No Christmas Presents
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: oxford
Posts: 21
Hi Stung,bloody hell you have had a rough time! I wasnt going to comment but I just read the part where you said you,d had a c section and you had to cope alone with your children..that is appalling for you! I dont care that he is an alcoholic, that is despicable. ! I really feel for you and no,I wouldnt buy him a present! Oh my god no I wouldnt!! I have terrible problems with alcohol myself and I have done some awful things too..im sorry I dont sound sympathetic toward your AH but I am rarely sympathetic toward myself either..I really hope things improve for you,bless your heart..xx
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: PA
Posts: 695
Too Funny I was just going to post this...
So this year I get the idea that for Christmas each person will get 2 presents. That's it. Getting back to the basics of Christmas and it's not about the gifts.
I got an email this morning that one of my son's presents is back ordered and won't be in until January. I then begin to go through the UPS and Fed Ex packages stacked in a corner only to discover that I have Chicago Bear's Flip Flops and apparently some woman in Hawaii has my son's Green Bay Packers Hoodie Sweat Shirt!
So this was totally unintentional and he has been nothing but a GREAT son but he also has no presents!
So this year I get the idea that for Christmas each person will get 2 presents. That's it. Getting back to the basics of Christmas and it's not about the gifts.
I got an email this morning that one of my son's presents is back ordered and won't be in until January. I then begin to go through the UPS and Fed Ex packages stacked in a corner only to discover that I have Chicago Bear's Flip Flops and apparently some woman in Hawaii has my son's Green Bay Packers Hoodie Sweat Shirt!
So this was totally unintentional and he has been nothing but a GREAT son but he also has no presents!
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
I'm usually the odd man out when it comes to this stuff. Gift giving is a sore spot for me because of the way I grew up. Anything I was ever gifted had strings attached from my AM. I always felt obligated to get her something and act happy because she's my mother, and well that's what you do at Christmas. Screw that. If you aren't feeling kindly towards him, don't get him anything. Just don't do that with the expectation that it's going to change anything. I got an earful on Mother's Day because I sent my aunt and my grandmother flowers, but AM didn't get any, and apparently she cried and cried. Guess what? Her little show wasn't followed up by any effort to quit drinking or change herself. I never expected that it would. I didn't send her flowers because of how she's treated me my entire life. She wished I'd never been born, called me a wh*re and countless other names during my lifetime, and then cried when she didn't get flowers? I really couldn't care less. I don't believe in obligated gift giving, but I definitely wouldn't let him know he's not getting anything in front of the kids. They don't yet understand the complexities of relationships with addiction, so you have to tread lightly there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Candy, that's nothing. I have had an entire year filled with experiences just like that while I was either pregnant or adjusting to having two children and an, unbenownest to me, alcoholic husband.
If I wanted to punish him I would post on Facebook that living with an alcoholic is hard and publish the audio recording of him getting physical with me or the many text messages that I have of him admitting that he an alcoholic or the texts where he admitted he was lying or when he told me via text that he hates me because I'm so mean. I'm not punishing him. I just don't want to buy him any gifts. My gift to him is my patience and honoring our wedding vows even though he's stomped on them a hundred times over and has literally taken his wedding band off and thrown it at me in our front yard. My gift is loving him, as I promised to, for better or worse even though the same thing hasn't been given in return for the majority of our marraige. My gift is not treating him with resentment and anger every single time I speak to him because I am able to move past the hellish events he has put me through. In fact, I think I'll buy him a Christmas card and write in it how much I love him abd continue to believe in him and remind him that Christmas isn't about tangible gifts and that the gifts he's from me are priceless.
