Stung

How do I leave without him having custody? He's drunk again and being so a using and teimg me he hates me and that he's going to take my kids from me. I know he can't but he'll certainly get joint custody. My 2 year old literally has nightmares when he drinks. I need to remove myself and my kids from this.

Ixi

Stung, have you spoken to a lawyer?

OnawaMiniya

I have no kids and haven't been in your position, but I feel for you...

There are others on here who will have better advice than me because of experience and wisdom. I agree with the other response of talking to a lawyer. At least you can get an idea of what to expect by talking to one, and finding out what you need to do.

I just wanted to offer lots and lots of ******************{hugs}}}}}}}}}}

I can feel the frustration and pain in your post. Paying that everything works out for you and your kids for the best.

Take care of yourself.

Peace.

Stung

Ixi, no, I haven't. Women's Shelter and attorney are first thing tomorrow morning. He just went into our 2 year old's bedroom and told her that I'm a liar and I'll only ever tell her lies and that I'm a *****...and I audio recorded it all.

He cannot have any custody. He's a monster. Our 2 year old was asleep.

peaceofpi

Call the police if he drives drunk and call the police if he ever physically abuses you or a child. In some places these are helpful factors in custody. But talk to a lawyer about your range of options, such as sole custody, supervised visitation, Soberlink (random alcohol monitoring), random ETG testing, etc.

IMO it is sick that state laws and courts allow abusive alcoholics to have any unsupervised visitation of children, especially young children. It perpetuates a cycle of abuse. You might write your legislator for a longer-term solution. They are responsible for these laws.

Renarde

Oh my goodness. I am so sad you are going through this. You need to get your daughter out of there. I wish I could give you and your little one the biggest hug.

FeelingGreat

Hi Stung, he's obviously and stupidly trying to scare you. The audio recording was good; are you also keeping a journal? You can record things like how often he drinks and how much. Keeping receipts or card records from the liquor store would also be a good idea. I'm sure the lawyer will tell you more.
I guess your goal would be to be able to prove that the children are not safe in his sole custody, so anything that contributes the court understanding that would be helpful to your case.

NWGRITS

Yes, document everything. No matter how insignificant it may seem to you, write it down. This is giving me flashbacks and raising my heart rate, so I need to step away from the computer for a bit. Please get help asap!

Stung

He drinks in secret and buys his alcohol at CVS or Wallgreens or on his corporate AMEX, which I don't have access to. He's a complete and total psycho alcoholic but he's not stupid. He's self destructing and alcoholism is a self fulfilling prophesy. I texted him the audio recording and he called me crying saying he didn't know he did that. He's not seeing our children until he's been sober for 30 days. Period. I don't want him having any custody period. Supervised or not. I need to collect more information and make a game plan.

Stung

I document EVERYTHING. I have been making journal entires for months and keeping my mom up to date with every psycho thing he does.

Our old neighbor is the pyscho's sponsor and I let him know what's going on too. He also hopes that someone kicks his ass.

Stung

I can't wait until my kids are older and can choose for themselves to not see him. I can't believe I had children with such a psychopath but holy ****, he progressed so fast. When he told me he was an alcoholic in September I confided in a friend who divorced her AH and she told me this would happen and I thought she was nuts. No. Not my husband, I thought. He's too smart to let things get *that* crazy and out of hand and yet here I am. She was right.

1newcreation

Hi stung
Absolutely get outta there! Hope you have an attorney coz sounds like any judge would side w/ you; it's abuse to your child for nightmares & even tho they maybe separated from their dad, long term it's worth it.

SoaringSpirits

Oh, I am so sorry. That is so not good what he is doing. Can you ask him to pack up and move out tomorrow? Do you think you could get him to? If not, I think you need a plan to get the kids and get out while you sort out what comes next. But try to get him to leave if you can. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

OnawaMiniya

I agree. The fact that they could drive these kids around while drunk, let alone their generally abusive behavior....

Unbelievable.

Stung

That's why he cannot have custody. If he wants to abuse himself, fine, I won't try to stop him anymore. But he will NOT abuse my children anymore than he already has and I will NOT allow him to put them in danger because he hates himself. I have given him enough rope and he's hung himself. I'm going to see about getting a temporary restraining order today. I wish I could keep him away from us forever but temporary will do for now.

Seren

Please let us know how things go at the DV center and with the attorney today. You and your children are in my thoughts and prayers!

