Need some insight - Cheated on, please help!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
If anyone has any similar experience or just some advice, please feel free to chime in.
Love, we have all had similar experiences, all of us. That is why we are here.
You asked for advice, this is all i have, it sounds like you need an intensive program, there are many out there for those of us so caught up in the them of it and not the us of it.
The only effective change you can make here, on your own, is to redirect your life in a way where you realize that you deserve love, respect, and peace.
Because you do deserve all of that.
Infidelity is a vicious self esteem killer, he has a lot of issues, he is making you feel bad because of them.
Abuse is unacceptable. Please focus on you.
Love, we have all had similar experiences, all of us. That is why we are here.
You asked for advice, this is all i have, it sounds like you need an intensive program, there are many out there for those of us so caught up in the them of it and not the us of it.
The only effective change you can make here, on your own, is to redirect your life in a way where you realize that you deserve love, respect, and peace.
Because you do deserve all of that.
Infidelity is a vicious self esteem killer, he has a lot of issues, he is making you feel bad because of them.
Abuse is unacceptable. Please focus on you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 17
HI Mamasitared,
Your story is scarily similar to mine. It has triggered a lot for me. I was with my partner for 3 years. 2 years into the realtionship, I was worried about his drinking and he knew this told me it wasn't an issue and I thought he could control turn things around if he wanted to.
One night he went out for a work function and he did not come home. This was not like him AT all, even when drunk he was always home by 12am or 1am(at the latest). So I was always comfortable that he was not a player - just liked to drink. I rang at 1am and texted at 3.30am to make sure he was safe. I then had the worse nights sleep ever not knowing where he was and at 6am rang the hospitals and police incase he had been involved in accident. At 8.30am I rang a workmate to see where he was and 15 mins later got a text to say he was on his way home.
At 9am he got home and told me he had stayed at a work mates place. I could see the shame he had and upon further questioning I found he had stayed at another womans place (and I knew she had propositioned other ppl at his work). He said he slept on the couch and I called the girl to get her story and she said had slept in her bed and I would need to find out from him exactly what happened she refused and said I would need to ask him.
I said he needed to piece the night together because someone was lying and the next day he did try - he had blacked out and he had stayed in her bed. He assures me nothing happened and perhaps it did or didn't - it was betrayal and a reality check for me. In those 2 year I NEVER thought he would cheat or lie to my face (about sleeping on the couch). He agreed to go to counselling as I said I wouldn't stay with him without dealing with this. I thought it was a rock bottom for him. It wasn't.
It is kind of irrelevant what actually happened. It highligted where things were happening in terms of his disease and I realise now it showed me the PROGRESSIVE nature of alcholism.
For me the 'sleepover' was a blessing. It allowed 3 main things to happen for me.
I reached my rock bottom 2 weeks later - when he went to a music festival and he went missing. Instead of listening to the music I discovered he sat in a pub having 'a' beer with 'Jason' - a really nice guy at a dark dingy pub near the festival. This 'beer' went for 2 hours - I can only imagine Jason drinking alone in a pub also had a drinking problem.
Travelling home from the festival my A was wasted. I realised despite the shame he felt about the 'sleepover' he was not able to address the drinking on his own. I realised it was a FAR bigger and more complex problem that I realised. This was my rockbottom. This was way beyond my comprehension. I had previously had a few people tell me about heading to Alanon and my response was always - there was NO WAY I was going when he had the problem.
I went to my first Alanon meeting the Tuesday after the festival.
And started going to as many meetings as I could. Six months after being at Alanon I asked the A to move out (after continual drinking episodes), things were not getting better.
We had a trial separation for 3 months and are no longer together. We have just filed the papers to family court to finalise our relationship and he will pay me out of the house we own together in the next month. Soon our relationship will be over and I am so relieved.
The best thing that happened to me was for my partner to have the 'sleepover' it prompted me to go to Alanon, find out about Alcholism as a PROGRESSIVE disease (it will only get worse) focus on myself and extract myself cleanly from the relationship.
I could not have done it with out support of SR or Alanon.
Like you my exA was incredibly supportive and loving and caring of me and I of him, we went through some incredibly hard times. It is helpful to separte the disease from the person, but to know that untreated alcholism will ONLY get worse.
You are in the right place and are asking the right questions.
Hugs to you.
Mill
Your story is scarily similar to mine. It has triggered a lot for me. I was with my partner for 3 years. 2 years into the realtionship, I was worried about his drinking and he knew this told me it wasn't an issue and I thought he could control turn things around if he wanted to.
One night he went out for a work function and he did not come home. This was not like him AT all, even when drunk he was always home by 12am or 1am(at the latest). So I was always comfortable that he was not a player - just liked to drink. I rang at 1am and texted at 3.30am to make sure he was safe. I then had the worse nights sleep ever not knowing where he was and at 6am rang the hospitals and police incase he had been involved in accident. At 8.30am I rang a workmate to see where he was and 15 mins later got a text to say he was on his way home.
