No Christmas Presents
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by Stung 
The consequence of his behavior is that I don't feel compelled to do something special for him. He doesn't care about making me happy and my love and kindness for him isn't unconditional. I feel like I'm standing up for myself.
I know coming from an alcoholic home we always strive to do what doesn't rock the boat or we walk on egg shells. God forbid we make the alcoholic feel uncomfortable!
At the end of the day you have to do what makes sense to you.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by LadyinBC
At the end of the day you have to do what makes sense to you.
True dat.
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Hey Stung -- sorry folks got so weird on you with this.
Whatever you do, just make sure you are doing for a "good" reason. I am talking about like Good v. Bad. Not so much about good-that-will-get-him.
Choose the Good and Do the Good, and not much room for you to do wrong.
In the end, you may likely find the battle between Mr. Stung and You is not between Mr. Stung and You.
You have to know the "Mother Teresa" Poem?
===================
Mother Teresa: " Do It Anyway" (The Prayer Foundation).
1. The version found written on the wall in Mother Teresa's home for children in Calcutta:
People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.
-this version is credited to Mother Teresa
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 44
Hi Stung,
Congratulations on your two littlies. Its hard work, even without an AH trying to derail you.
I don't want to give a present to my AH this year. We won't be seeing him on the day anyway ( I won't let him see our kids if he's had a drink and he's binging at the moment) and I don't want to give him the headspace that it requires to think of a present. My girls are 4 and 8. If they want to pick him out a little present just from them they know that they can and I'll pay.
I'm sorry you are getting a hard time on this thread as well as in life! I hope the next posters are gentle.
Congratulations on your two littlies. Its hard work, even without an AH trying to derail you.
I don't want to give a present to my AH this year. We won't be seeing him on the day anyway ( I won't let him see our kids if he's had a drink and he's binging at the moment) and I don't want to give him the headspace that it requires to think of a present. My girls are 4 and 8. If they want to pick him out a little present just from them they know that they can and I'll pay.
I'm sorry you are getting a hard time on this thread as well as in life! I hope the next posters are gentle.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
If you don't want to give him a present, don't.
But do tell him of your decision in advance.
On rereading this thread I realize that lack of accompanying social clues combined with being brief, actually comes across terse. I didn't mean to be. I do support your decision not to give him a gift.
I'm sorry it seemed otherwise.
Wishing you well.
But do tell him of your decision in advance.
On rereading this thread I realize that lack of accompanying social clues combined with being brief, actually comes across terse. I didn't mean to be. I do support your decision not to give him a gift.
I'm sorry it seemed otherwise.
Wishing you well.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: oxford
Posts: 21
Stung,I think you are doing fantastically well in an incredible difficult situation..I feel for you.I am a mother of two boys..8 and 12..they are everything to me.When I use to drink I was dreadful and wasnt on the ball,anything could have happened..when I look back I hate myself for what I did. No,I detest myself. Your husband is in a similar place to where I was by the sounds of it..I was unreasonable, unreliable, neglectful, volatile, you name it. I know one thing though,your husband certainly doesnt want to be the way he is right now. I didnt mean to sound harsh in my text about the present thing,this is so much more than about a present.. And,I do think its a good idea to let off steam anyway you can. Im hoping so much he gets better and things improve for you and your family..I am sending you lots of love and a hug xxxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I would like this post to die. If I knew how to delete it myself I would. Recalling the Exploartorium incident was a trigger for me because a lot of similar events flooded my memory. I was defensive because I felt overwhelmed with my own hurt. Usually, I really do try to focus on the positive and yesterday I failed.
Hammer, thank you for that poem. It is between me and God and I appreciate the reminder.
Hammer, thank you for that poem. It is between me and God and I appreciate the reminder.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: back woods USA
Posts: 171
Stung...I just read this post and honestly was a little shocked at how harsh some people were. I thought we were able to come here and vent, be brutally honest and receive support from understanding peers.
That being said I lived with my XRAH for 16 years and rarely received xmas presents (unless we happened to be arguing that year, then I would get extravagant presents) from him, and he certainly didn't warn me in advance..lol
We are all human, we all reach our limit and explode with the anger and hurt that we most of the time bury. The fact that most of us are able to walk the earth in our day to day lives and function while all the chaos is going on behind our closed doors is mind bending to me. I am so grateful that I can come to this board when I am at my weakest and most vulnerable and get the support and comfort I am looking for. I hope you continue to do the same.
big hugs to you girl...
