Sick of being nice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 41
Sick of being nice
Sorry for the wall of text - I just need to get this out!
It has been a little over 2 weeks since I left my home of the last 11 years, my husband that used to be my loving and caring rock. Sadly, as his alcoholism progressed, he changed from being my rock into being the one person I needed to protect myself from.
He became extremely abusive, screaming at me from the moment he woke up until he passed out from being drunk. Called me all the names in the English language, all the time. Tried to hurt my feelings by saying nasty things about my kids and my family if I didn't respond to the hurtful things he said about myself. He did anything and everything to start an argument. I was more or less successful when it comes to not take part in this.
If I tried to do something other than sitting and listening to his garbage, I would really get an earful. So, I would sit there and be trashed by him all day/night long almost every day. Just to try and keep peace.
He has also hit me from time to time. The last time was in February of this year when I called 911 because he was choking me. Of course, nobody knows about most of this behavior.
The day i left, I had received a message that my lovely grandmother of 95 years had a massive stroke and was in critical condition. I wanted to go see her before it was too late. He was all into this in the beginning, wanting to help me find plane tickets (I am from Europe, he is from the US where we lived together). As I was sitting there reading expedia.com for tickets, he started changing his mind. Threatening that if I left, it would be the end of our relationship, that I would never get back into his house. When this didn't change my mind, he started talking about getting the big kitchen knife. He was describing in detail how he was going to make sure I knew I was going to die as life left my body, etc. He has made comments like this before, but this time, there was a different look in his eyes. It made the hair on the back of my neck stand.
I waited until he had passed out, and left. Took no belongings, just my passport and pocket book.
So, yesterday I talked to a mutual friend and found out that he is telling everybody he knows that I just left him (and all of my belongings) for no reason. So now, since I have been protecting his "good name" and never really told anyone how bad it has become, I am the bad guy. It just gets me, how he is playing the victim while living off of me (he hasn't worked in 10 years). I am still paying his bills for another 2 months while he is sitting warm and dry thanks to me, badmouthing me to everyone I have known the last 11 years. I am so tired of being the strong one, the one that follows the "rules", to always be understanding of his issues and accept that my needs are less important because he is a victim of a rough childhood, etc. I would love to be in his role if only for a day, to scream back and let him really hear me for a change!
I have promised myself that I will not get bitter and let this ruin my ability to stay positive and focus on the here and now but this time, it is hard!
Anyway, thanks for reading my rant!
It has been a little over 2 weeks since I left my home of the last 11 years, my husband that used to be my loving and caring rock. Sadly, as his alcoholism progressed, he changed from being my rock into being the one person I needed to protect myself from.
He became extremely abusive, screaming at me from the moment he woke up until he passed out from being drunk. Called me all the names in the English language, all the time. Tried to hurt my feelings by saying nasty things about my kids and my family if I didn't respond to the hurtful things he said about myself. He did anything and everything to start an argument. I was more or less successful when it comes to not take part in this.
If I tried to do something other than sitting and listening to his garbage, I would really get an earful. So, I would sit there and be trashed by him all day/night long almost every day. Just to try and keep peace.
He has also hit me from time to time. The last time was in February of this year when I called 911 because he was choking me. Of course, nobody knows about most of this behavior.
The day i left, I had received a message that my lovely grandmother of 95 years had a massive stroke and was in critical condition. I wanted to go see her before it was too late. He was all into this in the beginning, wanting to help me find plane tickets (I am from Europe, he is from the US where we lived together). As I was sitting there reading expedia.com for tickets, he started changing his mind. Threatening that if I left, it would be the end of our relationship, that I would never get back into his house. When this didn't change my mind, he started talking about getting the big kitchen knife. He was describing in detail how he was going to make sure I knew I was going to die as life left my body, etc. He has made comments like this before, but this time, there was a different look in his eyes. It made the hair on the back of my neck stand.
I waited until he had passed out, and left. Took no belongings, just my passport and pocket book.
