Divorce or Continued Support?

Old 12-13-2013, 04:06 PM
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Divorce or Continued Support?

Hey Folks,

I'm new to this site but already happy it exists. A little background on my situation:

I've been married to my wife now for a little over a year. We are both in our 30s. No kids. We've kept our finances separate so no major items jointly owned. I barely drink. At most, I'll nurse a beer if out with friends. I was raised in a pretty sheltered environment and have never had a close relative or friend who was an addict (as for as I know).

When I started dating my wife, she seemed great. She had a bubbly personality, lots of friends, very sweet, excellent with family, great job, attractive. I knew that she enjoyed drinking and seemed to get anxious when we didn't have alcohol in social situations. But she convinced me that I was just unusually prude. She also got a DUI early on but managed to convince me that it was just bad luck and that it was a wake up call for her to be more responsible. In retrospect, there were plenty of signs that there was a problem.

After getting engaged, we moved in together. To my surprise, things went rapidly downhill. Her hair started falling out and so she was diagnosed with a thyroid issue. I could barely get her to leave the apartment and she was always getting sick (stomach pain, sore throats, colds). Figuring she was sick due to the thyroid issue, I was at her beckon call, always helping and serving her. It never really made sense that this was all from thyroid and I was getting frantic. Two months before the very large wedding, she announced to my shock that she was bulimic. Got her to a therapist who gave her anti depressants. To be honest, there was some relief in finding out she was bulimic because I thought it explained all the mysterious health issues

Since we got married, things just continued to get worse. We moved into a new house which was exciting but she seemed bizarrely disengaged during the process. She would always seem to be coming home from work before me or going into work late. And she was still always tired and sick. She proceeded to lose her job within weeks of the wedding but got a new job a few months later. I ended up losing my job 5 months ago and have been working from home as a consultant since then. My wife then lost her new job 4 months ago.

These past 4 months while we have both been at home have been shocking. She often would sleep by day and wake up at odd hours. She made little effort to get a new job and could barely accomplish even the smallest of tasks. I figured she was depressed and still trying to get the right combination with her prescription medications. I also started finding alcohol bottles hidden in various locations which I confronted her about. She always had some excuse and insisted that there was no problem.

A few months ago, I was out of town and she called me and admitted that she in fact did have a problem with drinking and felt like she need to go to rehab. I went with her to her doctor who felt like an outpatient program would be sufficient. After going through a goliath process to get her health insurance, she attempted to start the outpatient program. After an initial assessment, the program refused to take her in unless she went through a detox program. She proceeded to do a 3-day detox and then called the outpatient program to get started a few days later. Within 24 hours of detox, she got completely drunk out of her mind and couldn’t even get out of bed to go to the screening appointment at the outpatient program.

So eventually with the help of her parents and an alcohol counselor it became clear that she needs to be in a residential rehab. She very much wants to have a child and realized that she can’t do that unless she can get control of her drinking. We found a great inpatient rehab nearby but unfortunately there was a 4 day wait for a bed. My wife went out to buy alcohol every day and was drunk most of the last 4 days before the program. She admitted that in fact she had been drinking privately pretty much every day for the past 7 years (well before I was in the picture).

So now she is in rehab, which is great for her. But I’m waking up to the realization that I barely know the person I’m married to and it will be years before I can imagine trusting her again. I went to an Al-Anon meeting last night and visited a therapist this morning. The therapist told me straight out that he recommends I file for divorce ASAP and cut my losses. He also suggests that I tell her now while she is in a safe place and her therapists and customize a program to her new reality. At this point, I think I want to divorce her as well.

Any thoughts?
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Old 12-13-2013, 04:20 PM
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i think that is a decision only you can make. marriage is a pain. her problems will become your problems.
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Old 12-13-2013, 04:41 PM
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I agree that it's a decision only you can make, but if that's the route you decide to go you're very lucky that you found out now BEFORE you had kids and completely commingled your lives. That's when leaving an alcoholic gets very difficult.
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Old 12-13-2013, 04:49 PM
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It does have to be your choice, but it sounds like you did not get an honest
disclosure before you married, so that seems to be pretty unfair to me.

Helping someone through rehab is a long tough process, and if you don't really
want to be there for it it might be best to separate now while she has support.
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Old 12-13-2013, 06:07 PM
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Hi frustrated-

Wow what a lot to take in about your wife.

It seems that you have a lot that has happened in a very short time. I am imagining that not only would you feel like you don't know your wife, but you probably don't know up from down and right from left.

I am curious about how you are feeling right now about all of this that you have been through?

