Would thank you for some light or prayers
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 216
Would thank you for some light or prayers
Our holiday has begun. My AH always goes early by a few days to uncover the vacation home, shake out the dust, hire the car, stock the kitchen while I wrap up things here at home.
I will say since my first post just a month or so ago, I have no proof nor reason to believe that he's been in the drink at all.
Well, to be honest, maybe his last day here, which was a few days ago, but I was going through my own mini-crisis and really did not need to stop dealing with ME to see if he'd drank. Nothing I could do to stop him if he already had.
But now, two days alone with the holiday gang usually means, spiked nog, mulled wine and chilled beer. I won't know what I am walking into until Sunday.
Is he working a program? I don't know. I have not asked. There has been a lot of the time out of the house before he left, but most seemed Christmas/winter shopping related and he did not come home with red eyes or a bad/attitude. There is a small chance he went to another meeting, he has done it before, does not like it but has done it.
Has he been tense or depressed or insane? No.
But I know that can change in an instant. , so I need strength, just incase I walk into a man that I do not like. It will be too sad and too close to the end of the line.
the agreed on deadline to get his **** together is the end of January.
It's two part. Pull your weight financially, not just PART of your weight, ALL of it. And stop drinking using AA or another program more agreeable to him.
Both of those things may actually happening ahead of schedule, I think, I hope. I pray. I would not mind at all if you joined me. Thank you
I will say since my first post just a month or so ago, I have no proof nor reason to believe that he's been in the drink at all.
Well, to be honest, maybe his last day here, which was a few days ago, but I was going through my own mini-crisis and really did not need to stop dealing with ME to see if he'd drank. Nothing I could do to stop him if he already had.
But now, two days alone with the holiday gang usually means, spiked nog, mulled wine and chilled beer. I won't know what I am walking into until Sunday.
Is he working a program? I don't know. I have not asked. There has been a lot of the time out of the house before he left, but most seemed Christmas/winter shopping related and he did not come home with red eyes or a bad/attitude. There is a small chance he went to another meeting, he has done it before, does not like it but has done it.
Has he been tense or depressed or insane? No.
But I know that can change in an instant. , so I need strength, just incase I walk into a man that I do not like. It will be too sad and too close to the end of the line.
the agreed on deadline to get his **** together is the end of January.
It's two part. Pull your weight financially, not just PART of your weight, ALL of it. And stop drinking using AA or another program more agreeable to him.
Both of those things may actually happening ahead of schedule, I think, I hope. I pray. I would not mind at all if you joined me. Thank you
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 380
I pray, for your sake, that all works out the way you wish. It sounds like you have not yet given up all hope for the rescue of your marriage. I admire that. It was/is too late for mine. I truly pray that your H realizes what he is at risk of loosing and finds his way to a program that will work for him (and you).
What I have found is that just because the alcohol goes away and everyone is working their program, that there is sometimes deeper issues along with the hurt and betrayal that are just as (or because of) damaging to the relationship.
I hope you have a wonderful Christmas. You deserve it.
What I have found is that just because the alcohol goes away and everyone is working their program, that there is sometimes deeper issues along with the hurt and betrayal that are just as (or because of) damaging to the relationship.
I hope you have a wonderful Christmas. You deserve it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 216
I have not given up hope, but there have been two beers today. Deep heavy and codependent sigh.
. I have not mentioned it, what good will that do?
He has, and I don't know what he wants, a pat on the head or a "good boy"?
Just bring up front?
Hoping it won't escalate this time?
Any suggestions on how to act or what to say?
I am not making this a big deal. I am reading MY books but want to jump ahead for the "how do I act when he's ACTING normal with a beer?" Chapter of any book.
The last month has been simple as there has been no cocktails at home, and I have been able to focus on my "stuff" but on the vacation, well it was bound to come up and I am still a bit unprepared.
. I have not mentioned it, what good will that do?
He has, and I don't know what he wants, a pat on the head or a "good boy"?
Just bring up front?
Hoping it won't escalate this time?
Any suggestions on how to act or what to say?
I am not making this a big deal. I am reading MY books but want to jump ahead for the "how do I act when he's ACTING normal with a beer?" Chapter of any book.
The last month has been simple as there has been no cocktails at home, and I have been able to focus on my "stuff" but on the vacation, well it was bound to come up and I am still a bit unprepared.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 216
Anyone? The beer is escalating. I have not said a word. It's funny as I know he's expecting a confrontation and I am not giving him one.
It was Almost an out of body experience to watch him try to pick a fight (not his nature) and I would not take the bait. It was not alcohol related, but I could have turned it that direction in an instant.
Tomorrow we are alone for a few days, no guests. I don't plan on bringing it up and if he asks if I think he's been "ok" on the beer, in reality he pretty much Has been....but I am not about to give my blessing.
I am looking for words only if he asks a direct question.