If I wanted to punish him I would post on Facebook that living with an alcoholic is hard and publish the audio recording of him getting physical with me or the many text messages that I have of him admitting that he an alcoholic or the texts where he admitted he was lying or when he told me via text that he hates me because I'm so mean. I'm not punishing him. I just don't want to buy him any gifts. My gift to him is my patience and honoring our wedding vows even though he's stomped on them a hundred times over and has literally taken his wedding band off and thrown it at me in our front yard. My gift is loving him, as I promised to, for better or worse even though the same thing hasn't been given in return for the majority of our marraige. My gift is not treating him with resentment and anger every single time I speak to him because I am able to move past the hellish events he has put me through. In fact, I think I'll buy him a Christmas card and write in it how much I love him abd continue to believe in him and remind him that Christmas isn't about tangible gifts and that the gifts he's from me are priceless.
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 609
Originally Posted by Stung 
If I wanted to punish him I would post on Facebook that living with an alcoholic is hard and publish the audio recording of him getting physical with me or the many text messages that I have of him admitting that he an alcoholic or the texts where he admitted he was lying or when he told me via text that he hates me because I'm so mean. I'm not punishing him. I just don't want to buy him any gifts.
You've called him every name in the book on SR. You've showed him yer recording him and thrown that in his face, whilst he's drunk.....which is quite dangerous to do.
btw - my girlfriend used to claim she had a video where "it is PROVED" how I abused her. She screeched it from a psych ward.
Her Mom explain that was what her daughter did....accused people. . Near 4 year later and she is dead.
So all the recording and crap, means nothing.
but back to the actually meaningful thing - NO XMAS gifts????
Bet the kids are gonna wonder about THAT.
Naughty or nice? Do you really play that game when yer all grown up? UNLESS yer divorcing or separating. Then, sure.
Cheers
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: GA
Posts: 368
I didn't realize Christmas gifts were such a big deal to everyone. My husband and I didn't get each other anything last year, and as far as I know there are no plans to this year either. We'd rather focus on the kids, especially since we're adults and buy things for ourselves all year long. Our kids never asked why, they didn't really notice because they were too excited about their own gifts.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Shame on you for judging me.
1st. No. I've told his best friends (3 men and their wives), one of his brothers and his parents. Not everyone and beyond. My mother is the only one on my side of the social world that knows. Not to mention that none of his professional contacts or college friends knows. I, the good wife, am keeping up appearances and standing by my man. Because that's what good little wives are supposed to do, right?
2nd. Messing with a hormonal new mother of 2 is a dangerous thing to do. I don't fear my husband or any other alcoholic. He's just a flawed person, as am I. I run marathons and am in great shape, if I felt the need to physically defend myself I have no doubts that I could. My only concern is my children and I'm with my husband still to insure that they don't have to be alone with their drunk dad every other weekend. All of my electronic files are in my Dropbox account and the audio file has been emailed to our marriage counselor and I CC'd my husband, shared it with my cop friend and my mom. He knows that I take snapshots and save his damning text messages and that I have made audio files of some of the drunk fights he tries to goad me into. I am not a stupid woman and I am not defenseless. I also have nothing to hide. Marriages don't thrive on secrets and lies. Do unto others as you would have then do to you.
3rd. My children are 2 years old and 4 months old. I assume that you don't have children yourself so you wouldn't know that daddy not getting presents doesn't effect anyone besides daddy at those ages. Please, no parenting advice from someone without children.
Lastly. I'm a direct person. My husband has been told explicitly how I feel. He knows that I'm unhappy, and I like to send a consistent message. One day of the year doesn't make him deserving of gifts. There is no game here. My feelings are valid and if they make him feel bad that's his burden to deal with.
1st. No. I've told his best friends (3 men and their wives), one of his brothers and his parents. Not everyone and beyond. My mother is the only one on my side of the social world that knows. Not to mention that none of his professional contacts or college friends knows. I, the good wife, am keeping up appearances and standing by my man. Because that's what good little wives are supposed to do, right?
