This is a nightmare.
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That's all very "pretty" and lyrical, a whole lotta "I'm a jerk" with a solid dose of passive-aggressive "poor me".... but what is lacking (IMO) is the plan of action.
It's all great to hypothesize about "when he quits" but how/where is he working toward THAT?
That's the ONLY detail that matters.
It's all great to hypothesize about "when he quits" but how/where is he working toward THAT?
That's the ONLY detail that matters.
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Fire sprite, he sent me a novels worth of text messages. Those ones are below. But to me, it feels like same story, different day but maybe I'm being harsh. I personally feel like his internal problems are greater than just "I feel ugly and don't deserve my pretty family." He has some serious mommy issues, as do his siblings. I think he's bullshitting me to a degree and to quote one of the classic readings from the stickies above, he is a "child in a mans suit." I just always assumed that part would change as we went from our 20s to 30s and got married and bought a house and had kids. He's still a child and he wants to treat me like I'm his mother. Sorry, I don't want to play that game and so he is always complaining that he can never say the right thing...uh yeah, you need to stop talking to me as if I'm your mom and fighting against me when you don't get your way and blaming me when you screw up.
His texts re: a plan
I texted Al. I'm going to stay at an extended stay motel in sac for the next while. I'm going to go to meetings with Al everyday until I start getting better. I'm going to talk with him about other options like treatment, etc.
Maddie and Ellie need to know that daddy loves them. When their older I will be open with them about my issues. I want them to be happy
His texts re: a plan
I texted Al. I'm going to stay at an extended stay motel in sac for the next while. I'm going to go to meetings with Al everyday until I start getting better. I'm going to talk with him about other options like treatment, etc.
Maddie and Ellie need to know that daddy loves them. When their older I will be open with them about my issues. I want them to be happy
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You say he is a smart -- at least intelligent -- guy, right?
Figured by your call sign, the area and field(s) he is likely working goes along with that.
Smart aint always such a Good Thing in this realm.
A's are in sort of a battle with themselves. (or you if walk into the middle of).
Since he is fighting himself . . . he likely has a formidable foe.
You probably want to stand Real Clear of this fight.
Does not mean you need to take or give in ANY of the Drama.
mho -- Do not even worry about divorce, or much of the rest right now. Just slowly back out of the room, stay prayed up, and let him and God work this all out at safe distance from you and the kids.
Figured by your call sign, the area and field(s) he is likely working goes along with that.
Smart aint always such a Good Thing in this realm.
A's are in sort of a battle with themselves. (or you if walk into the middle of).
Since he is fighting himself . . . he likely has a formidable foe.
You probably want to stand Real Clear of this fight.
Does not mean you need to take or give in ANY of the Drama.
mho -- Do not even worry about divorce, or much of the rest right now. Just slowly back out of the room, stay prayed up, and let him and God work this all out at safe distance from you and the kids.
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Stung, I'm with you.... it's all words until you see action. And that means WAY more than just not drinking or JUST attending meetings & waiting for a solution to stroll up, introduce itself & make everything better.
Trust me, my story is a Case Study for this kind of thing
- RAH is 2+ years sober, then one relapse with drinking snowballing into a HUGE mountain of legal problems, revealing that he's been doing more whiteknuckling than working through his REAL issues. I can also completely relate to that dynamic of the "Mom" issue - you cannot win with that push & pull..... detachment is your FRIEND in dealing with those situations. Feel free to read back through my old posts anytime.
Trust me, my story is a Case Study for this kind of thing
- RAH is 2+ years sober, then one relapse with drinking snowballing into a HUGE mountain of legal problems, revealing that he's been doing more whiteknuckling than working through his REAL issues. I can also completely relate to that dynamic of the "Mom" issue - you cannot win with that push & pull..... detachment is your FRIEND in dealing with those situations. Feel free to read back through my old posts anytime.
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MissFixIt, I do know he wants to help himself. I do truly believe that so I think he's being sincere but he's still very much the addict version of my husband right now, not the sober version. He is naive in thinking he can just quit. His dumbass family members just keep telling him "just don't drink," the dummies. He has no idea what he's up against.
Hammer, he's in sales not tech and has a degree in English Lit & Poly Sci. He's book smart and very personable and charming. But he has no life skills or street smarts, but when mommy is still trying to wipe your butt for you you have no need for those things. When I kicked him out and made him stay at his parents house for weeks (HUGE mistake on my part in hindsight) he told me his mom was digging his dirty gym clothes out of his gym bag to wash them for him. Gross.
I know he needs to stay away, I know its best for my family as a whole. But it really buns me out that I'm effectively a single mom. I was raised by a single mom and I didn't want this for myself and I didn't want this for my kids either. This is one of those "the right decision is the hard decision" times and I need to remind myself of all the things I have to be thankful for. I'm healthy, my children are very healthy, I don't have to work (for now), and I have a nice home.