At 9am he got home and told me he had stayed at a work mates place. I could see the shame he had and upon further questioning I found he had stayed at another womans place (and I knew she had propositioned other ppl at his work). He said he slept on the couch and I called the girl to get her story and she said had slept in her bed and I would need to find out from him exactly what happened she refused and said I would need to ask him.
I said he needed to piece the night together because someone was lying and the next day he did try - he had blacked out and he had stayed in her bed. He assures me nothing happened and perhaps it did or didn't - it was betrayal and a reality check for me. In those 2 year I NEVER thought he would cheat or lie to my face (about sleeping on the couch). He agreed to go to counselling as I said I wouldn't stay with him without dealing with this. I thought it was a rock bottom for him. It wasn't.
It is kind of irrelevant what actually happened. It highligted where things were happening in terms of his disease and I realise now it showed me the PROGRESSIVE nature of alcholism.
For me the 'sleepover' was a blessing. It allowed 3 main things to happen for me.
I reached my rock bottom 2 weeks later - when he went to a music festival and he went missing. Instead of listening to the music I discovered he sat in a pub having 'a' beer with 'Jason' - a really nice guy at a dark dingy pub near the festival. This 'beer' went for 2 hours - I can only imagine Jason drinking alone in a pub also had a drinking problem.
Travelling home from the festival my A was wasted. I realised despite the shame he felt about the 'sleepover' he was not able to address the drinking on his own. I realised it was a FAR bigger and more complex problem that I realised. This was my rockbottom. This was way beyond my comprehension. I had previously had a few people tell me about heading to Alanon and my response was always - there was NO WAY I was going when he had the problem.
I went to my first Alanon meeting the Tuesday after the festival.
And started going to as many meetings as I could. Six months after being at Alanon I asked the A to move out (after continual drinking episodes), things were not getting better.
We had a trial separation for 3 months and are no longer together. We have just filed the papers to family court to finalise our relationship and he will pay me out of the house we own together in the next month. Soon our relationship will be over and I am so relieved.
The best thing that happened to me was for my partner to have the 'sleepover' it prompted me to go to Alanon, find out about Alcholism as a PROGRESSIVE disease (it will only get worse) focus on myself and extract myself cleanly from the relationship.
I could not have done it with out support of SR or Alanon.
Like you my exA was incredibly supportive and loving and caring of me and I of him, we went through some incredibly hard times. It is helpful to separte the disease from the person, but to know that untreated alcholism will ONLY get worse.
You are in the right place and are asking the right questions.
Hugs to you.
Mill
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 17
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ics-cheat.html
I found this post useful to understand the impact and connection of alcholism and adultery
I found this post useful to understand the impact and connection of alcholism and adultery
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
you are living with a verbal abusive drunk who randomly sleeps with other women and gives you the line "I don't know"... oh sure he DOES....
He has no respect for you. You need to respect yourself and know you deserve a less violent roller coaster relationship...where you don't constantly have to police and parent a person.
Your relationship and interests are NOT unique...He's alcoholic and you are enabling him. I hope you see this soon.
you speak so calmly of him going to the clinic to be tested for STD...Is this NORMAL? no it's not.
He has no respect for you. You need to respect yourself and know you deserve a less violent roller coaster relationship...where you don't constantly have to police and parent a person.
Your relationship and interests are NOT unique...He's alcoholic and you are enabling him. I hope you see this soon.
you speak so calmly of him going to the clinic to be tested for STD...Is this NORMAL? no it's not.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Let me make a few wild guesses here:
1) One or both of your parents was an alcoholic. Likely your father.
2) You fell hard and fast for this guy, maybe even slept with him on the first date.
3) The way you feel about him is far beyond any love you ever thought you might experience--you are soulmates.
4) You sometimes feel like you are the "practical" one in the relationship, while he is more carefree, even bordering on irresponsible. Although his spontaneity and impulsiveness are part of what makes him so attractive to you.
5) The "normal" fights you say you have over money and housework generally involve him spending too much money and you doing all the housework. Rarely, if ever, the other way around.
6) You believe that he has much potential, if only he would grow up a little bit.
How am I doing so far? Some of these things might not fit to a tee, but I'm pretty sure that the majority are probably pretty close. How do I know? Because I was you about 30 or so years ago.
You've already made the decision that verbal abuse is not a dealbreaker. Now you're making the decision that cheating is not a dealbreaker. It would be good to sit yourself down and decide what exactly IS a dealbreaker for you. Because while you may want to believe with all your heart that this is as bad as it gets, I'm here to tell you that it can get much, much worse. Please do as has been suggested and educate yourself. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by doing so. I truly hope that you don't wake up one day like I did, after twenty years and two children, and wonder how your life got to be such a mess.