2nd. Messing with a hormonal new mother of 2 is a dangerous thing to do. I don't fear my husband or any other alcoholic. He's just a flawed person, as am I. I run marathons and am in great shape, if I felt the need to physically defend myself I have no doubts that I could. My only concern is my children and I'm with my husband still to insure that they don't have to be alone with their drunk dad every other weekend. All of my electronic files are in my Dropbox account and the audio file has been emailed to our marriage counselor and I CC'd my husband, shared it with my cop friend and my mom. He knows that I take snapshots and save his damning text messages and that I have made audio files of some of the drunk fights he tries to goad me into. I am not a stupid woman and I am not defenseless. I also have nothing to hide. Marriages don't thrive on secrets and lies. Do unto others as you would have then do to you.
3rd. My children are 2 years old and 4 months old. I assume that you don't have children yourself so you wouldn't know that daddy not getting presents doesn't effect anyone besides daddy at those ages. Please, no parenting advice from someone without children.
Lastly. I'm a direct person. My husband has been told explicitly how I feel. He knows that I'm unhappy, and I like to send a consistent message. One day of the year doesn't make him deserving of gifts. There is no game here. My feelings are valid and if they make him feel bad that's his burden to deal with.
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 609
so right, you told everyone. Didn't think there was an argument there.
I have a kid. She's actually right over there, on the left, of the screen.
Didn't know that would of made what I said insignificant.
I guess it comes down to the need to announce on here how you won't be buying him anything. So don't. (btw - same type posts on Mother's Day, Valentines Day....yer just a bit EARLY on this one).
It's really easy.
If you wanna linger on my post, do so. I could care less where you focus. Not my problem, not my GF treating me like a POS.
Not my Xmas morning. Thank The Lord. Not due to losing a person cause they left me. They just went to heaven.
Recording, talking to everyone and anyone (according to yer own posts), slamming him left and right here, well.....wow, big surprise that you don't wanna buy him presents. I hope he records you too.
Ya know...to make it a balanced version.
You make a remark on PohFriends thread. That was only reason I even noticed. He's got the right type of action, thought, faith. You seemed to see that before?
Cheers
I have a kid. She's actually right over there, on the left, of the screen.
Didn't know that would of made what I said insignificant.
I guess it comes down to the need to announce on here how you won't be buying him anything. So don't. (btw - same type posts on Mother's Day, Valentines Day....yer just a bit EARLY on this one).
It's really easy.
If you wanna linger on my post, do so. I could care less where you focus. Not my problem, not my GF treating me like a POS.
Not my Xmas morning. Thank The Lord. Not due to losing a person cause they left me. They just went to heaven.
Recording, talking to everyone and anyone (according to yer own posts), slamming him left and right here, well.....wow, big surprise that you don't wanna buy him presents. I hope he records you too.
Ya know...to make it a balanced version.
You make a remark on PohFriends thread. That was only reason I even noticed. He's got the right type of action, thought, faith. You seemed to see that before?
Cheers
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Poway, CA
Posts: 1,636
Originally Posted by Stung
I've decided that I'm not buying anything for AH for Christmas. He's been a jerk of monumental proportions this year. I love Christmas and gift giving but why would I give him a gift?! I love him yes, and I hope he helps himself so that our marriage has a chance. Am I the only grinch?
You comment about just having a children made me cry as you need gentle, loving care right now. Until you believe that and not make excuses for him (been there, done that) he will continue to destroy your everyday life, including Christmas. Many regards, Ipanema
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Ah, I see. You don't like that I have anger or resentment? I wasn't so much announcing but hoping for feedback. And if you read the comments you would have noticed that people commented for both camps.
I'm working through my emotions and working on my own issues, so please do excuse me for not singing AH's praises, but he's been a real ******* when *I* needed the most support. I think it's better to air my frustrations anonymously on a message board than to unleash them on my husband who is working on himself, although certainly not as drastically or quickly as *I* want, but I am accepting if the fact that he isn't ready to deal with the damage that his actions have caused.
If you don't like my attitude or demeanor, I do apologize, I'm certainly not here with the intention of antagonizing anyone. I am only human and am trying my damn best to do what I think is right. There is no handbook, no magazines or guide telling me what I'm supposed to do next. I'm guessing and yes, no tangible gifts for him seems right to me. He's not a child, he's a grown ass man who has been down right awful to his wife and children.