That being said I lived with my XRAH for 16 years and rarely received xmas presents (unless we happened to be arguing that year, then I would get extravagant presents) from him, and he certainly didn't warn me in advance..lol
We are all human, we all reach our limit and explode with the anger and hurt that we most of the time bury. The fact that most of us are able to walk the earth in our day to day lives and function while all the chaos is going on behind our closed doors is mind bending to me. I am so grateful that I can come to this board when I am at my weakest and most vulnerable and get the support and comfort I am looking for. I hope you continue to do the same.
big hugs to you girl...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by Hammer
mkay. A cover for his AA book?
We (daughter and I) "won" a nice cover at our Big Annual AA/Alanon Party Raffle.
Mrs. Hammer stole it as her own before we got home.
Guess that means she like it.
The fancy covers have a double section to hold a 12 and 12 (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions) book, too, along with a "Chip Window" for putting your Sobriety Chip in.
Some sample pix:
aa big book cover - ***** Image Search Results
We (daughter and I) "won" a nice cover at our Big Annual AA/Alanon Party Raffle.
Mrs. Hammer stole it as her own before we got home.
Guess that means she like it.
The fancy covers have a double section to hold a 12 and 12 (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions) book, too, along with a "Chip Window" for putting your Sobriety Chip in.
Some sample pix:
aa big book cover - ***** Image Search Results
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Originally Posted by Lethe
ok - so everyone according to your past posts, knows about all his bad points. You told all family and his friends and beyond.
You've called him every name in the book on SR. You've showed him yer recording him and thrown that in his face, whilst he's drunk.....which is quite dangerous to do.
btw - my girlfriend used to claim she had a video where "it is PROVED" how I abused her. She screeched it from a psych ward.
Her Mom explain that was what her daughter did....accused people. . Near 4 year later and she is dead.
So all the recording and crap, means nothing.
but back to the actually meaningful thing - NO XMAS gifts????
Bet the kids are gonna wonder about THAT.
Naughty or nice? Do you really play that game when yer all grown up? UNLESS yer divorcing or separating. Then, sure.
Cheers
You've called him every name in the book on SR. You've showed him yer recording him and thrown that in his face, whilst he's drunk.....which is quite dangerous to do.
btw - my girlfriend used to claim she had a video where "it is PROVED" how I abused her. She screeched it from a psych ward.
Her Mom explain that was what her daughter did....accused people. . Near 4 year later and she is dead.
So all the recording and crap, means nothing.
but back to the actually meaningful thing - NO XMAS gifts????
Bet the kids are gonna wonder about THAT.
Naughty or nice? Do you really play that game when yer all grown up? UNLESS yer divorcing or separating. Then, sure.
Cheers
Also not sure what the point was regarding your ex and the recording and her being dead now. And that the recording means nothing now.
As far as playing games... I think the better question is, do you really play the game of being an alcoholic and ruining everything when yer all grown up? Being with an alcoholic is a nightmare. I for one am not offended when a partner, family member, or friend of an alcoholic has become frustrated, hurt, fed up, and, yes - angry...
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
The years we were together I had a few nice holidays with STBXAH. He was good at gifting early on, better than I ever was. Then he started disappearing over holidays. Then there was the one Christmas he took my credit cards and purchased Xmas gifts for me that were literally 9x over the dollar number we budgeted. Who paid those off? Me.
Holidays can suck, but especially so when you're dealing with massive family conflict. There is so much pressure to be happy (CAPITAL HAPPY!) and when your family falls short it can feel like a failure.
My suggestion is to get him something small and thoughtful like you always would (do unto others), and then to take stock in the relationship and figure out how to get out.
If you're this unhappy, just leave him. Screw the holidays. You have the right to leave a relationship at any time for any reason. Alcoholism is a great reason to leave.
Holidays can suck, but especially so when you're dealing with massive family conflict. There is so much pressure to be happy (CAPITAL HAPPY!) and when your family falls short it can feel like a failure.
My suggestion is to get him something small and thoughtful like you always would (do unto others), and then to take stock in the relationship and figure out how to get out.
