Divorce or Continued Support?
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Thank you all for your frank advice. I am clear now that I want a divorce and plan to tell her in-person within the next few days while she is in rehab. Her therapist will be there as well.
Any advice on how to tell her? And then any advice on how to handle the immediate aftermath - the next few weeks while she in rehab?
Also, I don't want her to live with me after rehab, especially going through a divorce. Any advice on this front?
Finally, I'm very close with her family. I know that this is very painful for them and they will try to guilt me with breaking the 'for better or worse' vow. Would love advice on this front as well.
Any advice on how to tell her? And then any advice on how to handle the immediate aftermath - the next few weeks while she in rehab?
Also, I don't want her to live with me after rehab, especially going through a divorce. Any advice on this front?
Finally, I'm very close with her family. I know that this is very painful for them and they will try to guilt me with breaking the 'for better or worse' vow. Would love advice on this front as well.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: East Coast
Posts: 427
it's a progressive disease. I like you have no children and no mutual property, and am so thankful because it makes the divorce process much easier all around. Be prepared though, even though you get a divorce they still try to contact you and rope you back in. I agree fully with the therapist, I wish I had done this after the first relapse. Instead I wasted almost a decade of my life with a liar and user.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
If you are close with her family I would just tell them the truth.
(That she hid her alcohol problem from you and that you are not willing to live
with the consequences of a major lie)
I assume the house is in both your names.
So your choices are to list it, keep it just in your name and she moves in with her parents,
but maybe talk about that with the therapist. I'm assuming since she is not working and
in recovery her keeping alone is not an option. Don't leave your name on the title if it is.
If it were me, I would go ahead an sell so there is no arguement about who gets it.
If you are making the payments until it sells, however, you should be able to stay there
unless you can afford to move. Seperating assets as quickly and simply as possible
would be best even if it costs you something to get things settled.
Less stress for both of you.
As far as telling her you want a divorce, same advice as for parents.
Be honest, kind and compassionate, but firm
in that you are not "leaving the door open" if she recovers but moving on for good.
I know it is hard to do something like this, but the fact is you didn't have the facts
so I really think this makes it more straightforward. overit's point about them trying
to rope you in is valid. I would consider a No Contact plan and if possible, move her
stuff out before she gets out.
I know I sound really cold-blooded, but I don't mean to be.
This is one of those cases where it most likely isn't really going to help
to take the band-aid off slowly.
(That she hid her alcohol problem from you and that you are not willing to live
with the consequences of a major lie)
I assume the house is in both your names.
So your choices are to list it, keep it just in your name and she moves in with her parents,
but maybe talk about that with the therapist. I'm assuming since she is not working and
in recovery her keeping alone is not an option. Don't leave your name on the title if it is.
If it were me, I would go ahead an sell so there is no arguement about who gets it.
If you are making the payments until it sells, however, you should be able to stay there
unless you can afford to move. Seperating assets as quickly and simply as possible
would be best even if it costs you something to get things settled.
Less stress for both of you.
As far as telling her you want a divorce, same advice as for parents.
Be honest, kind and compassionate, but firm
in that you are not "leaving the door open" if she recovers but moving on for good.
I know it is hard to do something like this, but the fact is you didn't have the facts
so I really think this makes it more straightforward. overit's point about them trying
to rope you in is valid. I would consider a No Contact plan and if possible, move her
stuff out before she gets out.
I know I sound really cold-blooded, but I don't mean to be.
This is one of those cases where it most likely isn't really going to help
to take the band-aid off slowly.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 14
Thanks for the advice. To be clear, I owned the house before we got married so there is no joint lease or joint ownership of our residence.
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 
If you are close with her family I would just tell them the truth.
(That she hid her alcohol problem from you and that you are not willing to live
with the consequences of a major lie)
If you are both on the lease, you may see what she wants to do if that is to keep
the apartment and you move, or she moves in with her parents, but maybe talk about
that with the therapist.
I would not leave my name on a lease with a recovering alcoholic, however, and
if there is no source of income, she may be happy to move back home with family
for the moment.
As far as telling her, same advice. Be honest, kind and compassionate, but firm
in that you are not "leaving the door open" if she recovers but moving on for good.