So, yesterday I talked to a mutual friend and found out that he is telling everybody he knows that I just left him (and all of my belongings) for no reason. So now, since I have been protecting his "good name" and never really told anyone how bad it has become, I am the bad guy. It just gets me, how he is playing the victim while living off of me (he hasn't worked in 10 years). I am still paying his bills for another 2 months while he is sitting warm and dry thanks to me, badmouthing me to everyone I have known the last 11 years. I am so tired of being the strong one, the one that follows the "rules", to always be understanding of his issues and accept that my needs are less important because he is a victim of a rough childhood, etc. I would love to be in his role if only for a day, to scream back and let him really hear me for a change!
I have promised myself that I will not get bitter and let this ruin my ability to stay positive and focus on the here and now but this time, it is hard!
Anyway, thanks for reading my rant!
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,640
Hi TheMs you've certainly been through it! No one should have to put up with what you have. My heart and prayers go out to you , keep coming on SR there will be someone along with worlds of experience, far more than I can say.
Take care of you for now x
Take care of you for now x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 41
totfit, I guess I got a little ahead of myself - I have promised to pay for this month and the next (so, practically I am done with him after the beginning of January). He had made himself so totally dependent one me, that I couldn't just leave him to starve and freeze and feel good about it.
Anyway, it seems that he now has been to detox and he will then hopefully find a way to take care of himself.
Anyway, it seems that he now has been to detox and he will then hopefully find a way to take care of himself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Are you married to this monster or just living with and supporting him out of the goodness of your heart? You have been in this situation way too long. Don't live in the dark with your secrets about him, you need friendship support duriing your transition. Good thing there's an Atlantic ocean between you two! Keep coming here for support, too. (((HUGS)))
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
O sweetie. You have been seriously abused. I hope you are getting help for YOU. What a horrible thing he has done. I am so happy you got away from that mess...ALIVE!
Get away from him, cut off all contact and move on. You do not have to listen to his quacking. If you want him to hear you..FOR YOU...write one last letter and move on.
He is obviously ate up with himself and alcohol. He is going to be so busy thinking of what HE is going to say that there is no way he will listen anyways. Someone like that has serious mental issues and it sounds like he is a danger to himself and others.
I am so happy you are free...I agree....keep posting. We are here and we will listen!!!
Hugs!
Get away from him, cut off all contact and move on. You do not have to listen to his quacking. If you want him to hear you..FOR YOU...write one last letter and move on.
He is obviously ate up with himself and alcohol. He is going to be so busy thinking of what HE is going to say that there is no way he will listen anyways. Someone like that has serious mental issues and it sounds like he is a danger to himself and others.
I am so happy you are free...I agree....keep posting. We are here and we will listen!!!
Hugs!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 41
Thank you, everyone, for your support. I am still married to him, but am trying to find out what to do for getting a divorce as soon as possible.
I have blocked him from contacting me in all other ways than via people we both know. Actually, he doesn't try to contact me, it is them. They can't stop themselves from mentioning things he says, etc.
I have blocked him from contacting me in all other ways than via people we both know. Actually, he doesn't try to contact me, it is them. They can't stop themselves from mentioning things he says, etc.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
He had made himself so totally dependent one me, that I couldn't just leave him to starve and freeze and feel good about it.
That means all bets are off. It means you have ZERO responsibility for taking care of him, helping him out, anything.
Do you have a lawyer? If not, find one. I'm taking this personally because your story is eerily similar to mine... Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
that I couldn't just leave him to starve and freeze
I doubt seriously he would do either! self absorbed alcoholics always find a way.
as lilamy said, you owe him NOTHING. you already gave. save the cash, and put it towards an attorney.
as far as "friends" not being able to help themselves telling you stuff, YOU don't have to listen!!! you can stop it at the outset. don't want to hear it, please respect that. this is where you begin to stand up for yourself, take care of yourself. remember the saying, what others think of me is none of my business. who cares what HE says?