It was Almost an out of body experience to watch him try to pick a fight (not his nature) and I would not take the bait. It was not alcohol related, but I could have turned it that direction in an instant.
Tomorrow we are alone for a few days, no guests. I don't plan on bringing it up and if he asks if I think he's been "ok" on the beer, in reality he pretty much Has been....but I am not about to give my blessing.
I am looking for words only if he asks a direct question.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 35
Before I offer anything, please know that I am by no means and expert 
But, I will share with you what I told my XAF towards the end of our relationship. I finally gave him an ultimatum in July (thinking I would leave in September if things didn't change. And, of course they didn't change and I left) and did not say a SINGLE word about his drinking. He would often bring it up and ask me what is ok with me, tell me how "little" he drank, etc. So, when he made direct statements to me, I tried my best to give him a supportive smile and simply say 'alright' or 'ok'. When he asked me a question about his consumption, I replied in a genuine tone, "I want you to do what you think is best". Honestly, I really did want him to do what he thought was best. Because, if he didn't do what he wanted to do, his behavior wouldn't be long term. And, in the end, he did what he wanted (drink) and I did what I needed to do (leave).
Again, I don't know if what I did was a good approach, but it worked for me. I hope you are doing ok tonight! Stay focused on yourself and don't take the bait! I know, easier said than done....
But, I will share with you what I told my XAF towards the end of our relationship. I finally gave him an ultimatum in July (thinking I would leave in September if things didn't change. And, of course they didn't change and I left) and did not say a SINGLE word about his drinking. He would often bring it up and ask me what is ok with me, tell me how "little" he drank, etc. So, when he made direct statements to me, I tried my best to give him a supportive smile and simply say 'alright' or 'ok'. When he asked me a question about his consumption, I replied in a genuine tone, "I want you to do what you think is best". Honestly, I really did want him to do what he thought was best. Because, if he didn't do what he wanted to do, his behavior wouldn't be long term. And, in the end, he did what he wanted (drink) and I did what I needed to do (leave).Again, I don't know if what I did was a good approach, but it worked for me. I hope you are doing ok tonight! Stay focused on yourself and don't take the bait! I know, easier said than done....
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
I see you doing what I used to do. Listening, watching, keep all your senses on alert to try to know what your A is doing and try to predict what kind of a holiday you are going to have.
Is this any way for a person to live?
No, it isn't. Better to take the focus off him and place it firmly on you. What do you want to do this holiday season? Fill your life with the activities and the people that enrich you.
Easier said than done. I am still monitoring xah from an ocean away. S**t.
It isn't over until you simply don't give a cr*p what they do any more!
Is this any way for a person to live?
No, it isn't. Better to take the focus off him and place it firmly on you. What do you want to do this holiday season? Fill your life with the activities and the people that enrich you.
Easier said than done. I am still monitoring xah from an ocean away. S**t.
It isn't over until you simply don't give a cr*p what they do any more!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 216
Thanks all, I actually am having a good times and I am not consumed with his drinking st all. (But of. Of I am aware of it of it
I am not even on edge wondering as I think I know the direction this is going in. The direction it always does.
Nothing I can to to stop it.
Didn't cause can't control and can't cure,
He has not been withdrawn, he has Not been a jerk, has. Not been and embarrassment,
but then against only been two days
. I know HE will confront me when the house is empty. Looking for approval.
I know he will.
In the past I have always said "oh yes, you ARE drinking less than most of our guests/company. Yes dear, you sure are, bully for you"
But he knows our deal..jan 31. It needs to stop and if it does not then things change drastically. So I think "be yourself" ...you might be on the right track"
you do what you think is best"
and then He actually will seal his fate or change his life.
This is not on me. We have an agreement. He breaks the agreement and he moves out. That's it.
I am not even on edge wondering as I think I know the direction this is going in. The direction it always does.
Nothing I can to to stop it.
Didn't cause can't control and can't cure,
He has not been withdrawn, he has Not been a jerk, has. Not been and embarrassment,
but then against only been two days
. I know HE will confront me when the house is empty. Looking for approval.
I know he will.
In the past I have always said "oh yes, you ARE drinking less than most of our guests/company. Yes dear, you sure are, bully for you"
But he knows our deal..jan 31. It needs to stop and if it does not then things change drastically. So I think "be yourself" ...you might be on the right track"
you do what you think is best"
and then He actually will seal his fate or change his life.
This is not on me. We have an agreement. He breaks the agreement and he moves out. That's it.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Booo,
I'm glad that your time hasn't been unpleasant. I hope you can concentrate on enjoying the company of your guests, and try to just live each moment as it comes.
What will happen, will happen...
Sending hugs and prayers, S
I'm glad that your time hasn't been unpleasant. I hope you can concentrate on enjoying the company of your guests, and try to just live each moment as it comes.
What will happen, will happen...
Sending hugs and prayers, S
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