I know it is hard to do something like this, but the fact is you didn't have the facts
so I really think this makes it more straightforward. overit's point about them trying
to rope you in is valid. I would consider a No Contact plan and if possible, move her
stuff out before she gets out.
I know I sound really cold-blooded, but I don't mean to be.
This is one of those cases where it most likely isn't really going to help
to take the band-aid off slowly.
(That she hid her alcohol problem from you and that you are not willing to live
with the consequences of a major lie)
If you are both on the lease, you may see what she wants to do if that is to keep
the apartment and you move, or she moves in with her parents, but maybe talk about
that with the therapist.
I would not leave my name on a lease with a recovering alcoholic, however, and
if there is no source of income, she may be happy to move back home with family
for the moment.
As far as telling her, same advice. Be honest, kind and compassionate, but firm
in that you are not "leaving the door open" if she recovers but moving on for good.
I know it is hard to do something like this, but the fact is you didn't have the facts
so I really think this makes it more straightforward. overit's point about them trying
to rope you in is valid. I would consider a No Contact plan and if possible, move her
stuff out before she gets out.
I know I sound really cold-blooded, but I don't mean to be.
This is one of those cases where it most likely isn't really going to help
to take the band-aid off slowly.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 14
Another question: at this point, she's constantly sending me messages like 'love you, miss you!' etc.
How do I respond to that? I don't want to lead her on that I feel the same way. On the other hand, I don't want to get confrontational until I see her in person in a few days to break the news.
How do I respond to that? I don't want to lead her on that I feel the same way. On the other hand, I don't want to get confrontational until I see her in person in a few days to break the news.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: East Coast
Posts: 427
My AXH did the same thing, even apologized for acting like a jerk etc. She's in a safe place right now, I was even told by a counselor at my AXH's rehab not to talk to him for a week or more. He did not like that at all, but I had to do what was best for me.
Do what I did and adopt a dog if you don't have one already...it's helped me a great deal during this divorce process!
It's not an easy process, and really her family should not guilt you for leaving (as you full well probably know). Cut ties with them as well if you have to. They can be her support when she gets done with rehab. You are going to have to digest all of your feelings as well because they do go a little back and forth later on. At least for me they did. I had a few very upset episodes, didn't make me want to be with him or anything, but all of the anger over finding out some of the things he did and didn't have the guts to tell me was pretty painful. Good for making up your mind now. I wish I had years ago.
Do what I did and adopt a dog if you don't have one already...it's helped me a great deal during this divorce process!
It's not an easy process, and really her family should not guilt you for leaving (as you full well probably know). Cut ties with them as well if you have to. They can be her support when she gets done with rehab. You are going to have to digest all of your feelings as well because they do go a little back and forth later on. At least for me they did. I had a few very upset episodes, didn't make me want to be with him or anything, but all of the anger over finding out some of the things he did and didn't have the guts to tell me was pretty painful. Good for making up your mind now. I wish I had years ago.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Originally Posted by frustratedhubby
Along with my therapist visit, I also went to an Al-Anon meeting last night. It was a small group of very nice older folks with various stories of tragedy. The group was clearly unbelievably therapeutic for them. But the main thing I learned was that Al-Anon is not a fraternity I want to join permanently if I can avoid it.
At this point, I'm not angry at my wife. She has a disease that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I've been looking at my decision to divorce her based off of my subjective view of morality along with my more mercenary opinion of what is best for me. For a while now, what's been best for me has been to leave her. But morally I wouldn't do that because she convinced me she was dealing with other illnesses.
But now, even though she might have been in denial about the overall severity of her situation, I know that she consciously lied and manipulated me about her alcohol addiction every day up until she crossed over that marriage line. Morally, that's not acceptable for me.
In the meanwhile, I absolutely plan on continuing to attend therapy and Al-Anon. I can imagine that the process of divorcing an alcoholic isn't much better than being married to one.
At this point, I'm not angry at my wife. She has a disease that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I've been looking at my decision to divorce her based off of my subjective view of morality along with my more mercenary opinion of what is best for me. For a while now, what's been best for me has been to leave her. But morally I wouldn't do that because she convinced me she was dealing with other illnesses.