I often felt when in a similar spot dealing with addiction that I had to make ALL of these huge decision in a five minute period. I really was not capable of making those kind of huge decisions in my life in such a short period of time.

Welcome, glad you are here.
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Old 12-13-2013, 06:58 PM
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Welcome, frustrated. I can't imagine all that must be going through your mind. Normally I would say, "Wait! No major decisions just yet!" but honestly, you don't know the sober version of the woman you married. You really don't know *anything* about her at all. The relationship you have was built on a mountain of lies. I tend to lean towards the therapist's advice of cut-and-run. You don't have children or any major mutual assets, so you shouldn't have too much trouble with the divorce. It's still not an easy decision, though. You went into a marriage with certain thoughts and expectations, and now you have to consider all of that with what you know and come up with a plan from there.
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Old 12-13-2013, 09:09 PM
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WOW! Thank you all for the quick responses.

@LifeRecovery - I feel EXACTLY as you described: that I feel like I don't know my wife at all and up from down.

I'm currently totally on board with my therapists advice. This was a mega problem to secretly bring into a marriage and feel that I was manipulated into marrying under false pretenses.

But my main feeling is that the whole situation is just tragic for everyone involved. It's no exaggeration that this is a family disease with aftershocks everywhere.
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Old 12-14-2013, 03:45 AM
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I feel your pain. I've been with my wife since we were teens. 21 years now, 4 kids....and I'm divorcing her in the new year. As with you, she isn't a person I know. She has hurt me beyond imagine. Cheated on me. I don't know who she is.

I suppose my point to you is. It's so outside your control. I have 21 years and 4 kids to convince my wife to try....and she won't.

If I only had a year, no kids.....I'd have run long ago.
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Old 12-14-2013, 07:56 AM
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Quick update (and discussion point): Wife keeps calling me from rehab and seems great. So peppy & happy now that's she is sobered up like nothing is wrong. If/when I tell her I'm divorcing her, I think she will be completely shocked. Harder in a way for me now that she's sober and enjoyable to be around.
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Old 12-14-2013, 08:06 AM
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I went to inpatient for a month this summer. I befriended a woman there who was there for different reasons than addiction and her husband served her divorce papers while she was there. It was difficult on her, and in all honesty I don't know how much of the whole situation I really knew, but I was glad she had the support of the staff and other patients. At least she was in a safe place to absorb it. There were children involved and they had been married for over 15 years though so very different.

I would highly suggest talking to her therapist at the rehab. My experience was that I had a primary therapist who ran the small group I was in 5 days a week.

I guess the question is how much did your wife actually realize she was hiding? I am not at all minimizing the impact it has had on you, but denial is a pretty powerful thing, and sometimes the ugliness of the truth isn't even apparent to us. I can tell you that early sobriety is a boatload of work and pretty intense. I have been married almost 18 years, and I don't know if I would have the wherewithal to sustain a new relationship and stay sober. I don't mean to confuse the issue, but being on her own is not necessarily the worst thing in the near future. Either way, you aren't going to get her blessing on this, so you have to be sure that you are making this decision about what you feel is right and right for you.
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Old 12-14-2013, 08:39 AM
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Hi Jayne04,

Thank you for your comments. You made a great point about the power of denial. I do think my wife was in denial up until right after we got married. As I've been thinking about it, I'm not angry at her. She has a disease and a monkey on her back that I wouldn't wish on anyone. But in the course of her overall denial about the severity of what was going on, there were 1000s of little lies that add up.

I did call her therapist at the recovery center and told her my intentions. They said she's going through detox and still has a lot of denial and asked me to wait at least a week before telling her about wanting a divorce. But the therapist said she definitely thinks I should tell her while she is in rehab so they can support her as she absorbs the blow.
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Old 12-14-2013, 08:52 AM
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You are fortunate to have found this board. I was where you are EXACTLY, and I stayed on the merry go round for another 12 years and got divorced anyway in a train wreck of lies, infidelity, and alcoholic chaos. Read as many threads as you can.

For me, I bounced like a ping pong ball with I forgive her (it's a disease) back to oh my God this woman is a lying entitled princess manipulator! XAW went to every form of rehab and has 100% perfect track record of relapse.

What always drew me back, was how incredibly freaking kind and nice she was when sober! Almost like an angel. She could be so awesome and I wouldn't want any other woman. So what I have learned unfortunately, is that I can't trust it to stay that way. It will go from heaven to hell, over and over, that is my personal experience.