I doubt seriously he would do either! self absorbed alcoholics always find a way.
as lilamy said, you owe him NOTHING. you already gave. save the cash, and put it towards an attorney.
as far as "friends" not being able to help themselves telling you stuff, YOU don't have to listen!!! you can stop it at the outset. don't want to hear it, please respect that. this is where you begin to stand up for yourself, take care of yourself. remember the saying, what others think of me is none of my business. who cares what HE says?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 41
Thanks guys, I know I need to stop obsessing (sp?) over him, the situation and everything that comes along with it. It is just so freaking hard this time, just to cut it off. My mind is so used to worrying about all of this every day that I think it is having a hard time finding something else to do.
I keep wondering if I am blowing all of this up way to huge and part of writing this out was to make sure that I am not.
choublak: We didn't have kids together, thankfully. He has 3 kids and I have 2. My kids are grown and have never lived with him, other than during summer vacations, Christmas, etc. His were not around much towards the end of our marriage when his drinking really spiraled out of control. And when they were, it was early in the day (before he turned nuts). His ex is very capable to take care of them with or without him and I trust that she will keep them safe. I guess it is none of my business anymore anyway.
As for a lawyer, I do not have one but will have to get one, obviously. I am working on getting my life back together here in Europe now, have already applied for my first job.
I am so grateful for this site. Although my family is very supportive and I can talk to them about anything at any time, they don't understand. They have never lived like anything even close to this and cannot understand. I appreciate you all, taking time out of your busy lives for a strangers' benefit. Thank you!
I keep wondering if I am blowing all of this up way to huge and part of writing this out was to make sure that I am not.
choublak: We didn't have kids together, thankfully. He has 3 kids and I have 2. My kids are grown and have never lived with him, other than during summer vacations, Christmas, etc. His were not around much towards the end of our marriage when his drinking really spiraled out of control. And when they were, it was early in the day (before he turned nuts). His ex is very capable to take care of them with or without him and I trust that she will keep them safe. I guess it is none of my business anymore anyway.
As for a lawyer, I do not have one but will have to get one, obviously. I am working on getting my life back together here in Europe now, have already applied for my first job.
I am so grateful for this site. Although my family is very supportive and I can talk to them about anything at any time, they don't understand. They have never lived like anything even close to this and cannot understand. I appreciate you all, taking time out of your busy lives for a strangers' benefit. Thank you!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 427
Keep us updated....we are here for you and worry when we don't hear anything!
You did the right thing....and I second the motion to save the cash. I had a similar situation where I put up cash for the bills...but I was on the lease too and made that agreement with the landlord...one month of expenses and she let me out. Don't be afraid to tell people the truth....they may surprise you!!!
You did the right thing....and I second the motion to save the cash. I had a similar situation where I put up cash for the bills...but I was on the lease too and made that agreement with the landlord...one month of expenses and she let me out. Don't be afraid to tell people the truth....they may surprise you!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 41
Originally Posted by MyBetterWorld 
Keep us updated....we are here for you and worry when we don't hear anything!
You did the right thing....and I second the motion to save the cash. I had a similar situation where I put up cash for the bills...but I was on the lease too and made that agreement with the landlord...one month of expenses and she let me out. Don't be afraid to tell people the truth....they may surprise you!!!
You did the right thing....and I second the motion to save the cash. I had a similar situation where I put up cash for the bills...but I was on the lease too and made that agreement with the landlord...one month of expenses and she let me out. Don't be afraid to tell people the truth....they may surprise you!!!
But yeah, I will tell people the truth. Even if that means them cutting me off. I still have my family and my own friends, from childhood. Plus all of you guys on SR.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i think it's quite possible you are assigning emotional attributes to this person that he does not posses. how HE reacts to what anyone says or does is HIS problem, his business. you are not responsible for him in any way shape or form. it is not your job to protect him....and let's be honest, that never really worked out so well, did it? in fact, it ended up getting YOU Hurt. he never "protected" you - quite the opposite.