But now, even though she might have been in denial about the overall severity of her situation, I know that she consciously lied and manipulated me about her alcohol addiction every day up until she crossed over that marriage line. Morally, that's not acceptable for me.
In the meanwhile, I absolutely plan on continuing to attend therapy and Al-Anon. I can imagine that the process of divorcing an alcoholic isn't much better than being married to one.
Reading your situation I just wanted to put my two cents in. I am in my late 30's been with my husband over 10 years our finances are separate and no children. I learned a few months ago my husband was an addict (drugs and alcohol) the day I was planning on divorcing him I was layed off from my job. He is what is called a functioning alcoholic. He says he has no intention of stopping and he likes doing it. From the time he wakes up till he goes to bed.
His feelings have changed for me he said i have gotten better as a person and he knows he has gotten worse. He said he hates me now and can't stand to be around me. I am desperately looking to find a new job so I can financially leave but emotionally I am a wreck, from the time I wake up till the time I go to bed I cry. I walk on egg shells and watch everything I say bc financially if he leaves I am screwed. When he is home I count down the hours until he leaves to go to work or go anywhere. I am literally like a cat in water with the claws and all. I learned now of infidelity among other things that are really like a movie. I was not raised in a drug or alcohol environment and was completely blind until a few months ago when everything came to light. I guess what I am saying is 1 year is nothing compared to 10 years.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Shakespeare wrote "True compassion is ruthless".
To me, that has come to mean it is better to be honest at the beginning than to say a little, dissemble a little, reveal a little more, and so on. She is in a protective cocoon right now, with a great deal of emotional and structural support. Your decision to tell her about divorcing her now gives her a chance to assimilate it while she has ample resources to deal with it.
Part of being compassionate even as you leave her may be in working out a financial plan that gives her enough money and health care coverage to allow her to focus on her recovery for a bit. When you make it clear that the marriage is over and you will not be living together again or being in contact, this would give her a minimal level of financial stability to begin to rebuild her life.
I would also imagine that going no contact may be best. It would remove the tendency for her to want to engage you and plead and blame rather than focus on her sobriety. I have had feelings of guilt and remorse at times for leaving my abusive alcoholic now ex husband, and I have had to work hard to understand that I am free - and actually required - to live my own life, not his, in order to become emotionally healthy. Melody Beattie's book Codependent No More has ben a great resource for many of us, and may give you a head's up on some of the feelings you may have as this plays out.
ShootingStar1
To me, that has come to mean it is better to be honest at the beginning than to say a little, dissemble a little, reveal a little more, and so on. She is in a protective cocoon right now, with a great deal of emotional and structural support. Your decision to tell her about divorcing her now gives her a chance to assimilate it while she has ample resources to deal with it.
Part of being compassionate even as you leave her may be in working out a financial plan that gives her enough money and health care coverage to allow her to focus on her recovery for a bit. When you make it clear that the marriage is over and you will not be living together again or being in contact, this would give her a minimal level of financial stability to begin to rebuild her life.
I would also imagine that going no contact may be best. It would remove the tendency for her to want to engage you and plead and blame rather than focus on her sobriety. I have had feelings of guilt and remorse at times for leaving my abusive alcoholic now ex husband, and I have had to work hard to understand that I am free - and actually required - to live my own life, not his, in order to become emotionally healthy. Melody Beattie's book Codependent No More has ben a great resource for many of us, and may give you a head's up on some of the feelings you may have as this plays out.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Originally Posted by ShootingStar1
Shakespeare wrote "True compassion is ruthless".
To me, that has come to mean it is better to be honest at the beginning than to say a little, dissemble a little, reveal a little more, and so on. She is in a protective cocoon right now, with a great deal of emotional and structural support. Your decision to tell her about divorcing her now gives her a chance to assimilate it while she has ample resources to deal with it.
Part of being compassionate even as you leave her may be in working out a financial plan that gives her enough money and health care coverage to allow her to focus on her recovery for a bit. When you make it clear that the marriage is over and you will not be living together again or being in contact, this would give her a minimal level of financial stability to begin to rebuild her life.
