TheMs

I can't wait to get that far! Thank you!

forworse

Not easy at all but oh so worth it!

RhodeIsland

Well I doubt he's dry, theMs. Warm, maybe.

I wish I could offer words which could make it better. But those who have posted at this point have covered so much. I contribute a small joke. I hope it is not taken in offense. A small play on words.

Ruby2

Hi TheMs,

I hope you find the peace you so deserve and freedoms from your alcoholic and very abusive husband. I experienced some of what you are going through. The yelling at me, telling me all the things that were wrong with me. I was always wrong whether I responded or not and when I tried sticking up for myself it just made the tirade worse. It is so utterly damaging to one's self esteem. You become conditioned to it. You loved him, you still love him but he is a monster.

I know why you have said you will pay for him for the next couple of months. But you know what? He will not be out in the freezing cold or homeless. He will find a way. He has trained you, as horrible as that sounds, to put his needs and selfishness before your own well being. My husband has done this to me but the fog is starting to gradually lift even though I am still with him. He is a pathetic person. Your husband will manipulate someone else into taking care of him. How does he start this? By putting all the blame on you. He is telling them all that they should feel sorry for him because, after all, look what you did to him. You left him. Poor, poor, pitiful me. She left me. And someone will take him in.

You are blessed that you have supportive family and friends and a ocean between the two of you. There isn't anything like family and old friends, is there? I hope that you have been able to spend time with your grandmother. Enjoy the silence and focus in healing you!

OnawaMiniya

You aren't blowing it out of proportion. You were being abused badly, and thank goodness you are out.

It does help to write out the insanity you lived, because seeing it written out in front of you can make it more clear just how bad things were. Read over what you write as though someone else had written it - wouldn't you think they were being abused severely?

It helps also to remember that while in the midst of such insanity, it is common to sort of rationalize things, or "get used to" such awful things. It's like if you fully acknowledged just how terrible things were while living in that nightmare, it would be too much to cope with, so you try to make "sense" out of it to survive, while immersed in it.

But...you are no longer prisoner to that hell of a reality. It is healthy to see it for as bad as it was, to prevent you from going back, to prevent you from getting involved in another similar situation in the future.

You are strong and brave and it's awesome that you got out.

Peace.

TheMs

RhodeIsland, actually I heard that he just completed 3 days of detox at the hospital and should be reasonably dry at the moment.

I smiled and said "That is good, I hope he makes it" when on the inside I am ticked off that he does this now, After all my pleading and begging for the last few years he chooses to do it now. Not very smart to waste my energy on that, but here I am.

Ruby, you are absolutely correct. I am very blessed to have a good family and friends around me. That is something I never did lose sight of, how important my family is to me. And in the end, it was the cause (indirectly) of breaking it off with my husband. I think they always were a threat to him, in his eyes, even though they accepted him with open arms and treated him like a son from day one.

OnawaMiniya, of course I would have been horrified reading this about anyone else. Strange, isn't it? I think you are right when you say that you get so used to it, it becomes normal. I remember catching myself trying to decide if I should actually leave/run or hide the block of knives. Who in the world would actually think twice about something like that? It made me realize that I am sick too, still considering to stay when all instincts should tell you to run for the hills.

OnawaMiniya

I can understand feeling bitter over that. However, he has issues besides drinking to work on. If he isn't trying to stop drinking for real and right reasons, he won't succeed long term. And his abusive behavior is also not addressed by simply not drinking. Drinking and being drunk doesn't excuse or downplay abusive behavior.

It's not unusual...when I write out my husband's abusive behavior, or even just think about it objectively, it's horrifying. If someone else told me their husband was that way, I'd be horrified for them. I am working on independence myself. Good for you for getting out. It's inspirational to many people here I'm sure, including myself.

Take good care of yourself.

Peace.

TheMs

Thanks the same, dear. One day at a time, one problem and issue at a time.

And I know, of course, you are correct about his other issues and needing to work on them to be successful. Oh well, I am looking forward to a peaceful Christmas with my family, and to get my own life built up little by little.

I wish you all the best!

Hawkeye13

Hi TheMs

I think you have made the right choice in leaving this situation.
Detoxing for 3 days is not recovery.
It isn't really the beginning of recovery if he isn't really choosing
to do it to gain long-term sobriety.

He may start quacking in a week or two that he's "changed" and wants you back.
Please do not take that claim seriously.

You deserve a safe and happy life, not threats and verbal abuse.
I wish you a merry holiday and quick success in your job hunt.
Best wishes

TheMs

Thanks Hawkeye, the same to you!

I know that I can never go back. I forgot to mention this is not the first time I have "left" him. Twice before, due to other women and once due to needing to go back home and renew my passport. 3 times I went back because he cried how much he loved me and wanted me, and how things were going to change. Well, they never did. I am not falling for that one again.

Not only that, but the way the relationship evolved, we are definitely not good for each other. So, yeah. It is absolutely over this time.