Hello, and happy holidays.

Old 12-16-2013, 07:06 AM
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Hello, and happy holidays.

I've been lurking and reading.....busy at work and life, etc......Just wanted to pop in and say hello and give an update. I'm doing well, just struggling with some winter depression--I swear I feel like I could go to bed at 6:00 pm every night. It gets dark so early! There's a yoga studio across the street from me and I've been thinking of rolling out of bed to do the 6 am classes to try to get my energy and spirits up. I'm off for about ten days over the holidays and I can't wait!!!! I'm pretty burned out at my job and am planning on leaving in the new year, maybe the end of January.

My BF is doing well with his sobriety. He's been sober for about 5-6 weeks and is attending aa, has a sponsor and is working the program. He just got medical insurance so he's going to rehab sometime in January. It's been quite an emotional roller coaster ride. He's learning to cope without running away and drinking, and that is HARD. I know it is. He's stuck on a lot of things from the past that he's ashamed of, sad about, etc.....I know he has to process and deal with them but it's also a matter of LETTING GO and looking to the future. He's generally been in a pissy mood but he's having a really difficult time sleeping and it's not directed at me, so I don't find it that hard to ignore. We've both been going to therapy individually and together so that's good.

Saturday was our 1-year anniversary. I was so excited, we decided we were going bowling and out to a nice dinner. I had to work until 1:00 and raced home, thinking we might have a little fun (wink wink) before we left to go out. When I walked in the door he immediately started babbling about how "he was supposed to pick up some paintings from his ex girlfriend's house but it seems that he was getting stood up." That's fine, but not what I expected when I walked in. I was going to hug and kiss him and say happy anniversary but the negativity was coming off of him like a noxious fog. I walked upstairs, changed my clothes and started doing the dishes.

About ten minutes later I realized that he was gone. I called and he said he was at Rite Aid doing some stuff and that he'd be home in a few minutes. I tried really hard not to be reactionary but I was pissed and upset. WTF?! We had discussed our plan for the day and it just seemed to be going awry.

When he returned he went into the bedroom and was writing a card. He came out looking for scotch tape and wrapped whatever he was giving me right in front of me. I just kept my back turned, doing the dishes. I had put a card and gift on the kitchen table while he was out. I composed myself, turned around and said, "are you gonna open your present?"

He didn't smile, laugh, get up nothing. He said, "open yours first." So I open this card that basically was him puking out his bs about how he was sorry the past year had been mostly bad and that he'd do better. Nothing really but him criticizing himself with a "poor pathetic me" look on his face. I opened the present, which was wrapped in a page from a coloring book. It was a fancy candy bar, which is fine. I am not concerned with what he gives me, it's the thought that goes into it.

I didn't start crying. Yet. I told him to open my card and gift. I made this card and put a lot of work into it, writing a poem, and got him something that was romantically relevant to when we met. (a t-shirt from a band that is both of our faves). He read the card and burst into tears. So did I, and then I flipped. "WTF is this? What is WRONG with you?" I yelled. He said he was sorry but the past two days he was so overcome with guilt about what he's put me through the past year that he couldn't be happy about the anniversary. I told him that it wasn't acceptable. That all I wanted was to have fun and get some JOY out of things for a change, especially on this day. One fricking day, and he couldn't suck it up. His self-absorption is unbelievable. I just flipped. I was bawling, yelling.....things I do not normally do. I usually try to stay calm and rational, breathe, etc.......I went in the other room to cry and try to calm down.

He's an artist. A handmade card is free. A painting or drawing is free. The thought that goes into making someone feel special is all I wanted. He used to be this way. Overly, unbelievably romantic, in fact. I understand that he has to put everything he has into sobriety right now but it doesn't change the fact that it affects me too. That I have needs too. I told him this and he said he had made me a card but threw it away because he felt like such an ******* about how he's treated me that it rang hollow to him. Jeez.

We talked about it and both calmed down. He loves me but self-loathing is so deep that he doesn't even know how to sustain a relationship with another person. I told him I could not do it anymore. He said he was so sorry and asked if he could make it up to me, and if we could still go out. I told him no, if he was still going to be in a ******, poor-me mood I had no desire to be with him. He said he was going to move on from here and that he wanted to have a good time, so we went.

Bowling was fun. We laughed and enjoyed ourselves. Dinner started out okay but then he started going on about how he couldn't wait until Christmas was over because it reminded him of family and how his doesn't get along. He also proceeded to go on about how his sponsor has no sense of humor and is a downer (which is true) and how many of the people who he's met in AA are negative and how that's affecting him. Both of his parents are died when he was a child so I do feel for him in that way, and I suggested that he go to the meetings that uplift him, get a new sponsor and try to make friends with more positive people. I gave him the number of a friend of mine who has been sober for almost 20 years, who really has a good perspective on things. I don't mind talking about these things but honestly it was just another downer. I just tried to put it out of my mind and enjoy myself.

So yesterday I woke up angry, sad and disheartened. I went out early to finish my shopping and basically cried off and on all day. We talked again and I told him that my mental health was failing and that I can't live this way. He asked me if I wanted him to leave right then and there. I said no but that when he gets back from rehab he should get his own place.

I do love him and he's not a deliberately mean person. Just self-absorbed and emotionally stunted and lost. This whole thing has made me turn on myself though, and feel like I'm not working hard enough to improve ME, even though I have been. It's a process. I am so irritated with myself that another person could affect me like this. That my own self-esteem is so fragile that this sent me over the edge. I'm only human and of course I have emotions, but I feel so weak. I also struggle with depression and bipolar, so my moods tend to swing from one extreme to another, fast. No matter how much deep breathing I do I can't change the way I feel when I am hurt, in pain and angry. Today is much better though. I know I'll be okay. He's seeing his therapist so maybe he'll give my BF some insight. I just wish he could find some healing and let the past go. Even the recent past.

It sucks but it's not the end of the world. I'm focusing on the positives in my life and preparing to enjoy myself with friends and family for the holidays. Plenty of self-care and keeping myself positive.

If you've made it this far I appreciate you reading.

Hope everyone has a good day. xoxoxo

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Old 12-16-2013, 07:48 AM
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Hi readerbaby. I too think this is a hard time of year. When it is dark when I walk out of work I too just want to go home and go to bed. But I don't.

I am so sorry that a day you had planned on being good did not work out that way. It sounds like he is trying. Rehab (if it is a good one) will help him deal with the feelings of self loathing he has. Addiction is very self absorbing. Does he go to a counselor of any type? They too would help him work on this feelings. I am the poster child for therapy. I believe there are very few individuals in life who would not benefit in some way.

I have always had the belief that a couple should not live together when a person has just left rehab. I think a significant time apart gives him time to figure out who he is and gives you time to work on you. If he is unhappy with his sponsor or his program he is in charge of that. Find a new one. Try Celebrate Recovery if he does not like AA (I recommend CR for anyone, it has saved my life). I think with all of the programs out there it is all about finding a group of people who you click with. If it is not one, try another.

Gentle hugs to you. Keep posting, we will walk this walk together.
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Old 12-16-2013, 04:34 PM
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readerbaby, I feel you. My RA has been incredibly moody/guilty/self-absorbed as well. For me, the last 3 months of RABF's sobriety have been harder than when he was drinking.
You don't want to try to write off his feelings (especially when he has been kind of a sh*t) but it's so rough being around someone like that.

I have no insight. Just virtual hugs.
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