he would just tell me I worry about everything. He never took me seriously and I knew I had to detach or drive myself and him crazy. I never told him he was worthless but I did accuse him of cheating a few times. Maybe he was and maybe he wasn't but I know that hurt him. I was just thinking that was why I was being ignored but I think his main love was with his beer and his pot. I used to feel like if I could be a beer can or a joint I would have his attention! Sad what we put ourselves through and the low self esteem that goes with it. I know I had to remove myself and am feeling better about myself and stronger every day. Still have my days though. I do see there are two sides: that of the addict and that of the partner of the addict. We get into doing that toxic dance with them.

Upsetnneedhelp

Alcoholics can often times be victims of domestic violence and murder. There are nasty people out in the world who are not alcoholics. I get the sense that some here may believe they are better than the low status alcoholic who cannot function.

Stung

I think it goes both ways. And I'd like to add, I know on here I call my husband names (douche, asshat, psycho, etc.) but I don't do that to his face or talk about him like that to anyone IRL. I use this as a forum for my frustrations and I'm sure I come off as cruel but I'm very considerate, patient, forgiving and gentle to my husband in person. He is already punishing himself plenty by poisoning himself with vodka. He wants my forgiveness and to pretend that things are okay. Detaching and acting indifferent to my AH hurts him 1,000 times more than screaming insults at him.

OnawaMiniya

^^^yes.

Does go both ways. I'll admit that I have lost my cool and given my AH an earful.

BuffaloGal

I was mean to my aexh... not habitually, but there were times I'm ashamed of now. My daughter states that her dad "doesn't know how to stand up for himself. "

NWGRITS

I'm an ACoA. We learn by example. My asshattery is legend in my family, unfortunately. I've told my AM she was a poor excuse for a human being, a waste of oxygen, an embarrassment to me and the family, and on and on. Now, since I started my recovery journey, I haven't had any of those episodes (being No Contact helps a LOT). I have dreams where I am physically violent with her, raging and throwing things. I own my side of the street, no questions about that. But I still have moments of unpleasantness in my marriage and with my kids. I'm not proud of it at all. I was trained to blame shift and project my insecurities and anger with myself onto others. Trying to rein that in is a lot of work.

MattyBoy

The stereotype of the abusive alcoholic who shouts and rages at their family actually comprises a small minority of the alcoholics out there... I suppose I can see alcoholics lying in relationships though.. That IS pretty common... As for your question, I'm pretty sure it works both ways to be honest

Lewis73

my problem is that my AW is NOT a yeller.....she just gets drunk and gets on with her day - in many ways, functions better than me!

its the frustration of watching that that causes me to lose my rag - it makes me feel sick but I have called her the names she calls me. And I know its daft - because she will do it 100 times and forget everyone, I'll do it once and thats it....she throws it in my face for months.

Her selective memory makes her a terrible hypocrite....its hard to come out looking like the good guy whatever you do.

amy55

After being with my abusive ex for years, I started to act the same way he acted to me. In fact I left not because I was afraid for my life anymore, I left because I knew I would hurt him physically. He was a lot bigger then me, I probably would have done it while he slept. I was never like this before, and I am now trying to work on myself to never get like that again.

fluffyflea

Yes, it,s called self-centeredness and wanting to protect the addiction.

Johnston

What's an "asshat"?

ResignedToWait

It's a general derogatory term, nothing specific is meant. i.e...jerk, idiot, a**hole.

JustAGirl1971

Absolutely goes both ways. The thing I've learned is that allowing myself to wallow in the anger and resentment and call AH names (whether to his face, to someone else, on here, or even just in my head), it affects how I treat him and eventually affects how I treat others. Negativity begets negativity.

My mother and sisters still harbor a lot of bitterness towards various people in their lives (including and especially As.) I see how it affects them and everyone around them. I do NOT want to be a bitter person! I choose joy, happiness, and harmony. If it's not possible for me to have those with AH (or any other person in my life), then I will consciously choose to limit contact or separate myself from those people.

One last thing that I'm considering is this: If being around certain people causes me to behave in a manner I don't like, or treat others in a manner that I don't like, then why couldn't the same be true for others? I told my therapist that I think AH and I bring out the worst in each other. I truly believe that and I don't want that any more. Life is too short to waste on bitterness, anger, & regret! I choose happiness!