A question for the alcoholics
Engineer Things; LOVE People
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Originally Posted by Johnston 
What's an "asshat"?
]Here is the generally accepted image . . .
But this one probably comes MUCH closer to what this thread is describing . . .
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Back towards the start . . .
Yes, very much so.
Thanks for asking.
(add on edit -- sorry you meant to direct that to A's didn't you?)
Like many have noted. It can go both ways. But like you, I sort of figure the majority of times the tree falls as you have observed.
Supposed to be the deal . . .
People who are hurting sometimes hurt other people.
Our self-defense role is: once this is noted -- get ourselves and others out of the hurt range.
That is the current Hammer plan. After one year of dealing with a Dry Drunk -- I am getting and keeping myself outside the Mean and Nasty range. It brings no benefit to my life.
Originally Posted by choublak
Were you in a relationship with an asshat who lied to you and was mean?
Thanks for asking.
(add on edit -- sorry you meant to direct that to A's didn't you?)
I don't know, sometimes I have a hard time picturing people being mean to alcoholics; it's usually alcoholics being mean to the codies.
Supposed to be the deal . . .
People who are hurting sometimes hurt other people.
Our self-defense role is: once this is noted -- get ourselves and others out of the hurt range.
That is the current Hammer plan. After one year of dealing with a Dry Drunk -- I am getting and keeping myself outside the Mean and Nasty range. It brings no benefit to my life.
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I've noticed that on here a lot of people blame the alcoholism for their spouse being a jerk. My opinion is that selfish jerks are just selfish jerks no matter if they drink or not.
I never lied to my husband while drinking, never called him names, never emotionally abused him, never neglected him, pretty much didn't do any of the things described on this site. I just drank too much. Mostly I was happy when I drank, sometimes I cried about my drinking and depression. My biggest problem was rambling too much and annoying him because I was interrupting the tv.
We've had our big fights, but they've happened both when I was drinking and when I wasn't. Drinking wasn't the cause of the fights, but sometimes my husband would use my drinking against me just to prove that I was a worse person than him.
Not all alcoholics are the same, and I think it's unfair to categorize all of us into one stereotype when not all of us are selfish and mean.
My ex husband was a jerk, and I drank more than him. I actually drank more to forget about how he treated me.
I never lied to my husband while drinking, never called him names, never emotionally abused him, never neglected him, pretty much didn't do any of the things described on this site. I just drank too much. Mostly I was happy when I drank, sometimes I cried about my drinking and depression. My biggest problem was rambling too much and annoying him because I was interrupting the tv.
We've had our big fights, but they've happened both when I was drinking and when I wasn't. Drinking wasn't the cause of the fights, but sometimes my husband would use my drinking against me just to prove that I was a worse person than him.
Not all alcoholics are the same, and I think it's unfair to categorize all of us into one stereotype when not all of us are selfish and mean.
My ex husband was a jerk, and I drank more than him. I actually drank more to forget about how he treated me.
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My ex had some deep seeded psychological problems that manifest themselves in anger. I stayed married for 18 years because I could use alcohol to cover up all the pain and suffering. I sobered up for 6 months and realized what a horrible marriage I was in.
I don't blame my alcoholism on my marriage but I do blame my marriage on my alcoholism. I should have bailed out long long before I did
I don't blame my alcoholism on my marriage but I do blame my marriage on my alcoholism. I should have bailed out long long before I did
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Originally Posted by Hammer
But like you, I sort of figure the majority of times the tree falls as you have observed.
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Originally Posted by choublak
In my case, it was like: "You say I drink too much, but everyone I know drinks, so there's something wrong with YOU!"
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Originally Posted by NWGRITS
I'm an ACoA. We learn by example. My asshattery is legend in my family, unfortunately. I've told my AM she was a poor excuse for a human being, a waste of oxygen, an embarrassment to me and the family, and on and on. Now, since I started my recovery journey, I haven't had any of those episodes (being No Contact helps a LOT). I have dreams where I am physically violent with her, raging and throwing things. I own my side of the street, no questions about that. But I still have moments of unpleasantness in my marriage and with my kids. I'm not proud of it at all. I was trained to blame shift and project my insecurities and anger with myself onto others. Trying to rein that in is a lot of work.
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Originally Posted by jacrazz
Sounds like me! My dad was the A so of course I go and get me one just like him! I have been accused of being a control freak witch....and I will own that 100%! It's all I know. Reigning that in is very hard and I'm working on it. After a traumatic breakup I realized that yes, he is a self centered textbook alcoholic, but what about me? I also added to the crazy making and NOW realized why, it's not pretty when you look in the mirror and realize that I am just as effed up as the A.....but why wouldn't I be? Its why we connected in the first place! I'm grateful that he and I were able to iron things out a little but there is still a lot of work to be done. I only care about my stuff and that sometimes more than I can handle. Thank god for SR!
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Amen...toally agree with this.
Originally Posted by Seren
And such is an active alcoholic, I'm afraid. It seems to me that to protect the drinking is the primary purpose for most of the behavior of an active alcoholic.
Our choice is to stay and continue to endure the disrespectful and sometimes abusive behavior, or detach, refuse to engage in the arguments, or leave.
Our choice is to stay and continue to endure the disrespectful and sometimes abusive behavior, or detach, refuse to engage in the arguments, or leave.
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I get the sense that some here may believe they are better than the low status alcoholic who cannot function.
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MattyBoy--I strongly disagree with you there, "The stereotype of the abusive alcoholic who shouts and rages at their family actually comprises a small minority of the alcoholics out there"
In my experience, the majority of them are like that.
In my experience, the majority of them are like that.
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I do not think you need to have an addiction to be an idiot, I have known several sober people that are vicious.
I tried to remember whether I could think of any I know that have problems with alcohol and are good partners, I am not sure I can – although I know some drunks that are more sympothetic than others.
Serens sentence:
“When we stay in a relationship that is unhealthy, we become just a unhealthy.”
Says a lot to me – I think it is very true. Being healthy and decent is something we should protect and we can loose.
I tried to remember whether I could think of any I know that have problems with alcohol and are good partners, I am not sure I can – although I know some drunks that are more sympothetic than others.
Serens sentence:
“When we stay in a relationship that is unhealthy, we become just a unhealthy.”
Says a lot to me – I think it is very true. Being healthy and decent is something we should protect and we can loose.
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My non A bully of an XH was a far, far bigger asshat than my A (possibly RA we'll see).
I'm not saying my A can't be an asshat just that my sober XH was a far bigger asshat.
I would have given my children into trouble for saying asshat. I feel deliciously naughty.
ASSHAT ASSHAT ASSHAT
I'm not saying my A can't be an asshat just that my sober XH was a far bigger asshat.
I would have given my children into trouble for saying asshat. I feel deliciously naughty.
ASSHAT ASSHAT ASSHAT
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Regarding being better than "the lowly alcoholic"...
I don't want to run my AH's life, personally. I don't think I'm a superior being. In fact, my AH will gladly tell you, he is superior - to all. Anyone who thinks they are superior, is insecure. Anyone who insists and boasts that they are superior, is trying to convince themselves more than anyone else.
That doesn't mean I think the way he deals with life and treats me (and others) is fair or ok.
I don't want to run my AH's life, personally. I don't think I'm a superior being. In fact, my AH will gladly tell you, he is superior - to all. Anyone who thinks they are superior, is insecure. Anyone who insists and boasts that they are superior, is trying to convince themselves more than anyone else.
That doesn't mean I think the way he deals with life and treats me (and others) is fair or ok.
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