Hammer, he's in sales not tech and has a degree in English Lit & Poly Sci. He's book smart and very personable and charming. But he has no life skills or street smarts, but when mommy is still trying to wipe your butt for you you have no need for those things. When I kicked him out and made him stay at his parents house for weeks (HUGE mistake on my part in hindsight) he told me his mom was digging his dirty gym clothes out of his gym bag to wash them for him. Gross.
I know he needs to stay away, I know its best for my family as a whole. But it really buns me out that I'm effectively a single mom. I was raised by a single mom and I didn't want this for myself and I didn't want this for my kids either. This is one of those "the right decision is the hard decision" times and I need to remind myself of all the things I have to be thankful for. I'm healthy, my children are very healthy, I don't have to work (for now), and I have a nice home.
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Originally Posted by Stung 
Now we're back to the remorseful hungover alcoholic. How do you tell if these things are genuine or if it's another "I'll never drink again" morning after empty promise? Here is what he has been texting me this morning. Haven't had a chance to seek out women's services but have a call into our atty.
I'm sorry for the things I said last night. Obviously, you are none of those things. I'm sorry to Maddie for being a bad dad when I said those things. I drink because I'm scared of losing you. I have always been scared of that. I can remember that feeling from the very beginning. As our family grew, that feeling intensified to the point of paranoia. You and the girls are the best thing that has ever happened to me. In some illogical way, I think if I hurt myself it will either make you love me more and never leave or if you leave me then I have something to blame it on. I know it doesn't make sense but it's the truth about how I feel.
I have always been used to being coddled. It has made me afraid of putting myself out there and failing. Because I know that there will be real consequences for failing. So instead, I drink to numb that fear of failing. Ironically, drinking is only driving me toward failure.
I know I'm a good person. But I'm a brat. I say and do things that I don't mean just to try to get even or be spiteful. It's a true tit for tat. I fear you are going to leave so I create an environment that says, "fine. Leave I don't need you anyways."
This is how I am with everything. I did it with basketball when I was younger. I did it at the newspaper. I'm doing it with work now and I'm doing it with my family. The reality is that I wanted to succeed at all of those things, especially with my family. The more I want it the more it scares me that I'll **** it up. The more scared I get the more anxiety I get. The more anxiety I have, the more I try to dull that feeling with alcohol.
I know that when I stop drinking, I'll be myself. I know that when I'm myself, I'll gain more confidence. With more confidence, I'll have less anxiety about losing everything. I've been in this cycle since before Maddie was born. I was scared that I would be a ****** dad and I have been one. I have this picture in my head of how I should be and I can't make it happen and I'm sorry. It's like when I got in the back seat with Ellie yesterday. It made me so happy to help and be a good dad, but for some reason I haven't been able to be that guy all the time. I'm so sorry to you and the girls.
Nothing catastrophic happened to me. I just never had confidence. Mainly because of the way I looked. I felt like I was the ugliest person in the world. I had to take myself to the dermatologist to address my acne when I was 17 because my parents didn't care. Because of that, I have scars that are a constant reminder. I had to fix my jacked up teeth myself too. I thought that I would never find someone like you.
I didn't want to address my problems. I'm a big fat baby who just thinks things will go away if I ignore them. And now here I am. I have created problems that won't go away by ignoring them. In fact they will only get perpetually worse.
I'm sorry for the things I said last night. Obviously, you are none of those things. I'm sorry to Maddie for being a bad dad when I said those things. I drink because I'm scared of losing you. I have always been scared of that. I can remember that feeling from the very beginning. As our family grew, that feeling intensified to the point of paranoia. You and the girls are the best thing that has ever happened to me. In some illogical way, I think if I hurt myself it will either make you love me more and never leave or if you leave me then I have something to blame it on. I know it doesn't make sense but it's the truth about how I feel.
I have always been used to being coddled. It has made me afraid of putting myself out there and failing. Because I know that there will be real consequences for failing. So instead, I drink to numb that fear of failing. Ironically, drinking is only driving me toward failure.
I know I'm a good person. But I'm a brat. I say and do things that I don't mean just to try to get even or be spiteful. It's a true tit for tat. I fear you are going to leave so I create an environment that says, "fine. Leave I don't need you anyways."
This is how I am with everything. I did it with basketball when I was younger. I did it at the newspaper. I'm doing it with work now and I'm doing it with my family. The reality is that I wanted to succeed at all of those things, especially with my family. The more I want it the more it scares me that I'll **** it up. The more scared I get the more anxiety I get. The more anxiety I have, the more I try to dull that feeling with alcohol.