If you're this unhappy, just leave him. Screw the holidays. You have the right to leave a relationship at any time for any reason. Alcoholism is a great reason to leave.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 214
Holidays are one time when kids, especially, expect tradition. Most of the rest of our lives, we adjust schedules, the A calls in sick or makes excuses--it all just becomes more obvious when he can't postpone Christmas or Thanksgiving because of a really bad migraine (hangover), or because the A couldn't drive in the holiday traffic--too drunk--so didn't get presents.
Or worse, went shopping drunk and spent way too much. My A was big on keeping up appearances, so he'd get really irritable around Christmas if everyone wasn't 'having a good time' with him.
I always bought presents, but it's a landmine. I decided a few years ago to stop following the A's lead and overspending with him, and to completely shop for gifts based on my heart and my values and budget. It makes it really fun for me, and I can usually find just the right gift, even for an A.
Or worse, went shopping drunk and spent way too much. My A was big on keeping up appearances, so he'd get really irritable around Christmas if everyone wasn't 'having a good time' with him.
I always bought presents, but it's a landmine. I decided a few years ago to stop following the A's lead and overspending with him, and to completely shop for gifts based on my heart and my values and budget. It makes it really fun for me, and I can usually find just the right gift, even for an A.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Well this is now a moot point for me. The irony in all of this? In early September I bought him a Buffalo Bills beer mug for Christmas (I threw it in the trash a few weeks ago), because I didn't yet know he was an alcoholic and his two favorite pastimes are football and beer.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
FWIW Stung, my RAH will not be receiving any gifts from me this year either, altho for entirely different reasons.
He's the one that created a financial hole so enormous that I literally cannot afford to care about it. He not only led me to expect/believe he had income on it's way but simultaneously created debts that far outweigh that amount. I only just managed to transfer to low/no interest credit to minimize the compounding interest but it is going to take me months (if not a couple of years) to correct his BS from the last year or so.
I DID take DD shopping & help her pick out some inexpensive, meaningful gifts to give to Dad & offered him the same amount of cash to take her to do the same for me....because she's 9 & it WILL matter to her. So he's not the only one bearing the "punishment" of no gifts - there will none under the tree for me either, none for my 40th birthday just this past weekend.
I joked that I will make myself a tee shirt that says, "All I got for my Birthmasday is a BALANCE TRANSFER", and while I'm laughing now to keep my sanity, there's a big part of me that doesn't find it funny in the least.
He's the one that created a financial hole so enormous that I literally cannot afford to care about it. He not only led me to expect/believe he had income on it's way but simultaneously created debts that far outweigh that amount. I only just managed to transfer to low/no interest credit to minimize the compounding interest but it is going to take me months (if not a couple of years) to correct his BS from the last year or so.
I DID take DD shopping & help her pick out some inexpensive, meaningful gifts to give to Dad & offered him the same amount of cash to take her to do the same for me....because she's 9 & it WILL matter to her. So he's not the only one bearing the "punishment" of no gifts - there will none under the tree for me either, none for my 40th birthday just this past weekend.
I joked that I will make myself a tee shirt that says, "All I got for my Birthmasday is a BALANCE TRANSFER", and while I'm laughing now to keep my sanity, there's a big part of me that doesn't find it funny in the least.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 160
Stung, I sincerely hope YOU are happy with the decision you've made about the Christmas present. (I'm praying that doesn't sound snarky, but I tried several different ways of writing it and just couldn't figure out anything unambiguous.) I myself have struggled with this one for a while, and every year have decided to take "the high road" and do it anyway, despite the fact AH didn't give me anything. (And we're not just talking Christmas here either; it's birthday, Valentine's, our anniversary too for the past couple years.) It all boils down to the kind of person I want to be; if I did even a couple of the horrible things he does, I don't think I'd like myself very much. If I gave him what he deserved, it wouldn't be much (plus I would probably spend some time in jail!) But I don't think it is for me to punish him in this particular way for his behaviors, nor do I think it would make any difference whatsoever. The only thing it would accomplish is to make me feel guilty (rightly or wrongly, it doesn't matter) for not treating him kindly. And it isn't about what he does or doesn't give me, or the way he treats me, but about what I do. I may feel a little resentment come Christmas day, but I trust I will feel better knowing I did what I thought was the decent thing to do at this time and place. I understand that your "decent" may be different than mine, and will vary with your own circumstances as well. I just hope you find it and are satisfied with it in this and every other situation.
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