I would also imagine that going no contact may be best. It would remove the tendency for her to want to engage you and plead and blame rather than focus on her sobriety. I have had feelings of guilt and remorse at times for leaving my abusive alcoholic now ex husband, and I have had to work hard to understand that I am free - and actually required - to live my own life, not his, in order to become emotionally healthy. Melody Beattie's book Codependent No More has ben a great resource for many of us, and may give you a head's up on some of the feelings you may have as this plays out.
ShootingStar1
To me, that has come to mean it is better to be honest at the beginning than to say a little, dissemble a little, reveal a little more, and so on. She is in a protective cocoon right now, with a great deal of emotional and structural support. Your decision to tell her about divorcing her now gives her a chance to assimilate it while she has ample resources to deal with it.
Part of being compassionate even as you leave her may be in working out a financial plan that gives her enough money and health care coverage to allow her to focus on her recovery for a bit. When you make it clear that the marriage is over and you will not be living together again or being in contact, this would give her a minimal level of financial stability to begin to rebuild her life.
I would also imagine that going no contact may be best. It would remove the tendency for her to want to engage you and plead and blame rather than focus on her sobriety. I have had feelings of guilt and remorse at times for leaving my abusive alcoholic now ex husband, and I have had to work hard to understand that I am free - and actually required - to live my own life, not his, in order to become emotionally healthy. Melody Beattie's book Codependent No More has ben a great resource for many of us, and may give you a head's up on some of the feelings you may have as this plays out.
ShootingStar1
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 14
Hey Folks:
Here's the latest. I've visited my wife in rehab a few times now to reiterate that we are in fact getting divorced. I've also met with an attorney who is in the process of filing the paperwork.
In the meanwhile, she leaves rehab tomorrow. She initially said that she wanted to come back home until Feb 1 and move into sober living then. But now she is planning on moving into a sober living house this Sunday which is great. She also said that she would sleep at her parents house this weekend instead of sleeping at home.
However, I'm freaking out a bit about how the next few days will go. She wants to come over tomorrow evening after her release to 'talk about things'. She's also invited her friends to come over tomorrow night. I really don't think it's healthy for us to be alone at the house together at this point. Also, I think it's not healthy that she's inviting friends over when she's supposed to be sleeping at her parents house. She's proven that she has the ability to relapse and has a very volatile temper. I also think she might try to convince me not to divorce her since she refers to her rehab stint as just a 'bump in the road'.
I'd like to keep things civil because we still have some important business to handle. I need her to sign our tax forms, we need to split up our stuff and we need to come to a divorce settlement.
Any thoughts about how to handle this weekend (and beyond)?
Here's the latest. I've visited my wife in rehab a few times now to reiterate that we are in fact getting divorced. I've also met with an attorney who is in the process of filing the paperwork.
In the meanwhile, she leaves rehab tomorrow. She initially said that she wanted to come back home until Feb 1 and move into sober living then. But now she is planning on moving into a sober living house this Sunday which is great. She also said that she would sleep at her parents house this weekend instead of sleeping at home.
However, I'm freaking out a bit about how the next few days will go. She wants to come over tomorrow evening after her release to 'talk about things'. She's also invited her friends to come over tomorrow night. I really don't think it's healthy for us to be alone at the house together at this point. Also, I think it's not healthy that she's inviting friends over when she's supposed to be sleeping at her parents house. She's proven that she has the ability to relapse and has a very volatile temper. I also think she might try to convince me not to divorce her since she refers to her rehab stint as just a 'bump in the road'.
I'd like to keep things civil because we still have some important business to handle. I need her to sign our tax forms, we need to split up our stuff and we need to come to a divorce settlement.
Any thoughts about how to handle this weekend (and beyond)?
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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can you pack up things she needs in the short term and take them to her parents' house? but be cordial about it. can her parents help with this?
i would change the locks in the near future. otherwise she has total access to your house.
i would change the locks in the near future. otherwise she has total access to your house.
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Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I'd put a halt on the party at the house.
It's understandable she wants to talk. A coffee house is a great place to do that. So is over the phone.
So is email and text.
I would make an effort to speak with her before she goes into sober living but not tonight after she gets out. Tomorrow morning or afternoon.
You should be free and clear as far as the property since you owned it before you got married. However, it is her legal residence. She can legally be there, stay there, and invite whomever she pleases. I am sure your attorney has made you aware of that.