I know that when I stop drinking, I'll be myself. I know that when I'm myself, I'll gain more confidence. With more confidence, I'll have less anxiety about losing everything. I've been in this cycle since before Maddie was born. I was scared that I would be a ****** dad and I have been one. I have this picture in my head of how I should be and I can't make it happen and I'm sorry. It's like when I got in the back seat with Ellie yesterday. It made me so happy to help and be a good dad, but for some reason I haven't been able to be that guy all the time. I'm so sorry to you and the girls.
Nothing catastrophic happened to me. I just never had confidence. Mainly because of the way I looked. I felt like I was the ugliest person in the world. I had to take myself to the dermatologist to address my acne when I was 17 because my parents didn't care. Because of that, I have scars that are a constant reminder. I had to fix my jacked up teeth myself too. I thought that I would never find someone like you.
I didn't want to address my problems. I'm a big fat baby who just thinks things will go away if I ignore them. And now here I am. I have created problems that won't go away by ignoring them. In fact they will only get perpetually worse.
Typical, trying to make it either be your fault, or out of love for you, etc.
For the record, I have acne scars, and I'm ok.
I wish I had somethin more kind to say about him, for YOUR sake, but it's a quack.
Big hugs to you. I'm dealing with my own alcoholic, I understand how it hurts...
Peace.
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Yeah, he makes it sound like he's a hunchback or something he also has freckles (as do I and both of our girls) and his teeth are now flawless.
He has mommy issues. His other two living brothers are married to women 15 and 20 years older than them too. Older sister has never been married or in a committed relationship and no kids, she's in her 40s. MIL is a real piece of work and AH only recently has realized what a jerk she is through therapy. No one is good enough for her baby and no one in his family cares about our kids, just him because he's the baby. *I* think his problem is that he only knows how to identify himself as a son and that when he tries to be a husband he reverts to acting like I'm his mom and treats DD1 like she's a sibling. But this weird dynamic didn't start coming out until I was prego with DD1 and at that point I started realizing that MIL is a bad person but didn't realize how deep she has her hooks in AH. Now that the alcoholism is coming out and my reaching out to her, FIL and one BIL for support has been met with her telling me that she hopes AH divorces me because the way I'm treating him isn't right, I have a much clearer picture of his F'd up his relationships with them are.
He has mommy issues. His other two living brothers are married to women 15 and 20 years older than them too. Older sister has never been married or in a committed relationship and no kids, she's in her 40s. MIL is a real piece of work and AH only recently has realized what a jerk she is through therapy. No one is good enough for her baby and no one in his family cares about our kids, just him because he's the baby. *I* think his problem is that he only knows how to identify himself as a son and that when he tries to be a husband he reverts to acting like I'm his mom and treats DD1 like she's a sibling. But this weird dynamic didn't start coming out until I was prego with DD1 and at that point I started realizing that MIL is a bad person but didn't realize how deep she has her hooks in AH. Now that the alcoholism is coming out and my reaching out to her, FIL and one BIL for support has been met with her telling me that she hopes AH divorces me because the way I'm treating him isn't right, I have a much clearer picture of his F'd up his relationships with them are.
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keep going with your plan. attorney, women's services. sure he is remorseful, sure he is even insightful. but he is a complete out of control @ss when he drinks and he takes it out on his children. and his wife. he SAYS he'll never drink again.....he'll say anything at this moment. he's already got you wondering.....gosh is THIS the time? does he mean it?
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This is not rock bottom and he keeps reaching new lows. I know he'll drink again. And I don't care, its not my problem. But it IS my children's problem. Whether I want to or not, I have a vested interest in him getting his issues sorted out for my children's sake (unless i can get his rights to them removed.) I've said from the first time I posted here, I only care about protecting my children at this point. I don't need his love, I am worthy and deserving of more and I know that if he can't be the friend and partner that he vowed he would be, then I can find that again someday with someone else. I don't care about our marriage now, I care about my children staying safe and protecting them from any and all abuse. They don't deserve this. I'm a big girl and I can hold my own and I've mentally separated myself from him already.
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Good for you Momma! So many keep sliding that boundary further and further away from what is good for their children. You have their best interests at heart and that is what counts!
Keep posting, you are not alone!
Keep posting, you are not alone!
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Oh B@LLS!!
Isn't all that insight into why he drinks just peachy? Now, what is he going to do about it? He didn't come up with all THAT overnight, so he's obviously been thinking this through/getting his story straight/coming up with excuses for quite a while now. Do you think he's put as much time and effort into actually doing something to fix it?
Isn't all that insight into why he drinks just peachy? Now, what is he going to do about it? He didn't come up with all THAT overnight, so he's obviously been thinking this through/getting his story straight/coming up with excuses for quite a while now. Do you think he's put as much time and effort into actually doing something to fix it?
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I only care about protecting my children at this point.
I just wanted to say one thing, because it's one thing that's come back to bite this mama bear in the rear: What is best for the children may not be shared custody, regardless of what the courts may say . Be prepared to fight for full custody and supervised visitations only. Because your kids are worth it.
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