WE are only as sick as our secrets. and the truth SHALL set us free.
WE are only as sick as our secrets. and the truth SHALL set us free.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 41
Of course you are right, Anvil. I know that in theory. I have been thinking to go see a psychologist as soon as Christmas is over. Maybe getting some help sorting out all of this would be a good way to start the new year.
I think also the saying that the addict will not change anything until it is THEIR problem is so true - it took me leaving for him to actually get some help.
I think also the saying that the addict will not change anything until it is THEIR problem is so true - it took me leaving for him to actually get some help.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear MS---you are hurting NOW--you need help NOW. Please don't put off getting help until after Christmas....please see someone now.
Itn't it amazing, how the whole world wants to put off everything until after Christmas?...LOL.
Christmas is about love...start by loving yourself ...now.
sincerely,
dandylion
Itn't it amazing, how the whole world wants to put off everything until after Christmas?...LOL.
Christmas is about love...start by loving yourself ...now.
sincerely,
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 41
Dandylion, I know, I know. This year, I can't wait to get Christmas over so that I can get on with my life.
I am in the process of getting registered as a resident in my home country at the moment and have to wait until all the paperwork has gone through before I can see doctors and such without having to pay anything.
I am in the process of getting registered as a resident in my home country at the moment and have to wait until all the paperwork has gone through before I can see doctors and such without having to pay anything.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear MS---I see your point. I forgot that things are so much different when you are trying to establish residence outside of the US (my bad).
I know that Pippilongstocking--one of our regular members---has faced and dealt with many of the issues that you may have in this regard.
In the meantime---the "Stickies" that you will see at the top of this main page (friends and family of alcoholics) has a virtual "education" on alcoholism and codependency--and, also some threads on abuse. Please hang around and read and learn as much as you can (knowledge is power). Continue to post as often as you can--you will always get understanding and support, here,
sincerely,
dandylion
I know that Pippilongstocking--one of our regular members---has faced and dealt with many of the issues that you may have in this regard.
In the meantime---the "Stickies" that you will see at the top of this main page (friends and family of alcoholics) has a virtual "education" on alcoholism and codependency--and, also some threads on abuse. Please hang around and read and learn as much as you can (knowledge is power). Continue to post as often as you can--you will always get understanding and support, here,
sincerely,
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 41
Originally Posted by dandylion
Dear MS---I see your point. I forgot that things are so much different when you are trying to establish residence outside of the US (my bad).
I know that Pippilongstocking--one of our regular members---has faced and dealt with many of the issues that you may have in this regard.
In the meantime---the "Stickies" that you will see at the top of this main page (friends and family of alcoholics) has a virtual "education" on alcoholism and codependency--and, also some threads on abuse. Please hang around and read and learn as much as you can (knowledge is power). Continue to post as often as you can--you will always get understanding and support, here,
sincerely,
dandylion
I know that Pippilongstocking--one of our regular members---has faced and dealt with many of the issues that you may have in this regard.
In the meantime---the "Stickies" that you will see at the top of this main page (friends and family of alcoholics) has a virtual "education" on alcoholism and codependency--and, also some threads on abuse. Please hang around and read and learn as much as you can (knowledge is power). Continue to post as often as you can--you will always get understanding and support, here,
sincerely,
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Somewhere, Fractured State
Posts: 111
TheMs, sorry for your situation. I can relate! You do your best to protect the dirty truth and eventually they smear you and play victim. Seems like its part of the disease. You need support and your true friends will be there. I know as soon as I started opening up I felt much better. Be wary of talking about the A too much once you have opened up though. They are your friends and will be there to support you but the last thing you want is them to cringe when you call! There is so much more to this world than the A. Its fun to start experiencing it again. I'm in the process of leaving my stbxAW and have gotten so much closer to my true friends as well as gotten dramatically closer to friends i was never this close with. I finally figured out what they had been hinting at the last 3 years. Trust me, some already know the truth. Be well.
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