lizatola

Ok, I'm in one of those places where I can't stop thinking about how I'm going to be broke, living on the streets, and panhandling in 2 years while AH is out living the dream life with all his inheritance money and job income, etc.

I keep wondering if I'm making a big mistake? I am constantly battling the pro/con list in my head and I wrote it all out and I know it makes sense to separate but I have so many fears about not even having a pot to **** in, know what I mean? I haven't worked in 15 years and I'd like to continue homeschooling my son so I'd have to find a flexible job.

All I see is craziness ahead of me. AH met with the realtor yesterday and is going ahead with buying a second home. I told him I was uncomfortable with taking on that kind of debt but that he's an adult and will make his own choices. I told him I just wanted him to know how I feel. I also made reference to the fact that this separation was supposed to be temporary and that I felt a rental should have sufficed.

He claims he's still hanging onto Jesus and still wants us to stay together in this house. Yet, all I see are actions where he is continuing to separate himself from me. He even said that he thought pastoral counseling last week 'went well' considering the circumstances. Seriously?? Went well? I felt like I had an emotional enema and came out of there with my head spinning and he felt like it went well? This man's perceptions are seriously out of whack? He thrives on discord, even when he says he striving for harmony and resolution. Sometimes I think he doesn't even realize he's doing it because it's so ingrained in his personality that he's blind to it.

He has his buddies encouraging him to fight for his family, yet he's not taking any steps to really fix things. Once we had counseling last week, that was it. I am working very hard at finding the truth and staying in reality but I have to admit that sometimes the freak out truck comes my way and I wind up hopping on for a ride around the block. I am really having trouble today.

FYI: I had my tests done on that mass under my armpit and the radiologist found nothing to be concerned about! Hallelujah for that good news. And, of course, AH texted me while I was leaving the breast health center and asked me if I still needed him to pick up our son. Umm, how about asking me what happened or how I'm doing? Nope, he wanted to know if he was free to make plans to play tennis. Then, 15 minutes later he asks me, "How's things going over there?" When I told him that it wasn't cancer and nothing to worry about and that I was relieved, I also told him I could pick our son up, his response was, "Are you sure?" No reference to my ultrasound results or being relieved that I'm OK. Yet, here I sit wondering if I'm doing the right thing and wondering if I should be taking these risks: both financially and emotionally. Yet, what is my alternative?

hopeful4

First off let me say hip hip horray about your test results!!! That is super great!

It does seem he is distancing himself. It sounds as though he has some assets. I know in the state I live in anything you acquire during marriage becomes marrital assets. Have you spoken with an attorney at all?? I am sorry if you have said before, I cannot remember.

It is overwhelming. No one can tell you what is right for you, so keep working on you so you can figure out what is best for you and your son.

Hugs!

lizatola

Yes, I have an attorney. The gist is that if he acquires an inheritance, it is not my asset which I'm fine with. If he buys the house with said inheritance than it, too, will not be a marital asset, it would be solely his. Actually that is most likely a good thing, though, because then I wouldn't be responsible for it. I'm just scared about how all of this is shaking out and I'm scared about how things will play out for our son. So much damage has been done already.

hopeful4

I understand. Wish I had some gem to tell you but all I can say is we are here for you!! Hugs!!

dandylion

Liz--one main thing to stop that spinning sensation is to stop looking at the world through his eyes and look at it from your eyes. This guards you from getting too sucked into him, emotionally.

Disregard all quacking--which it seems he does almost all the time. And scre* his buddies that are advising him. They know less than Winnie the Poo about what is good for you. They do not get any vote about your life.

Seek and heed only the advice of those who have your welfare at heart.

Grow a thick, alligator skin. ...LOL.

dandylion

lizatola

Thanks, Dandylion!! You knew what I needed to hear. I just needed to calm down and breathe!!!

AnvilheadII

I can't stop thinking about how I'm going to be broke, living on the streets, and panhandling in 2 years while AH is out living the dream life with all his inheritance money and job income, etc.

hooboy...first thing.....quit comparing out. what you FEAR might happen for YOU and what you THINK might happen for him. money ain't everything. it sure as heck doesn't guarantee happiness, contentment, or joy. from everything you have shared about your H's personality, I don't see him living a "dream life" ever. at least not what I would consider a dream life.

now you.....you CAN live a dream life. you live a free unfettered no regrets captain of your own ship life. you are far too smart and savvy to end up in a cardboard box dear. I mean, really. you get a job, you take care of your boy, I should imagine there might be spousal maintenance and most certainly child support. you will be fine. you will make do. you will get creative. and you will color your new world.

Katiekate

What anvil said

Liz, he does not get to get out of your marriage without providing for you and your son , alimony, child support etc...

You actually do have power in the relationship.

Try not to let the fear prevent you from having the life that you want.

xo

m1k3

Liz, ((((hugs)))) and all this spinning is normal. Change can be scary, it can also be liberating, educational and a great boost to your self esteem when you look back and say "Wow, I did that!"

Don't know if you've been following my posts but I just made a leap of faith. I quit my job in New Jersey so I could move to Memphis and be closer to my family and grandkids.

I am now living with my daughter and son-in-law and have found a new job, which I love. In a couple of months I'll start looking for an apartment. It was scary making the move with no prospects or anything like that. It was also possibly the best thing I have ever done.

So, instead of looking at what might go wrong or even what might go right just try to take it one day at a time. I know, easier said than done but it does help.

Your friend,

Mike

Upsetnneedhelp

Money doesn't buy happiness but it sure gives you options. The lack of money is a big deal and, liz, I would be worried also.

hopeful4

Yes, I have always agreed with this. Money does not make happiness but not having enough to pay your bills is a huge deal. I would take the time myself to get my ducks in a row.

