Right on schedule

Old 12-12-2013, 08:51 PM
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Right on schedule

It's Thursday, and it's been 2 weeks since the last episode, so here we are.

I came home from work to find a drunk and annoying and rude boyfriend. I probably shouldn't have said anything because he gets all snarky and won't admit it anyway. I confronted him about drinking today and he denied it and gave me the look that says 'I hate you for noticing, but I'm not going to admit it' look.

He lies more than anyone I know, and I hate it. It makes me SO mad. I'm trying to realize that there's no point in saying a thing because he knows it, and I know it. There's no need to have the fight but sometimes I can't help myself.

I think maybe for him, telling the truth is equally as difficult as his lying makes me angry. Does that make sense? He never wants to admit anything.

Anywho, he was the annoying, rude, ******* version of his drunken self, which is one of the different versions I have come to know. This one is my least favorite. He's like an annoying sibling poking you in the ribs until you can't take it anymore. Sometimes I really want to hit him. I HAVE hit him. I've thrown things more times than I can count, and I've said some really terrible things. When he's like this, it takes a lot of self control not to feed into it.

So today, I decided to take a nap before going to my class. I set my alarm and went to sleep. He pestered me and I ignored him and didn't engage him. Eventually he left me alone. He went to the liquor store, and came back and tried to cuddle with me. I didn't give him any satisfaction and eventually he went away. When I woke up, he was passed out on the couch.

When I came home 3 hours later, I saw his car parked down the street. There's a bar a few blocks further. He parks in this spot facing our apartment so he can just drive straight home with no stop signs. I have no idea how he makes it home sometimes, and this was one of those times.

I heard him pull up and struggle with the lock. I didn't look at him right away, but he was completely gone. His zipper was down and his pants were soaked with urine. I got him to sit down on the couch, and he soon passed out. He's been that way for an hour.

THIS is by far the most tolerable version of his drunken self. Also really sad because this only happens when he's extremely drunk. There have been times I thought I should call 911, but never have. It's sad to see him like this. So pitiful.

And this is my life.

When I say it out loud, or write it down and actually think about what's going on here, I can't believe it. How did I let this happen? How did this become the norm? How is this acceptable?? I know I can't fix it, but I wish I could, and I've wished it for so long. I feel like I know what I need to do if I ever want peace, but I keep thinking if I wait just a little bit longer, things will change.

I also sometimes think that maybe me staying is what's stopping him from getting help. If I left, maybe he'd hit his bottom and get help. But on the other hand, if I left...maybe he'd just drink way more and get himself killed.


Sorry for the rambling post, I'm kind of all over the place tonight.
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Old 12-12-2013, 09:00 PM
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Originally Posted by worriedmind View Post
And this is my life.

When I say it out loud, or write it down and actually think about what's going on here, I can't believe it. How did I let this happen? How did this become the norm? How is this acceptable?? I know I can't fix it, but I wish I could, and I've wished it for so long. I feel like I know what I need to do if I ever want peace, but I keep thinking if I wait just a little bit longer, things will change.

I also sometimes think that maybe me staying is what's stopping him from getting help. If I left, maybe he'd hit his bottom and get help. But on the other hand, if I left...maybe he'd just drink way more and get himself killed.
Hi worried,
I can really relate to your post. You are where I was about 6 months ago. I kept waiting too, to see if things would change. They did, and not for the better.

Well, I did break up with my ABF, and haven't seen him in 5 months now. I didn't end it so he would finally seek help, but of course, I did hope he would. He hasn't.

I have, though, and I am feeling better overall. I miss him a lot, I am still grieving. But I am functioning much better, I am far less stressed out and nervous, I no longer live in that out-of-control-any-second mode. It's a relief in most ways.

I honestly don't know if mine will just drink himself to death, or seek help, or go up and down; I only know that I won't be tormented by it anymore. I hope for the same respite for you. Life it just too damn short.

Take care, I hope you can have some peace tonight.
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Old 12-12-2013, 09:06 PM
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your presence in his life is not stopping him from drinking.

He's not yours to worry about - and to be miserable for. he is a sentient being who has chosen to drink. He continues to make that choice.

When we are in these relationships, it seems like there could be no other. that things would be perfect if our partner would just stop drinking. But this isn't the case. Our partners are far from perfect. We fear that we are not deserving of a loving, stable, attractive partner. And we keep ourselves in these terrible, sick relationships. We rationalize it, we don't face the self doubt, the shame, the terrible self esteem in a direct manner. We focus on the problems of our sick partner. At least, this is the experience I had. I let it drag me down for far too long, and I wish I had the courage to reach out on a forum like this when I was in a similar situation.

I had a romanticized, unrealistic expectation, version of the girl I was dating in my mind. When spiderqueen mentions grieving, I understand it. We grieve for the person we loved - a person who might have existed only in our minds. the girl from the first few months ceased to exist two years into dating. We had stopped dating long before the "relationship" ended.
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Old 12-13-2013, 05:09 PM
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The work is inside us, not on the alcoholic, not on the relationship.

There are many reasons why someone is "magnetized" to an alcoholic, and it is always our responsibility to face ourselves and ask ourselves why we are drawn to people who cannot love us back, cannot treat us respectfully, and why we need to latch on to someone who is so distant and so volatile.

Some of us need to be a martyr trying to save someone else because for some of us, that is how we maneuver people into never leaving us. (Though they do anyway).

Some of us had alcoholic parents or grandparents and the "vibration" of the alcoholic's personality feels so familiar and "home" to us.

Some of us have a need to present a perfect face to the world because appearance is everything, so even if our partner was not alcoholic when we met him or her, there is no way we will break up the marriage now and allow the world to know the truth: that we are not the brilliant successes we want everyone to think we are.

Some of us enjoy the obsession and the adrenaline rush that a bad relationship brings into our "dull" lives. It becomes our form of drug-taking.

The problem is not the alcoholic. Ultimately we have to take a personal inventory and figure out why living with someone who is drunk, checked out, belligerent, dangerous, and immature to the max is tolerable for us. Something is wrong.....with us. Often it goes back to our early life and something going wrong there. But whatever it is, we have to figure it out, and we have to fix ourselves.

Al-Anon meetings are always a good place to start. If you google Al-Anon and the state where you live, you will find some close by. It could help you a lot.
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Old 12-13-2013, 06:35 PM
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I feel your pain worriedmind. When my XAB lived with me what you described was a typical scenario at my place too. He would get angry and defensive if I mentioned his drinking in any way. I was just supposed to be happy to see his glazed over face behind the tower of empty beer cans in front of him! When he wasn't drinking at my place he was at the bar and then I would call him and pick him up drag him back home and it would stArt over again. He would drink I would pick him up or watch him drink and then he would pass out and get up in the middle of the night and pee on my carpet and furniture. He on e raised his fist at me when I tried to direct him to the bathroom! I slowly started to detach myself and ended up moving an hour away from him to regain some of my sanity. Take care of you first and foremost. I was in that mess for five years. I still love him but from a distance now it's healthier for me that way and hopefully for him too.
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