If you stay strong and get divorced including telling while she is in rehab, I will be impressed and certainly would commend you on your emotional strength and power of your convictions. God bless and all the best to you!
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Old 12-14-2013, 09:06 AM
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When we know better we do better. Now you have facts instead of allot of unexplained and questionable issues.

Your marriage began on a foundation of secrets, a crumbling structor. Only you can decide if you want to wait around and patch up that foundation with the mortar of her sobriety and hope it holds. Or release the both of you to re-build your lives.

Keep in mind that right now today she is in the comfort and surrounded by a safe environment with professionals, of course she is feeling great. Her hard work really won't begin until she is released and left on her own to work her own recovery.
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Old 12-14-2013, 09:17 AM
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hi

i tend to be of the mindset that since your marriage/relationship was founded on some deceit, the whole for better or worse thing is kind of invalid.

one important thought that folks forget is that just because you divorce/spilt up now doesn't mean that in the future (if she is better and you two are interested again) you can't reconcile. giving her the freedom to take responsibility for herself is actually very loving.
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Old 12-14-2013, 01:00 PM
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I am you, only 18 years and four kids later. It's a headache and a heartache of epic proportions.

Take your therapist's advice and walk away.
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Old 12-14-2013, 02:44 PM
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Frustratedhubby-

Part of what was hard on me trying to make these decisions was what was best for the other person and what was best for me often got clouded, confused and mixed up and mingled.

You might have heard in your Al-Anon meeting. I did not cause it, I cannot control it and I cannot cure it. This is so true for any kind of addictive process.

How are you feeling about the idea of divorce for you Frustrated? I had a lot of grief going through mine (though I knew it was the right thing). I was not angry right at first, but I did get angry (and all the other emotions). If your wife does get really upset are you ready to take care of yourself through that all? How?

Whatever decision you make will be the right one, for me the decision was the easy part, sitting with all the emotions that came up from the decision was not so easy. How are you feeling about that part of things?
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Old 12-14-2013, 04:00 PM
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I tend to agree with the therapist. You married a stranger, your relationship is based on lies, cut your losses while you have little time invested, your assets are not that tied up together yet and you have no kids.
Statistically, only 5 to 10 percent of alcoholics make it to long term sobriety and furthermore she is still in denial. There is a very good chance that she will relapse. Even if she stays sober, you don't know that person. Life is short, spare yourself years of misery and find yourself a partner who is loving and honest so you can build a relationship on strong foundations.
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Old 12-14-2013, 05:04 PM
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Welcome, FrustratedHubby.

Sounds like you've made the decision about your marriage, so I want to emphasize what LifeRecovery said. I would encourage you to continue going to AlAnon and seeing the therapist. There are a lot of feelings that come out of living with an active alcoholic, and often you don't realize you have them until the alcohol/alcoholic is removed. So, I think you may still have a lot to work through and encourage you to continue seeking support and taking care of yourself. Please keep reading & posting.

Last edited by CarryOn; 12-14-2013 at 05:05 PM. Reason: grammar
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Old 12-14-2013, 05:34 PM
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Along with my therapist visit, I also went to an Al-Anon meeting last night. It was a small group of very nice older folks with various stories of tragedy. The group was clearly unbelievably therapeutic for them. But the main thing I learned was that Al-Anon is not a fraternity I want to join permanently if I can avoid it.

At this point, I'm not angry at my wife. She has a disease that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I've been looking at my decision to divorce her based off of my subjective view of morality along with my more mercenary opinion of what is best for me. For a while now, what's been best for me has been to leave her. But morally I wouldn't do that because she convinced me she was dealing with other illnesses.

But now, even though she might have been in denial about the overall severity of her situation, I know that she consciously lied and manipulated me about her alcohol addiction every day up until she crossed over that marriage line. Morally, that's not acceptable for me.

In the meanwhile, I absolutely plan on continuing to attend therapy and Al-Anon. I can imagine that the process of divorcing an alcoholic isn't much better than being married to one.
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Old 12-14-2013, 10:47 PM
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Frustrated hubby: my wife is also an alcoholic and we're twelve years married and 4 kids, and she's still in denial.

My advice: cut and run.

I know you don't want to feel like a jerk about this, but there isn't a good time or way to issue the papers so don't put too much effort into thinking about that.

Like the Nike ad says: just do it.

As for alcoholism being a disease: i think its more like a half and half. Both my parents died of diseases(cancer, and hep c) and I'm willing to bet that if staying alive meant all they had to do was just stop going to the bar and to stop buying their disease in the form of a six pack, mini, shot glass, whatever, they would have.
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