I would discourage her from coming over as much as possible without being overt about it. I would also keep the lines of communication very open - though you may not want to talk to her much if you cut her off she may be tempted to take things into her own hands and move back in.
I would offer her support in the way of encouragement to get sober. If she asks you to halt the divorce I would simply and kindly say no and NOT discuss why. Just opens a can of worms. At this point it doesn't matter that she hid her alcoholism - you have decided to move on and she is sober and working a recovery. Its really all that matters. Sounds like you have not filed yet but are in process - never know what you are going to deal with once papers are served. She might be in denial.
It's understandable she wants to talk. A coffee house is a great place to do that. So is over the phone.
So is email and text.
I would make an effort to speak with her before she goes into sober living but not tonight after she gets out. Tomorrow morning or afternoon.
You should be free and clear as far as the property since you owned it before you got married. However, it is her legal residence. She can legally be there, stay there, and invite whomever she pleases. I am sure your attorney has made you aware of that.
I would discourage her from coming over as much as possible without being overt about it. I would also keep the lines of communication very open - though you may not want to talk to her much if you cut her off she may be tempted to take things into her own hands and move back in.
I would offer her support in the way of encouragement to get sober. If she asks you to halt the divorce I would simply and kindly say no and NOT discuss why. Just opens a can of worms. At this point it doesn't matter that she hid her alcoholism - you have decided to move on and she is sober and working a recovery. Its really all that matters. Sounds like you have not filed yet but are in process - never know what you are going to deal with once papers are served. She might be in denial.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
If you can't keep her out legally, I suggest you invite a close friend or two over as well to be your wing man during her friends' visit, and be absolutely clear to both her and her friends that no alcohol will be served or consumed in your home.
However, I agree with red that a party is a very poor plan in any way, shape, or form.
keep it civil but be very careful about getting cornered.
I'm glad things are moving forward for you. Please update and post if you need any support
However, I agree with red that a party is a very poor plan in any way, shape, or form.
keep it civil but be very careful about getting cornered.
I'm glad things are moving forward for you. Please update and post if you need any support
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Originally Posted by frustratedhubby
Along with my therapist visit, I also went to an Al-Anon meeting last night. It was a small group of very nice older folks with various stories of tragedy. The group was clearly unbelievably therapeutic for them. But the main thing I learned was that Al-Anon is not a fraternity I want to join permanently if I can avoid it.
When she went into rehab and recovery, one of the soul-searching questions I had to ask myself was "Why didn't I leave?" What was it about me that kept me in that incredibly dysfunctional life for all those years? What was my part in it?
In Al-Anon I found a place where I could explore those issues in a safe environment with people who understand what it's like to live with an active alcoholic.
You're making a choice to leave your wife, and based the story you've shared, that seems to be a sensible decision. But you really got sucked into a codependent relationship with a full-blown alcoholic pretty quickly and I really believe that there is work to be done to figure out what it is about you that got you into that relationship.
Maybe you do that in therapy, maybe you do that in Al-Anon. But it would be a tragedy to go out and make the same mistakes all over again with your next relationship.
Life is better now for me. But I honestly believe that its not because my wife isn't drinking...it's because I'm better.
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Originally Posted by MissFixit
can you pack up things she needs in the short term and take them to her parents' house? but be cordial about it. can her parents help with this?
i would change the locks in the near future. otherwise she has total access to your house.
i would change the locks in the near future. otherwise she has total access to your house.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 14
You are correct about my dilemma with the house. Yes, I own it. But it is currently her legal residence until I get a court order that says otherwise.
I've been trying to discourage her spending time at the house and inviting friends etc. I also suggested to her that we meet for dinner at a public place to talk. But at this point, she's totally ignoring me. I talked with her parents last night who also seem resigned to the fact that she is going to do whatever she wants to do.
I've been trying to discourage her spending time at the house and inviting friends etc. I also suggested to her that we meet for dinner at a public place to talk. But at this point, she's totally ignoring me. I talked with her parents last night who also seem resigned to the fact that she is going to do whatever she wants to do.
Originally Posted by redatlanta
I'd put a halt on the party at the house.
