ready to separate, why am i guilty?

Old 12-15-2013, 12:25 AM
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ready to separate, why am i guilty?

My AH of 18 years recently relapsed again. This time he was in denial, verbally and physically abusive and blamed me for not keeping peace in the home. He's currently living in a hotel with a restraining order. He saw our children today and talked about how sad and lonely he is but still denies he drank and said it was just a slap.
We recently located to a new state far away from any family or friends which makes this separation very difficult. In the past, I would ask him to leave when he became crazy but he never would. Always wanted me and the kids to leave our home.
We are headed to court this week to discuss the restraining order. I font want to be hurtful or ugly. I just want him out of our home so we both can recover as well as the children. Any advice on what has worked for you? His family is far away and he has no friends here yet to help. Why am I going so guilty?
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Old 12-15-2013, 05:43 AM
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I'm so glad that you had the presence of mind to obtain a restraining order when he became physically violent! You did not deserve to be hurt, no one does!

I have no equivalent experience with a spouse, children, and a restraining order....but I know about that guilt thing. It comes, I think, from that part of us that cares for everyone and does not want to cause anyone else pain. I think we women do this in spades......but especially those of us who have these learned codie traits.

What helps me is I keep reminding myself of the reality of the situation. In your case, certainly he is where he is because of his own actions. He is an alcoholic who has chosen to not recover, he drank, he got violent, he was ugly around your children, he is not living in a hotel. (Actions === > Consequences) And they are all his.

Please never feel guilty about protecting yourself and your children.
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Old 12-15-2013, 07:35 PM
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I am also dealing with tremendous guilt & I am only making my escape plan. My ABF hhas not been physical but emotionally I am dying. I am walking on eggshells, have alienated my family & friends. He ruined my Thanksgiving this year& embarrassed me in front of 20 people. I decided that night I had to go. Now I know I have to but that doesnt make it anyy less painful. I care for him & sober he is a hard working great guy. Unfortunately hee is an alcoholic & has to want to stop & doesn't want to. I know all to well that I can't stop this. It will be better alone & peaceful. I am reading all of the stories of strength & they help. Its good to know there is a place wwhere others understand. Sending peeace & Love
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Old 12-15-2013, 07:49 PM
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I don't understand. Is this person your husband or boyfriend? Or are your posts about two different people?
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Old 12-15-2013, 08:23 PM
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I think your asking me ABF or AH... I am new to this & am not very good at typing with my phone. He is actually my fiance... I guess... I wear a ring but he says I am already his wife. We almost planned a day. He really didnt want to get married so we did not ever discuss it again. Sorry for any confusion. I am just reaching out because I dont know what else to do right now & am in need of support so I can start taking steps to gt my own life back...
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Old 12-15-2013, 08:28 PM
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I think the OP and another poster on this have similar names? Just trying to help like a good codie.

HI I want to be….just wanted to welcome you. It sounds like being here could be a very good thing right now.
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