I'm working through my emotions and working on my own issues, so please do excuse me for not singing AH's praises, but he's been a real ******* when *I* needed the most support. I think it's better to air my frustrations anonymously on a message board than to unleash them on my husband who is working on himself, although certainly not as drastically or quickly as *I* want, but I am accepting if the fact that he isn't ready to deal with the damage that his actions have caused.
If you don't like my attitude or demeanor, I do apologize, I'm certainly not here with the intention of antagonizing anyone. I am only human and am trying my damn best to do what I think is right. There is no handbook, no magazines or guide telling me what I'm supposed to do next. I'm guessing and yes, no tangible gifts for him seems right to me. He's not a child, he's a grown ass man who has been down right awful to his wife and children.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
This is a place where we can air our grievances with our A's and generally yell and scream when we can't do it at home (or work, or on the bus, or...). Stung has every right to come here and ask an opinion on something that clearly divides the masses. It's not the first thread on gift-giving to the A (LOVE the fruitcake idea, btw!), just as most of these threads have been repeated in one form or another over the years. It doesn't make a poster's questions or concerns any less valid.
As a mother who grew up in an A home, I always advocate for doing what is best for the children and not maintaining the status quo with the A spouse. If that means something as simple as no gift, then go for it. Gift giving in my home isn't a big deal between my husband and myself. For some couples it IS a big deal. Only Stung knows how that could play out, and should probably advise him if she chooses not to get a gift (which she is perfectly within her rights to do).
There's no need to get irate and belittle someone who asked a simple question and is here looking for SUPPORT. Demeaning a fellow poster here defeats the purpose of why we are here. Tone it down.
As a mother who grew up in an A home, I always advocate for doing what is best for the children and not maintaining the status quo with the A spouse. If that means something as simple as no gift, then go for it. Gift giving in my home isn't a big deal between my husband and myself. For some couples it IS a big deal. Only Stung knows how that could play out, and should probably advise him if she chooses not to get a gift (which she is perfectly within her rights to do).
There's no need to get irate and belittle someone who asked a simple question and is here looking for SUPPORT. Demeaning a fellow poster here defeats the purpose of why we are here. Tone it down.
Life Health Prosperity
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Louisana
Posts: 6,752
Originally Posted by Stung
The consequence of his behavior is that I don't feel compelled to do something special for him. He doesn't care about making me happy and my love and kindness for him isn't unconditional. I feel like I'm standing up for myself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 274
Actually Stung you sound angry but given your experiences with this man, I am not surprised and I personally (please don't hate me people) think this is healthy in the detachment process.
It is your decision re a present. I used to look out for the most romantic card with lovely words from my AH, but have been so very unhappy by his actions this year I am ambivalent. I will end up buying some sort of card.
Your children are still very young and probably wouldn't notice him not getting a present.
I guess a compromise would be a very small present such as a book.
Whatever you decide, and the fact that you are posting, suggest that you do feel some ambivalence, I wish you every happiness. I do hope you have an ok /xmas for your children.
It is your decision re a present. I used to look out for the most romantic card with lovely words from my AH, but have been so very unhappy by his actions this year I am ambivalent. I will end up buying some sort of card.
Your children are still very young and probably wouldn't notice him not getting a present.
I guess a compromise would be a very small present such as a book.
Whatever you decide, and the fact that you are posting, suggest that you do feel some ambivalence, I wish you every happiness. I do hope you have an ok /xmas for your children.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
whatever you choose, be honest with yourself about why you are doing it. if whatever you choose strays from your normal christmas day m.o., i would let him know in advance why you are doing things differently. that way there is no needless drama on christmas day.
you do sound very angry and i will very gently suggest maybe going to an individual counsellor to peel the layers of that onion.
you do sound very angry and i will very gently suggest maybe going to an individual counsellor to peel the layers of that onion.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