It's understandable she wants to talk. A coffee house is a great place to do that. So is over the phone.
So is email and text.
I would make an effort to speak with her before she goes into sober living but not tonight after she gets out. Tomorrow morning or afternoon.
You should be free and clear as far as the property since you owned it before you got married. However, it is her legal residence. She can legally be there, stay there, and invite whomever she pleases. I am sure your attorney has made you aware of that.
I would discourage her from coming over as much as possible without being overt about it. I would also keep the lines of communication very open - though you may not want to talk to her much if you cut her off she may be tempted to take things into her own hands and move back in.
I would offer her support in the way of encouragement to get sober. If she asks you to halt the divorce I would simply and kindly say no and NOT discuss why. Just opens a can of worms. At this point it doesn't matter that she hid her alcoholism - you have decided to move on and she is sober and working a recovery. Its really all that matters. Sounds like you have not filed yet but are in process - never know what you are going to deal with once papers are served. She might be in denial.
It's understandable she wants to talk. A coffee house is a great place to do that. So is over the phone.
So is email and text.
I would make an effort to speak with her before she goes into sober living but not tonight after she gets out. Tomorrow morning or afternoon.
You should be free and clear as far as the property since you owned it before you got married. However, it is her legal residence. She can legally be there, stay there, and invite whomever she pleases. I am sure your attorney has made you aware of that.
I would discourage her from coming over as much as possible without being overt about it. I would also keep the lines of communication very open - though you may not want to talk to her much if you cut her off she may be tempted to take things into her own hands and move back in.
I would offer her support in the way of encouragement to get sober. If she asks you to halt the divorce I would simply and kindly say no and NOT discuss why. Just opens a can of worms. At this point it doesn't matter that she hid her alcoholism - you have decided to move on and she is sober and working a recovery. Its really all that matters. Sounds like you have not filed yet but are in process - never know what you are going to deal with once papers are served. She might be in denial.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
My guess is she is planning to try to draw you back in the madness.
She will most likely find a reason she needs to stay over "just this one night" or something.
I would get my friends and not be alone with her.
If she wants to talk without them around, you both can go to the kitchen with them in the living room.
I could be totally wrong, forgive me if so, but I think I know this modus from my own drinking days: Get the prey (in this case you--no offense) to allow your approach despite their fear / reservations from your past actions in a secure, private location. Be sweet and reasonable and turn on the charm. Failing that, use the pity / self-abasement cards. [Poor me, I have a problem. I don't know how I could have treated you so badly. I was so wrong . . etc. etc.]
If I'm out of line or incorrect, that's great. But if you see these things happening watch out. To avoid this, do not allow her to be totally alone with you or to try to use emotion to get you to cross your own boundry.
I think I would insist on a meeting with a counselor present if she wants to rehash any of the "why it happened" issues. The point isn't why it happened anymore, but what you want and need to do NOW to move forward. She won't want that as the focus but keep it there.
My spidey-sense is tickling a bit from this--look after yourself here.
She will most likely find a reason she needs to stay over "just this one night" or something.
I would get my friends and not be alone with her.
If she wants to talk without them around, you both can go to the kitchen with them in the living room.
I could be totally wrong, forgive me if so, but I think I know this modus from my own drinking days: Get the prey (in this case you--no offense) to allow your approach despite their fear / reservations from your past actions in a secure, private location. Be sweet and reasonable and turn on the charm. Failing that, use the pity / self-abasement cards. [Poor me, I have a problem. I don't know how I could have treated you so badly. I was so wrong . . etc. etc.]
If I'm out of line or incorrect, that's great. But if you see these things happening watch out. To avoid this, do not allow her to be totally alone with you or to try to use emotion to get you to cross your own boundry.
I think I would insist on a meeting with a counselor present if she wants to rehash any of the "why it happened" issues. The point isn't why it happened anymore, but what you want and need to do NOW to move forward. She won't want that as the focus but keep it there.
My spidey-sense is tickling a bit from this--look after yourself here.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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I completely agree that she is going to try to manipulate me to come back to her. For now, I've packed up my vital stuff and am leaving the house. I'll meet her in a public place if she's willing. But until she's officially moved into sober living, I don't want to be alone with her in the house.
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