MyBetterWorld

I felt the same way a few years ago, Stung. IN my Ex's case, he was very verbally abusive. Spouting off about how I was the terrible parent and he would take the kids from me. He even went as far as to send my mom an email...making things up about me. The fact is, alcoholics talk big. They QUACK. I made the decision, took my kids and left and he never did one single thing about it. Never fought for custody...deep down they know they won't get custody. He is using FEAR to keep you there.

hopeful4

I have a friend who reminded me of this recently as I was having the same fears although my children are a bit older. She said her AXH drinks and she does not force her daughter to see him. I said could he not then take you back to court? She said he could, but he would have to pay an attorney and actually be sober enough to want to see said child. He talks big....but in all honesty, she just lets her daughter go when she knows he will be sober. She has spoken w/his family and they have an understanding. So she tries to make sure he has some time when his family is around and they will do the driving.

So...if I am forced to leave my AH I plan to never ever let him drive my children if he has been drinking. I will speak with him before (I can always tell if he has been drinking...always). If he has been drinking I will journal that he was drinking so if he would take me to court because I did not let him have the kids that day I would have it in a journal that he had been drinking and that is why.

Also, there is an option that they can order that forces them to blow every 4-6 hours when they have the kids. That may be an option for you. I don't know alot about it but some others who do can chime in here.

Gentle hugs. This is abuse to you and your child. I would suggest getting the police involved as neither of you deserve this and yes, it will help in a custody agreement.

I am so sorry. Protect your baby at all costs.

Stung

Now we're back to the remorseful hungover alcoholic. How do you tell if these things are genuine or if it's another "I'll never drink again" morning after empty promise? Here is what he has been texting me this morning. Haven't had a chance to seek out women's services but have a call into our atty.

I'm sorry for the things I said last night. Obviously, you are none of those things. I'm sorry to Maddie for being a bad dad when I said those things. I drink because I'm scared of losing you. I have always been scared of that. I can remember that feeling from the very beginning. As our family grew, that feeling intensified to the point of paranoia. You and the girls are the best thing that has ever happened to me. In some illogical way, I think if I hurt myself it will either make you love me more and never leave or if you leave me then I have something to blame it on. I know it doesn't make sense but it's the truth about how I feel.

I have always been used to being coddled. It has made me afraid of putting myself out there and failing. Because I know that there will be real consequences for failing. So instead, I drink to numb that fear of failing. Ironically, drinking is only driving me toward failure.

I know I'm a good person. But I'm a brat. I say and do things that I don't mean just to try to get even or be spiteful. It's a true tit for tat. I fear you are going to leave so I create an environment that says, "fine. Leave I don't need you anyways."

This is how I am with everything. I did it with basketball when I was younger. I did it at the newspaper. I'm doing it with work now and I'm doing it with my family. The reality is that I wanted to succeed at all of those things, especially with my family. The more I want it the more it scares me that I'll **** it up. The more scared I get the more anxiety I get. The more anxiety I have, the more I try to dull that feeling with alcohol.

I know that when I stop drinking, I'll be myself. I know that when I'm myself, I'll gain more confidence. With more confidence, I'll have less anxiety about losing everything. I've been in this cycle since before Maddie was born. I was scared that I would be a ****** dad and I have been one. I have this picture in my head of how I should be and I can't make it happen and I'm sorry. It's like when I got in the back seat with Ellie yesterday. It made me so happy to help and be a good dad, but for some reason I haven't been able to be that guy all the time. I'm so sorry to you and the girls.

Nothing catastrophic happened to me. I just never had confidence. Mainly because of the way I looked. I felt like I was the ugliest person in the world. I had to take myself to the dermatologist to address my acne when I was 17 because my parents didn't care. Because of that, I have scars that are a constant reminder. I had to fix my jacked up teeth myself too. I thought that I would never find someone like you.

I didn't want to address my problems. I'm a big fat baby who just thinks things will go away if I ignore them. And now here I am. I have created problems that won't go away by ignoring them. In fact they will only get perpetually worse.

hopeful4

At least he is able to articulate why he is doing what he is doing. Sounds a whole lot like my AH to be honest. The best thing he could do would be to get help for himself and you separate from him during that time and after. This is simply my opinion and what I wish I had done for myself and my children. If he truly wants to make things work it has to be for him. He needs help. He knows this. If he wants it he will get it. Don't find it for him or take over. Let him do it. Then stay apart from him after he does get help. He needs time to work on him, you need time to work on you and keep your children safe. If he is going to stay clean...time will tell. In the mean time, you and your children do not deserve to be abused emoationally and verbally. Time to man up, face his issues and deal with them.

An addict needs to deal with their own pain and consequences. If we keep saving them and letting them get by with these behaviors, it robs them the chance of ever changing. I heard this and will never forget it, it changed what role I see for myself. By letting my AH drink around me and my children not only am I hurting us, but him too. There is absolutely no good that can come from it, not a single thing.



Hugs.