Hugs!

SparkleKitty

Liz, didn't you have a job opportunity several months ago, through a friend or acquaintance? I seem to recall that from one of your posts but I couldn't find it when I went looking. Is that something to follow up on now? I know it might be too late, but then again just inquiring might lead to something else...

Florence

I had to move through the fear and cling to the facts. You are capable, you are motivated to get away from this gaslighting, abusive guy, he's all talk and no walk, his money can't buy your love or devotion or patience or goodwill and especially not with the **** sandwiches he always wants you to eat, and your son needs at least one stable, sane parent. Them's the facts.

The rest is a matter of imagination and hustle. Get liberated, girl.

dandylion

Liz---I know exactly what you are talking about! Have been there, big time. I know what it is like to wake up in the middle of the night and break out in a cold sweat and feel nauseated at the scariness of it all. But, somehow, I always found a way.

What I would always end up doing was babystepping it--and deciding that I wasn't giving up---LOL (as if giving up was even a choice!). The fear was ALWAYS worse than the doing. Taking the first action (baby step) is the hardest part---then action seems to take over and push the fear to the background. It is just amazing how that happens.

If I might suggest---maybe seeing a professional vocational counselor one or two times would get you "jump-started". Just to get the lay of the land, so to speak. Also I might suggest the Red Book--the "Bible" that recruiters use. It is called the Manual of Executive Recruiters. This can lead you to the jobs that are not advertised. The recruiters are listed by industry, location, desired salary, and gives the contact information for each recruiter--Who knew?! (my husband was in human resources for large companies).

Liz--the kind of fear that your talking about is natural (at first)--but, I think it is a sign that the situation is "real" and that you are close to taking steps to making the changes you want/need a reality. I see it as a good sign. One day, you will be looking at all this in your rear view mirror!!!

dandylion

lizatola

Thanks! Right now, I feel that I need to get clarification from him about where he's going to be getting this money from to make the down payment, pay for appliances, pay closing costs, etc. Is it fair of me to at least ask? Or do I just stay out of it?

I already sent him a message yesterday telling him that I'm not comfortable with taking on a second mortgage but he disregarded my message and asked me for the tax statements from the last 2 years. I know that he's going to do what he's going to do, but even if I file for divorce today he may not agree to it and it could take a year for it to process(or longer from what I've seen).

In the meantime, I have to keep my head screwed on straight and keep an eye on the finances. Luckily, I'm the one who set up all the investment accounts.

He just came in and defended his position on the house buying thing. How much sense it makes, how we can resell it, how the location is awesome(25 minutes away!), etc.

So, I suggested that I rent a place closer and that I move out. I know, I know...probably not a good move but I thought that might prevent the debt from occurring and might keep us safer financially. Who knows.

He was whining about getting new business cards, how this house will no longer be his, etc and I couldn't take the pity party anymore and I said, "Fine. Maybe it would be easier if I rented a place and you stayed here." Oh, that opened up a can of worms. Now, he's so confused.

What's so confusing about: I want a temporary separation and I want you to rent a place? He's the one who's making this complicated. UGH!

dandylion

Oh, Liz--he is just quacking because he has always felt in control of the relationship--and now, this pulls the rug from under his feet. Keep the detached distance (as much as you can) and let him have his quackfest. My children's father did the same thing, essentially--many, many, years ago. I never changed my mind--and, I am sooo glad that I didn't.

dandylion

LaTeeDa

FWIW, I think it is best to stay out of it in terms of the emotional game-playing. That's what he wants. It appears as though he is trying to scare you into rethinking your decision to separate.

Now, I'm not suggesting you stay out of the financial business of it. You have every right to know where the money is coming from, how much, when and where it is going. It's going to be very difficult, but try to stay in the "business" mindset and avoid the emotional traps he is setting.

You will be fine. I know you may have a hard time believing it, but believing it is a must. Difficult times haven't killed me yet, lol. And remember, sometimes the things we put ourselves through in order to avoid discomfort are actually worse than the discomfort itself.

Cheering you on!

L

lizatola

Well what really ticked me off this AM is that he decided to have this conversation within earshot of our son. I told him we could talk about it later and he said, "Hey the kid's got to find out eventually. Screw the holidays, my grandparents died around the holidays, life happens." Okkkaaayyy, I was just hoping to do it after New Year's but I guess the cat's out of the bag now.

He was totally playing victim today. "I don't know what you want." "If you're playing games here, I don't like it one bit and I'm feeling very uncomfortable." "You're the one who wanted this, not me. I don't know why we couldn't do this living under the same roof."

I sat there smiling and said, "All I asked for was the financials. Where's the money going to come from: for the down payment, for the appliances, for the HOA, for the closing costs." To which he replied, "You have access to the same accounts that I do." Hey, buddy, that didn't answer my questions! UGH!!!!

hopeful4

He is playing the blame game in front of your son so he does not look like the bad guy. It is all head games. Don't engage...no point. Question for you. If he is using even a dime of your money for this house then your name goes on it also...or is he doing it solely on his own? If he is purchasing said house with his own inheritance that admittedly you said you won't be able to touch...so be it. If he is tapping into even one cent that belongs to you....you have a right for every single detail and for your name to be on the deed.

Hugs and deep breaths....

dandylion

Again, he is just quacking. He doesn't want what is going down. He is twisting and turning--just to keep you unbalanced. He is Counting on getting you unbalanced--confused--scared--and changing your mind. It has worked for him in the past--so, naturally, he will try it again.

JUst hold the line!!!!!

Does a "temporary" separation just mean the separation period that occurs prior to finalizing the divorce?

dandylion