I am nine years out of it now, and I can say that I am happier than I ever have been. But, it took a lot of suffering to get to this place. My hope is that through my sharing, you will not have to suffer as long or as much as I did.
L
1) One or both of your parents was an alcoholic. Likely your father.
2) You fell hard and fast for this guy, maybe even slept with him on the first date.
3) The way you feel about him is far beyond any love you ever thought you might experience--you are soulmates.
4) You sometimes feel like you are the "practical" one in the relationship, while he is more carefree, even bordering on irresponsible. Although his spontaneity and impulsiveness are part of what makes him so attractive to you.
5) The "normal" fights you say you have over money and housework generally involve him spending too much money and you doing all the housework. Rarely, if ever, the other way around.
6) You believe that he has much potential, if only he would grow up a little bit.
How am I doing so far? Some of these things might not fit to a tee, but I'm pretty sure that the majority are probably pretty close. How do I know? Because I was you about 30 or so years ago.
You've already made the decision that verbal abuse is not a dealbreaker. Now you're making the decision that cheating is not a dealbreaker. It would be good to sit yourself down and decide what exactly IS a dealbreaker for you. Because while you may want to believe with all your heart that this is as bad as it gets, I'm here to tell you that it can get much, much worse. Please do as has been suggested and educate yourself. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by doing so. I truly hope that you don't wake up one day like I did, after twenty years and two children, and wonder how your life got to be such a mess.
I am nine years out of it now, and I can say that I am happier than I ever have been. But, it took a lot of suffering to get to this place. My hope is that through my sharing, you will not have to suffer as long or as much as I did.
L
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
If anyone has any similar experience or just some advice, please feel free to chime in.
Yep. Divorcing my alcoholic husband of 17 years after black outs, wet beds, calling the police, throwing his **** out onto the yard, stalking him to make sure he wasn't seeing any of his women or drinking, begging him to stop drinking, begging him to just freaking love me, tons of affairs, two kids, foreclosed house, broken heart I finally, finally, care enough about myself to walk away. Happily. Eager to get the hell out.
Wish I had done it 16 years ago.
So. You're here now, which is fantastic. I hope you can find the time to do a bunch of reading, which isn't likely because if you're anything like me you'll spend the next 17 years obsessing about a man you simply cannot control. Because none of us can control anyone or anyone. We can only change ourselves.
I work hard now, every day, to ensure my own happiness. That means I don't work or associate with anyone unless we have mutual respect. It's amazing. Profound.
Good luck. Keep posting, keep reading.
Yep. Divorcing my alcoholic husband of 17 years after black outs, wet beds, calling the police, throwing his **** out onto the yard, stalking him to make sure he wasn't seeing any of his women or drinking, begging him to stop drinking, begging him to just freaking love me, tons of affairs, two kids, foreclosed house, broken heart I finally, finally, care enough about myself to walk away. Happily. Eager to get the hell out.
Wish I had done it 16 years ago.
So. You're here now, which is fantastic. I hope you can find the time to do a bunch of reading, which isn't likely because if you're anything like me you'll spend the next 17 years obsessing about a man you simply cannot control. Because none of us can control anyone or anyone. We can only change ourselves.
I work hard now, every day, to ensure my own happiness. That means I don't work or associate with anyone unless we have mutual respect. It's amazing. Profound.
Good luck. Keep posting, keep reading.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Chicago
Posts: 101
My perspective is from the other (dark) side. I was your boyfriend 7 weeks ago. I kissed someone other than my husband during a blackout. I don't remember any more than that but we were at a bar and I took a cab home so I know it didn't go any farther. This was my rock bottom, I've never experienced more shame or guilt in my life. And after years of drinking, lord knows I've done a lot of embarrassing things. It took a few days of deep reflection to figure out what I needed to do to save my marriage. 1) admit to him that I have a drinking problem and that I was never going to drink again. 2) come clean about my cheating and be completely honest and deeply deeply apologetic. 3) deal with the consequences of my actions and not get defensive, bc as much as I'm hurting, I hurt the person I care about most in the world.
That was nearly 7 weeks ago. I'll be 7 weeks sober tomorrow. We're still working through if, but he wouldn't be with me if I were still drinking. That is the only way I can prove to him how sorry I am and take responsibility for my actions. If your bf isn't willing to do that for you (and himself) I hate to say it, but it's only going to get worse. Things that you can get away with in your 20's become far less acceptable in your 30's.
Lastly, I'll try to help speculate on your bf's blackout bc if you've never experienced one it's really hard to understand - my husband is still not okay with my explanation that even though I don't remember I know we only kissed. Your bf probably remembers bits and pieces and then the next day tried to put the pieces together using context. ie. He woke up fully clothed, probably a good sign, especially since guys usually sleep with their shirts off. He remembers the kiss, but nothing else. Probably bc he passed out. If anything else happened, he would probably remember a tiny piece, the question remains, was he completely honest with you about what he remembers?
I think you need to have a long conversation about the reality of his drinking. And if he's not willing to stop, I would advise leaving the relationship. Take it from me, it's only going to get worse for both of you unless he quits. Best of luck to you.
That was nearly 7 weeks ago. I'll be 7 weeks sober tomorrow. We're still working through if, but he wouldn't be with me if I were still drinking. That is the only way I can prove to him how sorry I am and take responsibility for my actions. If your bf isn't willing to do that for you (and himself) I hate to say it, but it's only going to get worse. Things that you can get away with in your 20's become far less acceptable in your 30's.
Lastly, I'll try to help speculate on your bf's blackout bc if you've never experienced one it's really hard to understand - my husband is still not okay with my explanation that even though I don't remember I know we only kissed. Your bf probably remembers bits and pieces and then the next day tried to put the pieces together using context. ie. He woke up fully clothed, probably a good sign, especially since guys usually sleep with their shirts off. He remembers the kiss, but nothing else. Probably bc he passed out. If anything else happened, he would probably remember a tiny piece, the question remains, was he completely honest with you about what he remembers?
I think you need to have a long conversation about the reality of his drinking. And if he's not willing to stop, I would advise leaving the relationship. Take it from me, it's only going to get worse for both of you unless he quits. Best of luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
HOLY CRAP........... is all I have to say.
No, I have one other thing to say, ( and I am saying this in all sincerity and gentleness)
Please remove your rose colored glasses, and detective hat.
If you really want to sort out your life, I would start by educating myself about addiction. Take some time and read some of the post on these forums, you just may find/see yourself in someone else's story.
No, I have one other thing to say, ( and I am saying this in all sincerity and gentleness)
Please remove your rose colored glasses, and detective hat.
If you really want to sort out your life, I would start by educating myself about addiction. Take some time and read some of the post on these forums, you just may find/see yourself in someone else's story.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Originally Posted by mamacitared 
@anvilhead2:
@lifeRecovery:
In terms of his alcoholism, I feel that it is the one thing that ruins him and stops him being the best person he can be and the best boyfriend he can be. I have (had) no problems with him going out for a few pints now and then, which is usually the case, its not often it escalates beyond that. Its just every now and then he loses control with it and cannot hit the 'off-switch' - it is these times when he becomes aggressive and disorientated and a completely different person to the man I love. Sometimes he ends up somewhere in between and will be drunk and annoying but not nasty. This is the case maybe 2 or 3 times a month. most of the time when he drinks he doesnt really get drunk at all. Doesnt stop him having a dependency though. I think this is why he lures himself into thinking its ok to get drunk now and then because he thinks hes in control, and this is why i believe he allowed himself to keep drinking on that night.
He certainly needs professional help. Luckily i work with a guy who my bf really gets along well with who is 5 years sober and still attends AA etc. He has said that he will be more than happy to take my bf under his wing and help him as he says he can kinda see himself 10 years ago and he would hate to see my bf go down the same route. so that might be a safe staring point for him.
.
@lifeRecovery:
In terms of his alcoholism, I feel that it is the one thing that ruins him and stops him being the best person he can be and the best boyfriend he can be. I have (had) no problems with him going out for a few pints now and then, which is usually the case, its not often it escalates beyond that. Its just every now and then he loses control with it and cannot hit the 'off-switch' - it is these times when he becomes aggressive and disorientated and a completely different person to the man I love. Sometimes he ends up somewhere in between and will be drunk and annoying but not nasty. This is the case maybe 2 or 3 times a month. most of the time when he drinks he doesnt really get drunk at all. Doesnt stop him having a dependency though. I think this is why he lures himself into thinking its ok to get drunk now and then because he thinks hes in control, and this is why i believe he allowed himself to keep drinking on that night.
He certainly needs professional help. Luckily i work with a guy who my bf really gets along well with who is 5 years sober and still attends AA etc. He has said that he will be more than happy to take my bf under his wing and help him as he says he can kinda see himself 10 years ago and he would hate to see my bf go down the same route. so that might be a safe staring point for him.
.
The individual that got me here had a simliar drinking pattern.
It was not a problem every time he drank, but I knew every time he drank it might be a problem....and I walked on eggshells because of it.
One of the things this journey has helped me to realize is that sometimes my definitions of things are skewed...in this case I was goofy on what problem drinking was. I got to define it for me. Problem drinking was when my hubby was not okay to participate as a human being in his own life.
You might recognize he needs some help, but what does he think? I am not asking what he says to you, but what he is doing to get himself help. I also had to learn that I could not do my loved ones recovery for him.
what kind of support do you have for you....this is really hard stuff.
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